Husband being critical of my appearance and in general

[BranchingOut]

Just feeling a bit miserable because my husband has been unexpectedly critical of my appearance today.

I asked him to take a photo of me this morning ( I need it for work purposes) and made an off-the-cuff remark about never looking as good on camera as I do in the mirror. I am 35 and probably holding a mental image in my head of being about seven years younger! However, I don't think I am too bad: tall, size 10 on top, 12 on the bottom (one year after giving birth), wavy/curly/slightly frizzy hair and fairly good skin.

Somehow this seems to have opened up a wave of criticism which all came to a head on a walk this afternoon, including:

How I walk down the pavement eg. I tend to 'give way' to people slightly whereas he feels people should give way for him/us. This can make walks at the weekend rather stressful as I constantly feel as if I am somehow doing it wrong.

The coat I wear - when I am pushing the pram I often put on a ski jacket for practicality in the cold/damp, whereas he thinks I should wear my formal wool winter coat.

That I should take more care of my appearance

That I should make more effort

Why don't I wear makeup?

That I am a nasty, bitchy person - because I told a pavement promoter (who approached us in the middle of all this) that I didn't agree with them promoting that particular product (alcohol) in the street.

That I will end up like our previous next door neighbour - who was a frumpy and fairly bitter woman whom I feel fairly insulted to be compared to.

The thing that hurts is that I felt that I recently had been making more of an effort - I had a big wardrobe clear out a few weeks back and bought a few new items of clothing now that I am back to my pre-maternity size. I often wear skinny jeans, boots, moderately trendy tops. Last weekend I wore a nice skirt/boots combination on Saturday and a dress on Sunday - however he doesn't seem to remember or acknoweldge any of this and has this fixation with the bluddy coat!

Of course I fought back, told him how this was making me feel, that my confidence was at rock bottom after these remarks and that frankly, he was no oil painting himself. I told him that his top was faded, his coat was out of style and his shoes had seen better days. Anyway, it all blew up into a bit of a row so I came home early from our trip out and have more or less left him to it ever since. However, I did remind him that when he was overweight a few years back that I never once criticised him for it and thought he was perfect the way he was - I loved him as he were.

I am not sure what particular advice I need but appreciate the opportunity to vent a little.

i think maybe there needs to be a power shift. he obviously feels he has all the power and this probably has something to do with the fact that you have a child.

i thin you need to remind him that if he does leave or if he isn't willing to work at the relationship and you do part, that you won't forever be a sexless spinster. You will have a sexual partner.

BranchingOut, you sound lovely, good figure, good skin, wavy hair - better than poker straight any day.

Why the hell is he trying so hard to bring you down? what have you done to him? NOTHING!!

He sounds insecure, and to combat that he is destroying your self-esteem, because he can.

Listen young lady, you are great, you look good and clearly know your own mind, and have your own opinions.

You don't need to be with this plonker.

You need to lay it on the line that just because you have had his baby, he doesn't get to belittle you and trap you into submission.

Tell him it's his problem to sort out, and if he doesn't he can shove off.

Shockingly bad behaviour.

My dh would not dream of being so insensitive (nor me with him) and we have been through some very rough patches. Also, it's 2 yrs since I gave birth and he has NEVER once criticised my size 16 body, or greying hair, or spotty skin, or terrible dress sense. And he's no saint - just a regular bloke who accepts me the way I am.

He doesn't think he needs to apologise?

He seriously does.

on your behalf op.

'but did not see that he needed to apologise and said that he would 'take no interest' in future.'
This is his way of saying his foot in mouth episode was perfectly normal and an expression of his affection for you. He is also saying it's his way or nothing and telling you to F off with your feelings, that he will speak to you on his terms.

'He then also made vague remarks about not knowing where we are with the relationship... (having had these non-specific threats before)'
This is a threat of doing a disappearing act. He thinks you might be afraid of life on your own. He is saying 'put up with me warts and all or you'll lose me altogether.'

'I said that in that case we either need to go to couples counselling, decide to part or find some other basis on which to live together, but that simply making threats was not fair.'
WELL DONE. Repeat this the next time he launches into his criticism thing. Don't address anything specific he brings up, or engage him defensively ('You're ugly'/ 'I'm not') Or you can stonewall him either -- just say 'What?' and keep on repeating it if he starts up on the criticism. Or 'Sorry you feel that way', and a shrug.

wrt the makeup -- If you were in the habit of wearing lots of makeup he would tell you you wore too much. He doesn't actually care about the makeup. He just wants something to use to undermine your confidence.

God, that reminds me so much of XH, particularly the bit about telling you off for the good things you do (being polite to strangers, standing up for your principles etc). If it's any consolation, it's very likely that he is stepping it up now precisely because he has noticed you're getting your figure and confidence back, and is afraid you will realise you're too good for him and accept someone else's offer. (This is also insulting your loyalty of course!) Try not to let it get to you, as it isn't really about you, it's about his own insecurities.

I can't think of any better way of handling it than exactly how you did.

You approached him just right.

Crap of him to talk about "not knowing where we are with the relationship" but then refuse to engage further with discussing that. It's like he's trying to push you away.

Or he's taking out whatever unhappiness he is feeling on you.

It's not you, it's him

I hope you can put a stop to him chipping away at your confidence with these remarks. Long-term it could knock your self-esteem big time.

Thanks for your responses. Glad to hear that people feel that I have approached things well - I knew virtually nothing about relationships until I began reading another online forum years ago and my education has stepped up a notch since joining MN.

Bless you, Little Miss Hissy Fit for calling me 'young lady'. That definitely makes me feel better about my appearance!

He did not speak to me last night or this morning, so feel a bit 'bleh'.

My confidence levels are generally pretty good (I have held down a senior post in my previous profession and am just branching out into self employment - hence the user name!) but if I get an unexpected knock they plummet fairly rapidly. Yet being rational, I know that I am no classic beauty but I have lots of good points and have always attracted men when single or appearing to others to be single. Have some childcare today so working from home and a new work opportunity presenting itself has made me feel somewhat boosted again.

I did ask him if he felt he was being 'helpful' in some kind of misguided way, but he didn't take the bait.

Tempted to be wearing the bluddy coat when he gets home from work!

I am glad you sound strong in yourself. My H is ten years younger than me and has constantly made a point of this which has knocked my confidence alot.

That is mean to be critical of your age - what are you supposed to do, turn back the clock?

No. It's just an easy way to hurt a woman.

We can all be nasty and criticise someone else. If you were a mean person you could use the fact that your H is older than you. Problem is I have lost track of what is normal/acceptable/everyone occasionally says something not very nice to a partner. So I cannot really judge.

And when I met him I looked good for my age, good figure etc....

Thinking about it, it is not in my nature to criticise and insult other people. Problem is when you end up repeating that kind of behaviour yourself because.

because you are faced with it alot.

Your H reminds me of my ex and he was a cock too.

Sounds like you're handling it the best way, but at some point he's got to start seriously looking at changing his controlling, twattish behaviour. You being strong on your own isn't enough to fix things.

branching out-it's good you are aware. Shame I didn't know about mumsnet years ago.

And why should a woman have to be so strong against her own husband. That's what I feel but I have probably become over-sensitive.

gardenglory, she shouldn't have to. But in the circumstances, it's better than feeling weak.

But I don't think you're being oversensitive, a woman shouldn't have to battle her husband constantly for him just to treat her with basic respect and decency.

It is better than feeling weak - yes, but even that ends up being tiring in the end if you have to constantly do that. Hopefully, OP doesn't have that problem, and their relationship will be better.

I think I will leave you, OP, to others' wisdom, as I feel I have lost track of what is 'normal' in a relationship.

BranchingOut, you are a spritely 35. I am 42. I am entitled to call you Young Lady, because you are!!

GG, you are entitled to be on this thread, and TBH I think you ought to stick around. The advice here might help you in some way.

You are bang on right, we should not have to be strong against our own Hs! That is bonkers, but we have to when they are nasty little insecure men.

I have had the age thing hurled at me. Funny no-one would ever have said anything of the sort to him about Is your DW older than you? she looks it, (I'm not BTW) He bangs on and on and on about how many people tell him he looks good for his age, and the opposite for me.

I tell him now that the way I look is not for his benefit, and has nothing to do with him.

GG, you have not lost track of what normal is, every single one of your comments is bang on. Trust yourself, you are better than you are giving yourself credit for.

Hmm, wonder why that is?

Stop it! Take a breath and remind yourself of you, the wonderful you you were before you were worn down. I can still see her, you just need to look a little closer!

Being the Relationship Police is horrible. He has to take the responsibility upon himself to behave well. Otherwise none of it is worth it. And GG, unMNish (( )) to you.

It goes without saying that your actions about pavement etc are totally right, my initial reaction on reading your post is this:
a, Your husband is turning into a controlling, abusive arsehole.
b, He is comparing you with another female which he has specifically in mind. Not a random female- one that he has his eye on.

Neither are good.
I get this from just the one reading but it is my gut feeling about how he is behaving.

Please don't get hung up on your appearance, though, if I am right and it is 'a' behind his behaviour, I can assure you that you could look like Claudia Schiffer and he'd be critical.
If it is 'b' then again your looks wouldn't be important as such because, even if this woman is not as good looking as you, she will be new and exciting and forbidden fruit(by definition-NOT a slight on you. ) and that is what will matter.