I refused to have sex with dh because I just couldnt be arsed..

[Poshmina]

Is this really really bad??

I usually go along with it even if I am not in the mood, as I always believed that it wasnt fair to say no, and that if you said no, then resentment would build and that its just, well a Bad Thing to refuse.

But last night at 11.45pm he started cuddling up to me in bed (only cuddled me when he wants sex) and was trying to cajole me into a quickie.

But I just wasnt in the mood. Nothing sinister, not pissed poff with him or anything, no ISHOOS, I just Couldnt Be Arsed. I was tired, and wanted to get a good nights sleep as getting up with 5 kids in the morning, 4 to get to school and then hosting a 6 year old birthday party in the afternoon, and all i wanted to do was sleep sleep sleep.

I suggested we do it tonight instead, but then he reminded me he wouldnt he about as he goes out on a fri night with his mates and I am usually asleep by time he gets home round 1am.

He wasnt huffy about it or anything, just a bit doleful, he tried for about 5 mins and then gave up.

Am I a BAD wife? Thing is, after being on Mnet for the last year i am now beginning to see that sex has to be about ME too, about MY arousal and my needs and that I cannot just switch it on and switch it off, nor be expected to, and the an understanding partner should be ok with that.

And I think that my dh is, I just cant help feeling bad.

Am I a sap?

Posh, your posts resonate with me. My DH is a good man and I love him dearly. But I'm just not that bothered about sex which I feel is unfair to him. We have the same cuddling issue that you do and I don't really know how to resolve that. Well, as I type, I realise that obviously we have to talk about it but we seem to have done that intermittently over the last 18 years but nothng ever really changes.

(And for the usual suspects on here, yes he does his share of the housework and doesn't expect me to do everything just because he has a penis, etc etc)

Slightly left field comment here but if you are concerned that your libido is low have you ever considered changing your contraception? I was on the pill for years (started in my teens due to bad skin) and honestly never even knew I had a sex drive until I came off it. In the interim I had a LTR with someone where I frequently had sex without being into it and probably faked several hundred orgasms :(

And whatever solution you find do be prepared for your H's huffing and puffing about the change to his sexual routine. When I decided I wasn't going to keep having sex I didn't want, my ex called me frigid and said I was making him frigid too by denying him Hopefully your H won't be such a cock about it!

IME coming to bed with a hard on just means anticipation, not "preparation" and no he won't have had it all night it's the old morning glory.

Acanthus -

1. scheduling

2. preparation - erotic literature, sexy nightdress

sorry - that was in reply to your post of 11:44 - things that have helped me

RealityBomb -was that last post to me or the other poster who admitted to going along with it cos her dh strops if not?

If me, just wanted to repeat what I said in my OP that my DH does NOT sulk or strop if I say no. He accepts it, does not try in ANY way to give me a guilt trip, I give the guilt trip to myself.

I think it is unfair to deduce from all this that dh is mean, this is all in MY head, not because of anything he has said or done.

Thanks JLC. I think erotic stuff literature would help. Can you recommed anything? Pretty mild stuff would do it I think.

Oops.Thanks JLC. I think erotic stuff literature would help. Can you recommed anything? Pretty mild stuff would do it I think.

I don't have a great list but I think the Nancy Friday books are a good start. They are woman's sexual fantasies and you can pretend you are buying them for academic study

Forbidden Flowers
Women on Top

Acanthus - I know exactly where you are coming from, and yes, my dh too is good around the house and v supportive of me in general.

Not sure about changing my pill. I cannot go on combined pill for healthreasons and am told that if one mini pill affects your libido then they all will.

Kind of stuck with it for the mo.

Jamie - agree re the scheduling etc anytime we have had great sex in the last while has been with planning, candles underwear etc, it really does help. Unfortunately we dont make time for that very often.

Malificence has more idea about this stuff than me .....

Your DH doesn't give you nearly enough affection but does he feel guilty? No. So you shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting a lot of sex. Affection and tenderness is more important than sex (although I do believe sex is a vital part of a relationship). I also think that affection makes a person feel more desired and cherished and attracted to the one showing them affection. Enjoying a lovely cuddle can make you want greater affection, ie sex. Perhaps you could suggest that for a while, you and DH just focus on creating more affection - ie what you want and need - and seeing if that creates more desire for sex within you, ie what he wants and needs?

But never feel guilty about not wanting sex a lot. It is your right not to and your DH won't die or leave if he has to get used to having less.

How about the coil? The pill has always killed my libido stone dead.

Yes Reality you are right about that, we probably do need to discuss this more, although I have told him time and again the little things that would make a difference, and yet nothing ever really seems to change, so in a way, I feel I have given up on it.

Scorpette - Agree with that, and will give it a try, its so hard to change habits though.

Men get 3 - 5 reflex erections during sleep - it's how you know they are healthy, it doesn't mean that they wake up having to have sex or have dreamt about it - they are heavily connected to REM sleep and testosterone levels rise while sleeping too, that's why they are likely to be horny in a morning and harder too .
Weescotslass - do you mean he comes into the bedroom with an erection or he gets one as he gets into bed with you? Second one is normal, first one would be a bit odd!

Poshmina - surely your DH can tell when you are just "giving it up"? There's a huge difference between being an active and interested sexual partner and someone just going along with things, or do you fake enthusiasm too?

Malicifence - That sounds a bit bitchy. I never said anywhere that I faked anything. I dont fake orgasms, never have, dont see the point. If I have an orgasm great, if not, I can still enjoy sex. I dont "fake enthusiasm" either.

I go along with it, SOME of the time, and often I enjoy it, despite not having been in the mood.

Why the nasty tone?

Malificence - bedtime routine normally is that one of us will go for a shower first - usually me. Do teeth, go to bed. In meantime, DP will have his shower, do teeth, enter bedroom wearing dressing gown. Takes off dressing gown, is naked, sometimes has erection. I really don't know if this is a signal or not. Does't always communicate!

Malificence - I should have added - thanks for your reply. V helpful

What about using condoms?

The pill makes me depressed and consequently uninterested in sex too.

OP - you know really that you should only have sex when you want to. As others have said, if it's been years before you have said no that is pretty amazing (as in, unbelievable, not "great"). DP or I fairly regularly are too tired, or not feeling up to it.

I don't think Malificence was being bitchy. The phrase "go along with it" did strike me. And the fact that you are so worried about putting him off on one occasion

OP - don't think Mal was trying to be bitchy, just asking a question.

WeeScots - could be either, but IME most men will get hard fairly easily at the prospect of getting into bed with their partner, even if sex is not on the cards. DP has apologised to me sometimes because we've been sitting in bed doing something totally unerotic (er, reading, or planning a holiday for instance) and I have realised he is hard :o

I honestly wasn't being bitchy - your story is now changing tone.

Weescots.. if he's bounding into the bedroom with a smile and a hard-on, he's definitely thinking about getting some action.
I take it you're both quite young? I can't actually remember if DH had ever-ready erections 25 years ago, he probably did , now he needs something physical, like a touch or a snog, if he ever came into the bedroom with a ready made one, I'd wonder what he'd been up to on his Iphone.

JLC - I did "go along with it" because of my own beliefs and insecurity not becuase of any pressure from my dh. No one has forced me into anything. I need to be more assertive.

Yes. It is OK to not just go along with it. I think that going along with it becomes corrosive and can make you end up feeling resentful even though it's you putting the pressure on yourself, as you say.