So scared

[fedupandneedaholiday]

I don't know what to do. DH and I had a horrible argument last night and he said he wanted me out the next day. We're renting and it's in his name only. I work part-time and also doing a uni course part-time, I have no money. I don't think I'll qualify for much in way of benefits though as I work 21 hours a week. All my money is going on nursery fees (my husband pays the bills, he earns more than me). I'm so scared I'll be homeless. I'd rather die than have to move into a flatshare and lose custody of my daughter (17 months), I just can't live with that. We live in London so even a flatshare would probably be too expensive for me. H says he has every right to stay in the flat and I have to move out. I don't know what anyone can do to help but I'm so terrified. I've had depression in the past, on ADs, and I'm scared my H will use that against me as well.

Here's the NPD thread There are lots of really good links on this thread that you could read.

I'm so shocked, I don't know where to start.

He insisted on sex. That sounds you weren't really on board, but went along with it anyway, perhaps out of fear? A nice policeman once told me that if you are too scared to say no, so you just let them get on with it, it's still rape.

Please get some help, and get yourself and your daughter out of there. I would also strongly advise speaking to your friends and/or family about what's going on. It sounds like you need someone to you help keeps things in perspective. It will not be so easy for him to twist things round and make you doubt yourself if you have someone keeping you in touch with reality.

It's surprising how many mental health workers go into the job to 'sort other people out' instead of dealing with their own problems. I must reiterate what I have said before - please get yourself and your daughter out of there.
Thinking of you both x

I think there's a God complex at play, BookcaseFull.

Sending you good wishes Fedup. Hope you had a good night.

Fedup - when my daughter was six days old my H came at me when she was crying in an aggresive manner telling me if I didn't learn to look after her he would send her away and I would never see her again.

It never got any better.

Your posts remind me of our relationship, he had all the money aswell.

I got out of it by default as he passed away and my only regret is that I wish I had left years ago.

Please get help

Fedup, this man is doing his best to tell you exactly who he is and how he feels about you.

Please believe what he is expressing, and make plans to leave.

(The Lone Parents topic is a great resource for moral support and real, practical help. I also wonder if you could go to your college, maybe your Dean if there is one, and talk with him or her about your situation, your financial options, etc. Most colleges offer a counselling service for students. Some have noticeboards with accommodation ads etc., too. But you really, really need to call Women's Aid)

Wishing you courage and strength.

It's unfornately quite common for 'respected' mental health professionals to be abusers (this is not to denigrate the professions, which of course contains loads of brilliant, dedicated people doing their best for their clients). It's a profession that sometimes attracts people who like the idea of having power over others.
Your H is horrible. Women's Aid, the police DV unit and your friends and family will believe you, will listen, will help - there is a fairly good chance you can get him removed from the house as it is your DD's home and the courts will accept that she has a right to live there with her mum, safe from abuse.

Very good point there SGB about it being the child's home.

I should probably mention that DH's dad used to be abusive when DH was little, there was physical violence. You'd never suspect it today though - he's still married to DH's mum and they're two of the loveliest, most gentle people I've ever met and he's expressed regret on numerous occasions about what he was like before. Somehow they worked through it and I guess I still have some hope left that DH will change too. But at the same time I have listened to all of you (even though it might seem like I haven't) and for the first time I'm starting to think that if it doesn't get better soon I might, just might be able to survive without him. I'll keep on lurking in the Lone Parents section.

fedup, I remember my gp asking me if my exh was abusing me I said no, that was what I thought at the time, I have come to realise how abusive the relationship was...

I also had no idea what had trained me and him up for that type of relationship for a long time either...

I agree there are a lot of people out there who help others for their own needs, and that would apply to people on this site, mental health professionals etc... some of those people will be benign and some will be hostile

Seeing your gp for help with getting counselling would be a good start, and working with wa to get the strength to protect yourself and your child from the relationship you have created is the way to go!

I hope you are listening to the advice here, and trying to look for escape routes; this sounds like an awful situation - especially as you are now questioning your own thoughts and views about what is happening to you (ie considering that maybe it IS you) (if it were and if he cared surely you'd both be looking for help together??).
And it doesn't sound like it's you - by the way.
Think - what is your child learning by being in this environment - and what is it doing to you.
My thoughts are with you; take care.

I'm so touched by all of your thoughts and good wishes. I AM listening to your advice. I only wish there was a kind of divorce support group somewhere in London so I could talk to people who've gone through similar things face-to-face and get the strength to take action. Does anyone know if anything like this exists?

Divorce is such a huge step, I never quite realised how much emotional and financial pressure is involved before I seriously started to consider it. Like me, my H loves our DD more than anything else in the world and he would insist on having her for at least half the week. I don't know how I would survive those nights without her, I know I would slip back into depression again. He's extremely against the idea that women should have any more rights than men post-divorce, whether it's about money or custody rights. And I really want to avoid going down the court battle route as things would no doubt turn nasty.

Keep a diary (somewhere safe) of his abuse of you while you are plotting your escape. Once you're out, tell your friends, log everything, every nasty text or email, whatever, and tell your solicitor/WOmen's Aid everything, as well. Whatever he thinks about 'fathers' rights', abusive men forfeit a lot of those rights in cases of proven abuse; the courts prioritise the rights of the child - first to live free from the abuser's violence and second, to have a relationship with the father that benefits the child.

There are loads of divorce support groups in London Here's one for starters. Google divorce support groups London.

But divorce is a huge leap. Emotional distance is the first step you will need to take, and regaining a sense of YOURSELF. When you've regained strength you'll be able for it. Cross each bridge when you come to it.

You may well find that most of your H's talk is just bluster. Mine used to threaten me with divorcing me and taking the children -- guess who sees the children every second weekend? Keep a diary as SGB says. Your DD has rights that the courts must put first. The arrangement you come up with must be in the best interests of the child despite what your H says and no matter what he thinks he is entitled to.

If your H loved your DD, he would treat you well. You cannot be an abusive H and a loving father at the same time.

Please take this one step at a time. When you are stronger you will be able for whatever he throws at you. Go and talk to your CAB and have a chat with a solicitor for a free half hour maybe someone on the Lone Parents topic could direct you to one in London. Small steps there's no leap in the dark here.

One important small step is calling Women's Aid and not trying to minimise what you're experiencing when you talk to them. You may need to call a few times before you get through. Keep trying.

How is everything going fedup?

Sorry for the lack of update. It's probably a good thing that I'm so busy with work, studies etc. I'd probably collapse if I spent too much time thinking about what's going on at home. I've decided I want to get through Christmas before making any decisions. I will keep a diary like Sparkling and a couple of other suggested, at least so that I don't start doubting myself after any incidents. Thank you so much for all your kind words and advice, you have helped so much already and I'm feeling stronger than I did a week ago.

'He has the money and he has the flat'?

No he doesn't.

If you were able to arrange a free half hour of legal advice and get legal aid (as suggested previously), you would be able to get an occupation order - the police would make him leave. He would be prevented from coming back to the property at all.

This is because it's not HIS flat, or even YOURS. First and foremost, the law will consider your daughter's right to live in her home and have security. Who cares for her, you or your H? That's right - YOU. So you would stay with her, and he would be made to live elsewhere. Go and see a solicitor for a free half hour, and read up on this too.

Secondly - no, it's not his money! If you do divorce, the reality of this will hit him very hard! It's FAMILY money, and he would have to provide for his daughter - which would mean paying you maintenance. Yes, he may make this difficult... if he does, well, lots of people on here have managed through that scenario. I've not heard one of them say they'd rather still be in the abusive home. You already have a job, so you're on the first rung of the ladder towards providing for you and your daughter through (I hope) the long and happy future that lies around the corner for you both.

And as for fearing being without your daughter? Well, from what you've said he is a classic in this regard with his threats of 'taking' her. But your posts make it clear that he doesn't really want to be bothered with CARING for her. Getting up in the night, having his routine (Sundays spent reading - park? oh no, don't want to...) disrupted. It's overwhelmingly likely that he will want to see her, but not do the hard stuff like have her overnight, no matter WHAT he says. Your story shows that he is most certainly a very very poor father right now.

Because he is a bully and curently shouting the loudest here, you've been threatened into thinking that he has the power. He really, really doesn't. PLEASE go to WA. You most certainly are a victim of domestic violence, and so is your daughter. Phone the Met Police too and have a chat. WA will give you all the advice you've received here, in more detail, and like so many women before you you will realise that he is NOT in charge of this situation. I have a very good friend right now doing the same. Her nasty little bully of a husband is currently getting some of the biggest shocks of his life, and the look on the face of my friend as she really begins to realise that with the law and her friends behind her she can control her own life and make things better for her children is priceless.

Good luck with your first steps towards a happy, fulfilling future x

Fedup -- every word of TheBeefyDwt's post is absolutely true. Please read it and read it and read it and let it sink in.

And please go to Women's Aid and the Police. Speak to the domestic violence officer in your local station.