Can we have a support thread for those who reluctantly wear the trousers in their relationship?

[DropMyTrousers]

Have namechanged...

Does anyone else have a partner that they love and don't want to leave, but is exhausting in their inability to make decisions/take control/plan/lead etc etc?

Whether it's moving house or deciding which packet of biscuits to open with a cuppa, DH dodges all responsibility by looking to me to decide and act. We have been doing a lot of talking lately about how tiring I find this.

We've been together 11 years and married for 9, friends for a good while beforehand. In that time I have tried various approaches. For the last couple of years I have been trying to build his confidence by handing over control to him regularly and supporting his decisions, but he still ducks out and things take aaaaages to the point that I want to scream "FFS let's just do it like this!"

The trouble is that I'm not a natural leader or at all dogmatic. I feel pretty uncomfortable in a leadership role myself, but I'm being forced there minute to minute.

Everyone thinks he is lovely, and he is - kind, loyal, safe, good career, handsome.

But he has just spent 3 minutes checking with me that it's all right to watch the Antiques Roadshow, and am I really happy doing something on the laptop? And we can watch something else if that suits me? And he can always watch it on the iPlayer another time? And am I sure? Etc. And then a few minutes in... Am I still okay with this, because we could have the X Factor on if I like? (I don't watch the X Factor!)

You can imagine what our sex life is like, can't you?

I hate it because I feel I am being put in the role of tyrant when that's not me at all. I would eat my own jumper if it meant that DH would just once say. "Hey, let's do this today!" or "I've decided we need to save up for this" or even "Make us a cup of tea, love."

I think he has a basic lack of confidence in his abilities and I want to help him to overcome this. However there are phone calls, driving, DIY, accounting, planning and raising children to be done and I am doing all of it.

So. I am say it is not failing to be shy.

What is wrong with that? On this thread of all places?

MB, if you can't see what is wrong with your post, far be it from me to attempt to explain it to you

re-read it from the point of view of someone who may be in a less-privileged position, or who is married to someone who isn't in a "high-status, uber-successful" profession

someone who can't afford prep school, perhaps ?

in your world, it seems if you are not "uber-successful" you ae nothing

is that really what you meant ?

dogfish got it, tbh

the braying around here just got a bit deafening for a moment there

No, no sorry. I absolutely don't think anyone is nothing (weeps that I would think that) I do apologise for mentioning the school it was a bit shitty. But I just wanted to put the point across that dick swinging or alpha maleness isn't always there in the successful.

That kind, lovely, shy men can be successful too. And no I'm not obsessed with success! It's just well I hate the idea that people subscribe to the notion that they are married to a 'beta' male. (prep or not).

Once again, I shouldn't have mentioned the school thing but I am pleasantly surprised by the lack of chest-puffing.

I don't think anyone should feel their shy men are lacking because they are not alpha males. Because the term is a figment of someone's imagination.

Cries some more. Am trying to counteract the idea any one is married to shudder a 'beta'.

it wasn't actually the prep school comment that made me see red there, Marsha, it was this

God I just distinguish between charming, successful, civilised men and er not so great ones.

anyway, I have said my piece and have no wish to harangue you further, you are entitled to your opinion

I would just like to add one of my own, since it seems we are massively generalising here

IME, the "charming, uber-successful, civilised" men are often shagging around.

LeQueen, thank you

I didn't think you were being flippant.

It sounds like we're at opposite ends of the socio-economic spectrum. There's only one man I can think of that fits my idea of Alpha behaviour type, and he's a primary school teacher. For me it's all about being secure enough in their own masculinity to take a different route. It's at complete odds with the men I know who think they are Alphas because they have a staffordshire bull terrier and a reputation for thuggish behaviour .

I've no experience of business men btw

Alright well that is just, over effusive possibly, terminology. I should have scrapped some of that (I was thinking of my dh when I wrote it, I think he is, others might not at all!). Dh is very shy at times. And not alpha-ish really at all. I shudder and recoil from overly male attributes that others females love. I am actually one of the least likely to go for the big boaster in the room.

But I don't see it as a failing of his.

And admit I wrote it in frustration to the insistence that men are alpha or beta.

LeQ, I wasn't referring to your posts on this thread. I am used to your stand on such matters by now, and tend to glaze over when you say how wonderful MrQ is (as I'm sure you tune out my less-attractive qualities too...)

I was picking up on Marsha's posts, but I did name-check you, so I apologise for that, it was un-necessary to make my point.

Am really puzzled by the turn this thread has taken. It was started as a support thread for women in a certain situation, yes?

I found it really interesting and insightful for a bit, but it's been hijacked by posters who seem to want to berate tell us that "they couldn't live like this, and would not be able to respect this type of man." Well, good for you, I don't think anyone is suggesting that you do, are they?

Followed by an entirely off the wall excursion into the qualities of the alpha male - why? what's it got to do with this. Are we meant to see what we are missing?

Obviously, people are entitled to post where they want, but it's interesting that none of the posters who originally got involved in this thread seem to be here anymore. It's not hard to see why.

Look I know. And will go soon.

But AF can you not see what I am saying? It is anti male posturing.

Am shutting up now.

CB is right.

My apologies to the OP and those seeking support x

'learned helplessness, yes, and this also made me think of Transactional Analysis. He is playing the child, which forces op to be the scolding/loving parent, and she would prefer the more appropriate 'adult - adult'.

Oh god. Another one. Listen civilised is a term we use in our family. It is Not a big deal.

Successful. Well that is neither here nor there and could mean anything.

Admire. No. But he's my husband I don't hate him.

Just one more to leave it on a better level with MB (maybe, hopefully) ...

Marsha, I think we are at cross purposes here. All I saw from your post was "God I just distinguish between charming, successful, civilised men and er not so great ones."

followed up with a load of status-obsessed guff

am not arguing alpha/beta/omega/chav/whatever but it seems you are trying to say something about it, and not speaking my language (as I'm not speaking yours)

Can you see what I am saying? It doesn't matter if you can't, tbh, this thread has gone waaaaay OT