His kids dont want to know our baby

[cherry80]

Got together with P five years ago, just as he was leaving previous relationship. Not ideal at all but it was over before we started. His ex wife refuses to believe this and has spent the last five years ignoring divorce proceedings, refusing to let him see kids and telling them all sorts of nasty things. He was still in phone contact and spoke to his two daughters (aged 14 and 17)at least once a week until earlier this year. Every time he asked them to meet me or come round to our house they said they had to check with their mum then the asnwer would be no. He takes his son (aged 10) to football and out to lunch every week but the one time he brought him round to ours cause his son asked to see our house, he wasnt allowed to see him for weeks. Obviously this is upsetting for him and me but i thought if he could just keep contact eventually his ex would calm down and be more reasonable. I am now pregnant and expecting our baby in March. When he told his girls in Sept they just stopped speaking to him, they havent replied to any texts or phone calls since. He continues to see his son once a week, but im not allowed to be involved. I am much more upset than i thought i would be at the fact his kids are rejecting our baby and he seems to find it difficult to be excited about my pregnancy cause his girls have cut him out of their lives. I dont know what to do but i cant see how this can continue, cause i dont want him spending every Sunday with his son without me once our baby arrives, i'll need more support off him. Any advice or help would be welcome.

Why did you get involved in such a relationship if you know it was not ideal to do so at that point, hang around and then be so surprised that things worked out as they have? You knew what you were getting into when you got pregnant both of you!

What do you want, to control his ex wife and daughters? Him to stop seeing his son?

I think for the sake of your sanity,your dps feelings and the new baby you have to look at it as 2 seperate families.....he has a family starting with you where the child is jointly parented and unfortunately this child is an 'only' child unless the situation improves and your dp has another family that seem to treat him shoddily- you cant be part of this family nor can you protect your dp from the hurt,but it simply is beyond your control.

If Sundays with his son are part of the package then I think you will have to live with it and appreciate the time you have together.

Its hard I know but this is how it goes with seperated families and its always us as second wives/partners that seem to be 'excluded'.

I just wanted to post again to say I am sorry I was a bit harsh on you!

Well, I think you need to bite your tongue with regard to the Sundays with his son. Your DP has commitments that you he must honour.

I must say, I don't quite understand why you are complaining on one hand about the attitude of his daughters towards your relationship, yet on the other you are resentful of his relationship with his son.

In order to have any chance of a future relationship with his daughters, you must both be very careful not to scupper the contact with his son.

I'm sure you can cope with one day in seven on your own. His ex-wife has to cope every day on her own.

Maryz, no court would force a 10 year old to do anything they don't want to, if they had done that when he was 5 it would be a different case, they take wishes and feelings into consideration at that age and won't force him to see what his family veiw as the other woman who is why he only see's his dad for a few hours on a Sunday and has him the rest of the time and then wants to take up that precious time he has with his dad by including herself in that also!

It seems from your post it's all about you and what YOU want!!?

Family will always come first... But there is no legal restriction here, your dp has the right to include his dc with you and the new baby. He needs to speak up a bit here I think

I think your comment was rediclous to force a child to see someone they don't want to see, and quite selfish as his own father shows with his behaviour that he would not force the child to do so!

OP is trying to control his daughters to accept her truth and to do what she wants them to do, to not have their own feelings and to not want anything to do with her, who I am sure had plenty of behind the scene string pulling in their parents divorce, she is making herself out to be some sort of victim here, and I suspect she loves that role!

You do have to accept that he had this family before yours and that they will take up space in his heart and time from his day.

It will all work out I think your just stressy cos its near Xmas and you are worried about sharing his time on special days.

He needs to get his divorce sorted out first, I would think. Surely it can be done now that they have been separated for five years. Would that not put a formal arrangement in place over access and his ex-w wouldn't be able to threaten everyone with no further visits if one of her rules was broken?

I should think the older girls will eventually come round if you all just quietly bide your time.

See ive been in this situation dh was married before his daughters didnt want to know him or me,,,,,then last year one of them turned up via our ds and I have to admit it made me v insecure the fact that she held such 'control' over him.

I'm sure that the OP's partner would like to be able to bring his son to his house and from the OP's post it sounds liek the 10yo boy would like that as well but his mother is preventing it. Can your DP not talk to his ex about this, its hardly putting the interests of the child first putting him in a situation like this.

A court order may well mean that you would get the right to bring the boy to your home but at 10yo the court will take his wishes into account. He may come under pressure from his mum to say he doesn't want to come - again not fair on him but I can see how it could be better to leave things as they are ratehr than put him under this pressure.

As for the girls they're old enough to make their own decisions, though it does sounds like they may have been influenced. You both have to accept this and hope they come round even if it takes years. Keep up Xmas cards/birthday presents, etc even if there are no replies.

You may be without your DP on Sundays - he needs to keep seeing his son. If he was to stop seeing him now then the boy really would feel rejected and pushed out by the new baby. You will manage Sundays on your own - trust me, when I had a baby it didn't stop my DH going paragliding most weekends.

I think you need to adjust your expectations here. Those children are probably still upset about dad leaving so you can't expect them to be happy about a new baby. Likewise the mum, she's probably sad and its showing to her children.

My Dp's old relationship broke up years before we met and was mutually agreed. It still upset the ex-lady and one DSC when we had a baby. The other DSC is happy btw. The point is, I just have to make the best of it and do my best to keep the situation calm and positive.

This is what happens when you marry someone who has DCs from a previous. They are children and you can't expect them to be happy about changes like this or for them to make things easy for you.

You have to look long-term with SDC's in my opinion. Be kind and understanding but also grow yourself a thick skin. Respect their point of view on this - in a couple of months or years it could be different.

Congrats btw!

I dont want to stop him seeing his son or force his children to spend time with me. I just wanted advice as to how we could try to make the situation better. We dont want to do down the legal route for two reasons, firstly the ex ignores all proceedings until forced by the court so it takes a long time and is costly, secondly it doesnt help his relationship with his kids. I dont want to stop him seeing his son but he works late every evening and it would be nice if me and the baby (when it arrives) could come to football sometimes too. His son has said he would like to come to our house but if he does that his mum will be angry at him. I understood he had kids when we got together and i have never tried to force myself into their relationship i just wanted to see if anyone had any ideas about how we could make it better for everyone.

Are there any mutual friends/relatives who may act as a go between?

You cant Its your dps issue to resolve - cant you happen to be nearby when they are at football and suggest a Mcdonalds or something? slowly slowly catchy monkey???

The children have no legal right to a relationship with this halfsibling, unless it is through the father and stepmother!

wow some harsh responses on this thread.

Op I'm going to be honest - some of this doesn't add up to me.

Firstly you say that your relationship began just as your dp's marriage was ending and that the relationship had been over for ages - are you absolutely sure about that? Because tbh the ex's response sounds to me as if perhaps she didn't think the relationship was over at the time he ended it to be with you. I'm not saying that you had a hand in this btw, but you wouldn't be the first woman to whom a bloke had sworn that his marriage was over in order to be with her... It seems clear to me that the ex thought that there was some future in the marriage if she thinks that you were the cause of it ending, and while this does not justify her turning her children against their father, it does go some way towards explaining why she seems so bitter.

Also you say that your dp hasn't divorced her yet - why not? Why has he not filed for divorce/they've been separated for five years now so he could get a divorce - why hasn't he?

Similarly why did he not go to court to see his children? I'm sorry but "it costs too much and ex doesn't respond" just isn't good enough imho. If the man loves his children, wants a relationship with them, then he would move heaven and earth to achieve that.

Your dp should maintain a relationship with his ds at all costs imho, and if this means not spending sundays with you and your baby then so be it. But tbh I'd be more concerned at the fact he has A, not filed for divorce from his ex, and B, hasn't made a concerted effort to ensure that his children from his previous relationship are an integral part of his life. That would concern me wrt the baby in the event your relationship were ever to end, more than the lack of a relationship between the existing dc and the baby would...

Cherry80, you are just going to have to be patient I'm afraid. The DSS seems as though he still thinks well of you and your DH, so through maintaining a relationship with him, in time the girls may come round.

TBH, it sounds like the gap between the marriage ending and yours beginning may have been a little tight. Girls are funny about Dad leaving. Now there is another little one on the way. Ok so the Ex has been bending her DC ear, nothing you can do about that realistically other than to convey to the DSS and the DSDs that you are there, eager to meet them and welcome them to your home and your heart whenever they are ready.

Your comment " i dont want him spending every Sunday with his son without me once our baby arrives, i'll need more support off him." bothered me though.

You can not monopolise your DP's time. He will be with you all week, but one day, he needs to be with his own son. That boy comes before you. Given the rest of the story, he really needs to make sure that this remains the case.

If your DP were happy to dump all his DC and be with you, I'd be advising you to dump him, It seems however that he is a caring soul, who loves his DC, loves you and will love his baby with you. You need to relax, fit in where and when you can when it comes to his DC. For now. Play the long game. It'll get better in the end.

If you get all pouty and needy, that will only make things worse for everyone. Be smart, you have plenty of time for life to be as you would like it to be.

I guess what you're saying is if dss was allowed to visit your house then you would get to see dp at the same time.

Regrettably though it does sound as if there was overlap with you and the ex, at least in her mind, if not in fact. It's been 5 yrs and there's been no softening in attitude? Then dh will have to divorce and arrange for access if you want matters to change. Or divorce and make clear to all three children that the door is always open to them.

The lack of action of dp's part to see the children might bespeak of residual guilt?