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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I refused to have sex with dh because I just couldnt be arsed..

73 replies

Poshmina · 19/11/2010 10:10

Is this really really bad??

I usually go along with it even if I am not in the mood, as I always believed that it wasnt fair to say no, and that if you said no, then resentment would build and that its just, well a Bad Thing to refuse.

But last night at 11.45pm he started cuddling up to me in bed (only cuddled me when he wants sex) and was trying to cajole me into a quickie.

But I just wasnt in the mood. Nothing sinister, not pissed poff with him or anything, no ISHOOS, I just Couldnt Be Arsed. I was tired, and wanted to get a good nights sleep as getting up with 5 kids in the morning, 4 to get to school and then hosting a 6 year old birthday party in the afternoon, and all i wanted to do was sleep sleep sleep.

I suggested we do it tonight instead, but then he reminded me he wouldnt he about as he goes out on a fri night with his mates and I am usually asleep by time he gets home round 1am.

He wasnt huffy about it or anything, just a bit doleful, he tried for about 5 mins and then gave up.

Am I a BAD wife? Thing is, after being on Mnet for the last year i am now beginning to see that sex has to be about ME too, about MY arousal and my needs and that I cannot just switch it on and switch it off, nor be expected to, and the an understanding partner should be ok with that.

And I think that my dh is, I just cant help feeling bad. Sad

Am I a sap?

OP posts:
Original poster
Poshmina · 19/11/2010 10:10

Only cuddles me when he wants sex, that shoud be!

OP posts:
reggiechase · 19/11/2010 10:12

If youve really been on MN for a year you already know the answer.

CheeseandGherkins · 19/11/2010 10:12

Well he doesn't have to go out with his mates tonight does he? It's not compulsary so he's making his choices too.

If I only got cuddles when DH wanted sex I would feel quite put out. Sounds like it's all about him.

Dumbledoresgirl · 19/11/2010 10:13

If this is the first time after 5 children that you have said no to him, he is one helluva of a lucky man. I say no to my dh at least once a week.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 19/11/2010 10:14

Christ, I never have sex unless I want to. You are allowed to say 'Not tonight darling, I'm knackered' you know. It's your body.

RealityBomb · 19/11/2010 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Poshmina · 19/11/2010 10:28

No its not a bloody joke!

Look, when I got married someone told me that the best way to keep a happy marriage was to put out whenever the hubby wanted,even if you didnt feel like it, as it would help keep you feeling bonded.

And to SOME degree i do agree that sometimes, even if not in the mood, when I go ahead and have sex I actually end up enjoying it and being glad that I did. My libido is pretty low these days as I am on the pill, so sometimes I just end up having sex even when I am not into it, because I love the dh and want him to be happy.

Insofar as no issues, I suppose there IS an issue in that he only ever cuddles up and holds me either when he wants sex or has just had it, so this has led to a stalemate, where I never cuddle HIM in bed in case he thinks that means sex is on the cards, but yet I feel sad that he doesnt touch me unless he wants it.

I dont know how we get out of that, but otherwise things are fine.

My own father left my mum for another woman, and I am pretty sure that sex had a lot to do with that, so I am a bit insecure in this area, maybe deep down I worry that if I cannot meet his needs he will look elsewhere although I KNOW this is NOT rational as he is a very honourable and trustorthy man.

OP posts:
Sarsaparilllla · 19/11/2010 10:34

No, it's fine, sometimes he turns me down if he doesn't fancy it as well, you can't make someone want sex and having sex with someone who isn't into it is rubbish anyway

I'd have a problem with a dp who only cuddled me when he wanted sex tho, sometimes it's nice to just have a cuddle

Original poster
Poshmina · 19/11/2010 10:38

Well if I ask him for a cuddle then he will do it, but I have to ask him or it just wont occur to him, its not a malicious thing, just kind of useless on that front really.

OP posts:
bogie · 19/11/2010 10:40

he sounds just like my dp, he won't cuddle unless he wants sex but he gats in a mood if I say no ... have only done this twice because he strops so much Sad

thisisyesterday · 19/11/2010 10:42

no, you aren't a bad wife. you shouldn't be doing anything if you don't want to

i think you need to have a talk to him tho. we had the same issue with dp only ever touching me if he thought it would lead to something, which led to me avoiding any contact because I knew he only wanted sex

ChickensHaveNoLips · 19/11/2010 10:43

Jesus, really? Women have sex with their partners because said partner will throw a tantrum if they don't?! It's your body, you are not obliged to allow entry. Surely the tantrum throwing is deeply unattractive? It would put me right off a man tbh.

RealityBomb · 19/11/2010 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaRose · 19/11/2010 10:49

You never, ever have to have sex if you don't want to. Not if you're naked and legs apart, not if you previously said you wanted to, not even if you're halfway through. If you decide you don't want to have sex, he stops. Right then and there. Anything else is rape.

I know. My ex used to do that to me. Angry

electra · 19/11/2010 10:50

You don't ever owe your husband sex.

Malificence · 19/11/2010 10:55
Shock

Just checking that we are actually in 2010 not 1910.

Sex is for the benefit of both people involved.

"Putting out" when you are absolutely not in the mood is so wrong - do you just lie there passively and let him have his way with you?

Can't he tell, or does he just not care as long as he gets off? Sad

toddlerama · 19/11/2010 10:56

Of course it is your right to say no. He might be a bit put out (which doesn't make him a bad person!!) but the fact that you are considering his feelings in this shows that you aren't cold or indifferent. You might be overthinking it...

nickypomtimes · 19/11/2010 10:59

Shock and Sad at this!

darleneconnor · 19/11/2010 11:09

No decent man would want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to do it.

I take it you dont orgasm?

Sazisi · 19/11/2010 11:16

Marrying someone doesn't make you their sex slave, although it appears some men think it does (and some women who are allowing them to think that :()

Scorpette · 19/11/2010 11:28

Whilst you're trying to keep your DH happy, what is he doing to keep you happy? Always saying yes to sex when your man wants it is something from 100 years ago. As for only cuddling you when he wants sex or if you ask, well, that's really unfair. If my DP only ever cuddled me when he wanted sex, I might say yes a lot more, just to get some affection. Perhaps your DH knows this about you and uses it to his advantage?

You must only ever have sex when you want it. I am 14 wks pg and have been so ill that we've not had sex since I got my BFP Blush and my DP cuddles and kisses me all the time and has not once complained or even asked (letting me tell him when I feel well enough). I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just pointing out how a reciprocal relationship should be.

Think you and your DH need a bit of a loving chat about stuff.

Your father did not leave your mother for another woman because she wasn't providing enough sex. He left her because he was a cheating git who should've known better and kept it in his pants for the sake of his family. Sorry to be harsh, but that's the truth.

Original poster
Poshmina · 19/11/2010 11:33

Toddlerama - Thanks, that resonates with me, I probably AM overthinking it, and I do know, (the rational side of me) that this is no big deal, and that I have nothing to feel bad about.Even poor dh is totally unaware of my agonising over this, he has no doubt long forgotten last night.

Darlene - I orgasm rarely with him, but very easily on my own iykwim!

ThisisYesterday - Mind me asking how you resolved that cuddled issue?

OP posts:
Original poster
Poshmina · 19/11/2010 11:40

Scorpette - Thanks I do agree with you re my father, again, I know in my head that he made his choice, and my mum was a very warm person who certainly would have done all she could to please him. He just was (is) a git!

Its hard to shake off deep seated beliefs that you carried from childhood. My dh is totally different to my father in every way but I still have an insecurity there obviously.

I also have very little libido, and I guess I feel it is unfair to leave him frustrated just becuase I have no or little interest.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 19/11/2010 11:44

I agree with Reality

WeeScotsLass · 19/11/2010 11:44

We generally have a good understanding here -if either of us don't want it, we say so and that's the end of the matter. We might have a bit of a cuddle instead (and indeed that sometimes puts me in the mood - but it is not a foregone assumption).

As an aside, (and here I admit to being relatively inexperienced in the sex department) can anyone tell me if DP comes to bed with a hard-on will that mean he'll have "worked himself up" first, or is it a natuaral function of men, and also if he wakes up in the morning with a hard-on (he often does!!), will he have had it all night??