Husband being critical of my appearance and in general

[BranchingOut]

Just feeling a bit miserable because my husband has been unexpectedly critical of my appearance today.

I asked him to take a photo of me this morning ( I need it for work purposes) and made an off-the-cuff remark about never looking as good on camera as I do in the mirror. I am 35 and probably holding a mental image in my head of being about seven years younger! However, I don't think I am too bad: tall, size 10 on top, 12 on the bottom (one year after giving birth), wavy/curly/slightly frizzy hair and fairly good skin.

Somehow this seems to have opened up a wave of criticism which all came to a head on a walk this afternoon, including:

How I walk down the pavement eg. I tend to 'give way' to people slightly whereas he feels people should give way for him/us. This can make walks at the weekend rather stressful as I constantly feel as if I am somehow doing it wrong.

The coat I wear - when I am pushing the pram I often put on a ski jacket for practicality in the cold/damp, whereas he thinks I should wear my formal wool winter coat.

That I should take more care of my appearance

That I should make more effort

Why don't I wear makeup?

That I am a nasty, bitchy person - because I told a pavement promoter (who approached us in the middle of all this) that I didn't agree with them promoting that particular product (alcohol) in the street.

That I will end up like our previous next door neighbour - who was a frumpy and fairly bitter woman whom I feel fairly insulted to be compared to.

The thing that hurts is that I felt that I recently had been making more of an effort - I had a big wardrobe clear out a few weeks back and bought a few new items of clothing now that I am back to my pre-maternity size. I often wear skinny jeans, boots, moderately trendy tops. Last weekend I wore a nice skirt/boots combination on Saturday and a dress on Sunday - however he doesn't seem to remember or acknoweldge any of this and has this fixation with the bluddy coat!

Of course I fought back, told him how this was making me feel, that my confidence was at rock bottom after these remarks and that frankly, he was no oil painting himself. I told him that his top was faded, his coat was out of style and his shoes had seen better days. Anyway, it all blew up into a bit of a row so I came home early from our trip out and have more or less left him to it ever since. However, I did remind him that when he was overweight a few years back that I never once criticised him for it and thought he was perfect the way he was - I loved him as he were.

I am not sure what particular advice I need but appreciate the opportunity to vent a little.

If this is just a one-off, and he doesn't normally act like this I guess you can put it down to a bad day. You said to him exactly what I'd have done, tbh. I'd make it clear that you're not having this behaviour, it's mean and uncalled for, and has no place in a loving relationship.

What rings alarm bells for me is the pavement thing. A trivial issue, but just you feeling you're constantly wrong because you're not walking in the same way as him . That sounds like pretty controlling behaviour, tbh.

The coat thing and the walking issue have definitely cropped up before. I generally just laugh off his comments about the coat or tell him that i am not bothered.

WHat hurt my feelings were the more personal comments about appearance, effort, make-up etc.[hmmm]

Branchingout, I am sure that someone with good advice will come along, but just wanted to say that I would love to go for a walk with someone kind enough to give way to others on the pavement, and convictions strong enough to protest inappropriate public sales... You are not going to end up bitter, etc, you sound lovely.

I think if this is genuinely out of character, try and talk it over this evening before it festers. He needs to realise that he's hurt your feelings, and hopefully will then apologise for being such a dick today.

Did he wake up on the wrong side of bed!!!!
Or maybe he's feeling a little unconfident and wanted to bring someone else down to his level. Next time he wants a leg over turn him down and remind him that if he doesn't fill you with confidence your not gonna want to get your kit off and please him!

So he can dish it but he can't take it?

He is out of order to be criticising you like this, and you know this. It was actually a very detailed demolition job on your confidence that he accomplished. No wonder you are shaken.

I don't hold out hope of him being willing to listen to your pov about the criticism hurting you, mainly based on his comment that other people should be giving way to him on the pavement while out walking. He seems to think he deserves the right of way and is entitled to have others watch out for him while he doesn't have to bother about making them step out of their way (and you are letting him down by stepping aside for others, as well as bursting his little bubble of self importance by reminding him of the truth). He is on a massive ego trip if he really believes this, and nothing you say about your feelings will have an effect.

Here are some definitions, from this site that may help you see what he is doing:

Baiting & Picking Fights -
Baiting is the practice of generating a provocative action or statement for the purpose of obtaining an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another person.

Belittling, Condescending & Patronising -
Belittling, Condescending & Patronising Speech is a passive aggressive approach to giving someone a verbal put-down while maintaining a facade of friendliness.

Bullying -
Bullying is any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.

Entitlement -
Entitlement or a 'Sense of Entitlement' is an unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.

No, I disagree about the with-holding sex thing. I think you should shag him into a dumbfound stupour. He will then think you are the foxiest lady ever. Try it, it works. Unless he is abusive, in that case he is an ass.

Look at Cognitive Dissonance on that site too -- he has it in spades (have just reread your detail about telling the alcohol promoter, your response, and then his).

Giving way is something that women do and men don't--there's research to prove it. Likewise if you sit next to them on a bus etc men will insist on taking up as much space as possible, legs apart, whereas women will squeeze themselves into a smaller space to make room for the other person.
But what on earth is wrong with you being polite and thoughtful, anyway? And then he also criticises you for being nasty and bitchy?

Gawd, he sounds awful.

Is he cheating? They usually start to undermine you when they are trying to feel justified for being a cock.

P.s Don't change, you sound lovely just the way you are.

brilliant post, mathanxiety. I knew the pavement thing bothered me, but you've completely articulated why it should have done!

I think he is jealous and has no confidence in himself. The next time he tells you that you don't look good, tell him that he must have shit in his eyes because you are constantly being told how good you look.
Do not allow him to take away your self esteem

I'm truly amazed that he suggested you wear make-up - I have never in my life encountered a man who actually wanted his partner to wear it, except when they were aware that it made their partners feel good IYSWIM- the vast majority of men think women wear far too much IME.

I can't help feeling that something else is going on - possibly he's not happy, is having a few midlife crisis moments. Which is not a crime, but really I do think he needs someone to say 'This is not like you, why are you niggling away at me like some old besom over the fence?'

I won't comment on the pavement thing as I'm afraid i truly loathe people who won't give way on the pavement. But I don't have to like your husband, i'm not married to him.

What's nasty about this is, he is not trying to say 'Darling, thanks for my wonderful child, it has taken a toll on you and I want you to spend some money, pamper yourself and take it easy, what can I do to help?'

He is pulling you down, which is nasty and says loads about where his head is at.

I must say, I also wondered about an affair, perfumed life. Perhaps I have been on MN too much....

Thanks for the input.

We have had some rocky patches in the last six months or so - bouts of criticism from him, seeming not to want to be near me or physically affectionate towards me, being very quick to argue etc.

I thought we were in a better way until today.

I know it is a bit wierd but at times i have felt a bit jealous that his love seems to have transferred to our child. As if my biological purpose is done...

I have had some episodes of depression in the past and, honestly, by the time I got to our destination today, my confidence had shrunk so that I hardly felt as if I could look other people in the face.

I'm really sorry about this. You do really need to get some time alone and talk about this.

Has it only been like this recently, or was he critical before DC? Has anything changed since then? - is he down and taking it out on you?

How old is your child?

Thanks, he was a bit of a highly strung personality when he was in his late teens to early twenties - quite critical, sometimes bordering on arrogant, but he has mellowed hugely with time and is generally a loving, caring man.

He's being particularly cruel if he's doing this knowing that you've suffered depression in the past.

I'd be very alert to possible affair signs (not wishing to worry you, but the nastiness is such a common factor when someone else is involved, and part of the distancing behaviour synonymous with men having affairs) and possibly get some counselling for yourself, it sounds like you could benefit from working on your self esteem and your H clearly isn't willing or able to help there.

Well, we just discussed it.

I said that I felt that his comments were unhelpful and insensitive. He did talk through them with me, but did not see that he needed to apologise and said that he would 'take no interest' in future.

He then also made vague remarks about not knowing where we are with the relationship, so (having had these non-specific threats before) I said that in that case we either need to go to couples counselling, decide to part or find some other basis on which to live together, but that simply making threats was not fair.

I wouldn't want to be near a mna like this; let alone shag him. I have been on the recieving end of such comments. It's not right.Something's going on. Not necessarily cheating.

I am hugely bothered by this man, I hear alarm bells going off in my head.

Me too

What the hell does that mean? Doesn't know where we are? Where he is is married with a child and a wife who needs his support!

So does he threaten you often op? Hint that he could take off?

BranchingOut - Well done for sticking up for yourself. When you suggested counselling or parting etc, what did he say next ?