Upset at dh - am I being unreasonable?

[feelinglost]

I'm a reasonably regular poster and I've been a MNer for a year or so. I've changed my name because I've recommended MN to family members (incl one of dh's close family members) and one in particular may now be a MNer without me knowing and it's too easy to work me out from my usual MN name. If you recognise me, please don't say my usual name or give me away. Thanks.

Anyway... I came home from work today and checked dh's e-mail. He is selling some stuff but he's away tonight and I'd need to do it on his behalf if someone was to buy so that it doesn't get delayed. I saw an e-mail referring to an item that he'd thought of buying but I wasn't happy about. I can't say what it really is incase dh's relative is reading, but lets call it a motorbike. What really upsets me is that the e-mail was from the motorbike's owner asking if he'd had a chance to view it on the weekend. The owner lives far away from where the item is kept. This was a complete shock as every time it has come up in conversation, I've said that we'd have to agree the purchase before he bought one as to make good use of it needs time as well as money. I searched his e-mail folders and found one marked HOBBY TITLE and, sure enough, they've corresponded several times over the last week about whether this item was still for sale and then about dh possibly going to view this item. On the w/e dh had to work and he left early, I thought to give him enough time to drive to this place, but the e-mail he sent to the seller said "I'm going to CITY NAME on the w/e and may be able to view the item. Please can you provide me with details of where to view." Why didn't he discuss it with me first? Is he really intending to buy it? Did he go to see it on the w/e? He was home late that night but didn't say anything, or yesterday either. I feel let down and upset. He manages our finances, but once I read that e-mail, I decided to make my savings inaccessible to him. It doesn't stop him paying for it by credit card or cheque but it's something. I've been able to change the password on my main savings accounts so that he can't go and help himself to that money without me knowing. (He knows my passwords as he usually does all that stuff.) I don't know if this item costs £hundreds or £thousands. I suspect it wouldn't be any less than £1,000 purchase, plus upkeep and time and stuff. Am I being unreasonable? Should he discuss this purchase with me first? I know he works hard and earns decent money (my part time salary is a pittance in comparison but my savings are my inheritance and is a lot of money - to me, anyway.) Sorry if this sounds a jumble. Dh will ring tonight, probably around 7pm to 10pm. I don't have to say anything to him tonight as he doesn't know the e-mail from the motorbike owner has come in. Once he comes home tomorrow though, he'll know I've seen it because I have downloaded the incoming e-mails in his e-mail account and dealt with the one I had to in his absence, so I can't pretend that I don't know about it.

Please advise. I have to make the tea and the children are old enough to be nosy and read this and I'll have to log off lots incase they read this whilst I'm busy cooking tea so please understand if I only come on every quarter of an hour or so until they are in bed.

Have only got half way thru your post but I keep getting dodgy/not real/fake emails from things im menat to have bid on, asked questions about from ebay ask a seller etc...they would want me to sign in at some point and then would get my details. Is there any chance its something like this?

Not with the folder about it..ok barking up wrong tree
Tell him your read the email? See what he says.

Would the money come from his wages? If its coming from the inheritance you mentioned then it really would be unfair and wrong for him to take the money and buy something so expensive without talking to you.

I think it is reasonable to be upset. I would ask him directly, he did give you access to his e-mails so it is legitimate that you have read the e-mail. It's horrible to think he has secrets, I hope he gives you a straight answer.

I think if you've already discussed it and he knows that you weren't happy about the idea, then yes youhave every right to be unhappy.

Although, me and DH tend not to buy anything without discussing with the other, so the whole concept of doing it without telling you upsets me

I'd be fumimg tbh. It's a lot of money to spend, could he do it without it impacting on the family finances? I have to say that it is the sneaky behind-your-back aspect that's the most irritating part!

I think that you should tell him that the email came (but without any other comments) and see what he says about it.

Is it something you both want and it could be a surprise for you? (really hopeful emoticon!)
If not then I do think he's out of order for having no discussion on the subject.
Maybe when you see him just say casually, oh you had an email about the 'motorbike' and just check out his reaction. Avoiding eye contact = feeling guilty....

Lots of posts at same time - think we all have the same thoughts!

Thanks all. If I ask him, I don't know...whatever I say or do, it'll be my fault/I'll be being unreasonable/whatever. He'll be the strong powerful one and I'll be the wimp who'll cry and go and sleep in the spare room. I don't know if he'd apologise for doing what he has behind my back and not discussing it with me. At best he's being a timewaster to the seller, that's if he had no intention of buying it really. Yes, the money would come from his wages, but he wouldn't be able to spend money like that if we didn't have the security of my inheritance money. He wanted something a couple of years ago that cost a fortune (about 6 months wages for him) and I agreed to it and hardly it ever gets used and he wouldn't have been able to do that if we didn't have my savings as a good nest egg.

Make him ebay the first expensive item to finance the new expensive one....

And, feelinglost, if you're not happy with him doing this you'll have to put your foot down and be tough. Make him sleep in the spare room. Think of it like a Supernanny thing, if you give in to the bad behaviour then they'll just repeat it!

Lol - Visions of you yelling "This is not assepable" at FL's DH Serenity!

Thanks for the new posts that came in while I was doing mine. No, the "motorbike" would be something that he could use and the children with him, but they aren't very keen on that hobby and so it would mainly be him. We already pay around £20 a month for membership of a club that he seems to have lost interest in. Needless to say, he bought all the gear when that hobby was new and exciting. He said he'd make more of his membership if only he had more spare time. So where does he think the spare time is going to come from for this new hobby? Yes, the going behind my back bit is what has upset me. It's not the first time, either. I've found e-mails relating to holidays that he's started to plan without asking me if I'd like to go to such and such a country. I've only seen some of them accidentally as once or twice he accidentally sent them from my account and not his. So he'd contact a travel agent about availability for a holiday without asking me first. Once he rang me up from the agent sayig that he'd seen a bargain flight to xyz country and I felt I had to agree even though it was out of the blue, so it's nothing new. Oh dear.

Thanks for your replies. It's good to have support and I recognise your names and feel supported by them.

FL - I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, especially if he has bought expensive things before and then not used them.
Your inheritance is important to you for family security - it is not an excuse for him to waste his wages on boys toys.
It is NOT your fault you found out - you were doing him a favour checking his emails. Careful not to mention it on the phone tonight as it will be better to watch his face when you discuss it. You will have to be strong but you can do it!!

He wouldn't do it, I'm sure. Sleep in the spare room, that is. Also, the first expensive item is a house improvement so can't be sold.

Damn. He just tried ringing. I let it ring, then put it on answerphone. It worked, but he didn't leave a message. I know it was him 'cos I did 1471 and it's his mobile.

My inheritance is about one year's wages for him (gross) and so perhaps he doesn't view it as important. I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye. I never can. I can be an assertive person, but not in my relationship with him. Even when he behaves badly, I just let him get away with it. My complaints don't seem to register. I know, I'm doing it wrong. Even though I know I'm right, he comes out on top. He's so used to getting his way, I cave in.

sorry but he's just going to carry on doing things like this as long as you let him get away with it. Marriage is a partnership and important things like this need agreement IMO.

FL - At some point you will have to stand up to him, you will end up driving yourself mad if you don't. Also if the children are old enough to be nosy they are old enough to start learning/copying behaviours. He is in the wrong and needs to be told this in not acceptable. You have not done anything wrong & this gives you the upper hand. You may not feel any strength but there are plenty of extremely assertive Mumsnetters behind you so feel free to borrow some of theirs!

Yep, I know. A few years ago I consulted a solicitor about a divorce. I told him, he went white and asked me to reconsider. He said that it would devastate the kids and he'd want custody if it went ahead. I gave him another chance but nothing changed. I think it's the only thing that would make him sit up and take notice. I'm sure that he wouldn't get custody btw. I'm the main carer. I'm the one who gave up work to look after them, then went back part time in school hours to continue looking after them. He works full time incl evenings and weekends and being away from home.

Jackstini. Thanks. I've been one of the assertive ones helping people before now. I hear what you are all saying, loud and clear. I just need to put it into practice for myself (and, yes, for the children, too).

It is hard though. It took my Mum 17 years to stand up to my Dad, and once she started doing it it became a lot easier. She did it by divorcing his sorry arse though, which might have been skipping a few steps in the middle!

THis has been pointed out a zillion times on MN already, but I think it's worth mentioning again. OK, fine, he earns the money but if you weren't there running the house, caring for your kids how would he manage to work days/evenings weekends? He might have a greater financial input, but that doesn't mean you aren't on a equal footing. You work just as hard as he does (if not harder!) just without the salary. You are an equal partner in this relationship and he needs to respect you as such.

Sorry, in a ranty mood today (PMT!)

wow fl iv just read through the posts and i think that you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT to be annoyed with your dh!! its so frustrating when you dont seem to be listened to when you give your opinion on things!! he is totally wrong for even considering buying something that you were not happy about esp as he would want to pay such a large amount for it!! he needs to be put in his place!! just be strong!!
btw, if you dont mind me asking, was the reason you were applying for divorce the same/similar to this one?? (im not particularly tolerant and wont stand for anything like this with my dp- he has a tendency to lie and try and hide things, hes not too good at covering his tracks tho!!)

Sorry but custody? Now it's sounding very serious. You say you're not assertive yet have threatened divorce? And he went white too so he obviously took you seriously. I'm not going to start giving legal advice but I'm sure you know where you'd stand. Most men threaten they'll get the kids but.... well we know what happens.

at your name combined with the confession of being in a ranty mood today due to PMT!

I agree with what you said about my time with the children being every bit as valid as his time at work. He'd never have stuck it, looking after the children when they were small, and I think he knows it. I can play games, read stories, play trains, dolls etc even if they bore the pants off me. The kids (when they were little) enjoyed them, so I did them and entered into the spirit of them. He'd have had them doing his stuff regardless. He has never given me any credit for it, though.

I know just what you're saying. He just can't see it. I'm most certainly not an equal partner, I'm barely a junior partner! For my last b/day, he took the kids on a day out to another of his hobby places (there was something special on that day so there was a valid reason for choosing that day over another) and I stayed home alone looking after the pets. That hurt, but it's not the first time. My feelings don't count, apparently.

Dh rang about half an hour ago. I was pretty brusque, but didn't let on about the e-mail. I just answered with very few words and ended the call asap. I hope he is sweating conkers. That's if he twigged there is something wrong. I am so cross. On the weekend, I asked him to take the kids to the cinema. He wanted to avoid going in with them to have to see the film. He wanted to sit in the foyer with a newspaper. I said it wouldn't be much fun for them to be by themselves. He made it clear that he didn't want to do it, so I went with them. We ate lots of choccies and had a ball! He, on the other hand, proposed going to an evening out on holiday last month where we listened to people reciting poems in a foreign language none of us understood for over an hour! We sat there, bored stiff. Luckily the kids had a packet of crisps each (a rare treat for them as I'm a bit of a health freak usually) whilst each new speaker was introduced and read out several of their poems. I'm safe in repeating this, as dh never admits to his family when things have gone wrong in his planning. His only comment was "I thought they were going to sing opera, too. The brochure must've been wrong." Can you imagine it? So he can't watch a film in a language he is fluent in for 90mins and yet we (kids and I) have to go to an event in a language none of us speak? Where's the sense in that? When I write it down, it sounds unreal. Is this normal? Oh, yes and the hotel that was 5 minutes from the airport took us over an hour and a half to find because he (who had planned the whole holiday from start to finish) didn't have a proper map for the area and none of us could ask directions because none of us spoke the language. Do other people's dh's do stupid things like that? I thought we were going to have to sleep in the car and it was very late at night. And that was our first night of the holiday, too. And it's not the first time he hasn't had a map of the (foreign) country we were travelling through by car and we spent hours completely lost, but I'd better not go on about that occasion as well. Sorry - really long post, there.

Yes FL - all men are useless at getting maps and refuse to ask for directions!
It sounds like you know what you need to do & what to say to make him take notice - keep us up to date with what happens.

How it went was this. It was Sept time. We'd just got back from some b**y awful holiday. I think it was the one that I said we drove in 30 degree plus heat from 8.30am until 2.30pm with the kids through a country without a map. We didn't know if we were going north or south, east or west. I was dying for a wee and we needed fuel to get to the ferry and so we stopped for fuel and I had to go into the station and ask for the loo without knowing any words. I know a bit of French and German, so I probably used those as they were neighbouring countries (ish, my geography is awful). We didn't have a map, the kids didn't go to the loo til we got to the ferry port (we'd missed the ferry cos he got the time wrong and had to wait for the next one) and we hadn't had a drink or anything to eat since breakfast around 7.45am. I thought "Can I be any worse off without him?". I'd lost earlier that year the only family member (on my side) that would be hurt by my divorcing dh and I think I felt let down by the lack of support during my bereavement. I also know that if I divorced him quickly, I might get to keep my inheritance myself but (as my solicitor said) as we'd been married x years then it would get considered to be equally his and time was running out if I hoped to keep it all or most of it. We are talking about a lot of money all told. Some now in other savings, some in liquid type savings some other things also. I also thought I might inherit something that had been in the family for generations and I didn't want him to get it. So I had to decide and I went ahead with the initial consultation thinking that at least he would get a shock and that I'd know what I'd be entitled to, even if I didn't go ahead with it. Since that time, I have given some of the inheritance (not money - land based) away to one of my close family members so that it is safe. I still have another chunk that I should give to her before starting divorce procedures so that it, too, would be safe. I think I knew that he wouldn't listen to me, and that is why I wanted to get someone on my side that he'd have to listen to. Sorry this is so long. Thanks again for the advice.