Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

someone please give me some good advice, and sort me out!!!

64 replies

sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 12:19

Dp left me and 2 girls 3 months ago, for the first 2 months everytime he came round i would cry and beg him to come back, he didnt, he said he needed to come back because he wanted to and not cause i was begging him to.....

He hasnt seen girls for a few weeks and i am dropping them to him tomorrow, i want to know how to play it, i worry if i dont keep telling him i miss him and want him back then he wont know and think i dont care, but on the other hand i think if i continue to beg etc he will know i am there waiting, i did say to him a few weeks ago that i worry if i dont keep telling him he wont know and he said if i didnt tell him for 10 weeks he would still know how i felt,

I just want to give us the best chance at getting back together i am in pieces with my family not together,

but i do know that i cant make him come back, and i worry that if i am not telling him i do want him back, he may decide he does want to come back but will be worried i have changed my mind and be scared to tell me...

But surely if he wanted to come back he would take that chance?

This makes me sound like a sad cow, but please belive me i am not!! i am just in pieces!!!

Any advice greatly appreciated. thankyou

OP posts:
MrsMiggins · 22/09/2005 12:28

hi sanchpanch

I would say try to act cool even if you have to go home and cry. Dont keep asking him. Like you said, if he decides to come home, you can make the decision how you feel then. If he doesnt, well you have your pride in tact.

having said that, I'm prob not best person to be dishing out advice seeing as I found out 4 weeks ago DH has been having an affair.
he has decided to stay and Im now considering whether to kick him out.

what a sh#t some men are

sending you a big hug as Im sure you need one

WigWamBam · 22/09/2005 12:32

I would say that when you drop the girls off tomorrow, you should keep your dignity. Don't cry, don't beg, don't tell him you miss him; just drop them off with a smile (paint it on, if you have to!) and a cool "Hello, how are you?". Let him think that you're getting on just fine without him. I think that the crying and begging is probably making him feel as if you're trying to manipulate him into coming back, and as he's already said he doesn't want to come back just because you beg him, it's not going to work.

He knows how you feel; you've made it clear, and he's told you that you've made it clear. If you keep up with the crying and begging, he's going to think it's emotional blackmail, and it's more likely to keep him away.

Sorry that this has hit you so hard, and I hope that things get easier for you soon.

SherlockLGJ · 22/09/2005 12:32

Walk tall.

Bum in.

Boobs out.

We are not called the stronger sex for nothing.

Be proud, if he wants to come back, he will test you out first, so to speak, he won't assume that you no longer want him back just because you haven't mentioned it.

Be less attainable, and slightly removed and keep him guessing.

MrsMiggins · 22/09/2005 12:35

if you can manage it, Id pretend you're going out too. Casually mention you will have your mobile phone on you if anything arises but only an emergency as you're taking the oportunity to go out & have some fun.
DONT go over the top though otherwise he'd guess.

I like what the others side - especially bum in boobs out - show him what he's missing

WigWamBam · 22/09/2005 12:35

Yes, good idea - definitely boobs out and pretend you have plans!

Listmaker · 22/09/2005 12:35

Definitely do as all the others have said. Make sure you look fabulous and happy (even if it kills you). He has to want to come back as he said and no amount of begging or declaring undying love is going to affect that. If he sees you coping and more than that doing well it'll make him think for sure!

Good luck!

koalabear · 22/09/2005 12:38

good luck
at the basic level, men are hunters - let him hunt
be unattainable - if he wants to come back, he will, and if he doesn't, at the very least, you will retain your dignity

Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 12:38

thankyou all very much, last time we spoke, was thursday 8 th september, i was cool and didnt cry to him or beg him, he told me he misses me and that it doesnt help that every time he sees me i look more and more attractive!!! (not that i spend 2 hours getting ready before i see him -honest!!!!!) this was probably the nicest thing he said to me since he went! not that he has been being horrible or anything,

And i did say to him then that he knows how i feel and i cant keep telling him,

OP posts:
Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 12:40

thanks again for your replies, i really really appreciate it, i wouldnt have coped without mumsnet over the last few months,

OP posts:
sykes · 22/09/2005 12:41

Sandpach, meant to reply to other thread. I echo wholeheartedly what WWW has said. No amount of begging will bring him back - God knows tried that so much when my h left. He knows you're devastated and love him and that he could come home, he doesn't want to, yet. My h was away for at least six months before he wanted to come home. You have to find some strength from somewhere to withdraw from the situation. When h had started to make noises about coming home I was emotionally and physically so much stronger and actually had a bf myself by then. I made him live on his own for six months to prove to me that he really wanted to come home - and to myself that I wanted him back. You will need some space and time to yourself. I know it's so awful and you'd do anything to get your family back together. I did the most bizarre things - read horoscopes everyday, played weird Tarot card things on the internet, wished on the moon etc etc. If I can help in anyway please do ask and please try to look after yourself and see friends as much as possible for support.

pindy · 22/09/2005 12:41

Yep - I agree with the others, make out you're going out (but not too over the top) also tell the children that when they are at Daddy's who will be going out for awhile, but you will have your mobile with you.

Good luck, be strong, fingers crossed it will all work out. Keep us posted.
X

WigWamBam · 22/09/2005 12:41

I would say that you shouldn't even tell him that he knows how you feel. Don't give anything away at all. Dress yourself up, perfume and make-up as well, particularly if he's telling you that you look more and more attractive ... but let him think that it might not be him you're doing it for.

noddyholder · 22/09/2005 12:42

I would ask him if you can drop them off a bit earlier as you have to be somewhere keep him guessing for a while

MrsMiggins · 22/09/2005 12:43

good for you.
dont feel grateful that he tells you you look attractive though
be very cool & blase (almost dismissive) if he starts saying you look nice

and if he says he misses you say "oh well. you know where I live." and then change the subject back to the children or just say "gotta go - have fun - I will "

I have done this before and it did work with an ex boyfriend...by which time I decided he was a jerk and didnt want him anyway

SherlockLGJ · 22/09/2005 12:51

Good idea Noddy.

God is Motherhood/MN weird or what, I never ever thought I would catch myself on a parenting site typing Good idea Noddy.

Jenny1973 · 22/09/2005 13:15

Do you not find that MEN always want what they cant have?
I aggree with the others be "Blase" & "matter of factly".
Im just a stubborn 1-I couldnt let him see How I was hurting, & I think Hes being quite cruel even though hes saying nice things to you, thats very confusing to some1 in your situation.
By the way-you are not a sad cow-its very normal to be in bits after what youve gone thru.
Try & be strong or at least appear strong, if not just for you, but for your dd's.Good Luck ((HUG))

noddyholder · 22/09/2005 13:27

I have just re read my post and I look like a devious old bat sorry!But I would do something like that

SherlockLGJ · 22/09/2005 13:30

Noddy

I think it is a great idea.

overdraft · 22/09/2005 13:37

give yourself a love bite with the hover

SherlockLGJ · 22/09/2005 13:41

PMSL

Is that possible ??

Jenny1973 · 22/09/2005 13:44

lol overdraft
U can do cow bites-kids used to do that at school. u can lick ur fingers,grab neck between 2 fingers then twist lol

Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 13:46

Sykes i hve done the horoscope reading, but then i read his and its normally better!!!!!

So i am trying to resist now!! but know exactly what you mean

OP posts:
Jackstini · 22/09/2005 13:46

lol OD - dying to get the Dyson out and see if it works!
SP - great advice from others on here. men always want what they can't have - so make him think he can't have you!

Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 13:50

I do lack confidence in my self,i was with a nasty man for 8 years up untill i was 24, and one of the worst things he did to me was stab me in the eye with a fork so now i have a false eye which i dont feel to great about, but i have to live with it, never bothered dp though...

but i have never had much confidence within, so i guess this affects me, trying to do an assertive course, there was one locally but its been cancelled....

OP posts:
Satine · 22/09/2005 13:51

Def try as hard as you can to play it cool, although I know it's going to be hard. My brother split up with his gf and she tried desparately to get him back for months, poor girl. He said afterwards that if she'd left him alone and shown him that she didn't need him he'd have been far more tempted to try to win her back. Sad, I know, but that's from a man's perspective.

Swipe left for the next trending thread