is this fair?

[Leka]

My partner and I are in the process of separating. He says that when he moves he doesn't want to have DS spend the night or have scheduled time with him for a few months. He also wants me to be financially independent which means I have to get a lodger and work black at who knows what since I don't have a work permit.

I think if he is going to put the load of childcare on me, he should pay my basic living expenses. Am I wrong?

Off to put DS to bed - will check responses later. Thanks all.

If you are not married then he doesn't have to give you any money to support yourself.

He does have to pay maintenance for his child. Go straight to the CSA now (so that a claim is started immediately and it is backdated) as it looks like he will mess you around.

How old is your son.

Write to him saying that in your opinion it is very important that he sees your son regularly and you would like him to start seeing him on x date for x hours and y date for y hours.

You cannot force him unfortunately to see his own child.

Unfortunately despite what is said it is very much a man's world even in the UK. He can feck off refuse to see his child, play the system to get out of paying a penny towards his child yet it is still single mothers that are seen and demonised as the scum of society and penalised.

Why can't you work?

Yup - no obligation to support you, but an obligation to support his child regardless of whether he sees the child. Are you in the UK?

You write back and say "Whether you see your son or not, you will still pay for him, whether or not you want to, as the law says you must. You will pay 15% of your net income. The rest of my financial situation is not, in fact, your business any more."

Are you an EU citizen? If so you don't need a permit to work. The CSA will probably ask for more than 15% of his income, so ask them soon.

The point is not why I can't work - but that he thinks that I should do all the caring plus support DS and myself and he can go on and do what he likes without having to consider childcare. BTW he is registered with the tax office as a single parent, and gets the child benefit. I think he is just afraid of being massively inconvenienced by having to take care of him alone (early mornings and all that). He has never gotten up with him, not once, without me there.

Taghain - I'm in the EU but not from the EU.

Are you here legally Leka?

DS is three.

No, I'm not Memoo. I'm in the Netherlands quasi legally - I have a basic citizen's ID number so I have a bank account and private insurance and the apartment and utilities are in my name, but not a long term permit that allows work.

It's unfair yes, but it's the way in this country.

I was left with 4 dc and no help or maintenence from the ex as he had 'mental health' issues! And was cramped in a hostel and thrown onto benefits as was homeless!

Oh dear, first thing you need to do, is sort out your immigration status. Imagine if you are found to be working without a WP, and you are forced to leave the country. Would your partner then have care of your son?

The problem is that I would need a sponsor or 10,000 euro to start my own business. Since we are not going to be living together, we don't meet the criteria for "family" so to apply for legal status under 'family unification' won't fly.

I'm not to freaked out about the money it's more that he thinks he can just do as he likes and I have to take up the slack.

YOu need to sort out that single parent status thing of his RIGHT NOW>

Y9ou need to get the child benefit switched to your account PRONTO, you need to explain that he works full time and YOU care for your child.

Well, I am freaked out about the money. But we are both parents, we both have responsilities. If he wants to be financially rid of me then surely he should do his share regarding our son. Or pay me for looking after DS when he should be doing it since it means I can't work if I have to be there for DS.

He can work when it suits him without considering child care. He can do anything without considering child care. I can't. If I want time to work I have to
arrange care.

Ugh, he was just here and took his bank pass (he always does this when he's mad) and told me he was not paying anything. I know he's emotional and angry but I feel bullied.