So scared

[fedupandneedaholiday]

I don't know what to do. DH and I had a horrible argument last night and he said he wanted me out the next day. We're renting and it's in his name only. I work part-time and also doing a uni course part-time, I have no money. I don't think I'll qualify for much in way of benefits though as I work 21 hours a week. All my money is going on nursery fees (my husband pays the bills, he earns more than me). I'm so scared I'll be homeless. I'd rather die than have to move into a flatshare and lose custody of my daughter (17 months), I just can't live with that. We live in London so even a flatshare would probably be too expensive for me. H says he has every right to stay in the flat and I have to move out. I don't know what anyone can do to help but I'm so terrified. I've had depression in the past, on ADs, and I'm scared my H will use that against me as well.

He can't just put you out. What a fucking wanker.

I second mumblechum's suggestions. PLEASE listen to her.

He is abusive.

My guess is he has someone else, too, and wants to bully you out and not pay, which he can't do.

FEDUP -

WHAT YOU'RE EXPERIENCING IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

YOU NEED TO GO TO WOMEN'S AID.

YOU NEED TO TALK TO THEM.

YOU NEED TO DO IT ASAP.

Didn't mean to shout, but maybe it's appropriate.

What you're experiencing is horrible abuse. Your friends and family care. Yes, people are busy, but you will find they have time for you, because this is a really big problem. Please tell friends and family.

Don't 'check out' of this situation. Your DD needs you. She needs the help of your friends and your family. Please do it for her. They will not refuse your plea for help.

Yes it is galling to envision seeing him living large in the flat while you live in a hostel. But this is not about the four walls around you or the roof over your head. It is whether those four walls are a true home to you and to your DD, where you are safe from abuse, and where she is safe from the rage and the anger.

Don't let him turn this on you. The fact that he was calling you a 'whore' is unacceptable and yes, it's abuse.

I am worried for you because it sounds like it's escalating??

Please get in touch with Womensaid.

These problems will affect your daughters behaviour giving him more fuel for his anger. It really sounds like you need to separate from as soon as you can and maybe you can get legal support to make him leave...

I don't have much time now but as you're in London why not read the Met Police site page

This is from that page...

"It's not always easy to know if what has happened to you is a crime. What if your partner bullies or intimidates you at home? Or do they have to hurt you before it becomes a crime? If you're not sure, please ask us. It's our job to help you identify what's happened and make sure that appropriate action is taken"

There is a non-emergency number you can call for information.

You won't have to make a statement or anything. If you tell them what has been happening you will be amazed to find that what he's been doing is called Abuse.

The fact that you hit out at him in frustration is not even relevant. He is messing with your head - so that you doubt your own judgement.

Get help, please fedup. What's happening to you is Domestic Violence and is not your fault. LISTEN TO US! Also, be careful, cover your tracks and take care.

FedUp, How are you today?

Thank you everyone for your kind advice. I've been doing so much thinking today that it's as if my head is about to explode. I feel trapped; torn between thinking 'is this what my life will be like and is it worth all the compromises I will have to make?' and wanting to do what's best for my daughter.

I posted on here about a year ago and was quite open about what was going on in my relationship and there were so many replies from people who were horrified, saying it was emotional abuse and urged me to leave him and it left me in a state of panic because it shattered my illusion of being able to have a decent relationship.

I just don't know what to do. He has a way of talking to me after these arguments that makes me doubt myself.

One thing that causes arguments is that he doesn't do much around the house. For the last two nights I've been up with my daughter who can't sleep because of an ear infection (found out on Friday). This morning I got up at 6 and played with her most of the day, did all the housework and cooking while H slept until 9 and then sat reading the papers and watching telly for the rest of the day, sometimes playing with our daughter. Same thing yesterday. I asked if I could go to the library for an hour during the day (he said ok), then in the evening I asked if it was ok for me to go swimming for an hour and he got annoyed but eventually said ok although sulking. Earlier today he was supposed to take our DD to the park but changed his mind because he couldn't be bothered. He is generally a good dad though but I feel like I'm giving a lot and not getting much back. Although if/when I raise this with him I nearly always get ans answer along the lines of 'well if you want an equal relationship why don't you start paying half the bills?' The thing is that I'm working part-time and pay nearly £600 in nursery fees each month, I'm already overdrawn and he earns more than me.

Anyway, sorry this is so long, I don't even know where I'm going with this but it's like everything's on his terms because he has the money and the flat and therefore the power to end the relationship with very little to lose and so I feel I have to be so careful all the time. Despite all the comments here I'm still not at all convinced it's domestic abuse, although after I hit out at him the other night he came chasing after me when I tried to get away with his fists in the air shouting he was going to hit me (he didn't but I was terrified nonetheless).

Someone (sorry I forgot who) suggested that I move into a house with another single parent and child and it's something I've thought about before. But how would I go about finding someone like that? I can't just advertise on Gumtree, it would seem weird I think?

I know you're not convinced this is abuse but it absolutely is. Please please get help. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. She will be picking up on the atmosphere in the home and learning that this is the appropriate way for men to treat women. Be a strong, positive example to her and don't let him treat you this way.
Take good care x

Fedup you are doing a huge amount of compromising right now. When you talk of compromising, I think you're talking about the flat, your living quarters.

But you're not seeing the devastation that this relationship, this emotional environment, is having on you.

WRT the 'equal relationship' -- this is very far from being an equal relationship. Equality has nothing to do with money. It's about mutual respect. Does he insist that you ask him to go to the library or to go swimming? Does he ask you for permission to go out when he wants to? I think the answer is probably no, as he unilaterally decided not to go to the park with the DD without talking about whether this would inconvenience you.

Advertise in Gumtree and even put up a notice in the DD's nursery if you can. It's not weird. But I think you should go to Women's Aid and get help from them.

He may well have the flat, but you have rights to the flat too and to live there, and he cannot use the flat to end the relationship.

And really, it IS domestic abuse. PLEASE, PLEASE go to Women's Aid. You will be no use to your DD if he succeeds in injuring you, putting yo in the hospital.

He has nothing to lose true, except his wife and DD? PLEASE stop looking at this situation from the pov of losing the flat. PLEASE.

If he cared about you at all he would treat you well, and would not be running after you with his fists clenched threatening to hit you. This relationship is not worth caring about. You are getting nothing out of it that is truly good for you and neither is your DD.

(BTW, he is a crap father. A really crap father. There is nothing in your posts to suggest he has any redeeming qualities in this area. Your DD will be terrified of him as she grows up if she isn't already.)

Read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You will see your H in the pages; not a pretty sight, and you will see that he is the one who has no hope of having a good relationship, with anyone. There is no cure for what he has, and it is poison to any relationship.

You on the other hand, can go on and possibly enjoy a lovely and fulfilling relationship with some nice, decent someone, the kind of good, healthy relationship you deserve.

Sorry to post again but I'm very worried about you and especially your little girl. As someone who witnessed the emotional abuse of my mother, I used to wish she had taken up the offer of a hostel rather than have to witness her being treated so badly.

I am worried too. Please call Women's Aid.

The flat is not worth it. The relationship is not worth it.

Swallow your pride, banish the malignant optimism that keeps you hoping against all evidence that you can salvage the flat and the relationship here, and call WA and call your friends and family. You can call WA just for a chat, you don't have to show up with all your possessions in three plastic bags. Maybe you could print out this thread and ask them what they think if talking is too daunting.

It is hard and humiliating sometimes to admit you've gone as far as you can go with someone, but in this case, your pride may well be getting in the way of your best interests and those of your DD.

Hes a nasty abusive bastard and he,ll get worse given the opportunity. Hes also abusing your daughter by having her witness these things , please dont tell yourself hes a good dad, hes not.

Be mindful of him goading you like he did. Many men will push and push and eventually ( and understandably ) you,ll eventually snap . They can then justify hitting you , , or have you arressted. Mine did both.

Forget this nonsense about leaving your daughter behind , can you really see him getting up with her and everything else ? Its just a threat to keep you complicit in what hes doing.

You need a plan , and quickly , as it will escalate .
Phone womens aid , they have lots of local centres , who can give you free legal advice.
Dont forget youll get tax credits , probably help with childcare , and maintenance too . If hes tight , and they usually are , youll probably be better off .

Forget the flat , theyll be other flats. I used to have a loveley home pushing half a million quid , fab holidays and a decent car . I live on less than a fifth of what i used to and paid a hundred and fifty quid for my old banger . But i dont give a shit , im happy , the dcs are happy , and id never go back.

Phone womens aid and get some legal advice , and dont forget , if he starts being aggressive you can ring the police who will remove him. You need to stop this or your daughter is likeley to marry someone just like him.

fedup He is a horrible abusive bully.

And if the idea of sharing a flat with a single mum appeals to you, there's another reason to call Women's Aid. If you do get placed in a hostel, there will be other mums in your position and you might make a friend with whom you can start to forge a new beginning.

I know that it sometimes seems easiest to put up and shut up, but you know when you do that, the only one who wins is your DH. You end up feeling worthless and your DD will grow up in an home full of bad feeling and skewed role models. It is NOT what is best for her.

Pick Up The Phone. Please

there's nothing wrong with hostels either. The word "hostel" conjours up dank, dark, small rooms with smelly beds and no carpets. They're not like that. At all. It's more like a house with lots of people sharing. A shared kitchen, a lounge room, a quiet room usually. Access to a pc and tv, games for kids .... a bit like student halls, just to put a more positive spin on it.

I have only just read all the posts and wondered how you were doing and to say I am thinking about you even though I do not know you.

Someone said earlier they witnessed their mum being emotionally abused when she was a child, I did too, both physically and emotionally. When she left when I was ten I was elated. She went back but finally left for good eight years after. She felt she wanted us to live in a good house, have a good education and yet all we wanted was to see her happy ans for him to stop.

It seems to me that it doesnt have to be this way. I know exactly how hard beig a single mum can be but if you are able to find/borrow a deposit you could rent somewhere lovely for you and your daughter, apply for housing benefit etc You can rent privately. I dont know, it just sounds like you are having such a hard time at the moment and need emotional quiet in order to be able to work out what you are doing with your daughter...if you were somewhere where you could try and have her in bed with you, or try the controlled crying technique without him looking over your shoulder and shouting. It must be hard to know which way is up? I found Gingerbread quite useful for advise. Take care.

Hope you're okay this morning x

fedup - he has been telling you he wants you to leave and he stays in the flat. Has he said he wants to start divorce proceedings yet?

Is this the first time he has said this - or does he repeat this behaviour quite often?

I just had a look at the 'Lone Parents' section here on MN and found a thread for single parents looking for houseshares with other single parents. I might look into it.

As fot the situation at the moment, DH insisted on sex last night and this morning he kissed me goodbye before going to work so it looks like he's at least postponed his plans to divorce me. Gardenglory, this is the first time he's said he wants a divorce (or trial separation) and he's the kind of person who doesn't make empty threats - when he says something he means it. Someone else suggested that he might be having an affair. I know he isn't - when he's not working he's at home, goes out maybe one or two nights a week and more to the point he's just not the "type" to have affairs, he's loyal and reliable in that sense, I'll give him credit for that.

I'm just so worried about making the decision to leave DH and move out, only to find out that I can't afford it in the end. The thing is that I'm doing a part-time MSc course, something I've wanted to do for years and which will imrpove my career prospects. I don't want to give it up, not only because I enjoy it but also because although it costs money I know it'll be a worthwhile investment once I've finished. But it means that I can't work full-time and at the moment my salary's only around £15K. And with the tories' cuts there are no guarantees for anything anymore.

Mathanxiety thank you for the book recommendation, I will try and read it although how I'll manage to keep the title hidden from DH I don't know...

Also just wanted to say thank you to Bookcasefullofbooks and triedntested and everyone else who've been so kind and offered advice.

oh Fedup he 'insisted' on sex last night???

This is NO WAY to live...

Who does this guy think he is ? He doesnt get to "insist " on sex. Id like to whoop his butt for you

Do you love him fedup?
It seems that something is preventing you from seeing him for what he is.

Bookcase I don't think I do anymore. But as I said, he has a way of making me think he's right and there must be something wrong with me. For example, often when we argue and I try to tell him he's being unreasonable/unfair etc, he gets really annoyed with what he sees as my tendency to make myself seem like a victim all the time. Another thing is, and I'm hesitating to say this as I'm worried that people I know might recognise me, that he's a mental health professional (with years of training and experience) and it obviously makes me think that he can't be completely deluded. Plus he's a few years older than me (I know it doesn't necessarily make him wiser but still).

"DH insisted on sex last night and this morning he kissed me goodbye before going to work so it looks like he's at least postponed his plans to divorce me."

Fedup Are you saying this is a good thing? Where are you in all this? You are not a household pet whom he may or may not decide to 'rehome'. To 'insist' on sex is shocking.

Please look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder here, plus Borderline, and Histrionic too. (They're all a cluster anyway). And take a look at the NPD support thread here on MN. Both are long reads, but you will understand why you are getting the feeling you are being held upside down and living in a world of funhouse mirrors.