I think DH is a sexoholic.

[AllShaggedOut]

Honestly...what actually makes a man "unatural" in his need for sex? We're both in our mid-thirties with 2 dc...I DO enjoy sex...it's great but not as often as he wants it.

It causes rows...he ould do it three times a day if he could...he has never showed signs of being unfaithful...but I can't shag that often!

I work from home and so does he at times...if DC are not there then he comes after me all the bloody time...I have name changed for this btw as FAR too embarrased to talk about this otherwise.

We had a row today because I said that if I dont want it I dont want it and nagging or sulking is pointless...he thiinks I should "try" more as it really affects him if he can't do it often.

It DOES seem to affect him...he gets tense and grumpy...and sorting it out himself iyswim doesn't "work" apparently.

I would be happy to do it about twice a week...my younest is only 2 and I get knackered! I dont always feel sexy due to looking like I have been dragged backwards though a bush!

What to do? Feel like it will never work...

Mummiehunnie, my mother is retired counsellor who specialised in Transactional Analysis and that Berne book has been discredited for at least 20 as sexist, rape-apologist crap.

Also, frigid (correct spelling) is a concept that is non-existent. It was devised by Freud who believed that all foetuses were male and the ones that became female were inferior ones and that women's clitorises were stunted, useless things that should've been penises and because women weren't 'real' people, they were incapable of having a real sex drive and their only sexual pleasure should and could come from pleasing their husbands. This theory also used 'libido' to mean male-only sex drive, which is why people shouldn't say libido any more, either. Bonkers, esp. as males are actually female foetuses that didn't receive a full set of chromosomes (the Y in XY is actually a stunted 2nd X).

ANYWAY, lecture over. Allshagged out, when men are this obsessed with sex, it's not about sex. It's about getting a fix, just like an alcoholic needs a drink or a junkie their drugs. Like all addicts, the thing that brings them relief has become the only thing they tell themselves will make them feel good and will help them cope with life's problems, disappointments and so on. You must not just have sex with him because he wants it - this is an equal partnership. I think you said that he doesn't think sorting himself out is good enough; well, if his need was about sexual relief, then it should be (and it would be much more thoughtful towards you for him to wank than expect a shag all the time). His need for sex clearly has a very strong aspect of anxiety and anxiety relief about it - wanting the contact with you instead of wanking is one aspect, always needing to touch you and the touching turning sexual is another sign of this. It sounds like he needs constant physical reassurance and that it calms him.

I do think he needs counselling, because he sounds abnormally preoccupied with sex (wanting it all the time, never leaving you alone, the porn, expecting it during your period even though you're not keen, etc.). It sounds like his needs have started to show a lack of respect and consideration for you and your needs, because he is addicted to this fix. He sounds a nice guy otherwise, so he needs to get to the root of this.

Perhaps you mean the form I filled in to become a member of Mumsnet ?

Hates Frootshoots check

Is pedantic about spelling and grammar check

Can argue all day long about fuck-all check

Pefers to support women who are being pestered for sex rather than spout a load of woman-hating hogwash check

Scorp, can you tell me where that information is documented regarding Berne please, thanks x

Someone has already mentioned this book in a previous post but the book Wifework by Susan Maushart is an excellent book explaining alot about these sort of situations, domestic chores roles husband and wives play etc..

I havent read that book , is it the same one that details the " kick me " person ?

dignified yes it is the same book, it would be interesting to have the links from Scorp as I would be interested in reading more...

Erm, well, decades of people not using that book and thinking it's crap is the evidence for that, Mummiehunnie. I'm hardly going to ring my mother up and ask her to point me to documented proof of this for someone missing the point on an internet forum. Do you not think the OP's problem is slightly more important than arguing whether Berne's work is outdated or not?!

Also, sheer common sense that what your quote says is offensive, out-of-date, sexist nonsense is all the evidence anyone should need! Just because someone writes something doesn't make it true or make it stay true, you know.

You felt that your previous comments, that you are unable to back up now, were important enough to post then!

I could not agree more with you that just because someone writes something doesn't make it true, hence why I am asking for you to back up your statments, which you are not, and if there is a massive anti Berne thing going on, then I would be interested in reading about it.

I don't have a link because I haven't got the information off the internet - I have shared what I have heard over many years from my mother and other professional TA counsellors and stuff I learnt at Uni (back in the 90s). If this is more important to you than the OP's problem, why not research it on the internet?! I am more concerned with helping the OP than discussing the merits of a book!

Well why mention it in the first place then and not back up what you are saying? I mentioned it as that was something that I felt may help op to explore. If you are saying that it is irrelevant now and that he is well know for being sexist etc and there are profesionals going around still advocating him etc then I for one am interested. I can't find anything on the internet that follows what you are saying, so I asked you to back it up which you can't, and if there was something against his theory I would be interested in what they had to say, for many reasons.

Ive never read it , but i had a look at the " kick me " bit on line when someone suggested that i was dating a kick me player , it did ring a few bells to be honest.

Are all his ideas meant to be crap , or is it his veiw of women thats offensive ?

OP, When you do have sex, is it really good, mutually satisfying sex, or is it a series of perfunctory "quickies" that leave neither of you particularly satisfied?
I don't mean orgasms by "satisfied" necessarily, I mean the kind of prolonged sex that leaves you breathless, sweaty and with a huge grin on your face - if all he's getting is basically his balls emptying, that could be a reason why he pesters so you much , because he wants that deeper feeling of absolute satisfaction.
Quality sex a couple of times a week is hugely more satisfying than a ten minute race to orgasm every day.
The fact that he doesn't get satisfied by masturbation could be nothing but could equally be everything - he needs to examine just why he has this insatiable appetite for sex, and why the fact that he still wants sex with you when you've said no is such a problem ( and it is a problem within a loving relationship) - a loving and decent partner wouldn't want sex with someone who doesn't want it too!

Mummiehunnie, if you think that that quote could help the OP, then you are seriously deluded. It suggests that women create horrible dysfunctional sexual situations in their relationships through perfectly normal, non-sexual stuff like walking about naked in their own home or needing a towel brought to them whilst in the bath! It makes it sound like women's bodies aren't their own and that just through having a female body they are controlling and affecting men. The OP is not responsible for or the cause of, her husband's OTT sexual demands.

I only have the word of actual counsellors and tutors I know who say it is considered out-of-date and sexist. Not that you need proof to see it's offensive and sexist! I'm sorry that I can't make professional counsellors come on here and tell you what evidence they have for that. I imagine if I phoned my mother she'd be able to find stuff, but I ain't going to do that, FFS.

Mummiehunnie - on your post when you say 'repulsed' do you mean 'rejected'? They mean different things to me.

The expression 'men use love to get sex but women use sex to get love' I think is very true.

My DH has a much higher sex drive than me - we compromise in that I agree to sex once a week (occasionally twice if I'm in a good mood)and that he doesn't pester me for it. Probably sounds boring but it works for us.

If he pestered me every night I would get really cross and never give in - he in turn would then be very grumpy and hell to live with!!

I am going to leap to Prof. Berne's defence here. The game mummiehunnie quoted may not be relevant to this OP, but it perfectly describes a couple I know very well. The wife even does the dropped-towel tease. It would be nice if nobody used sex as a manipulative tool, but you'd be a fool to insist that no-one does. Additionally, those who cry outrage at Berne's choice of name, "Rapo", for a common dating game played by women, are leaping to incorrect conclusions. The unpleasant descriptor he referred to is 'prick-tease'. It happens. I've done it often enough, in my silly youth.

OP, I've been in rehab with sex addicts. It's a serious and life-damaging disorder. Your posts don't seem to describe a sex addict so much as an overbearing man who sees you primarily as an object for his gratification. His claim that he can't get 'release' through masturbation is nonsense. It might, however, suggest that he can only feel emotional satisfaction through sex. That would be quite a serious problem - for him - requiring therapy to overcome it.

Nobody gets emotional closeness by demanding it. Equally, it's impossible to bully a partner into wanting sex. I hope you can sort things out by stating these obvious facts to him very clearly and then working through some therapeutic exercises like non-sexual touching & stroking. I'm afraid I think you've got a mysogynistic bully on your hands ... but hope I'm wrong.

misogynist - for spell-checkers

No idea what "kick me" is, but wifework was a good read that IMO empowered women and gave people an insight as to why men are soooooo keen on marriage and what they get out of it compared to women,

Glad to be a lesbian. Oh yes.

Do lesbians never pressure their partner for sex, Gay ?

Don't you mean you are happy to be with your lebian partner ? I would have thought such fuckwitted behaviour wasn't confined to heterosexuals.

Correct me if I'm wrong

I can't speak for everyone - only all the ones I've ever met - but I've never heard of this.

In 20 odd years I've never felt pressured.

I'm sure fuckwitted behaviour isn't restricted to heterosexuals...but we are spared gender misalliance at least.

(Even lesbians who were formerly heterosexual say they are relieved to be spared the "not so much as a kiss all day then expected to turn on for sex immediately" scenario.)

I did once encounter a lesbian who thought that it was OK to alternate crying and physical aggression as a way to overcome someone else's reluctance to have sex with her. WHile I know that anecdote isn;t evidence and one individual not a proper statistical sample, I would be a bit surprised if she was the only lesbian, ever, to be a selfish bully WRT sex.

OP - your DH would doubtless benefit from MCBT = mindfulness based cognitive behaviour therapy.
The cognitive party helping him work on his beliefs about sex (what it signifies to him in terms of security etc. that others have mentioned) and his beliefs that he can't tolerate the discomfort of not having it. The mindfulness part will give him tools for living with discomfort which he probably believes he shouldn't have to/can't put up with - it's a therapy first developed for people who literally live in chronic pain.

If he thinks it's weak etc. to do this, he needs to wise up and be a man. I'm afraid if he doesn't change he is going to drive a wedge between you and then satisfy himself that he NEEDS sex so much that he will look outside for it.

Fair enough SGB...luckily I've never met any like that.

I'm sure they are a minority Gay - I have met lots of lovely lesbians too . But then plenty of men are nice, and don't have this bullying attitude either.