Can we have a support thread for those who reluctantly wear the trousers in their relationship?

[DropMyTrousers]

Have namechanged...

Does anyone else have a partner that they love and don't want to leave, but is exhausting in their inability to make decisions/take control/plan/lead etc etc?

Whether it's moving house or deciding which packet of biscuits to open with a cuppa, DH dodges all responsibility by looking to me to decide and act. We have been doing a lot of talking lately about how tiring I find this.

We've been together 11 years and married for 9, friends for a good while beforehand. In that time I have tried various approaches. For the last couple of years I have been trying to build his confidence by handing over control to him regularly and supporting his decisions, but he still ducks out and things take aaaaages to the point that I want to scream "FFS let's just do it like this!"

The trouble is that I'm not a natural leader or at all dogmatic. I feel pretty uncomfortable in a leadership role myself, but I'm being forced there minute to minute.

Everyone thinks he is lovely, and he is - kind, loyal, safe, good career, handsome.

But he has just spent 3 minutes checking with me that it's all right to watch the Antiques Roadshow, and am I really happy doing something on the laptop? And we can watch something else if that suits me? And he can always watch it on the iPlayer another time? And am I sure? Etc. And then a few minutes in... Am I still okay with this, because we could have the X Factor on if I like? (I don't watch the X Factor!)

You can imagine what our sex life is like, can't you?

I hate it because I feel I am being put in the role of tyrant when that's not me at all. I would eat my own jumper if it meant that DH would just once say. "Hey, let's do this today!" or "I've decided we need to save up for this" or even "Make us a cup of tea, love."

I think he has a basic lack of confidence in his abilities and I want to help him to overcome this. However there are phone calls, driving, DIY, accounting, planning and raising children to be done and I am doing all of it.

I never said I hated shy people

Please re-read my post, those that thought I did. Maryz asked what do I tolerate that othrs may not...

I was referring to an old thread where lots of people said they did hate them and I was rather a lone voice who said I am one, and I like them .

oops, sorry, I might have misread

it's maryz's fault for asking me a double negative question

I haven't checked in since yesterday afternoon, as I thought this would probably have fizzled out..!

Re- alpha & omega males only, and no in-betweenies. I reckon that it's a spectrum & we tend to only notice the people who stand out at each end.

I agree that laziness and passivity are different animals. There's a world of difference between feigning helplessness, and dithering willingness. The former is cruel, the latter is... married to me

I like the idea of listing things we like about our partners. Hopefully this will give a halo effect & put me in the mood to boost his confidence. Sooo... He's a wonderful parent, much more patient than me, more willing to play never-ending imagination games than I am. Contrarily, I do love how he doesn't feel the need to brag & bluster for top position in a crowd of other men- it oozes security. He is very generous in bed and has a lovely, long, lean... body (I was too mean about our sex life the other night, but to be fair he was watching Antiques Roadshow).

blinglovin, thanks for that - yes, he is a lazy fecker and freely admits it. So am I, to be honest, we're well matched!

It never really mattered before DD, but now I'm doing 2 people's stuff instead of one and it's somewhat exhausting...

DH does say that I should ask him if I want him to do stuff, but then I have to instruct him to the Nth degree (vis the picking up the shirts from various laundry baskets rather than the one he found from the night he put her to bed - which was on the floor of her room ) and it gets wearisome, as I'm sure the vast majority of us on this thread know.

The 'dithering willingness' (love that phrase) definitely comes into play when it comes to our social life - he's keen to go out and do stuff, but then can't make a decision - we've had that sitting in the car til one of us says 'let's go to xxx' thing too... god, it's draining! I get very sick of walking past perfectly good restaurants with a rumbling stomach because he "fancies a change" but can't decide what...

Lequeen that sounds awful. I couldnt go out with anyone who would buy a car and then get a new one so just forget about the old one.

'feisty it's a tricky one. I think, from what I see, you either get decisive Alpha Male types or you get indecisive Passive Male types.'

When I think of the first I would think wanker and the second loving. caring, family type who loves babies. Always wants to be looking after you at home and Why is their no swoon emotion?

'
He got away with not only being passive, but also lazy. I'm not blaming you - I appreciate that these situations develop over years but I do feel you should be assering what you want more.'

I also agree with this although my husband is passive and prefers me to make decisions. If I ask him to do something he will do it immediately. He just prefers being directed than thinking of it himself. I think if you try this with your husband then you will be able to see if he is being lazy or just has a more passive personality.

I can't abide so-called Alpha males, I always think they are utter wankers. Give me a Beta any day!

I agree with you LeQueen, but then I think Mr Darcy is an arrogant tosser.

Oh, did somebody mention ?

(Sorry)

LeQueen, definitely agree that true alpha types don't engage in pissing contents. It's a very rare quality though, IME.

Have been thinking about this thread a lot over past few days. Us all listing our DH/Ps good points has made me feel quite bad because the things that I find the most attractive and appealing about him are diminishing due to his illness.

He used to be physically very strong and muscular. He can barely manage a 5 minute walk now and his muscle is being replaced by fat. He used to be great at all the manual stuff around the flat. I've never had to carry the shopping up the stairs, pull out a washing machine to clean behind it, paint a ceiling or whatever. I found that incredibly attractive. Also, and this is something that I've barely let myself think about before now, our sex life has become physically difficult because of his disability . I have to do a lot more 'work' if it's going to happen for much longer and I'm finding that difficult and embarrassing. I obviously have my own issues too.

Personality wise, I admire the way he is so non-complex. He's not 'simple' but would never worry and fret like I do about things that I can't change. During our relationship there's been a few very bad episodes with our extended families and he has been wonderful. I would have fallen apart without him. I don't think many men would have put up with me during a few of my past problems but I've never had to worry that he'll get pissed off and leave.

I've always identified as a feminist as well

God I just distinguish between charming, successful, civilised men and er not so great ones.

At ds' prep school pretty much all the men and lots of the women are very successful.

There is NO posturing, bragging and no 'alpha male' pissing competitions to be seen.

Just civilised über successful types.

Some are shy no doubt, and still very successful, some very good looking etc which is why I can't get along with the term 'alpha' or 'beta' male.

Just successful.

And calm.

By calm I mean confident of course. Or not showy. Or just however! See. Impossible to generalise the traits of someone who is successful.

No you misunderstood, or I am not being clear enough.

I detest the term alpha male.

I think it is a load of shite. Like a hideous Elle magazine term.

Marsha...have a

That has got to be one of the most up-yourself posts I have ever read on MN

You even beat the famously (and at least self-confessed) status-obsessed LeQ into a cocked hat !

That takes some doing. Well done you.

Why?

I know mentioning schools is not on, and I usually don't. But my point is that alpha male is a shit term.

That is all.

I am trying to say it doesn't matter it men or women are shy. Or passive. Or whatever.

Why is that up myself?

I thought people on this thread would feel better knowing there is no such thing as a btw male. Which is also crap too. Everyone is different men and women.

There are no universal traits.

Anyway....

Beta male...

Why is that bad anyfucker?