Why is she better than me...???

[singlemum2]

My ex (Fiancé) just announced he is getting married next year in May....I am feeling sick and cant stop crying. Am completely distraught. We were planning to get married OURSELVES in September next year. This is so so upsetting.

A little bit of background. We had our second child 5 months ago. He left us when DD was only 5 weeks old. He left me for this woman he dated back in 1992. They got in touch after years through facebook!
I love this arse and am trying so hard to move on but news like this bring me right down to where I was three months ago.
I reacted to the news quite normal. Didn?t show any emotions to him. But as soon as he left with our DS i started crying. I want to confront him when he gets back. Ask why. I wana know why he doesn?t love me any more, I want to know what I have done wrong. All these years we were together, He was always sayin I am the only one for him, he only loves me and will only ever marry me if ever gets married. I wana know whats changed. Is IT WISE TALKIN TO HIM? Or I shall i just grit my teeth and get on with it. It is so painful though. I wana know what she?s got that I haven?t. He [promised we be together forever!!!
Please help, please make me feel better...

Don't do it. You won't feel better afterwards. She is not better than you and don't even think that.

I wish I had some better advice but I don't but I'm sure someone will be along soon who does. Don't let him know that you are hurt by this, he doesn't deserve to know that a part of you still cares.

I just need a closure. He left me saying that I pushed him away but never said he doesnt love me..He actually said that he will never stop loving me. How do I carry on with my life, knowing that the love of my life is getting married to somebody else. We were meant to get married in Sep. and he gets married even sooner than that. It hurts so much. I am feeling sick and cant stop thinking of us although there is no us any more...

Singlemum2, you poor thing

It does hurt so much to see someone you still love move on with someone else. There's the endless little voice saying 'that should be me', and the daydreams, and then the horrendous pain when you wake up and he's with someone else. I completely understand.

I do not think you should ask him the questions you mentioned though. It won't change anything, and in future you'll wish you hadn't said anything (this is coming from someone who once begged and pleaded for him not to leave, and to tell me what I'd done wrong - I so, so regret that now).

The thing is, if he did this to you, he is not the love of your life. I know it won't feel that way now, but in time you'll meet a man who adores you, and values your love above all others, truly. I know you'll read that and think "he was that person", but over time you'll see that he never was. One day you'll wake up and the pain will be gone, and you'll only feel indifferent towards him - possibly angry too, at the way he has behaved towards the mother of his child.

Why is he rushing into marriage with this woman? How old are your children? Old enough to understand what's going on?

xx

I think OP probably means they share access to their son - rather than he has "taken/stolen/kidnapped" their son. That's how I read it anyway

OP, you need to think of other things, if he doesn't feel the same about you there is no pint asking all these questions. Move on, meet someone else and you'll soon realise how this relationship with your ex was never meant to be!

What EternalCynic says.

I think you are at that worst stage of the break up where you are missing the fantasy, the dreams of the future with him, and it does take time to realise that this isn't reality, he may have meant what he said at the time, but he doesn't now.

And in a few months/years you will be so glad that he buggered off because why would you want to be with a man who was so weak that he went trawling the internet for past girlfriends when he already had two children?

Sounds like he is scared of responsibility. He may love you 'in his own way' but it is a piss poor kind of love and no one should have to settle for that.

It is probably far too early for you to feel anything other than hurt and devastated but it DOES get easier, with the simple passage of time.

Please DONT beg him for answers or explanations, I think it is pretty shitty that he says things like 'he will always love you' - I think that is to make things easier for him, to salve his concious.

But I strongly believe that love is a verb, it is something we do, not something we say. To 'love' the mother of your children (and one a baby!!) you stick around and take care of her and the children. Anything else isn't 'love'.

You are better off without him, and I hope the day is soon that you will be able to believe this.

We have two children. DS who is 5 and the baby. He took our DS OUT for the day. I cant help the thinking that If he gave me some answers it would be easier to accept. He just left me one day back in July saying that I had pushed him away. Never said what's gone wrong and why I pushed him away to walk out on us.He was feeding me with this lies for the past 8 years, saying how much he loves me and how perfect match we are. And now he is marrying this woman on 1ST may. It should have been me, shouldnt it??

Why would it be easier to accept if you had answers?

What could he possibly say to make it better?
She is prettier, nicer body, earns more money???

The explanation for what has gone on is that sadly, you have fallen in love with and remain emotinally attached to someone who is weak and irresponsible, who is chucking himself into marriage with someone who reminds him of his youthful 1992 self.

Well, I wouldn't be betting on that one lasting.

But whether he is happy or whether he is not, you have to try to wean yourself off caring about what he does or what he thinks.

I am sorry, I remember how hard it is, but I can tell you as one who came out the other side, that it does get better. Have you got any friends who will just let you sit and rant and sob for a while and get it out? That helps I think.

Spero is spot on there - he sounds incredibly self-absorbed and to go back to a woman he dated in 1992 I think says a lot. And this whole 'nice guy' act, telling you he'll always love you etc. is just cruel, and smacks of narcisism (from how you describe the situation, it seems as though he almost enjoys knowing that you're pining after him, and makes comments which will quite clearly string you along).

Trust me, getting answers will not make it easier. He will either try to placate you and give you 'nice' reasons (we grew apart, we weren't meant to be etc.etc.) which won't ring true, or he will be blunt and tell you the truth and it will hurt like hell. The pain you feel is a process you need to go through...I know how utterly soul destroying it is, to wake up each morning and forget for those first 5 seconds of wakefulness what has happened, then you remember and it just...aches. But, having been through it before, I can say that it does get better. You need to try and get out, it's important to be around other people sometimes in a relaxed environment, even if only for an hour.

Can you limit contact with him? Do you have a family member who could act as intermediary when he needs to collect your DS? In light of the things he's saying to you, I think it's in your own best interest not to see him at all for a while.

Dear op, I am 40 and it hurt like fuck when I was 37. I don't think this is an age thing.

It hurts. You love someone and you have to accept they don't love you back and/or they weren't worth loving in the first place.

You won't get any answers that work for you. I was told it was because my stomach wasn't flat anymore. What a dick. That did help actually because it was a wake up call. If that was what mattered to him, clearly the relationship was always doomed.

I think he probably gets a ego boost from knowing you are obsessing about him. So don't give him the satisfaction.

Again, KM I think age is pretty much irrelevant. My ex was an arsehole at 35. Should have grown up by then?

Anyway if he is trawling for girlfriends he had in 1992, I hope he is at LEAST 30 now.

I suspect that you didn't push him away and that he used that as an excuse so that the split was your fault.

When in reality he was probably fucking this woman.

I understand that you want to know why he's done what he's done.

What could he say that would make you feel better? He may give you a big long list of things you did wrong. (not that I think that's the truth - see above!). That wouldn't help you, it would finish you!

Or he might grow a pair and say that he loves this other woman and not you. Which would finish you.

Either way - it won't end well for you.

He's made his choice. And it's hurt you. I'm so sorry. But you have the answers right in front of you - he wants her. That's the long and short of it. I'm really sorry because this is so painful for you.

But all you can do now is keep your dignity, keep your distance (emotionally) and do the right thing for your children by maintaining civil contact with him about them. And nothing else! He's got no place in your life now. Go out. Do stuff. Talk only about the children with him. Don't let him know anything about your life.

The harsh reality is that as soon as the new fiancee has two children, this idiot man will undoubtedly leave her for somebody else as well

It's hard but you have your future in your hands. Either obsess over him or try to get over him and move on.

He sounds like a real knob.....your life will be so much better without him.

What Hectate said. The vague 'you've pushed me away' doesn't mean anything. If he really loved you but felt that you were pushing him away, he would not have finished with you. He would have said "I love you but feel that you are pushing me away. Why?"

He just used this to avoid giving you any real reason for the split.

I agree with the others that there is no point seeking any kind of 'closure' with him. Instead have the conversations that you need to have with good friends. Have a glass of wine with a girlfriend and cry and lament for a night and then try to begin to rebuild your life. A similar thing happened to me years ago (no children so much easier to make a clean break) but I PROMISE you, this is the worst you will ever feel. You are in shock and feel sick, but it will fade and one day, you will look back on this time (as I do) and think - lucky escape.

in the meantime. It's rotten.

Of course she's not better than you. They are in the early stages of a relationship when everything is new and exciting. When reality hits I bet he will change his mind and come running back.

Meanwhile hold your head high, try and get on with life as best as you can, enjoy your gorgeous children, be as happy as you can be, take care of yourself.

I hope that when the time comes you have decided that you are better off without him. You deserve a million times better than what he gave you. And if he doesn't come crawling, as I predict, then I hope you realise that he has done you a favour in the long term- you are now free to move on and find someone that deserves you.

Next time your ex mentions his new woman do what you did last time and act like you couldn't be any less interested if you tried. Well done for that by the way, it must've been hard and shows you really are stronger than you think.

Oh and believe me, I know it's early days but when you do meet someone else, your ex will have his just desserts. The jealousy and thought of another man raisning his children will eat him up.

"you've pushed me away"

what a shit, trying to blame YOU for something that is entirely down to HIM. If it was down to you, you would still be together, how dare he blame you?

Sadly it just shows how well rid of him you are. I know that is hurts like hell, but you will get through this.

Oh this must be horrible for you. So from what you're saying, he was having an affair with an old flame while you were pregnant with your second child and left just 4 months ago?

You've probably read on these threads about when some people have affairs, especially the ones that leave home, they simply have to re-write history and pretend that if it hadn't been for their affair, they would have left anyway. Hence you are hearing absolute bollocks about you "pushing him away".

He's going to be in even further in denial now he's decided to get married to his old flame, so I honestly don't think you'll get any truthful answers from him just yet.

In these situations, what I recommend you do, is to work out when contact was resumed with this woman on FB and recall precisely, using key events as milestones, how your relationship really was just before he made contact with her.

IME, betrayed partners who do this timeline, discover that it was the affair that caused any distancing and unhappiness and that this was created entirely by the person having the affair.

Don't let anyone take away your truth or your more accurate memories. But remember that whenever human beings do something that they believe to be fundamentally wrong, they have to find an excuse for it. The weakest characters tend to believe their own lies and so what you are seeing is simply a huge dollop of history re-writing. How else can he defend having an affair and leaving you, his 5 year old and a 5 week old baby, for an OW?

Once you work out that there was nothing about you or your relationship (this was all about him) AND you reclaim your more truthful memories, you might feel a little better.

However, you are only 4 months in from a massive bereavement, so do consider getting some counselling to help you process your feelings.

WRT his intended marriage, unfortunately affairs with old flames tend to be the most intoxicating of all and of all affairs, tend to become the longest-lasting relationships. However, given that he has already walked away from one family and exited via the infidelity route, his OW will always wonder when it will be her next, especially if they have children and she becomes vulnerable like you were, when you were pregnant. Likewise, if she left her own relationship to be with him, he might be forever looking over his shoulder too.

Concentrate on you and your lovely family, but don't let him rob from you, more than he has already. Don't let him take away your truth too.

Oh sweetheart - this is about him, not you. His excuse for the relationship failure is just that an excuse, something to say. I agree you need clousre but you will not get it via this man. He would not have left like he did if he felt abole to talk.
You need some counselling and support to get the closure.

I am deeply suspicious when someone moves on so quickly after a relationship has ended. To form a lasting committment with someone takes years - at least 2. He is rushing this and I suspect will get a wake-up..after the wedding. I hope by that time you have moved on - feeling strong and will look back on this time knowing you have learnt something about yourself and him.
He was not the man for you - there is someone out there wanting to cherish you - who thinks you are the best..Just see, it will happen

I think doing what WWIFN says is a far more effective way of getting answers, as I do not think he'll be honest with you WWIFN speaks sense.