Husband being critical of my appearance and in general

[BranchingOut]

Just feeling a bit miserable because my husband has been unexpectedly critical of my appearance today.

I asked him to take a photo of me this morning ( I need it for work purposes) and made an off-the-cuff remark about never looking as good on camera as I do in the mirror. I am 35 and probably holding a mental image in my head of being about seven years younger! However, I don't think I am too bad: tall, size 10 on top, 12 on the bottom (one year after giving birth), wavy/curly/slightly frizzy hair and fairly good skin.

Somehow this seems to have opened up a wave of criticism which all came to a head on a walk this afternoon, including:

How I walk down the pavement eg. I tend to 'give way' to people slightly whereas he feels people should give way for him/us. This can make walks at the weekend rather stressful as I constantly feel as if I am somehow doing it wrong.

The coat I wear - when I am pushing the pram I often put on a ski jacket for practicality in the cold/damp, whereas he thinks I should wear my formal wool winter coat.

That I should take more care of my appearance

That I should make more effort

Why don't I wear makeup?

That I am a nasty, bitchy person - because I told a pavement promoter (who approached us in the middle of all this) that I didn't agree with them promoting that particular product (alcohol) in the street.

That I will end up like our previous next door neighbour - who was a frumpy and fairly bitter woman whom I feel fairly insulted to be compared to.

The thing that hurts is that I felt that I recently had been making more of an effort - I had a big wardrobe clear out a few weeks back and bought a few new items of clothing now that I am back to my pre-maternity size. I often wear skinny jeans, boots, moderately trendy tops. Last weekend I wore a nice skirt/boots combination on Saturday and a dress on Sunday - however he doesn't seem to remember or acknoweldge any of this and has this fixation with the bluddy coat!

Of course I fought back, told him how this was making me feel, that my confidence was at rock bottom after these remarks and that frankly, he was no oil painting himself. I told him that his top was faded, his coat was out of style and his shoes had seen better days. Anyway, it all blew up into a bit of a row so I came home early from our trip out and have more or less left him to it ever since. However, I did remind him that when he was overweight a few years back that I never once criticised him for it and thought he was perfect the way he was - I loved him as he were.

I am not sure what particular advice I need but appreciate the opportunity to vent a little.

What struck me is the fact you said you've recently started making more effort with your appearance. My first thought was that this is scaring him, maybe putting you down and knocking your confidence is his way of keeping you with him?

An update - thanks for all the responses.

He came home yesterday looking a bit sheepish and pretty much immediately asked if we could make up. He didn't exactly say 'sorry' but said something along the lines of "I was just trying to be helpful". Not exactly that, but I don't want to put it word for word on MN.
I then told him that he had a rather funny way of showing it with all the things he had said! He then immediately began talking of someting else, which is that he had confirmation that day of a friend being diagnosed with a horrible and serious illness - so I think that had rather focused his mind on appreciating what we have.

I might bring it up again if an opportunity arises - to stress how hurtful these things he said really were - but otherwise let it go and just keep a firm eye out for any similar behaviour .

The moral of my story is:

Dress for yourselves, ladies, and don't give a damn, because lord knows what men think!

And how about 'no apology = not really all that sorry'?

(Sorry, but "I was just trying to be helpful" is bollocks).

I know, I don't really feel totally resolved. Maybe I also felt a bit of pressure to put it aside in the light of what is happening to our friend.

We have made up but are not truly reconciled if you see what I mean.

I also think it sounds like he is comparing you to someone else in his mind. Not necessarily that he's having an affair, but maybe he's got a bit of a crush on some woman who is always really polished or whatever. Think it's a bit weird of men to comment on what you wear unless, without being unkind, you make absolutely no effort and wander around in trainers and hoodies all the time, which you don't. Most men aren't really bothered about this coat vs that coat

BranchingOut, I know what you mean, and I think you are right to feel a bit guilted here too.

Hate to say I agree with Marantha and PamelaFlitton here too and for the reasons they have outlined.

This is not very nice at all for you.

He sounds like a right loon.

Tell him to fuck off.

For e.g. I think my DP is more interested in clothes and style type things than most men (in that he remembers different things in my wardrobe, has favourites, will buy clothes for me and they look nice etc), but he still wouldn't care what coat I wore. I don't think.

Re the make up thing, my DP thinks I don't wear any make up, but I do, it's just 'natural' make up. Tbh, if I didn't wear it I would look a bit crap

The coat, the makeup --- you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you had worn the other coat he would have torn that to shreds too. It's not the specific things you do that matter. It's the fact that you have a pulse and he can therefore hurt you. It's him, not anything specific you do, in other words.