I refused to have sex with dh because I just couldnt be arsed..

[Poshmina]

Is this really really bad??

I usually go along with it even if I am not in the mood, as I always believed that it wasnt fair to say no, and that if you said no, then resentment would build and that its just, well a Bad Thing to refuse.

But last night at 11.45pm he started cuddling up to me in bed (only cuddled me when he wants sex) and was trying to cajole me into a quickie.

But I just wasnt in the mood. Nothing sinister, not pissed poff with him or anything, no ISHOOS, I just Couldnt Be Arsed. I was tired, and wanted to get a good nights sleep as getting up with 5 kids in the morning, 4 to get to school and then hosting a 6 year old birthday party in the afternoon, and all i wanted to do was sleep sleep sleep.

I suggested we do it tonight instead, but then he reminded me he wouldnt he about as he goes out on a fri night with his mates and I am usually asleep by time he gets home round 1am.

He wasnt huffy about it or anything, just a bit doleful, he tried for about 5 mins and then gave up.

Am I a BAD wife? Thing is, after being on Mnet for the last year i am now beginning to see that sex has to be about ME too, about MY arousal and my needs and that I cannot just switch it on and switch it off, nor be expected to, and the an understanding partner should be ok with that.

And I think that my dh is, I just cant help feeling bad.

Am I a sap?

JLC - That is right, I am putting the pressure on myself but will end up resenting HIM which is not exactly fair on him either.

We have some stuff to discuss, that much is clear.

Thanks for the advice

My husband wouldn't want to have sex with me unless I 100% wanted too and he would never keep on for 5 minutes if I said no. He would accept it straight away but then he is a grown up and a very decent man.

at Italian lady

Good for you!

I cannot believe i am reading this, if dp 'sulked' because I didn't want sex he would be shown the bloody door !

Apocalyspe - where did I say dh sulked? If you read my posts i make it clear he does not sulk or strop, I lay the guilt on myself.

ElephantsAndMiasmas and Malificence thanks both for your answers (even tho' it's not my thread!!). We are still both under 30, and no kids yet (and a lot to learn!)

Poshmina
I presume that your DH knows about your father leaving your mother? Does he know how you feel about this?

Have you ever thought that he might be horrified to hear that you are "going along with it"?

I don't think that never refusing sex makes a good marriage.

I believe honesty, respect and love make a good marriage.

By having sex even though you don't want to, you are not being honest, you are not being respectful to yourself or your DH. Don't do it because you love him and want to please him.

From what you write of him, it does not sound as if he would want you to.

No probs WeeScots - it's not always easy to ask about this stuff in real life! DP and I are under 30, no kids too and I think they are still quite "ever ready" as Mal puts it, at this age . Barring health probs, extreme drunkenness or being a massive stoner of course.

Your DP is just excited to be in a bedroom, with a gorgeous woman. I find it quite sweet when mine apologises because "I can't help it, you just look/feel so lovely" (in giant hideous pyjamas etc) - just like a big teenager really :o

OP - I think it's really good that you've decided to talk to him about it. Have you thought about coming off the pill for a bit and using condoms?

Agree with MmeLindt. If he's the lovely guy you say he is, he would be horrified/mortified/upset to find that you'd been having sex "for him" rather than because you both enjoy it.

From the other perspective....

My DP just doesn't have the same level sex drive as me AT ALL. Plus he has a physical job so is often knackered when he comes in from work.

At least once a week he'll just say he's too tired/not in the mood. I've never resented him for it, I don't love him just for the sex after all.

Poshmina - you posted. I answered, No need for the sceptical face. Are you saying you don't believe it or are you just not liking the fact that my husband would be a grown up about me refusing sex?

I have a strop when I want sex and DP doesn't!

But to be fair that doesn't happen very often and it's my crazy hormones that make me do it

I have no idea why a man would be interested in sex with a woman unless she was as up for it as he was. Anything else is totally unsexy and a turn-off. I'd rather have a wank than think my DP was just putting up with it/going along with it/thinking she might get in the mood later.
Urgh.
Plus, orgasms are not the be all and end all to sex, but who in their right mind thinks it is not OK to have one or two regularly????

Poshmina , whoever told you to put out whenever your hubby wanted sex was very wrong. I would be very put out if my H carried on trying for even another 30 seconds , let alone five minuites.

Sureley your H cant fail to notice your unaroused and unlubricted ?

To give you the perspective from the other side, Poshmina, I have quite a high sex drive while my DH doesn't. It's not that he's not interested in sex, it's more that I would have it every second day while he's happy with once or twice a week. When it's clear that he doesn't want it I do feel a bit rejected, even though I know that's not what's really happening. It's totally irrational but I can't help feeling that way. I admit that I do sometimes whinge a bit when he says no but only for a second and then it's behind us. I just tell him that he's so sexy I find him hard to resist and that's why it's a bit frustrating. That said, it doesn't taint how I feel about him.

The important thing is that we still have affection. So last night we lay together on the couch watching tv and he had his hand up my top but I knew from the signals he was sending that sex wasn't on the cards. That was fine with me. I think if we didn't have that affection the sex issue would become a real problem as I do believe physical closeness is very important in a relationship.

If you approached your DH, kissed him, hugged him etc but clearly stated that sex wasn't on the cards, how would it play out do you think?

No you are not a bad wife

No you are not wrong.

Actually that it carried on.

Let me get this right, you have 5 kids together and your bloke goes out EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT? And still expexts sex?

When do YOU get a break? FFS selfish twat your bloke sounds to me sorry.

Can I ask about this, too?
Not relevant atm, as I've been sex-free for so long I've probably healed up
But ... like OP, I acquired some weird beliefs from my parents which included 'never turning your man down'. This happened to be fairly easy - once I've started, I get in the mood - but I did end up in unbalanced relationships that ultimately included marital rape.

Thing is, I've hardly ever felt the urge to initiate sex with a long-term partner. As I said, I've always been fine once started. So how would you sensible people suggest I might know whether to say no?

Can I just say bleugh to parents inculcating this in their children. Did they just say that to you straight out, Grace?

WRT whether to say no - this question just makes me really sad in itself :( Basically you need to decide when you want to say YES. IIRC Grace soome of your previous partners have been twatty arseholes, or similar? Not surprising then that you haven't really fancied shagging them. Do you ever fancy men, on TV, or people you know? Felt like kissing their faces off?

I agree with your bleugh, Elephants!
That's a good point about the XPs. I probably was registering their twattishness - enough to put me off 'em, anyway! Not entirely sure this doesn't apply you, too, OP - at the very least, you've got five good reasons to be too tired ... and to need grown-up cuddles sometimes.

No, I haven't actively fancied a bloke for ages. I would go :( but suspect it's part of my self-protection mechanism while I change my ideas. You may be sure I'll let you know if when it happens! (unless I die of old age first, heh).

Sorry all have been away all day entertaining 6 boys for a birthday party.

First up, to Mme Lindt - Wise words indeed, and I take them on board. I will think about this issue in a deeper way, and will be much more proactive about asserting my own wishes, becuase it IS all about respect really isnt it.

Elephants - We are going to talk, and I will consider coming off the pill, though reluctant to do so as I hate condoms, and cannot take combined pill, and as far as I have been told by the medics, the mini pill (all of em) tend to dampen the libido.

Dignified - Can I just clarify..he wasnt actually PHYSICALLY trying it on, yes he cuddled up and put his arm around my waist, (hardly enough contact to register any arousal or lack thereof) and then it was all verbal attempts to cajole, so I dont have a problem with that, it was all lighthearted anyway, he was chancing his arm, and I held firm.

Writer of Dreams - Thanks for the perspective from the other side, very interesting...hmm..if I approached him with hugs and kissed I reckon he would keel over with shock as it is something I never do, but I think he would be pleased. I dont think he would assume it meant sex, unless I did it to him in bed.

BaileysandIce - I have a chilminder to help me out monday to friday, and I have a cleaner, and my dh sends me away at least twice as year on a girls weekend, PLUS I go out either with him or with friends once a week, so I dont at all feel short-changed on that front, thanks!

This problem really needs some honest communication between the tow of you. How is your communication normally?