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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So scared

68 replies

fedupandneedaholiday · 19/11/2010 14:47

I don't know what to do. DH and I had a horrible argument last night and he said he wanted me out the next day. We're renting and it's in his name only. I work part-time and also doing a uni course part-time, I have no money. I don't think I'll qualify for much in way of benefits though as I work 21 hours a week. All my money is going on nursery fees (my husband pays the bills, he earns more than me). I'm so scared I'll be homeless. I'd rather die than have to move into a flatshare and lose custody of my daughter (17 months), I just can't live with that. We live in London so even a flatshare would probably be too expensive for me. H says he has every right to stay in the flat and I have to move out. I don't know what anyone can do to help but I'm so terrified. I've had depression in the past, on ADs, and I'm scared my H will use that against me as well.

OP posts:
PamelaFlitton · 19/11/2010 14:49

You are married, right? I don't think he can just kick you out if you're married. He will have to give you money

mumblechum · 19/11/2010 14:51

You have a legal right to occupy under the Matrimonial Homes Act. He can't just throw you out and if he does physically force you out the door, go to the police. They'll get him out for a few days, long enough for you to get an occupation order (ouster injuction) against him under the Family Law Act.

Get an appointment pronto with a family lawyer. To find a local specialist, go to www.resolution.org.uk

Original poster
fedupandneedaholiday · 19/11/2010 14:58

Thank you mumblechum. Do you know how much it will cost to get a solicitor?

OP posts:
mumblechum · 19/11/2010 15:11

Most will give you a free half hour.

After that, London solicitors will charge around £200 per hour plus.

Ihave 2 suggestions:

  1. go onto the legal services commission website/eligibility calculator/legal help. Put your numbers in and it will tell you whether you qualify for public funding (legal aid). If so, a solicitor can make an emergency application for you.
  1. Women's Aid and similar organisations have staff who are trained in helping women in your situ apply to court without using a solicitor, and at little or no cost.

Good luck. I'm a family and wills lawyer and will check your thread later on & over the weekend to see if you need any more help.

Don't hesitate to contact the police if you feel that he's threatening to throw you out.

Mummiehunnie · 19/11/2010 15:18

I know someone who wanted to end her marriage her husband would not move out, this went on for over a year!

Have you spoken to the long parent adviser at job center, they may advise you as to what you are entitled to in the situation. the cab would be able to help you regards to making yourself purposefully homeless if you leave.

He would have to pay child support as he is the higher earner, he would have a right to stay in the home as you and your child do, your child has a right to have a relationship with both parents.

Do you claim the child benefit, if you do you then can get the ctc/wtc if you become a single parent!

I gather that you can get help with rental costs but I am not sure how that works, you do need to speak to the professionals.

I would hold off on solicitors for now, by all means go and get advice, once you instruct solicitors things can turn even nastier and the last thing your child needs is you both being hurt from seperation and then horrible court proceedings that go on for years sometimes, better to try and effectively communicate and speak to your oh as you would your child with compassion and kindness no matter how horrible he is for now, if it gets abusive forget it, contact women's aid!

Original poster
fedupandneedaholiday · 19/11/2010 21:03

Just talked to him. He says he definitely wants at least a trial separation. I'm so upset. I come from a broken home myself and never wanted this for my daughter. I can't bear the thought of being away from her. I don't know how I'll be able to tell friends and family, they'll be shocked. I've known things haven't been right for a long time but I still feel like someone's stabbed me. I don't know how to get through this.

OP posts:
JetLi · 19/11/2010 22:27

Is there someone you can stay with? Along with your daughter? Why do you think you will be separated from your daughter? So sorry this is happening to you Sad

CatPower · 19/11/2010 22:33

Whatever you do, do not leave your daughter with him. You don't ever have to leave her, and he cannot force you to leave without her. You need to get in contact with Women's Aid - they can organise some temporary accommodation at least, and will be able to put you in the direction of benefits help, legal advice and more permanent housing.

The most important thing is that you go nowhere without your daughter. If your H is so keen on a trial separation, why doesn't he be the one to leave (esp if he's earning so much more)?

jesuswhatnext · 19/11/2010 22:37

what catpower said! - you must not leave your daughter - he cannot take her from you!

NotANaturalGeordie · 19/11/2010 22:38

Please don't leave without your daughter. What may seem like a good idea for just a few days may then turn into weeks or months and once you have left her it may have long term implications for custody.

Myleetlepony · 19/11/2010 22:54

Take notice of what people are saying here and contact Womens Aid now. Keep strong.

colditz · 19/11/2010 22:59

Sweetheart, you won't go to a flatshare and lose your daughter, you will go into a hostel (with a bedroom for you and your daughter) where you will be welcome and you will KEEP your daughter. Ring Women's aid and they will tell you your next step. They will give you real practical advice. They are good poeple.

GypsyMoth · 19/11/2010 22:59

so op still has same rights with a rental as she would with a mortgaged place?

colditz · 19/11/2010 23:00

Don't leave without your daughter. it could be seen as leaving her in CUSTODY with him, and he will get to keep her. Leave WITH your daughter.

almostgrownup · 19/11/2010 23:08

Have just looked on the Shelter website and found the following:

"If you are married or in a registered civil partnership with someone who is the owner or tenant, you will have home rights. Having home rights means you can stay in the home. Unless either you or your partner have been excluded using an occupation order, you will both have the right to stay in the home. However, if you can't decide on who is going to stay in the home in the short term, you may be able to apply for an occupation order to enforce your short-term rights to stay or return to the home, or to keep your partner out. If you can't decide who will stay in the home in the long term, then you may have to ask the courts to decide."

So, if you are married, and your husband's name is on the tenancy agreement, he has no right to throw you out.

And do not allow yourself to be separated from your daughter. He is bullying you. Do not believe everything he says.

ShanahansRevenge · 19/11/2010 23:08

Yes....OP has rights in a rental and she would have the same rights even if they were not married.

She can ask him to leave and if he won't then she can stay put until the council can re-home her...she will be priority I should think.

OP don't worry...you won't lose custody...your daughter is better off with you alone if the marriage is not working...DON'T LEAVE without your child.

As well as womens aid, Shelter can help you...I hope things calm down for you soon.

x

mathanxiety · 20/11/2010 00:35

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR DAUGHTER THERE WITH HIM FOR EVEN ONE NIGHT, EVEN IF THE TWO OF YOU SLEEP ON A PARK BENCH

And do everything Mumblechum said.

My guess is he has someone else to fill your shoes. He doesn't care about your DD or about you. Just wants to bully you out of the way.

And please, please, tell your friends and your family about what is going on. People may gulp and their jaws will drop, but your friends and family will offer real help and real love to you and your DD. Tell them, and soon. Take a deep breath and send out a mass e-mail or text.

matthew2002smum · 20/11/2010 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anabellesmumanddad · 20/11/2010 01:59

No decent man would kick his kids mum and his kid out of the house with such short notice without supporting them through the process. I agree with Matthewsmum, Sounds like more to the story... Definitely get some legal advice and I am really sorry this happened to you.

But don't worry about what other people will think and say. The most important thing is looking after your dc, people will respect that. They will judge him more harshly than you if he just tries to kick you out like this.

Relationships break up all the time so it's very common. Sharing accommodation with other single woman with kids can be a great solution for the short to- medium term.

good luck!

Original poster
fedupandneedaholiday · 20/11/2010 11:02

Thank you everyone for your input. I had a look at the Women's Aid website but is it not just for domestic abuse victims? I can't bear to think about living in a hostel with my daughter while H lives in this nice flat in central London. I also don't have any friends that have a spare room or anything where i could stay. But whatever happens you're right, I'm not going to leave my daughter behind.

After last night's talk H seems to understand that I can't move out just like that, I told him that I need a few months to save money. There's a horrible atmosphere between us now, he's basically ignoring me and he seems to despise me. I just can't see any kind of future for myself. I keep thinking I'll do anything to stay in this relationship, even if it means tolerating his shouting and sometimes intimidating and aggressive behaviour (he has never hit me but sometimes when he's in a bad mood and he's angry at me he gives me orders and calls me horrible things, like 'whore.'

Two nights ago I lost it completely when he started getting aggressive in the middle of the night after ordering me to stay up with our daughter who kept waking up (he refused to get up himself). Having been up twice already that night for about 1/2 each time, I waited for about 5 minutes before going to her the third time. He then stormed into her room started waiving his finger in my face and talking at me in a threatening and extremely aggressive way, calling me a whore and so on because I had let her cry for 5 minutes. I'm not proud to say that I lost my temper and started hitting him as he wouldn't leave me alone and kept shouting at me and our daughter was getting very upset. He's much bigger and stronger than me but I know there's no excuse and I did wrong but I lost it because of the unfairness of it
all.

I will probably get flamed for this now but I had to tell someone. I can't talk to anyone in RL, everyone seems so busy at the moment and anyway there's nothing anyone can do. I wish I didn't exist.

OP posts:
tummysgottogo · 20/11/2010 11:10

Your daughter is glad you exist. She needs you. It sounds like a very difficult situation but you are strong enough to deal with it AND walk away with your head held high. Keep seeking advice about your legal position and look forward to your future. Best of luck.

Doigthebountyeater · 20/11/2010 11:21

Stay strong. Your daughter needs you. Good luck.

mumonthenet · 20/11/2010 13:03

Listen, you will not get flamed here. It is clear to everyone that your H was, and is, Abusive. To leave a child crying for five minutes to see if she will get herself back to sleep is completely normal. To hit out at him when he was threatening and aggressive is completely normal.

You are being Abused. Many people still mistakenly believe that Domestic Abuse is only physical.

This page is from the Womensaid site

This is from the same page....

Question: My husband has never hit me ? but often shouts at me and calls me awful names. Is this abuse?

Answer: Yes, what you?re describing is domestic abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse are both classed as domestic violence. This behaviour is not acceptable and you don?t have to put up with it.

Original poster
fedupandneedaholiday · 20/11/2010 13:18

But mumonthenet, he's accusing me of domestic abuse, saying that if he had done the same to me the police would've gotten involved. I know what I did was wrong but I also know he's sometimes a bully. A few weeks ago he flew into a rage because our daughter wouldn't settle at night and I brought her into our bed. He shouted at me and made me put her back in her bed and I slept on the floor next to her and he came in and threatened me, using abusive language at least twice that night and this continued in the morning. He never apologised and won't acknowledge that he overreacted.

OP posts:
CatPower · 20/11/2010 14:00

He isn't someone you can reason with, his word is law and his behaviour is always justified.

In his own head.

To any other rational person, his behaviour is disgusting and is abuse. Can you take DD out for a walk, and give Women's Aid a call when you're out? Their number is 0808 2000 247 - it's a freephone number and whoever you speak to there will be able to reassure you and provide you with vocal support.

Your H isn't going to change. In fact, his behaviour is likely to get worse the longer you remain in the flat, and sooner or later your DD will pick up on the bad atmosphere and his abusive language to you. Please, speak to Women's Aid and close family. What about your parents, are you in touch with them? Could you stay with them, even just for a few nights while you sort out more long-term accommodation? Do you have any siblings, cousins, anything?

I hope this hasn't come across as naggy - that's the last thing you need just now. You'll find so much support here, I really hope you're able to find some in "real life" too.