Can we have a support thread for those who reluctantly wear the trousers in their relationship?

[DropMyTrousers]

Have namechanged...

Does anyone else have a partner that they love and don't want to leave, but is exhausting in their inability to make decisions/take control/plan/lead etc etc?

Whether it's moving house or deciding which packet of biscuits to open with a cuppa, DH dodges all responsibility by looking to me to decide and act. We have been doing a lot of talking lately about how tiring I find this.

We've been together 11 years and married for 9, friends for a good while beforehand. In that time I have tried various approaches. For the last couple of years I have been trying to build his confidence by handing over control to him regularly and supporting his decisions, but he still ducks out and things take aaaaages to the point that I want to scream "FFS let's just do it like this!"

The trouble is that I'm not a natural leader or at all dogmatic. I feel pretty uncomfortable in a leadership role myself, but I'm being forced there minute to minute.

Everyone thinks he is lovely, and he is - kind, loyal, safe, good career, handsome.

But he has just spent 3 minutes checking with me that it's all right to watch the Antiques Roadshow, and am I really happy doing something on the laptop? And we can watch something else if that suits me? And he can always watch it on the iPlayer another time? And am I sure? Etc. And then a few minutes in... Am I still okay with this, because we could have the X Factor on if I like? (I don't watch the X Factor!)

You can imagine what our sex life is like, can't you?

I hate it because I feel I am being put in the role of tyrant when that's not me at all. I would eat my own jumper if it meant that DH would just once say. "Hey, let's do this today!" or "I've decided we need to save up for this" or even "Make us a cup of tea, love."

I think he has a basic lack of confidence in his abilities and I want to help him to overcome this. However there are phone calls, driving, DIY, accounting, planning and raising children to be done and I am doing all of it.

Look. There is no alpha / beta dichotomy. I was feeling annoyed that you had all been told your husbands were not 'alpha'.

Geezus was trying to be supportive.

Agree with coolbeanz and maryz... twas a support thread ... just wanted to check in to say BEWARE taking control too much and ending up being accused of CONTROL FREAKISM - seems I've managed to beat my DH into passivity (metaphorically speaking, of course), nothing to do with him being incapable of taking any responsibility, apparently...very definitely passive-aggressive response to my approaches over the (too many) years... Yup, we've just had THAT conversation and he's moving out (how long will that take, I wonder!! ). That's it, 15 years down the pan - why did I keep trying? For the sake of the children, etc etc - DON'T WAIT - LOOK at what you've got and MAKE DAMN SURE you're happy with it cos it may well come back to BITE. If anyone wants to respond, be gentle please, Just big hugs right now would be good cheers!!.

Dittany - spot on, Just been on another thread over the past few days and Wifework was mentioned there. It was the SAHM allowance thread - very interesting for some of you posters here, I would humbly suggest.

I have been misconstrued on this thread. Partly my own fault as I was responding to the alpha/beta thing which was annoying me.

Dh isn't 'rich' (compared to others in London) and I am successful too. We have a very equal relationship.

Anyway if you are not married to an 'alpha male', don't sweat it is all I am saying.

'You even beat the famously (and at least self-confessed) status-obsessed LeQ into a cocked hat !' Oh how unkind AnyFucker thank God people are beginning to see the light

Guyane

{{hugs}}

or even thank God people are beginning to see the light

Oh god.

Thank you maryz I think I love you.

I mean

Nervous!

I am meant to have left this thread < ahem >

I have dug some seriously big holes in my time on MN. Much worse than you, MB. I mean, snobbery is pretty much de rigeur in certain circles, so hardly crime of the century, is it. I am sure there are lots of people who agree with your sentiments.

Perhaps you should embrace it, and make it your MN raison d'etre

I never understand the attraction to status. I much prefer men who do jobs like teachers, youth workers, social workers etc. When I see a man all sensitive and caring and helping people I love it. I think its much sexier than having loads of money or working in business.

Back to the topic, for anyone who's still awake.

It's been really interesting reading this thread, DP often complains that he wants to do more to help me out (vastly different from XH) but I'm rubbish at delegation, and because he doesn't live here, it's slightly harder for him to take initiative.

I can see how easy it is to slip into a situation where one person does all of a certain job, simply because they're quicker at it or more used to doing it. Ultimately you then resent the situation you helped to create in the first place, and unlearning the habits becomes a nightmare.

Going to keep an eye on my control-freakery tendencies now!

Chutney, anyone?

ladies, don't bother leaving the thread, the new thread i should say, the original posters and feeling of the thread is not here anymore, it is nothing to do with what dtt started and we've been talking about. you didn't agree with the theme and you've changed it, i guess you are entitled to that.

Btw, fascinated by the idea of wifework and will be looking into that.

I also identify as feminist and I do sometimes catch a sense of DH being... Can hardly type this... Paralysed into inactivity by fear of doing the wrong thing - not because i am a tyrant or hyper critical, but because I am very capable. I don't think it's me he's afraid of - it's failure, or perhaps failing in front of me. And yet inactivity, or not participating fully in our partnership or our family, is a failing I find it harder and harder to forgive.

I asked someone for advice on this subject a few weeks ago and was told it was my fault for "making everything look effortless." Can I hear "scapegoat?"

I should knee-cap you for that, DMT !