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Can we have a support thread for those who reluctantly wear the trousers in their relationship?
293

DropMyTrousers · 28/11/2010 20:22

Have namechanged...

Does anyone else have a partner that they love and don't want to leave, but is exhausting in their inability to make decisions/take control/plan/lead etc etc?

Whether it's moving house or deciding which packet of biscuits to open with a cuppa, DH dodges all responsibility by looking to me to decide and act. We have been doing a lot of talking lately about how tiring I find this.

We've been together 11 years and married for 9, friends for a good while beforehand. In that time I have tried various approaches. For the last couple of years I have been trying to build his confidence by handing over control to him regularly and supporting his decisions, but he still ducks out and things take aaaaages to the point that I want to scream "FFS let's just do it like this!"

The trouble is that I'm not a natural leader or at all dogmatic. I feel pretty uncomfortable in a leadership role myself, but I'm being forced there minute to minute.

Everyone thinks he is lovely, and he is - kind, loyal, safe, good career, handsome.

But he has just spent 3 minutes checking with me that it's all right to watch the Antiques Roadshow, and am I really happy doing something on the laptop? And we can watch something else if that suits me? And he can always watch it on the iPlayer another time? And am I sure? Etc. And then a few minutes in... Am I still okay with this, because we could have the X Factor on if I like? (I don't watch the X Factor!)

You can imagine what our sex life is like, can't you?

I hate it because I feel I am being put in the role of tyrant when that's not me at all. I would eat my own jumper if it meant that DH would just once say. "Hey, let's do this today!" or "I've decided we need to save up for this" or even "Make us a cup of tea, love."

I think he has a basic lack of confidence in his abilities and I want to help him to overcome this. However there are phone calls, driving, DIY, accounting, planning and raising children to be done and I am doing all of it.

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AnyFucker · 30/11/2010 16:29

Of course there are "imbetweenies"

Diddl's DH sounds like mine. He is an imbetweeny. I like them...there is no drama. No massive frustration either way. Some people like drama...I don't (not in my primary relationship)

We help each other out...an imbalance is frustrating and soul-destroying for the one who always ends up doing more than their fair share of the boring, organisational stuff.

Now I have to tell my DH to pitch in sometimes (gawd, he ain't perfect) but he shows initiative in other areas and definitely does not require babying and step-by-step instructions.

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LeQueen · 30/11/2010 16:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 30/11/2010 16:41

I haven't read the whole thread as it's a bit long but would like to join :)

My Dh is lovely, caring, loving, a great dad etc etc but is a rubbish decision maker.

He is fab at organising finances whereas I am not. However, when it comes to other decisions like, I don't know, what bloody bread to buy for instance, I just get "I don't know coconuts, you decide." "not sure, you decide"

FFS, just have an opinion on the effing bread goddmammit!!!!!

I feel like it makes me look so controlling when I'm not but he just isn't confident in these things. I think he must have always been like it but I never noticed.

i make all the phonecalls, write the letters etc go to hospital appointments, talk to the professional people when we have to.

He had a pretty crap upbringing too, but so did I and I'm not like it.

i love him for all his positive qualities but this is something we often 'discuss' but then it's me leading the conversation and him answering "i'm not bothered, its up to you"

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streptococcus · 30/11/2010 16:43

can I join you please and share your pain. my DH is very "inert" at home. no chance of leaving him though as I love him greatly just wish I could put a rocket up his arse.
we are currently in a stand off revolving around the boiler. it broke 2 months ago. DH said he would sort it out. I am still waiting for any movement. apparently if I mention it to him he will get it sorted: later/ tomorrow/ next day off.
luckily we have a woodburner and an electric heater for the childrens bedroom. he has also been painting the windows for 2 years ( currently some done, some undercoated. we also have bare concrete in the kitchen were he hasnt got round to laying the flooring.
(I have offered to finish these things myself but apparently wouldnt do them right)

I'm not sure I go for the alpha/ beta male bit actually: at work he is very alpha. and he looks after children well if Im not about.... but you can guarantee that there would be no milk in/ clean clothes for school/ reading done after school. tbh I think its mainly laziness and the way he was bought up ( mum didnt work and is very organised)).

anyways I have sympathy for all those with an inert DH :)

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streptococcus · 30/11/2010 16:48

also forgot to say that it may well be my fault he doesnt like to take the lead/ make any descsions as I have in the past not agreed with things he has decided and therefore destroyed some confidence :( not saying this always happens but I think sometimes that he is so scared of doing the wrong thing he does nothing at all

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maryz · 30/11/2010 16:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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maryz · 30/11/2010 16:50

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diddl · 30/11/2010 16:53

"and the reason that so many relationships are actually successful is that we all also have varying tolerances."

Yes, otherwise we´d all be fighting to be with the same few peopleGrin

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Malificence · 30/11/2010 17:01

My DH is just enough of an alpha male not to be a push over but not enough to be a power obsessed wanker either. Smile

Being indecisive / a bit pathetic is neither a male nor female trait, both sexes seem to have it in equal measure - my SIL and BIL are useless, can't make a decision between them, they basically chase their tails until one of them finally gets stuff (half) done, they blame each other over everything that never gets done - I find each of them utterly frustrating and maddening and DH despairs of his sister.

I'm a natural born control freak (as is DD) and I have to actively take a step back sometimes from taking over completely - something I couldn't always quite manage when younger Blush.
DH is measured and steady and just what I need to balance out my excesses. Life would be too dull if he let me have my own way over everything. Wink I like it when he takes charge.

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LeQueen · 30/11/2010 17:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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JusttheTicket · 30/11/2010 17:04

LeQueen,

Sorry to say this, but you do sound dreadful. I hope you're not like this in RL

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LeQueen · 30/11/2010 17:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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LeQueen · 30/11/2010 17:08

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TinselinaBumSquash · 30/11/2010 17:09

My DP is like this.

He had years of abuse by his 'mother' and then was completley abandoned by his 'father.'

His confidence is in the toilet and always has been.

I'm not going to lie it is bloody hard to live with and in my darker moments i have thought that i have had enough of nursing through his emotional problems. However the sensible part of me sees that it is not his fault, it must be very hard to live with and he has so many good points as well.

Funnily enough it was his vunrability and this now difficult trait that attracted me. I was 15 and had just come out of a very abusive relationship and he was so gentle and you only had to look at him to know he adored me with his whole being.

I have to do everything though but it is all lack of confidence and a total fear of looking or sounding stupid.
We couldn't be any more different, i am fiercley independent and social, i will do anything and talk to anyone. I am as outgoing as people come its a tought relationship to make work.

However like i said before he has a lot of good points, he does love me whole heartedly, he cares for me, he cares for the kids. He is funny and intelligent.

One thing that annoys me about the way our relationship is, is that i get portrayed as the evil, bunny voiling girlfriend and 'poor' dp is 'under the thumb' it pisses me right off.

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AnyFucker · 30/11/2010 17:21

interesting maryz < strokes chin >

although it wasn't my DH that lost a BMW

what faults do I (and all of us it seems, to varying degrees..) tolerate that others would not ?

well, I remember a thread on here a while back about "shy" people and how fucking annoying they are (you know, you always have to make extra effort with them, they never make the first move in a converation and suck the energy out of people Hmm bla bla bla)

well, I thought that thread was really horrible and it has stuck with me

I like shy people. I like people that don't constantly push themselves forward, who wait and when they do say something, it has gravitas and is well thought-out. I like listeners and empathisers and have a low tolerance for show-offs, and yes, maybe for alpha-alpha males and females too

it appears though, that some people really hate them

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AnyFucker · 30/11/2010 17:21

shy people , that is

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AnyFucker · 30/11/2010 17:23

people who have to be the centre of attention just leave me cold

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LeQueen · 30/11/2010 17:25

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MarshaBrady · 30/11/2010 17:28

One of the most odious men I have worked with had to thrust his opinion and desires onto every other person. Success was getting every person to do as he wished through selling and manipulation; physical tactics like puffing his chest, appearing larger and so on.

I much prefer someone who is naturally talented, yy to gravitas, authority and earns respect by being really excelling at something.

One will push their way through life. The other will be ushered towards the top and be at the to simply being talented and with charm.

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MarshaBrady · 30/11/2010 17:29

Top

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diddl · 30/11/2010 17:45

I`m shy when first meeting people-please don´t hate meGrin

My husband isn´t mean with money-and I don´t have to justify my spending to him.

And he´s always been like this-didn´t have to lose a car.Grin

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LeQueen · 30/11/2010 17:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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TinselinaBumSquash · 30/11/2010 17:48

Im not shy in the slightest.

I hope you don't hate me AF Grin

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TheNextMrsDepp · 30/11/2010 17:50

There is definitely a distinction between having a passive dh and a lazy one.

I would say I wear the trousers in our relationship - I "run the house" as such, but that suits my control-freak tendancies perfectly. Dh, being an amenable character, is quite happy for me to take the lead and organise things, but will step up to the plate whenever requested, and probably does the lion's share of looking after the dcs (for example). He cannot be described as lazy.

But what bugs me is the inability (sometimes) to notice if things need doing and just get on and do them. He will just wait until I ask him to do it. Sometimes I would love it if the housework/clearing up were done without me barking at the family like a demented sergeant-major. We have fallen into a sort of rut where he won't do anything unless told, in case he does it wrong. Sometimes that drives me nuts, even though I realise I'm probably the architect of my own destiny!

Was he always like that? I guess so, I chose him because he is caring, honest, funny and a great dad, and, yes, fairly easy-going. A more opinionated pushy man wouldn't have stood a chance.

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MarshaBrady · 30/11/2010 17:57

I hate asking dh to do stuff. He is getting better. And weirdly had to ban him from doing laundry and DIY as he had to except he just wasn't very good at it.

Odious man was quite unattractive too, this, and being very pushy did not make a good combination (although no doubt his wife adored him!).

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