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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I dont want dear husband's friend anywhere near me

66 replies

gysela · 22/11/2010 14:20

I have been hanging around for a while without actually posting, so this is my first post, sorry its a bit long.
Basically DH has a friend who is a bit of a pest...not to DH (he thinks the sun shines out of his backside)
Earlier this year, we ended up at marriage counselling because of the disrespectful way DH behaved when this guy was around. Basically he didn't come to my 30th and choose to go dancing with this guy instead. On another occasion his friend invited him to stay for a weekend and told him, I was going to be angry anyway whether he came or not and to just ignore my being angry.This is just a few of the things this person has done. I choose to forgive all this after MC, and agreed he could stay at our house.

We were supposed to go out as a family with him as it turns out DH said they always went to eat so he wanted to do something else. I suggested dancing which DH never says no to. Well his friend didnt want to go to that and wanted to watch a film instead. So DH tells me to book restaurant and go with kids, he will come later. From past experience involving this man I would have sat there alone with the kids fuming and they will either not come or come late. So i said I no and stayed home.I felt I had been manipulated by DH and that he knew he was not going to go for dinner anyway but agreed so I allowed his friend to stay.

On Sunday afternoon my DD brought me the takeaway containers DH's friend had eaten from and stuffed under the sofa since Thursday night, to say I am livid is an understatement.

DH doesnt have a lot of friends so I was happy for him to hang out with this guy, although I had concerns about him being immature the first time I met him. But over the time I've known him its just been gross disrespect all round when he is at our house. I am truly sick of it.

Any advice? Anyone been through this?

OP posts:

Ealingkate · 22/11/2010 14:23

Guys really do stick together sometimes - and don't see the shitty behaviour of their mates. However, how was it that he didn't come to your 30th??

MadameCastafiore · 22/11/2010 14:24

This is down to your husband not his friend he ahs responsibility for his actions and is behaving like a complete dick.

Don't want to speak out of turn but his relationship with this guy seems very weird, are you sure there is nothing more to it for him to put this friend before you?

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 14:25

His friend wanted to go dancing! So that was priority, my birthday was secondary. I understand if they stick together although I doubt I will do the same if the roles were reversed.

OP posts:

Malificence · 22/11/2010 14:30

You ( and your children) are your husband's priority and no-one else, I think he needs reminding of that fact.
The friend has got to go, either that or your immature prat of a husband can shack up with him instead, they sound perfect for one another.

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 14:32

Madame, I have thought about that as well...I really don't know. DH is 43 and this guy is 30. To DH he is an ultra confident bloke who seems to have it all(said so himself) and I think he considers himself lucky to be this guy's friend. Its a bit like being friends with the popular boy in secondary school.
I don't think he realises that because we wants to lie down and let this man walk all over him doesn't not mean all of his family want that too.

OP posts:

kettlechip · 22/11/2010 14:34

Sorry, this is seriously odd. It seems strange to blatantly put a mate before a wife, especially on her birthday.

OP, sorry to ask but are you totally sure they are only friends??

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 14:40

kettlechip, months ago when he decided to go and stay with him for a weekend in spite of me saying no I have spent months thinking there was something more. I don't have any proof so...that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. We have two DDs who were looking forward to going out on Saturday and I had to tell them their dad went to watch a movie instead.

OP posts:

spikeycow · 22/11/2010 14:40

Why did you agree to let him stay? Is it one of this situations where H is the breadwinner so you feel like you don't have a say? If so it's bollocks. You need to put your foot down, it's your home and he has no buisness being there. When he's gone you can sort your H out, who needs to grow up or else find a naive 17 year old to hook up with who would think he was cool rather than an immature arse. How can a H miss a birthday

Malificence · 22/11/2010 14:45

They are having man-love.

MadameCastafiore · 22/11/2010 14:46

I agree Malificence - I can't see a grown man acting this way if there isn't some kind of emotional/physical draw towards someone.

If this was a woman it would be obvious but it being a man that is the friend I think you are somewhat blinded to what is happening.

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/11/2010 14:48

looks like there is way more to this.

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 14:48

Mal I gave him the option of shacking up with him six months ago and that's how we ended up in MC. To be honest I have lost all respect for him.
a) he listened to this man telling him to do things I would hate even if it made me angry

b)he comes into our house and leaves it messy for me to clean up and doesn't get told anything.

C)where he wants to go is priority over what we plan as a family to do

I dont want to feel resentful but I must admit I feel a very strong dislike for this guy.

OP posts:

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 14:51

To be honest DH earns a lot more than I do and he pays rent and I feel more like its his house than ours. If that makes sense. I live there with the kids but to be honest I used to get reminded a lot in the past that he was the one paying for the roof over my head.

OP posts:

spikeycow · 22/11/2010 14:55

I knew it. You know what, if he's not respecting you you have to demand respect, demand he fixes up and grows up. That's if you think he's worth it. A good man would never allow his mate to disrespect you.

MadamDeathstare · 22/11/2010 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 15:08

spikey he is a good man. Just one without many friends. Most of his friends have moved away from london. And he is a bit introverted so has not made any new ones.
I think I need to talk to him, the problem is am pregnant and a bit emotional and don't want to cry when I do it.(confused)

OP posts:

sixpercenttruejedi · 22/11/2010 15:09

It's a very odd situation. Refuse to let this man through the door. Your home should be a sanctuary for you and your family, and those that disrespect you should be booted out ASAP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/11/2010 15:15

How did your H and this new friend of his meet anyway?. Why is your H acting like his friend's muse?. This man has ridden roughshod over your whole family unit and your H has allowed this to happen.

He is not a good man if he is treating you this shabbily. You need and deserve honest answers particularly as you are pregnant again.

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 15:18

Sixp I could ask DH to tell him not to stay but I think we will still have the same problem. DH not having the guts to tell him. He would rather argue with me that tell him.
DH has to stop putting him first before us. Getting to that point is the problem. MC helped for six months but we are back again where we started.

OP posts:

MadameCastafiore · 22/11/2010 15:20

So why don't you stand up to this man and tell your husband that he is to respect what you say goes on in your house if your husband doesn't have the balls to stand up to this guy he is being manipulated and bulied or is having a relationship with him??

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 15:25

We organise workshops and he is one of the speakers. He comes to stay when there is an event. Maybe he is his muse...I don't know. I suspect its more of a self esteem problem than I initially thought. Maybe I could suggest therapy and see if it helps.

OP posts:

deepheat · 22/11/2010 15:33

Really surprised that a few people are jumping to the conclusion that this is more than a platonic relationship though (asusming that's what people are getting at).

It strikes me far more that your DH is simply living through his friend. Often we are attracted (either platonically or emotionally) to people who seem to offer something we don't have in our own lives. Could it be that this friend basically triggers some kind of mid-life crisis in your DH because of his confidence, nightlife, having it all blah blah blah?

That isn't to justify your DH's behaviour in any way. He is at an age where he should firstly ensure that you are his priority, and secondly have the balls to say no to this bloke (and tell him to clean up after himself) even if a part of him is yearning to get back the high life that he might have had a few years back. I'd have thought he could do this fairly easily by simply running plans past you first and sticking with them?

The bloke can be blamed for rudeness (leaving dirty takeaway stuff lying around for e.g.) but he can't be blamed for talking your DH into things - he's a grown man.

Tell your husband that you know he is a good man (assume this is true as you say it above, and most people are good really), which is why you are so hurt and surprised at his behaviour with this one friend. Explain how it makes you feel and why. Be clear about boundaries you expect your DH to observe next time he sees this friend. Explain that you want him to be sticking up for you, not the other way round, and that you are concerned that your DH is so wiolling to be friends with a man who is so disrespectful to his wife.

Its tempting to ask your DH to stop seeing this friend, but unless there actually is some kind of physical relationship (unlikely imo) then I don't think that's realistic. Just as your DH is old enough to be blamed for his behaviour, he is also old enough to choose his mates. I think you're well within yourr rights to let him know what you think about his choice though.

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 15:33

I don't want to talk to him about it Madame because I think DH brought him into our lives and has to deal with the problems that have resulted from it.
But I do get your point, he is coming to stay again next month. I will tell DH I don't want him to stay at ours. If he insists he stays then I will just have to tell him when he comes myself. Maybe I will be taken seriously then....knowing DH he will start an argument with me immediately. We have fallen out already about this, this weekend perhaps another massive fall out wont hurt

OP posts:

dittany · 22/11/2010 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 15:48

I think you hit the nail on the head deep.DH is a bit mournful of his disappearing youth and as much as he loves DD he is the only one of his friends who have actually settled down. And this has led to them disappearing over the years. I have tried to make friends with other couples from DDs' school etc but we are really busy and it might be a bit lonely for him sometimes. Perhaps he thinks he is missing out on something. I agree he is old enough to choose his friends, but letting friends treat me and DD like s**t is what I don't get.
Maybe its a phase and will pass. I will tell him tonight I don't want his friend to stay anymore and see how it goes.

OP posts:

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