Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can we have a support thread for those who reluctantly wear the trousers in their relationship?
293

DropMyTrousers · 28/11/2010 20:22

Have namechanged...

Does anyone else have a partner that they love and don't want to leave, but is exhausting in their inability to make decisions/take control/plan/lead etc etc?

Whether it's moving house or deciding which packet of biscuits to open with a cuppa, DH dodges all responsibility by looking to me to decide and act. We have been doing a lot of talking lately about how tiring I find this.

We've been together 11 years and married for 9, friends for a good while beforehand. In that time I have tried various approaches. For the last couple of years I have been trying to build his confidence by handing over control to him regularly and supporting his decisions, but he still ducks out and things take aaaaages to the point that I want to scream "FFS let's just do it like this!"

The trouble is that I'm not a natural leader or at all dogmatic. I feel pretty uncomfortable in a leadership role myself, but I'm being forced there minute to minute.

Everyone thinks he is lovely, and he is - kind, loyal, safe, good career, handsome.

But he has just spent 3 minutes checking with me that it's all right to watch the Antiques Roadshow, and am I really happy doing something on the laptop? And we can watch something else if that suits me? And he can always watch it on the iPlayer another time? And am I sure? Etc. And then a few minutes in... Am I still okay with this, because we could have the X Factor on if I like? (I don't watch the X Factor!)

You can imagine what our sex life is like, can't you?

I hate it because I feel I am being put in the role of tyrant when that's not me at all. I would eat my own jumper if it meant that DH would just once say. "Hey, let's do this today!" or "I've decided we need to save up for this" or even "Make us a cup of tea, love."

I think he has a basic lack of confidence in his abilities and I want to help him to overcome this. However there are phone calls, driving, DIY, accounting, planning and raising children to be done and I am doing all of it.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

diddl · 30/11/2010 08:29

"Agree with Anyfucker I would rapidly lose all respect for someone like this."

But isn´t "MrLQ" the guy who has lost a car?

I couldn´t respect that, so we all have limits!

Please
or
to access all these features

maryz · 30/11/2010 08:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Please
or
to access all these features

snowflake69 · 30/11/2010 09:28

I am married to a man who lets me take the lead and I love everything about it. He trusts that I will lead the family in the right way and trusts in me and I (hopefully) feel I do.

I like the fact that he asks me if things are ok as it seems respectaful (I do the same). I like the way I make the decisions about the house and the finances etc and he just leaves me to it.

I think your problem OP is you said you are not a natural 'leader' as such. This means you 2 are both in the same role. I think when one of you prefers taking the lead and one doesnt it works best as it all slots in to place as everyone is doing what they want to do. I dont think you can change someone really radically however if you talk to him and get him to take a little bit at a time then you can teach him.

I admit that my husband has to put up with me being completely domestically useless when we first met though Grin) He was patient and taught me things. He just isnt the kind of person who likes decisions. He just says whatever you think is best darling. I revel in it personally lol.

Please
or
to access all these features

snowflake69 · 30/11/2010 09:50

Also how the hell does a man lose a car? That sounds more than indecisive and just sounds like they are stupid?

Please
or
to access all these features

snowflake69 · 30/11/2010 09:55

'I have nothing meaningful to add. Many moons ago, our society was matriarch led. Women ruled the roost so to speak. I was brought up thus (grin ) and quite comfortable in this role. I think it is sweet he offers you unconditional love, so maybe his indecisiveness is the price you have to pay for being cherished and adored.

I hope that qualifies as support, eh, if not, maybe a course of testosterone might be worth considering.'

This is a brilliant post. The benefits I find to having a husband like this is they are sweet, kind, considerate, always think of your needs in bed, are sweet and kind to animals and children, they love you and put you first and adore you and would do anything for you.

Look to all the good points you can have from a man like this. I never get how a woman wouldnt respect a man just because he isnt a natural leader or decision maker. Some men are not but I would rather have that than a man who cheats, who doesnt love you or puts you first or doesnt respect you.

Please
or
to access all these features

nameymcnamechange · 30/11/2010 11:36

Given that I am not going to divorce my husband for being indecisive and a little bit "inert" (yes, I really think my two children would thank me for that: "Why are you leaving Daddy?" "Oh, you know, I wish he had a bit more get up and go outside of work") then I do think it is a good idea to remind yourself what IS good about partners like this. My dh does all the dc homework with them, for instance, is the only one who'll go outside and play football in the garden with ds, will do any household chore I ask him to do. He is very compliant. It is frustrating but not marriage-ending behaviour.

Please
or
to access all these features

asouthwoldmummy · 30/11/2010 11:53

I completely agree with namey. We do all have bad points, even Mr LeQ it would seem. Although i really would like to know how you lose a car.

DS is unwell at the minute and I don't drive, so I've told DH he will have to do the shopping by himself tomorrow. Will be intersted to see what he comes back with, although not looking forward to listening to him justifying his choices!

Please
or
to access all these features

diddl · 30/11/2010 12:20

What would bother me about this is that if they could make decisions at work & had previosly lived alone & made all household decisions, why couldn´t they now?

Please
or
to access all these features

snowflake69 · 30/11/2010 12:24

'What would bother me about this is that if they could make decisions at work & had previosly lived alone & made all household decisions, why couldn´t they now?'

It depends with my husband and I we met as teens as did my parents, his parents and all of our relatives. That way this is sort of common in my life.

Please
or
to access all these features

Lovecat · 30/11/2010 13:15

I was just about to comment on the irony of LeQ eulogising MrLeQ as the dominant male when from her posts about him losing the car (and doing something else very, very stupid that I can't immediately recall) she makes him sound like a bit of a child who needs mothering himself...

This thread is fascinating - I would say that DH is indecisive/helpless to a large extent, but having read all the posts I'd have to say that it's only when it's not interesting to him...

If he wants to buy a computer/car/gadget he will research the hell out of it and then make his purchase. He is a CFO and makes lots of high powered decisions on a daily basis. But when it comes to our social life and our domestic chores....Angry

If I didn't do Christmas and birthdays they wouldn't happen. If I didn't organise DD's birthday party or playdates or social events they wouldn't happen. If I didn't plan, research and book our family holiday it wouldn't happen. We don't go out unless I organise it.

In the house, he will fill and empty the dishwasher. But that's pretty much it. I've already ranted on AIBU about his lack of care/concern over DD's headlice a while back. He will tell me 'we need to do xxx' and assume that his part of the transaction is over and I will take care of it. Whilst on many an occasion I feel like leaving it until he stirs himself, I don't want DD to suffer.

Case in point. I have got shingles at the moment and am in a great deal of pain. DH asks me on Saturday morning as I return from A&E with my aciclovir, 'Do we need to do any school uniform washing for DD?' I reply yes, her school shirts need doing, she's okay for everything else, and retire to bed.

FF to early Sunday evening and I discover that her shirts have not been washed. I ask DH, his response 'well, I could only find one of them'. I check the linen baskets in her room and the bathroom, look behind the sofa (don't ask) and discover 4 more. I end up putting them on. X-factor results finish. DH looks up and says 'ooh, don't we need to take DD's shirts out of the machine?' And remains sitting there, looking at me. I reply (through gritted teeth at this stage) 'yes, WE do.' He sits there. I get up and do it.

Last night I said that I really didn't feel like cooking. He said 'well, I would cook something but I don't know what we've got in.' I tell him. He says he doesn't fancy any of that and he'd really like kebab and chips. Will I phone them while he does.... actually, I have no idea what he went and did other than smoke a fag!

His mum committed suicide when he was 12. From that age to when he went to Uni he was looking after himself and his dad and younger siblings. He managed to do that, perhaps he thought when he got married 'ahh, I can relax now and not have to bother!'??

Tbh I can stand the domestic crappery (although it irks me when I'm not well) but as another poster said further up the thread, it's the always having to plan for things, never feeling special... he decided to have a bbq birthday party for me this summer, as our garden had just been redone, invited just HIS FAMILY (don't get me wrong, I like his family, but !!!) and then 2 weeks before my birthday said 'um, can you invite all our friends as I don't know their numbers' - oh, and don't worry, I'll do all the food and preparation... this translated to getting hot and sweary over a barbecue on the day. Not buying the food, not marinading it, not making any salads, side dishes or desserts... don't get me wrong, we had a great time, but just for once! Just once!

Ooh, that was a rant and a half! I'm not sure what good it did me, as I now feel a burning ball of rage and resentment towards him, but hey! :)

Please
or
to access all these features

LeQueen · 30/11/2010 15:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Please
or
to access all these features

feistychickfightingthebull · 30/11/2010 15:14

My DH is like this and it is soooo annoying, it is like living with a young kid and I already have three as it is. Everything from finances, choosing schools, choosing minders, parents evening, what to eat, ordering food etc is done by me. He just has no opinion on anything or even bothers to have an opinion. I am feeling really fed up with it all at the moment, especially when in an argument he said that I always do what I want anyway. I replied that I never do what I want at all, you just don't bother to do anything at all to get yourself involved in what is happening in the family and I cannot keep on running after you telling you what is happening if you cannot be bothered to make any decisions.

I feel that I am close to leaving him as I am fed up of mothering him. He is not all bad in that whatever I (tell/ask) him to do he will do but it is frustrating. I once asked him why he should ask me what needs doing as if I have a PHD in knowing what needs to be done, you are an adult so behave like one. I mean HTF am I the expert on what needs to be done by when. He probably sees me as his mother and it is so off putting. I don't even feel like getting busy in the bedroom because of this and the constant nagging from him for sex, aarrghh. I do not see us lasting very long if he does not drastically change his ways

Please
or
to access all these features

LeQueen · 30/11/2010 15:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Please
or
to access all these features

RitaLynn · 30/11/2010 15:25

LeQueen,

I think you're not helping your case here. (I know this is off-topic, but it's a bit like wandering into a thread on lack of money, and someone saying "think of the problems of having too much money", or someone not having enough sex, and saying "think of me though, I sleep with my husband twice every night, think of my problems"

I think people get that you're married to a big alpha male, who has his own brand of problems. That's not what this thread is about.

I'm sure lots of people wouldn't want to be married to someone you describe like that either, so when you criticised someone's choice of husband, it must hurt them.

Please
or
to access all these features

feistychickfightingthebull · 30/11/2010 15:26

LeQueen, I would be more than mad with that, that is certainly the other side of the coin and I would definitely hate a DP/H like that. On the other hand the non-doers are equally as frustrating. In fact my DH is pretty proactive when he wants to do things that satisfy him e.g driving 200 miles to pick up his brother to bring him to our house for a visit (WTF) and yet he needs to be asked to take the kids to football every Saturday as if it is a new event. When I moan about it he just says why didnt you ask. Well fuck off is what I feel like saying..... they have been going for football practise every Saturday for the past two years and yet I must ask....... With my DH I sincerely believe it is just simple piss taking and not helplessness.

Please
or
to access all these features

diddl · 30/11/2010 15:41

"Imagine what that's like to live with?"

Sounds fucking awful to me.

Confident & self assured enough to lose a car-no, just too lazy/forgetful to collect imo.

Please
or
to access all these features

LeQueen · 30/11/2010 15:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Please
or
to access all these features

LeQueen · 30/11/2010 16:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Please
or
to access all these features

LeQueen · 30/11/2010 16:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Please
or
to access all these features

diddl · 30/11/2010 16:10

Depends what you term an Alpha male, I guess.

My husband is decisive, capable of looking after himself & the children, works hard, provides for us all but not a "man´s man" in terms of watching lots of sport or always out drinking/getting drunk.

Please
or
to access all these features

RitaLynn · 30/11/2010 16:11

LeQueen,

Agreed, but I don't think many of this thread have expressed a desire for a big dick swinging alpha male type, but a rather more golden-mean-type person a l'Aristotle.

Please
or
to access all these features

LeQueen · 30/11/2010 16:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Please
or
to access all these features

RitaLynn · 30/11/2010 16:20

I'm no social anthropologist, but with pretty much most characteristics, I would rather suspect most men lie in a continuous spectrum, centred around the middle.

I don't know of any evidence for this division between alpha and beta male types you assert. It's certainly not the case in my personal experience.

Please
or
to access all these features

BlingLoving · 30/11/2010 16:21

Lovecat - I see your situation as very different to the OP. The OP feels her DH doesn't make decisions and is a bit passive, but will step up when asked. Your DP to be honest, sounds like he's happily sitting back and letting you do everything. On the emptying the washing machine of DD's shirts for example, I would have said, "I'm sick. Please hang them up."

He got away with not only being passive, but also lazy. I'm not blaming you - I appreciate that these situations develop over years but I do feel you should be assering what you want more.

Please
or
to access all these features

mustdash · 30/11/2010 16:24

OP, I truly thought I was the only one, and cannot tell you what a relief it is to know I am not. Thank you. Blush

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.