ex sent pics of new girlfriend

[spiritedaway]

My ex who constantly says he wants us back... WEsplit 2 months ago..is already seeing various girls. Saying i have no right to ask for time...make my mind up etc. He asks to meet and if i agree immediately places demands like we are meeting to start the relationship again..not just to build bridges. Recently told me he is sleeping with someone else...i replied i don't need to know, be adult next thing i received pic message of half naked 20 something in his room. With message,"is this adult enough for you?" I am 40 and 7 months pregnant with our second child. He then said he sent this pic to show me he really loved me because he wanted me not her,,,the pic he said was to show it was not through lack of opportunity. Also he as said, "screw you, you have no right to be upset. It's me who wants you back. "Problem is...it made me feel shit and now i am weakening in my resolve to part. Any comments? Feeln so low and confused, lonely etc

d someone weeks into your relationship - are you twelve? No - then this means nothing. weeks into a relationship is not exclusive time IMO, who knows where it is going. Even if you and he were supposed to be exclusive - you haven't cheated again since you knew you were serious about him. He's a massive twat and a shit stirring idiot. Controlling, possessive and immature. Shagging someone else only weeks in = not crime of the century.

So you shagge is missing from the start of my post!

He is a dick, you do know that picture can be classed as offensive material in the context it was sent.

People may say over reaction, I'd contact the police and tell them he is harrassing you and sending you semi pornographic pictures taken of women and distributed you beleive without their conset.

Even if she knew, sending you sexual pictures with the aim to distress in it's self will be taken seriously by the police.

I'm sure she does not know that picture was sent around if indeed take. Get an order slapped on him pronto he sounds dangerous.

This kind of man... even if you had not slept with someone else before settling down with him he'd have found something to blame you for, as he wants something to hold over you. Bet he's quite pleased, in a twisted way. that you actually did something he can blackmail you with to the end of your days. Your own sense of guilt is doing half the punishment to you and allowing him to administer the other half. But a nice man who was hurt by your actions wouldn't want you punished. A nice man would not be violent whatever the provocation. And a perfectly sane man wouldn't think that you would be moved by his extremely backwards argument about "look how much I love you, I shag other women"

Anyway, you shagged someone, now he's shagged someone too. Is he happy? Is honour satisfied? Frankly it doesn't sound like it.

You will not be happy together if you do allow him back, I hope you realise. Things may be better for about five minutes. But on top of the original excuse he now has to punish you for throwing him out. That ought to be worth a decade or so more of abuse, don't you think?

Just run away from this loon.

Hi mummiehunnie....their mum wouldn't talk to him or communicate in any way and although he had a contact order when we 1st met she kept frustrating contact...he kept taking it back to court so cafcass report and involvement was going on for years. When stepson reported what happened at our house social services talked to me and i heard of previous allegations.

Annie, that is spot on.

I never shagged anyone while I was seeing H, but he found a box of letters from a BF of years ago.. who turned out to be gay... oh the torture I got for that.... years of it...

I often wonder what H would have used if it hadn't been for that box. he tortured me because I was married previously too... so the accent would probably have been more on that.

He says our life together was a sham and that i conned him into thinking he had a life partner who was perfect and whom he adored. He also says he would forgive but not forget...wants me to take some responsibility for how pear shaped it went and that he will seek revenge on this poor unsuspecting ex because that's life and life is violent sometimes....

Why am i feeling like meeting him? Probably vanity, insecurity and also because i keep playing out this scenario in my head where he settles down with someone new and he has the kids they playing happy families. THey'll be loaded with a good standard of living...we'll be broke....they'll grow up, want to live there etc...i know this is all bollocks, just some of the ideas that go round in my head.

What happened at your house?

for the love of god, you need to report this man to the police! he sounds like a sociopath

Yeah...I think he was pleased to have something on me. And of course...he had problems with loads of other completely innocent things prior but i could just tell him straight he was out of order.

And like the box of letters scenario he used his knowledge of my wrong doing to demand to know everything about my sexual history way way before we met. I kept trying to answer openly but sometimes memory or chronology would fail me or he'd think he'd caught me in a "lie". His justification was that he needed to know every single detail in case 1 day he'd find himself in a room ful of people and there might be a man i'd had history with. That was his worst case scenario.

In his warped view the mystery, hypothetical ex would be laughing at the poor cuckhold...not thinking lucky bastard, look at the life they've got.

Well of course you aren't perfect. You're a human being! If perfection is what he's looking for, he'll be a long time looking.

"that's life and life is violent sometimes..." god, that's chilling. Well yeah, life IS violent sometimes, but this isn't some force of nature over which he has no control. He's probably only saying it as another back-handed persuasion technique - come back to me and I won't beat up your ex. Just imagine how much a judge would be impressed by that argument when he's up for assault (though it's probably all mouth, men who abuse their partners are often cowards who wouldn't dare pick on someone their own size).

He won't get the kids, he won't even want them unless to upset you, and courts don't award residence on the grounds of income (yet...) so tell your poor head to slow down and try to think rationally, understandably hard though that is at the moment. This is an unpleasant man reacting badly to being told to shove off. Unfortunately he is the sperm donor for your baby, but this does not make him father material. You, on the other hand, are a good mother and did your best to be a good partner, which he threw in your face and will continue to do so forever. The less you have to do with him, the better.

He is a nutter, complete nutter. I really think you should condsider the police and slap an injunction on him sooner rather than later.

The nudey images are quite serious harrasment and were sent with intent to distress.

He is seriously fucked up and men like him are very, very, very dangerous.

that he will seek revenge on this poor unsuspecting ex because that's life and life is violent sometimes

I don't understand why you are not alarmed by this, he is going to destroy another human being, the mother to your children's half sibling, have you at least warned this woman that he is threatening her, or the police?

Your Ex is a sick and twisted man. Do whatever you have to to keep him away from you and your family. He is dangerous and he will never get better.

Oh LMHF, had all that about my past with XH too, but believe it or not I didn't even have a past! I said to him, if I had slept with anyone else I wouldn't be ashamed of it so I'd be quite happy to tell you. I'm only saying I didn't because I didn't, and sometimes I quite wish I had so that I could say "yeah, so what?". I thought eventually he'd learn to trust me when he knew me properly, but 20 years on he was still on about what I might have been up to, or was planning. In the end I got so furious about it that I did have a sort of emotional internet affair (brief, unconsummated, and that I am ashamed of) because it felt so good to have something to admit to at last. That is not a good mental place to be in. And then I left him, about 25 years later than I should have.

Had all that about catching me out in a "lie" too btw, SpiritedAway, and being "hypocritical" if I changed my mind. It's mind games, pure and simple. Gives them an excuse to treat you like crap. Mine was never violent but he could sulk, shout and sneer for the world championship. And he too was obsessed with whether other people were laughing at him. Spooky eh...

It does sound so similar definately...also, if they thought we were such bad people...why didn't they leave...makes no sense on any level...

The ex he meant when referring to violence is the guy i was seeing, not his ex wife. I haven't warned him because i think myXP is spouting bollocks and i don't want to help him in his fear mongering. His ex wife has NOTHING to do with him. No email text nothing, and now i know why.

Does this sound familiar Annie

I told him something he wanted to know...for example how many men I had dated 15 years ago during the time I lived in France. This fact was unacceptable for some reason, so he'd say...adjust that fact, make it more plausable, give me a grain of truth for me to hold onto. It'll be a leap of faith and will heal our relationship..I'll be able to give you the respect you want...etc.

Also, being in bed or asleep when a new line of interrogation was opened was a tactic apparently. Sleeping was "avoiding the issue" a sure sign of guilt.

Yes Spirited, you do know why, but it doesn't make it any easier. Give yourself time and space. If he continues with the inappropriate messages contact the police and get a restraining order. He is emotionally abusing you. This is just as bad as physically abusing you.

You have a small child and another inside you. Be true to them and yourself. If you find yourself weakening ask yourself: How would I feel if this were happening to my daughter? You deserve to love yourself as much as you love them.

Find some RL support. Post here when you need to. Do not allow him to break you down.

Spirited sorry if someone else has already said this but you wrote:

"during my 2nd pregnancy he did some hacking and snooping and found out about the beginning of relationship"

He has gone out of his way to look for something to punish you for. Normal people do not hack into each others emails etc.

He has deliberately created a situation where he felt justified in abusing you emotionally and physically.

When I was pg and we went for our booking in appt, the midwife asked DH to leave the room so she could talk to me about domestic abuse. Apparently 90% of physical abuse begins during pregnancy. I was so shocked and sad to hear this. I am grateful to be naive about such things but can only say that a man who is willing to treat you in this way while you are pregnant is the lowest of the low and sweetie, you and your babies are SO much better off without him

Wishing you strength. Did you say where you are? Pls repost if you did, if I am near I have some nice chunky boots to do bum kicking with :)

and spiritedaway may not be perfect but the huge difference is that she can look back on this relationship and identify things she's not proud of. An NPD (and yeah, I agree that it looks that way) will never, ever look back on a relationship and feel he could have behaved better. YOU should always have conceded more, compromised more, abliged and accommodated him more, ignored bad behaviour, praised him more, been more grateful. Whatever, it'll always be your fault in his head when he rolls it around in his brain.

YOU may be forty with two kids (soon anyway) but you have the benefit of having learned from this experience. You emerge from it a little scarred perhaps, but still sane and normal.

You have your children. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and keep this guy at as far a distance as is possible.

Thanks all for your kind words. I have actually got non molestation orders etc. Didn't think of those pics in that light. Really tho i should stop replying to his texts before i could claim harrassment. This has really helped...I thought what i had done wasn't so terrible but then i also thought everyone tells themselves that, I'm sure psycho exes tell themselves the same. Thanks for the support

Seeing a pic of beautiful half naked girl with your ex then feeling his baby kicking inside is hideous though.

He/She is YOUR baby, just focus on that. Easy for me to say I know, but by sending that picture he is simply showing you that you have made absolutely the right decision.

Do stop 'engaging' with him SpiritedAway.

Otherwise, even though you've split up from him, you're not free not properly, because on an ongoing basis you have these mindgames and mini court cases where you have to defend yourself.

The period where you totally disconnect is really HARD, because he will UP the ante to try and provoke you in to defending yourself (or whatever your pattern was. My pattern for 8 years was that I would defend myself to my x, my every thought, wish, aspiration, ambition, opinion..... I had to fight for the right to have a free thought, it was torture). But when I left him, it carried on for nearly a year!!! I wasted my breath trying to make him understand why I had to leave, defending my decision and my right to end the relationship.
the funny thing is, he only ever finally began to respect me a bit when I truly stoppped giving a fuck what he thought and stopped communicating with him.

It is really difficult to stop engaging..Everytime i think that's it..gotta be the end..i start thinking about the good things...cos obviously there were loads. He was the most attentive loving person ever...at times. Then when i think about giving him a chance, i'm flooded by the bad memories. Only way is to stop the cycle

yes, the first few times you don't respond to the various accusations and character assassinations, which are always so HIDEOUSLY unfair, it feels like you're letting him win, letting him talk down to you and it feels like you've BecomE THAT DOORMAT. the thing you've been fighting for years. Ignoring the insults and accuastions from an NPD feels at first like being a total SAP, but you won't believe the freedom that comes from the realisation he will have at some point, that he can pull every last dirty trick and histrionic out of the bag and you will be able to calmly press delete rather than racing to respond.

For as long as you feel the urge to defend yourself to him/argue with him, it proves to him that it matters to you what he thinks, or that you still want his good opinion of you.

When he can call you a slut and a liar and when he can taunt you and torment you and accuse you and you can stare calmly back at him and at first resist the urge to defend yourself, and then, in time, feel that you can't be bothered to defend yourself, then not only will you be free, but he will stop bothering to torment you.

I had left my x before very wise people like Mathanxiety and Anniegetyourgun and to name just a couple explained these things to me.