His kids dont want to know our baby

[cherry80]

Got together with P five years ago, just as he was leaving previous relationship. Not ideal at all but it was over before we started. His ex wife refuses to believe this and has spent the last five years ignoring divorce proceedings, refusing to let him see kids and telling them all sorts of nasty things. He was still in phone contact and spoke to his two daughters (aged 14 and 17)at least once a week until earlier this year. Every time he asked them to meet me or come round to our house they said they had to check with their mum then the asnwer would be no. He takes his son (aged 10) to football and out to lunch every week but the one time he brought him round to ours cause his son asked to see our house, he wasnt allowed to see him for weeks. Obviously this is upsetting for him and me but i thought if he could just keep contact eventually his ex would calm down and be more reasonable. I am now pregnant and expecting our baby in March. When he told his girls in Sept they just stopped speaking to him, they havent replied to any texts or phone calls since. He continues to see his son once a week, but im not allowed to be involved. I am much more upset than i thought i would be at the fact his kids are rejecting our baby and he seems to find it difficult to be excited about my pregnancy cause his girls have cut him out of their lives. I dont know what to do but i cant see how this can continue, cause i dont want him spending every Sunday with his son without me once our baby arrives, i'll need more support off him. Any advice or help would be welcome.

Ho hum, another OW, who think she gets to dictate when everyone "gets over it" and "moves on"! Obviously on her terms. And funny how in these situations its always the ex who is the bitter, lunatic. I'm sure Bonsoir will be along shortly to tell you its all the ex's fault for not shagging him enough

These kids are young. They will come to terms with their parents seperation and a new baby when they are ready. It may take years and so be it - but it won't happen for a very long time if they feel caught between sadness for themselves and their mother and a father that wants to introduce a new partner and baby.

What I hated about going to my dad and stepmum's house with their baby daughter was that is was cosy up until the point you left their cosy unit and went back to your broken one.

Be patient. Your dp's relationship with this boy is his business and he does have obligations to him new baby or no new baby. You will have to make allowances and when these kids grow up they will probably want to reestablish a relationship with their dad and then get to know you and your child.

Concentrate on your pregnancy and congratulations.

"Girls are funny about Dad leaving. "

Honestly? You come across as selfish and needy. They are his chidren, those girls are at a vunerable age, they are probably angry at you, angry at him.

He has made no legal effort to secure access to his children and here he is making more. They probably feel abandoned, neglected and second best at a very vunerable time.

The relationship between them and their dad may never fully recover and I am saying this as someone who has been there.

His relationship with his son needs nuturing not you making demands on him lessening it. If this happens he stands to lose his son too and you will become the target of his resntment later in life.

Again, I have seen it. The kids when they grow up will make their own mind up, so the truth will out and they will remember peoples actions.

You need to get him to divorce for a start.

ski, they are. it's a fact of life.

I speak from experience.

Men/boys see things differently.

Thanks for the positive messages and support. I think since the start of the pregnancy i have felt more needy and some of the more negative comments have made me think about what ive got and how i wouldnt swap it- even though it is difficult at times. There seems to be some confusion- he was definately finished before he met me but coming from a separated family i understand how the reality can make little difference to childrens minds. He is divorced but it took a very long time and cost a lot for very little because she refused to respond to court letters or summons. When i said we were reluctant to go to court it was about returning to dicuss access again, when she would probably ignore it and it would put the kids under more pressure. I never wanted to stop him seeing his son but would like it to be more flexible so sometimes his son can come to us or i can go with them. I think the situation will have to continue as it is, maybe i needed some of the negative comments to realise how good that is for us. He left a relationship that wasnt working and hadnt been for a while, he never abandoned his kids and it seems such a shame they cant be part of his/our lives. We'll keep channels open and hopefully one day they will want to.

Actually, I did not have a problem with my ex seeing his children, he took the children and myself to court to force ow on them, against their will, and I backed them up, they hate him and her all the more for taking them to court as that is what you do and never want anything to do with him as long as he is with her, so actully they dont feel you fought for them, they think you tried to destroy them and thier mother by taking them to court!

It was not aimed at you really, I was recovering from having anger aimed at me from dd about that very situation and it triggered me when I read your post, I have not read all your post, what I have read in it is that cafcass is not fit for purpose and i agree with that, it is damaging not potecting children! apologies for lashing out there if it hurt you x

Perhaps the girls dont want to come to your house and dont want to be involved with you , and while thats probably hard for you , i think its ok for them to feel that way.

Look at it from their point of veiw , their ads left , theres been financial and emotional consequences , i dont think they can be expected to be over the moon at dads new family .

You say the 14 and 17 year old say they,ll ask their mum if they can come , my 10 year old would do as i say , but the 14 year old , and especially 17 year old , would NOT have me dictating if they could see their dad or not , and id be surprised if thats whats actually happening.

Its more likeley they dont want to come and are happily blaming mum. They are also old enough to remember what happened around the time they split up where as the younger one was only 5.

Teens and young adults dont go no contact lightly in my opinion , who doesnt want a good relationship with their dad ? As hard as it is you actually dont have any right to be involved in these young girls lives , and they obviously dont want you to , i think youll just have to accept that.

OP's DP had left wife, but it was, according to OP, very tight, as he was leaving. Implying a very short time after. Not saying that is necesarily OP's fault but it did mean expectation on exW and dcs part to 'move on' unreasonably quickly.Actions have consequenses, even a long time afterwards.

Hopefully everything will work itself out for OP, with patience and understanding. Op has understood 'negative comments' which bodes well for future.

x posts, agree dignified

goodness there are some nasty posts on here about op being ow and the other family needs to get over this after 5 years and move on

well I should bloody well think so otherwise, it is unhealthy not to have done so after 5 years and certainly not healthy for the chidlren involved and that includes the unborn child.

my ex had an affair and then married the ow, my dc still loved their dad and he married and had antoher baby. I told my own dc that the baby was their sibling and thye would love him - yes dd1 had resevations about a baby taking her dad away from her - but I reasured her as her mother and loving her wanting her to see a baby was an innocent and would be her relation to love and cheerish

stuff my feelign this is two dc who would miss out otherwise -- parents are the grown upa nd need to get on with things

shame that these three chidlren can't welcome a sibling into their family

for my dc they now have a 6 year old brother who they love and he adores both his big sisters

things didn't work out for his mum and dad but they still ahve plenty of contact and a relationship with each other - though small as the age gap is big they still do have time together aside form with their father

i would much rather put my own feeligns aside - not that i had much on it as i had moved on after 5 years... and have my own life

and the other family needs to get over this after 5 years and move on

Their reluctance to go might have very little to do with the baby , they might just not like him and not benefit from spending time with him.

As someone else says , actions have consequences , no matter how many years later. Theyre not going to celebrate him being a dad to someone else when it doesnt sound like hes being much of a dad to them.

I have discussed if ex has another child, he claims to have been trying for years and claimed a year and a half ago ow had a m/c, I have spoken to them about it, hence why I know they can't see any half siblings unless it is through the child's parents, no court would force the half siblings to have contact!

They are of the opinion the child is innocent really, so they would have time for it, they would however be fuming with their father for having another child, when he rejected the children he has and fuming at her for having a child when she was party to destroying their family!

Oh bloody hell - op isn't the other woman - she is part of an extended family now. A family consisting of kids from first and second relationship.

Shit happens - people meet other people and split up - people split up and meet other people. If the adults in this cannot get their shit together what hope is there for their kids.

I feel for all of you. But as I said it's not easy being a kid from the first marriage going to play happy families with the new one when you have to go home and face the reality of your split home.

How people can defend the ex wife in this is beyond me. She is clearly causing the son stress if he tries to have a relationship with their father that includes the new partner. It's selfish beyond belief. She needs to move on and give up her bitterness. I have no idea how you can engineer this though. Perhaps the son could explain to a child psychologist how he suffers being pulled between you all and a report might help her wake up and smell the coffee that her satisifaction at little victories over you is causing lasting damage to her son's emotional wellbeing. Imagine being a ten year old and wanting to go around to your Dad's and knowing that your Mum will be upset and angry if you do. It's just dreadful for an adult to impose this guilt trip on a child. The daughters probably do feel bitter and resentful about the baby and see you as stealing their Dad as now he will never come back but again, there was never a chance they'd feel any other way if they were always being influenced against you.

OP has explained that she was not the reason for the break up but even if she was, adults have to rise above this and let children have a relationship with their ex, unless he/she or new partner is abusive.

Again thanks for all input.Understand people thinking im being selfish- partly because ive used this forum to talk about my feelings, which i thought was the point. But i dont understand why some people think my partner has been a bad dad when he has tried his hardest to keep contact when ex tried her hardest to stop him. I understand her reaction was because we got together shortly after he left (6 months after he moved out) but its hard to be accomodating to an adults feelings 5 years later.

Live your life cherry, look for your own happiness, and don't rely on the actions of others.

The Ex does sound as if she is trying to complicate matters, for whatever reason.

If you know your conscience is clear, and that you have done what you know is right, then tbh, you don't have to worry about others opinions.

Focus on your own family, the rest will fall into place eventually. Or not. If you start reacting, you will become a part of the problem.

Make the environment you live in as welcoming as possible to DH and to his DC, doors are always open etc, and get on with your life, your new family.

thanks for all positive help. We have a great life together and we are very happy. Since becoming pregnant i have let his kids not being more involved become this huge block in my mind. Your positive comments have helped me see we are doing our best and we just have to let the rest take its own path- i need to calm down and just accept. I think i just needed to talk and listen to let me get a grip on the realities of the situation and not my hormonal mind running all over the place. Thanks again for positive messages x

Mummiehunni - I think it would be good for you to get some counselling - you are clearly very, very bitter. Taking that out on other posters is not on.

Cherry :( what a shit situation. The childrens mother is not doing them any favours poisoning them against their Dad. I think you should do what Eurostar said. Then go to the solicitor. I know it's a long road and ££ but really, it's your only option. If after 5 years she isn't going to be reasonable by herself. Then, at the very least, your DSS can grow up knowing his Dad loves him enough to fight for him. As for the DD's - all he can do is keep phoning/texting them and telling them that he loves them and wants them to be a part of his life. He doesn't want them to choose and things aren't always what they seem.

It's a real shame she is being like this and it would be nice for the children to be a part of your life, even more so with a half sibling on the way. It's sad that some people have to use the children in this way.

I could understand it a bit more if you were shagging him while they were married and she thought they were happy - but as you didn't get together until 6 months after they split up... she just needs to pull herself together. Maybe she feels that if you weren't around they might have got back together... and who knows if she is right or not... but the fact is, they'd split up (so everything clearly wasn't rosy) he was entitled to see whoever he wanted to see.