Upset at dh - am I being unreasonable?

[feelinglost]

I'm a reasonably regular poster and I've been a MNer for a year or so. I've changed my name because I've recommended MN to family members (incl one of dh's close family members) and one in particular may now be a MNer without me knowing and it's too easy to work me out from my usual MN name. If you recognise me, please don't say my usual name or give me away. Thanks.

Anyway... I came home from work today and checked dh's e-mail. He is selling some stuff but he's away tonight and I'd need to do it on his behalf if someone was to buy so that it doesn't get delayed. I saw an e-mail referring to an item that he'd thought of buying but I wasn't happy about. I can't say what it really is incase dh's relative is reading, but lets call it a motorbike. What really upsets me is that the e-mail was from the motorbike's owner asking if he'd had a chance to view it on the weekend. The owner lives far away from where the item is kept. This was a complete shock as every time it has come up in conversation, I've said that we'd have to agree the purchase before he bought one as to make good use of it needs time as well as money. I searched his e-mail folders and found one marked HOBBY TITLE and, sure enough, they've corresponded several times over the last week about whether this item was still for sale and then about dh possibly going to view this item. On the w/e dh had to work and he left early, I thought to give him enough time to drive to this place, but the e-mail he sent to the seller said "I'm going to CITY NAME on the w/e and may be able to view the item. Please can you provide me with details of where to view." Why didn't he discuss it with me first? Is he really intending to buy it? Did he go to see it on the w/e? He was home late that night but didn't say anything, or yesterday either. I feel let down and upset. He manages our finances, but once I read that e-mail, I decided to make my savings inaccessible to him. It doesn't stop him paying for it by credit card or cheque but it's something. I've been able to change the password on my main savings accounts so that he can't go and help himself to that money without me knowing. (He knows my passwords as he usually does all that stuff.) I don't know if this item costs £hundreds or £thousands. I suspect it wouldn't be any less than £1,000 purchase, plus upkeep and time and stuff. Am I being unreasonable? Should he discuss this purchase with me first? I know he works hard and earns decent money (my part time salary is a pittance in comparison but my savings are my inheritance and is a lot of money - to me, anyway.) Sorry if this sounds a jumble. Dh will ring tonight, probably around 7pm to 10pm. I don't have to say anything to him tonight as he doesn't know the e-mail from the motorbike owner has come in. Once he comes home tomorrow though, he'll know I've seen it because I have downloaded the incoming e-mails in his e-mail account and dealt with the one I had to in his absence, so I can't pretend that I don't know about it.

Please advise. I have to make the tea and the children are old enough to be nosy and read this and I'll have to log off lots incase they read this whilst I'm busy cooking tea so please understand if I only come on every quarter of an hour or so until they are in bed.

K - Yes, I could say that to the kids as I've blamed snoring before. Perhaps he'll that he's won again because before I've slept on the sofa or whatever and then after a few nights I've gone back to our bed and I've seemingly given in and have carried on. I think I need to shake him up and show that this time I feel very strongly. As I've work tomorrow and I need to be up early, I've got to get to bed soon. I'm in the middle of a massive sort out (I did it on the w/e when he was "working" and he came home and criticised the mess. I said "I've done a, b, c, d, x, y and z whilst you've been away. I thought that was quite a lot. I know I haven't finished yet. I will finish it as soon as I have time." So, anyway, the spare bedroom has copped it and is a state. I'd have to find the bed (under all the stuff) and then bedding including a duvet. Oh, what to do.
B - thanks for your post. I'll read this through again tomorrow. I think I did that before once and it did work. I was ironing at the time so didn't walk away, but I said my bit and then left him to reply. It did seem to take him aback as he felt he had to say something otherwise it would be bedtime and he wouldn't have responded to what I'd said. Okay. Thanks both. Off to bed now. I'll be back tomorrow. Thanks again.

dh once bought a car without telling me. How he thought he'd hide it is beyond me! In fact, he hadn't thought it through at all. He'd seen it, decided he could do it up and sell it on to make a bit of money, and before he had stopped to think, he'd done the deal. In fact, he was relieved I sussed it out, because he couldn't think how to tell me. He was enormously embarassed and contrite. I still bring it up when I want to make him squirm. At the time I was furious with him, but now I realise it wasn't symptomatic of any deep problem. He just got carried away - he likes cars! I don't know about your relationship - it might be completely different, but I do think that stewing away is only going to make things seem even worse. I would just ask him what it was all about, without launching a massive attack, and see what he says. dh was belligerent for about a minute, and then admitted he'd been a bit of an idiot. Good luck - are you sure about the spare room?

FL - hope you got some sleep. When are you able to get some time to talk with him again. I think your proposed opening line is fine. K & B have given some great advice and the best thing you can do is calmly ask the basic question & then keep quiet. Silence eventually should make him uncomfortable enough to give you a reply. Don't say anything moire yourself even if it seems like ages.
Struck a chord with me on his criticising - funny how aome people are so quick at giving it out yet incapable of accepting any constrictive critisism about themselves......!

Thank you both. Yes, that's the way forward. I can't really speak to him until the children are in bed so I won't have an opportunity until around 9pm tonight.

I thought your story, becky, was brill. I know we all do daft things at times, but that made me smile. I'm afraid that I do go and sleep elsewhere regularly. It's probably once a month or so. I did it once on holiday last month. It was way too hot for me, we'd been out walking all day in 30 something degree heat and the place we were renting was really noisy so it was impossible to sleep properly and I didn't know what to do with myself, I felt rotten. The kids wanted to go to the beach, so we needed to do that. On the journey out, I read the guide book and phrasebook (that he'd bought not long before we left and he hadn't read them, or else not properly) and both said to avoid visiting the area in the summer months as the temps made things unbearable. I asked "Why are we here at the hottest time of the year? You know I can't handle heat" (I'm very fair skinned and burn very easily) and he said that I was being unreasonable and I should make the best of it. I let them go to the beach by themselves and had a bath which made me feel heaps better. I went down to speak to him while the kids were in the sea and I said "I'm sorry I lost it, I'm just so hot and tired I can't bear it" and he said it was okay. I asked why we'd gone there at the time of year strongly not recommended by the 2 books I'd read and he said "Leave it. You said you're sorry. Leave it." He didn't offer an explanation at all! It was my fault for not being able to cope according to him. I went back to the apartment and they went out for a meal as planned. I slept on the sofa that night. I didn't want to be in the same room as him. I can't bear to be anywhere near him sometimes. I made up the spare bed last night and slept okay. I'll update this tonight or tomorrow depending on whether I get any privacy to be able to do it. Thanks again.

Thinking of you FL and wondering if you are having that conversation. Sending you 'be strong' vibes over the broadband! Let me know how you get on

Hi FL, just wondering how you're doing?

Hey FL - are you ok? Hope you are just doing something so lovely you have not had time to sign on

Thank you, both. I'm afraid that we didn't have that talk last night. Dh has just gone out and probably won't be back until after 9. I don't know if we'll talk then. I will try, honestly, but it always goes badly and I come off worst. I have thought of suggesting that we go to Relate. At least then I'll be able to say what I feel in a controlled environment and the counsellor will be able to guide us through discussions. Whenever he realises that he has upset me and tries to change, you see, it lasts about a week. He'll put the kids to bed, load the dishwasher or something like that for a while, but he won't ever hold my hand, kiss me, say he loves me and very rarely makes the first move in bed. It's better for me that he ignores it (having upset me that is) completely and we gradually go back to normal without discussing it. It hurts less that way. I'd just like to be happy but I don't think we can ever be happy together. He doesn't (I think) know what love is. I did say to him a few years ago that his idea of love is like seeing a landsape in black and white and thinking that it's beautiful whereas other people see it in colour and say "Now that's beautiful." He said he understood what I was saying but I don't know if he did or not. He has said before that he just can't do the "I love you" bit. It's not in him. But if he can't do that, hold me, talk to me with care and affection, what do we have? Aren't I a housekeeper and a nanny and stuff rather than a wife? When I was very ill, I had to carry on as normal. He didn't once try to iron or hoover or cook or anything. It was still all down to me. He used to give me flowers when we were going out, and he bothered then to buy me presents at birthday or Christmas. Now I rarely get anything. I didn't have a gift when I had the children, for example, or on our 10th anniversary or anything. I've dropped big hints about wanting another ring often enough, but he ignores it. Other women get given things, don't they? Why not me? Oh, I don't know.

Thanks again for thinking of me. I don't think I'll be able to come back on until Sunday or Monday unless dh goes out for a while. Have a good w/e both.

Awww FL

Can I ask what you do get out of the marriage? Do the pros outweigh the cons? I don't know what's going on with your dh but to me it seems there's something very wrong.

Relate sounds like a very good idea to me as you can't surely go on like this? You can even go alone if he won't.

take care hun xx

FL - I think a counseller is a great idea. Someone that can mediate and make sure points of view are listed to.
I think Ulysees is right - you do need to make a list of the pros and cons.
There does seem to be something very wrong in your relationship. I know a lot of men find it hard to show affection - some can only say things, some initiate sex & some give gifts or help around the house. Yours is doing absolutely nothing to make you feel appreciated and everything to make you feel devalued and it's wrong. You are worth so much more than this.
Hope next time you post you have managed to speak to him or reach the next step on getting some help, will be thinking of you.

Thanks, both. I've only got a minute so will update tomorrow if I get a chance. I will think about the pros and cons bit in the meantime too. Thanks again. I do appreciate the support.

How's things FL?

Thanks, Ulysees for your post. We did have that talk on Sunday. I think I felt a bit raw after it, so it's probably just as well that I've left it a while before posting as I feel more positive now. I'm sure he hadn't twigged that I'd seen the e-mails so he was taken aback when I said that I'd seen them and that I was cross and upset that he'd done as much as he had without discussing it with me. He did say that he was sorry that I felt that he had betrayed my trust and I think he could see my point of view. He said he was just curious and wanted to take a look, but had decided that he didn't have the time to take up that hobby to the extent of buying the item. I said I could have told him that within 2 minutes!
I asked dh for the 3 little words last night and he said "I love you" then I asked for a goodbye kiss this morning and he gave me one. I think that I have to accept that if I don't ask, I don't get. Maybe I can get him into the habit eventually of doing it off his own bat. We'll see. If I leave it to him he doesn't do it and I get upset, so I think I'll have to get used to asking him daily so that it does become a habit and hopefully becomes more natural over time.
It probably sounds silly, but I've got a few days off and I intend to make the most of them and have a spring clean. I want to feel good about the house and make it something I'm proud of and I haven't felt that in all the time we've lived here. It's just been a house.
I'm finally feeling more confident in my work (I had a good week this week which boosted my confidence) although I am hankering after a career change next year. I will look into it. I might do some voluntary work on my days off to see if I like it before I take the plunge. I'll discuss it with dh and see what he thinks. My friend does the same type of job and it's linked to what I wanted to do when I was young.
I also said to dh that I want us to have far fewer holidays and for the ones that we go on to be nicer ones ie not cheapskate ones. He appeared to listen to that, too. If we have family here on holiday sometimes and visit family sometimes, it'll be much cheaper and maybe we can splash out a bit once a year on a nice holiday. He normally has time to himself to do his own thing, but he didn't do that this year and maybe that wasn't a good thing. He does have wanderlust, and his interests are so different to ours. I'm waffling on, but I'm feeling much more positive overall. I'm sure he'd hate to lose me and the kids. I don't want to lose him, either. I have to talk to him more, so that he knows what I'm thinking and feeling. I fully intend to do that so that things like this don't happen again. Thanks again for the support from everyone who has posted on this thread. I'm very, very grateful.

glad to hear you're so positive FL

I hope he is hearing you and will take notice.

I understand his need to do his own thing, I encourage my dh to go on a holiday (organised) that involves his interest and I also go away with friends. Just because you're married doesn't mean you're going to like the same things.

It's good to hear you have new ideas regarding your work as this will make you feel more positive too.

Thanks, Ulysees. Yes, things are looking up. I need to be clear about my needs and wishes, first to myself and then to dh.

It's good to hear that other people have holidays away from their partners as people I know have looked at me oddly when he has gone away on a holiday by himself, as if we're about to split up. I haven't thought about how we're going to cover childcare for next year yet, but I think we should sit down and work out how many days holiday we have and how it'll work for covering school hols and work it out from there. Maybe we could even fit in a night away, leaving the children with close family. We rarely ask for a favour. Perhaps we've been a bit too independant so far.

Off to iron some school uniform for tomorrow. Thanks again.

If you can get away I'd thoroughly recommend Warner breaks, no kids I like them as the food is great, it's good value and I don't feel guilty seeing other kids around as there aren't any there.

He has done it again. I must've looked a right idiot when the delivery man said "Mrs X? I've got a (item name) for you." I said "Oh, have you? I didn't know dh had ordered one. He must have forgotten to tell me." That was an hour or so ago. I've checked his e-mail account (for the first time since the last time) and there's nothing there about it. He had mentioned it, but as it is such a big item, I was against buying one but in favour of hiring one as and when it's needed. He did say that he wanted to buy one a few days ago but I said that it didn't fit into our family plans well, that only one person could do it at a time so it wouldn't be much fun, it would take up storage space, etc. He said it was a bargain at about (iirc) £200. As we didn't talk about it any more, I thought that was that. Instead, he'd ordered one and it must have been days ago as it has a three day delivery sticker on it. I give up. The man is an idiot.

Btw, thanks Ulysees for your suggestion. I did ask dh what he knew of that holiday type and he replied "Expensive" so we didn't speak about it any more. It did sound lovely though.

I will be unable to use the PC after 5pm ish tonight until Fri nt or Sat, so please excuse me if someone posts and I don't reply until then. Thanks.

I think its outrageous for him to spend this ammount of money without it being ok'd with you, i guess the man will never change have you thought about giving him a taste of his own medicine, id be tempted to buy something very expensive that only you can use like a weekend at a spa or a designer dress i think you should at least spend £200 like he has done, if it was me id start with getting my hair and nails done followed by a shopping spree and some expensive lunch inc champagne and possibly some expensive make up (you can tell i have dreamt of this day as im always skint lol)

Go and enjoy yourself to get over this. Also when/ if he freaks out remember to remind him that he has been deceitful and has had no consideration for your thoughts or feelings so you have done likewise and maybe he will rethink his selfish behaviour in the future..........

good luck and have a nice day!!