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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I dont want dear husband's friend anywhere near me

66 replies

gysela · 22/11/2010 14:20

I have been hanging around for a while without actually posting, so this is my first post, sorry its a bit long.
Basically DH has a friend who is a bit of a pest...not to DH (he thinks the sun shines out of his backside)
Earlier this year, we ended up at marriage counselling because of the disrespectful way DH behaved when this guy was around. Basically he didn't come to my 30th and choose to go dancing with this guy instead. On another occasion his friend invited him to stay for a weekend and told him, I was going to be angry anyway whether he came or not and to just ignore my being angry.This is just a few of the things this person has done. I choose to forgive all this after MC, and agreed he could stay at our house.

We were supposed to go out as a family with him as it turns out DH said they always went to eat so he wanted to do something else. I suggested dancing which DH never says no to. Well his friend didnt want to go to that and wanted to watch a film instead. So DH tells me to book restaurant and go with kids, he will come later. From past experience involving this man I would have sat there alone with the kids fuming and they will either not come or come late. So i said I no and stayed home.I felt I had been manipulated by DH and that he knew he was not going to go for dinner anyway but agreed so I allowed his friend to stay.

On Sunday afternoon my DD brought me the takeaway containers DH's friend had eaten from and stuffed under the sofa since Thursday night, to say I am livid is an understatement.

DH doesnt have a lot of friends so I was happy for him to hang out with this guy, although I had concerns about him being immature the first time I met him. But over the time I've known him its just been gross disrespect all round when he is at our house. I am truly sick of it.

Any advice? Anyone been through this?

OP posts:

dittany · 22/11/2010 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 15:53

Dittany I suspect that's a big part of the problem. At the marriage counselling he promised not to let him stay at ours anymore, I on the other hand was supposed to forgive it all. When he asked me again if his friend could stay a couple of weeks ago, I honestly thought I had gotten over it. But some nasty things were said about me by this guy and I guess I was fooling myself when I thought I had forgiven him. Or perhaps if he had behaved differently this time then I would truly have been past it. As it stands its same script different times

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kettlechip · 22/11/2010 15:54

Me too, dittany. I could buy the rest, but your 30th should have been a pretty big deal.

I think the issue with this friend regardless of whether there's any more to the friendship, to quote Shirley Glass, is that he's simply not a "friend of your marriage."

If he were female, I imagine you'd be feeling extremely threatened and unsettled by now.

kettlechip · 22/11/2010 15:55

So what does your DH do when this guy slags you off? I think you're being incredibly tolerant even allowing him back into your home!

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 15:56

Didn't you say your dh was 43? His youth is long gone.:)
I think its only sinking in now. He spends ages in front of the mirror agonizing over his balding head :)

OP posts:

dittany · 22/11/2010 15:59

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 16:03

I agree he isn't a friend of our marriage. I am very easy to coerce and I should have anticipated this when DH went back on his word about allowing him to stay. I honestly thought it would be different - giving him the benefit of the doubt etc.
I started by saying to myself I want DH to be happy if this person makes him happy but we gone down a very slippery slope indeed :(

OP posts:

dittany · 22/11/2010 16:18

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Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 16:25

dittany, I do feel like a fool for believing him. We have always been able to talk through things and he has generally kept to his word. But there is a first time for everything. We need to have an honest chat about it i think but emotional am too bruised to even look at him. haven't said a word to him since saturday

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dittany · 22/11/2010 16:28

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 16:36

I doubt I cant trust anything he says in relation to his friend. But he has never done anything to make me mistrust him in the past. He is going to come back soon and I will try and talk to him about it. Will let you know if I get anyway. I am so scared of crying when I talk to him, but perhaps it doesn't matter. Its how I feel.....

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susiedaisy · 22/11/2010 16:39

Sorry but what first came into my mind is are they havin a relationship together, the second thought was, is this friend giving him a chance to do things in life that being a family man isnt, ie going out, dancing drinking movies etc.. does he feel like he missed out on those things when he was younger?? not many answers I'm afraid other than try to talk to him about it, when you are alone , not with kids in next room etc..

QuintessentialShadows · 22/11/2010 16:41

Honey, if your husband is 43 (middle aged, really) and he is the only one of his friends who have settled down and have a family, and he is putting his weird and disrespectful friend ahead of you and your family, then I think you DO have a quite a big problem.

Why do you think it is YOUR responsibility to keep your husband happy? What about YOU?

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 16:50

I don't think its my responsibility to keep him happy. Don't think I specifically said that. I said I wanted him to be happy. I like him happy cos he is a bit of a pain if he isn't as we all are. But I don't go out of my way to make him happy. With two DDs and a job that's too much responsibility for even me :)

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Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 16:55

Susie, I am very much aware that having a family is difficult so we have encouraged each other to do other things apart from family. I like studying so i chose to do a course two nights a week. He goes dancing sometimes but he has two free days at home and does a lot of things in his spare time. I allow him to do things outside of our marriage within reason (am not his mum after all). I agree we have to talk.

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Cookie26 · 22/11/2010 17:01

What were things like before this guy came onto the scene?

Original poster

gysela · 22/11/2010 17:26

We've hardly had any problems with friends before this guy came along. He was a bit mournful his friends dwindled and didn't want to meet anymore. But it didn't disrupt our lives. Maybe not having a lot of friends affects him more than I thought. He doesnt make friends as easily as I do and he has moaned about it a bit in the past. Nothing major.

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MadamDeathstare · 22/11/2010 20:14

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LittleMissHissyFit · 23/11/2010 00:15

MN intervention anyone?

bet we could have a few motivational words for his sorry arse....

AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 00:45

Nothing would give me greater pleasure

blinks · 23/11/2010 01:14

what a strange situation... very immature behaviour from both men involved.

do you think he might secretly enjoy this? he kind of has two people fighting over him which is quite an ego boost.

i personally would find it unacceptable to be so undermined by my partner but i can understand you trying to make things better while you're pregnant (even though in my opinion, that fact makes this worse)...

you could try an approach where if he mentions anything to do with this friend, you say very calmly that you don't wish to discuss him or anything about him. if asked why just ignore. if he asks can he stay a firm 'no and i don't want to discuss it. if he tries to engage you in an argument, simply walk away. you don't have to justify your hurt feelings to him or anyone else... this is your home, he disrespects it, therefore you. the end.

i get the feeling that your strength of feeling about this friend makes him all the more appealing for your DH. it's all a bit twisted.

EternalCynic · 23/11/2010 05:33

So let me get this straight...you are pregnant, carrying your husband's child, and he and this man expect you to act as his personal maid and clean up after him, whilst he is a guest in your home?! It's bad enough if you weren't pregnant, but my word what a nasty piece of work this person sounds. You have far more patience than me, I would have dragged him out by the ear already! I don't think that it will do anything positive for you if you get angry though, it will just give him further ammo to use against you when disparaging you to your husband who, sorry, sounds quite a weak individual. I think the thing to do is remain icy calm and go and stay with someone else for a while. Either that or change the locks and leave a note on the door suggesting it's his friend's turn to play host. To bring this man into your home, a place which should be a sanctuary for you and your children, in the full knowledge of how this man treats you, is disgusting. They are both treating you like you're their mother!

Baileysandice · 23/11/2010 05:34

The problem here as I see it isn't friend of DH, its attitude of DH to you and your marriage! At the end of the day he appears to want to lead the life of a single man, but he isn't a single man, he has a wife and kids. Aside from his attitude to you, frankly his attitude to kids stinks! I just think DHs' friend has the life DH wants. Your DH has to decide want he wants, although he seemed to have decided already. If you weren't pregnant frankly I would have told you to leav e this no hoper of a guy, he is acting like a twat!!!

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/11/2010 09:25

Actually EC, as much as I care for you, I'm going to disagree on a point or 2 here. Sitting and maintaining an icy calm is only enabling this behaviour., staying somewhere else is only avoiding it. None of this tackles the root cause of this, the blatant and disgusting disrespect the H is showing gysela. I can see parallels here with you EC, and tbh, the never mind, don't rile him attitude does not work, as well you know.

The actions are different to your situation, but the cause the same. Disrespect.

I think it is high time gysela does get angry.

To get protocol correct in this particular situation there are a couple of stages you can go through.

State firmly that there will be no pissing about, no buggering off drinking, dancing or generally letting YOU down. All arrangements will be made in concert with those made for the family. State this to BOTH of them actually, just so they are clear.

This disrespect, comments, takeaway rubbish has to stop, you are not a maid, you are the householder and any guest must treat you with respect.

If the above 2 are not immediately complied with, Guest Twat can F off to a hotel at his cost.

If H does not support you on this, he can piss off there too.

Should it get to that stage, make it abundantly clear that there are many speakers you can go to, and he will no longer be contracted.

See 4.

Line in the sand time gysela.

Make it clear that should he decide on this twattish course of action that you will be making an appointment with a solicitor the very next working day and he will find his arse divorced and an occupation order for the home.

MN intervention is in plan, we WILL come round and boot their sorry arses out into the cold.

Original poster

gysela · 23/11/2010 11:11

Thanks for all the kind words! I did talk to him last night. And he was initially angry and I did start crying because he wasnt listening.
He went out of the room and later came back to say it was his personality to please people and although didnt always like it he couldnt help it. (I felt a bit sorry for him!)
I however insisted I didnt want his friend to stay at ours anymore. He agreed and said he was tired of us arguing because of him. He also said he did not enjoy going out with him and was miserable the whole evening.
We have been here before though so am a bit wary! He will have to prove it to me in the following weeks though. Lets see how it goes

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