His kids dont want to know our baby

[cherry80]

Got together with P five years ago, just as he was leaving previous relationship. Not ideal at all but it was over before we started. His ex wife refuses to believe this and has spent the last five years ignoring divorce proceedings, refusing to let him see kids and telling them all sorts of nasty things. He was still in phone contact and spoke to his two daughters (aged 14 and 17)at least once a week until earlier this year. Every time he asked them to meet me or come round to our house they said they had to check with their mum then the asnwer would be no. He takes his son (aged 10) to football and out to lunch every week but the one time he brought him round to ours cause his son asked to see our house, he wasnt allowed to see him for weeks. Obviously this is upsetting for him and me but i thought if he could just keep contact eventually his ex would calm down and be more reasonable. I am now pregnant and expecting our baby in March. When he told his girls in Sept they just stopped speaking to him, they havent replied to any texts or phone calls since. He continues to see his son once a week, but im not allowed to be involved. I am much more upset than i thought i would be at the fact his kids are rejecting our baby and he seems to find it difficult to be excited about my pregnancy cause his girls have cut him out of their lives. I dont know what to do but i cant see how this can continue, cause i dont want him spending every Sunday with his son without me once our baby arrives, i'll need more support off him. Any advice or help would be welcome.

I just wanted to comment on a couple of posts:

dignified "You say the 14 and 17 year old say they,ll ask their mum if they can come , my 10 year old would do as i say , but the 14 year old , and especially 17 year old , would NOT have me dictating if they could see their dad or not , and id be surprised if thats whats actually happening."

thelibster Just wanted to say, whilst I do feel sorry for the OP, it is not likely that a 17 year old would refuse to see her father on the urging of her mother. My experience of teenagers, and I have three of them, is that they will very much do their own thing and not be dictated to by anyone.

Prior to meeting and getting to know my DSSs, I would most definitely have agreed with you. My experience of being a teenager was to rebel against my parent's wishes and disagree where I felt they were wrong. Now however, I have experienced the reality of how controlling some people can be with respect to their children, teenage or otherwise, and how actually, some of these children grow up to fear ever going against their mother's wishes for any reason. It is reality for many, many broken separated families

mummiehunnie I never spoke to my father again and did not go to his funeral, though, as luck would have it, he died in January of the year following his re-marriage and I was snowed in and couldn't have made it to the other end of the country even if I had wanted to.
allnew I was simply making the point that it couldn't be assumed that it was definitely the mother's doing that the girls had broken contact with their father that's all. It's a conclusion that many jump to and it's not always the case. Regarding your quote from dignified, my teenagers don't always want to go and see their father every time he asks, (not that they don't want to see him at all, by any means, just that they have their own lives and sometimes when he is available for them, they have other things that they want to do) I've heard them saying, "I'll ask mum", on the phone before now and when they come to me saying, "dad wants us down next weekend but I'm supposed to be doing xyz and I don't want to miss it, what can I say?" I always tell them that their choice is simply forego xyz or tell dad why they can't come. Unfortunately I have been accused by my H of trying to stop them coming!

Cherry80, I don't have any personal experience in this area, but one of my BFs has had a very similar experience.

She met her now-DH about 9 years ago. He had left his DW and three children (DDs 14 and 17 and DS 19) and met my BF very soon afterwards, too soon some people thought, but like you, they weren't together before the marriage break-up.

The Ex-W was desperately upset and made my BF and her DP's lives hell through her DDs. She would tell them nasty stories about their Dad and his new GF and they stopped seeing him. However, his DS took to my friend straight away and they became very good friends, eventually the DS moved in with my friend and his Dad.

After many years, things started to mellow and my BF and her DP were married this year. Both DDs were at the wedding and read out poems at the service. My BF says that she cannot believe how miserable they'd made her for so long because now that they've grown up, they're so very fond of her. They're both working now and appear to have grown up since leaving their Mum's clutches.

So all I am really saying, is hang in there. It's not going to happen quickly and may not happen until the girls have left home. But don't let that destroy your time with your new baby. My BF wasn't so lucky as her DH had already had the snip after having his 3 children, so now, at 40, it's unlikely that my friend will ever have a child of her own. But she made the choice to marry her DH and they are very happy.

Things will be tough, but you will all get through it. She's clearly a woman scorned!

I sympathize with you, i am in a simular situation and have to say it's not easy! But then you have to see this is now a blended family and nothing is ever simple! As far as the kids rejecting you I am sure this is not the kids doing look into PAS. My DH and I have been togther for ten years and still the silly games carry on! In the end we went to court and now see the children every weekend and nothing can be messed with regarding the contact. This may help you to build a relationship if you get regular contact sorted. I wish you luck

I think sometimes what doesnt help is when they meet someone during a "seperation " sometimes the wife thinks its temporary and hopes to get things back on track . They might state the relationship is over , but clearly sometimes the wife isnt under the same impression at all and i dont think this helps.