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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

someone please give me some good advice, and sort me out!!!

64 replies

sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 12:19

Dp left me and 2 girls 3 months ago, for the first 2 months everytime he came round i would cry and beg him to come back, he didnt, he said he needed to come back because he wanted to and not cause i was begging him to.....

He hasnt seen girls for a few weeks and i am dropping them to him tomorrow, i want to know how to play it, i worry if i dont keep telling him i miss him and want him back then he wont know and think i dont care, but on the other hand i think if i continue to beg etc he will know i am there waiting, i did say to him a few weeks ago that i worry if i dont keep telling him he wont know and he said if i didnt tell him for 10 weeks he would still know how i felt,

I just want to give us the best chance at getting back together i am in pieces with my family not together,

but i do know that i cant make him come back, and i worry that if i am not telling him i do want him back, he may decide he does want to come back but will be worried i have changed my mind and be scared to tell me...

But surely if he wanted to come back he would take that chance?

This makes me sound like a sad cow, but please belive me i am not!! i am just in pieces!!!

Any advice greatly appreciated. thankyou

OP posts:
Jenny1973 · 22/09/2005 14:11

OMG SP Im supprised you havnt turned gay! No offence BTW

Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 14:15

anyone suggest what i do about photos of him in the house, we had some beautiful venture photos taken last year and i have one up in the lounge, well i did have becuse i took it down at the weekend but just looked at space where it was and now i am worried in case he notices and is upset i took it down or is it just tuff s**t

OP posts:
Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 14:17

Sykes - thanks for your advice, did you eventually stop begging him to come back or were you still begging him up untill he came back?

i guess your new bf kept your mind off it a little

can you look at post below about photos of him around house?

OP posts:
SherlockLGJ · 22/09/2005 14:18

Tough

If you are not in you can't win, tell him you have started to move on in your head, and that the picture was just dragging you backwards.

sykes · 22/09/2005 14:22

I stopped begging after a couple of months and was calm and in control when he wanted to come back. It was very much well, why should I let you come back? I left photos as they although we're not massively into them anyway - mostly of dogs and horses, none of just us two but some of him with the girls which my eldest dd would have gone bonkers about if they'd been moved. But our photos are not intrusive - yours sound much larger. Our friends were all v supportive of me and the girls and thought he was behaving like a twat and told him so. Are your friends being supportive? I found it useful to have people to stay a lot/go and stay with them - just to get away from home - always took the girls with me.

CeeTee · 22/09/2005 14:23

sanchpanch,
I agree with Satine,
The sad part about it is once you are REALLY over him is when he will want you back.
Find something to do for you, go walking, or take up a class, Anything to get your mind off of him for a while....You will learn to adjust & will gain confidence in yourself.
If he wants to make it work, He should have to try harder.
I wish you the best! Stay Strong!

Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 14:27

the photos arent big they are desk top size but we all look so happy in them been down a week and oldest daughter hasnt noticed, smallest to small to notice!!

sykes, so you were being cool and calm when he decided to come back and the begging had stopped, so i definately need to stop the begging etc, someone else told me a man needs to think that he has made a decision about something and think that it was his idea,

While you were apart did you ask questions about the woman he was with, or did you decide you would rather not know?

OP posts:
Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 14:31

thanks ceetee, this is what i keep thinking aswell, and the thought kills me, because i know we meant so much to him, this is our first blip! and i trully believe that he will regret it but i am worried it will be to late by then and that will be so sad to, but at least i can hold my head up and say i tried so hard to keep my family together...

I am going to print this thread out (at work obviously) and keep reading it to give me the confidence i need, especially for tomoorow when i drop the girls off

OP posts:
sykes · 22/09/2005 14:32

Sp, just off to pick up dds but will get back to you v soon. Take care of yourself.

CeeTee · 22/09/2005 14:38

You did your best & tried your hardest, SP.
Who knows, he may realize that he made a huge mistake & ya'll may be able to patch things up. Until you hear anything different try to keep your head up. Take Care.

Listmaker · 22/09/2005 15:17

What right has he to say anything about what you do with photos in your house - he left you!! You need those assertiveness lessons SP!!

Come on girl - you can do this and as others have said if he doesn't come back it'll be his loss and you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you did your best but you have you dignity too!

Men are so simple really - they always want what they can't have!

Sorry to hear about your ex - sounds awful. Bet you still look gorgeous though and your dh has said it himself. Keep up that good work!

MrsMiggins · 22/09/2005 19:57

I would go and buy a print/picture from IKEA and put that up instead.
If he asks, tell him you thought the wall needed a bit of colour/a flower anything/ "Im experimenting!"
Keep it casual though and dont say anything negative.

Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 20:12

thanks so much for all your advice everyone, you have given me some confidence to grow from a needy mess to a big strong oak tree!!! well not quite but its a start!!!

Any night time mumsnetter advice?

OP posts:
Jenny1973 · 22/09/2005 20:28

glad u found a bit of hope from us on mn

motherwolf · 22/09/2005 20:31

sanchpanch ive been where you are now (this time last year),ive done the begging and pleading etc but finally realised he actually enjoyed it.so i did what fellow mumsnetters are advising you and made him see what he was missing.
and it worked ,he recently told me he'd drop his girlfriend like a shot iif there was a chance we could get back together ,i knew he was serious when he promised to give up his footie and golf lol

but you know what after all the pretence of pretending iwas over him i finally realised i didnt want him back after all.lol
im now dating a great guy and very happy ,hes great with my kids and the total opposite of my ex,and ive finally realised that although i care for my ex as a friend and the father of my kids im very much happier and better off without him and that what ive been through has made me a great woman.

you may follow the same advice and get what your hoping for ,maybe you wont,maybe at the end like me you may decide your better off without him,but i will say it will help you on whatever way your life ebbs out...

good luck and stay strong..xx

Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 20:42

thats a brill story mother wolf, good for you, really pleased you sound 100%happy in your life, bet he was gutted when you turned him down!!!

hope i get to where you are, i am sure i will its just a long process...

Thanks for sharing that

OP posts:
Jenny1973 · 22/09/2005 20:54

How are you feeling at the mo Sanch panch?

Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 21:03

not to bad thanks jenny, evenings are the worst time thought girls in bed etc, trying to stay up late because i cant sleep when i go to bed,

Obviously thinking about tomoorw, i will finish work at 1.00, come home put dd to bed, have shower and get myself glammed up for dropping them off!!!!! (its got to done) even though the new me will not be entering into any converstaion, it will be drop them, kiss them and go, and the same when he drops them off sunday, he is used to coming in for tea and a chat, but that will stop now, my disscussion with him will be kept to a miniumun.

I will just look and feel elusive!!!!

OP posts:
Jenny1973 · 22/09/2005 21:08

good for you. glad you are feeling abit more possitive. thats the spirit girl
Its a few yrs ago that I was in same situ as you, but My exDP never saw our Ds, & never has since.
My hubby now is all hes known as a father figure, Weve been 2getha 6 yrs & Ive never looked back

Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 21:18

Good for you!! there are definately lots of bright lights at the ends of peoples dark tunnels!! which is lovely and reasuring to hear!

OP posts:
Jenny1973 · 22/09/2005 21:20

Have you got much support from friends/family
Its times like this when you really need them

Original poster
sanchpanch · 22/09/2005 21:26

yes girls at work have been fantastic, i work in the community which is good as i can be quite flexible with time etc, so they know not to worry if i am not in by 10, but to be honest it has been my saviour going to work everyday, and i took no time off in school hols cause i needed to go to work, to keep me sane,

Have been out on a few nights out, but everyone is so young and gorgeous!! (i am 29) need to find where the older people in milton keynes go!!

OP posts:
Jenny1973 · 22/09/2005 21:35

Thats good to hear. By the way arnt you still young(29) Im 32, but I do know what you mean actually. Young 1's make you feel old. Thats having kids 4ya,they make yu feel old 2.It doesnt matter how young & georgous all the other girls are! The fact that your getting out & having a good night is what matters, you can sometimes get stuck in a rut when in a relationship.
How old are your girls?

steffee · 22/09/2005 21:38

Good luck sandpanch, I'm sure you'll do just fine.

My dh left me for a couple of weeks last year. Things were going sour for a while before that and I was getting quite desperate (for me). When he finally left I begged him for all of ten minutes "can't we try it til Christmas" etc, he rejected me. I thought "Ok, fine, I don't need you anyway". I was still upset and wanted to stay together but at the same time, I truly believed that if he didn't want me, it wouldn't work anyway, and I wasn't going to be with a man who stayed with me out of pity.

So he did all the running, phoning me, asking me to go away for a break, asking to move back in. I even refused for a while, but then let him back as I could see he really wanted to be back.

We went to marriage counselling and for a while things were fine, but the whole "us against the world" stuff has gone now, the trust has obviously weakened a good deal. I'm not sad about it, though it does sound quite sad, but I know that if he left me again now, I'd cope just fine and it's be his loss.

So what I'm trying to say, is yeah, you've every right to be upset, your life has been turned upside down, but you do deserve to be happy too. If he were to come back out of pity, it'd be an insult to you because you can and will do just fine without him! And also, I know it sounds completely ridiculous atm, but you might just get to that point where he can't hurt you anymore, whether you get back together or not!

Jackstini · 22/09/2005 21:41

SP - you are absolutely young enough! I am 33 and know what you mean but I just think all those 18 year olds look skinny and cold! Real men want a real woman not a lollipop head child.
Nights can be horrid - you need to treat yourself to some relaxing bubble baths with a book so good you can lose yourself in it!