Why is she better than me...???

[singlemum2]

My ex (Fiancé) just announced he is getting married next year in May....I am feeling sick and cant stop crying. Am completely distraught. We were planning to get married OURSELVES in September next year. This is so so upsetting.

A little bit of background. We had our second child 5 months ago. He left us when DD was only 5 weeks old. He left me for this woman he dated back in 1992. They got in touch after years through facebook!
I love this arse and am trying so hard to move on but news like this bring me right down to where I was three months ago.
I reacted to the news quite normal. Didn?t show any emotions to him. But as soon as he left with our DS i started crying. I want to confront him when he gets back. Ask why. I wana know why he doesn?t love me any more, I want to know what I have done wrong. All these years we were together, He was always sayin I am the only one for him, he only loves me and will only ever marry me if ever gets married. I wana know whats changed. Is IT WISE TALKIN TO HIM? Or I shall i just grit my teeth and get on with it. It is so painful though. I wana know what she?s got that I haven?t. He [promised we be together forever!!!
Please help, please make me feel better...

Thank you all so much for your kind replies. I did go ahead and asked few questions, just couldn?t help myself and got no answers whatsoever. He can?t even say he doesn?t love me anymore, he can?t look in my face and say I walked out on you because...
Even though I did question him, I am proud of myself as didn?t get hysterical, didn?t cry, stayed calm and tried to talk to him like to a friend. He got all defensive and turned it back on me. Threw in my face that I considered abortion with the second one. Said you ?tried to kill my baby? (THE BABY DOESNT EVEN KNOW HIM AND WAS SCREAMING EVERY TIME HE PICKED HER UP), ?it is impossible to live with you?. I did consider it but never done it and my little girl means the world to me. How dares he !!! Then further into a conversation I advised him that i do not agree for him to have our DS overnight, let alone the baby, and told him that he will have to go to court if he wants them overnight that badly. His answer was, well I will go to court and CAN AFFORD IT ( he has nothing this man, not even a descent car, rents a room out of his mate?s and has no savings) l then replied that he has nothing and has no chance in court ( he has a history of domestic violence, drug abuse, been to psychiatric unit twice over the last 10 years, drink driving and has two other children whom he?s not seen for the past 6 years), he said that she is quite rich and can pay for that.
He is such a looser, I cant believe I am still crying after him. I am so stupid, I know I am better of without him and so are my kids. But why cant he just say that he doesn?t love me. Why is it so important for me to hear it. When will it feel normal. Will I ever detach from him???

I just re-read what i wrote, hope it all makes sense, sorry but am still very upset and dont seem to be able to get myself together.

I think you should talk to Womens Aid tomorrow tbh. They can advise about contact arrangement and his rights considering his history with dv

I'm afraid I think you and the children are better off without him after your last big post.

I am 30 and he is 36.

I am currently doing CBT(cognitive behaviour therapy) and might be able to start counselling from jan. Long waiting list on NHS. CBT isnt helping me very much though. And today it feels that I am right back in square one. Oh feel so low.

It makes sense but seriously sweetie... this guy sounds like a complete loser. You are best rid. History of domestic violence? Ever known a leopard to change his spots?

It is a shame you couldn't hold back. You don't feel any better for it and it seems like you are now even more upset. Holding his children from him though to punish him is not the right thing to do if your DS has a good relationship with him because your children are not weapons in your split. Although since he hasn't got a home of his own it is not unreasonable for you to say no to him keeping them overnight as long as you are allowing access at other times. Previous advice that said you should use someone as a go between for the two of you is really good advice. You need non contact time for you to heal but your son needs consistency and if he loves his dad you don't want to be the one to come between them.

I hope you feel better soon and can be strong for your children. This man doesn't deserve you.

He won't say he doesn't love you so that when it goes tits up with the new woman, he can run back to you saying 'oh but I always loved you'.
He's keeping his options open.

And I don't think for a moment, that his new woman will want to chuck her money at a court case for kids that aren't hers, especially if its just for overnighters when he can see them during the day!!

singlemum2 you definately deserve better,someone who ups and leaves you when you have a baby and another child IS NOT the love of your life,cut him loose and you will do yourself a favour,i know right now its hard to concentrate but try for the sake of your babies,,i was so heartbroken sometime in the past,the man i thought was the love of my life was just toying with me,,when i finally got the courage to ask him if he was going to marry me,his response was yes he would get married one day,but not to me,i packed my bags a few weeks later,moved to another country,and started a new life for myself,

he could not believe that i had done it,demanded answers,why i had moved without saying anything,lets just say he took it really bad and wanted me back,i didn't go back,and now married to the most amazing man alive,i can't help but call myself a fool for having shed my precious tears on a selfish son of a gun,and i thanked him for not commiting to me,and he married an anaconda,still regrets it to this day 10yrs later,,let him go,the real true love of your life is on the way,show him you are strong and he will wonder if you loved him at all,,then come here on MN and cry it out,we are here for you,,so sorry that you are going through this.

Do you have notes from your cbt or workbooks/relaxation cd, now might be the time to get them out.
Its perfectly natural to have questions about this and too feel bloody hurt, so don't beat yourself up about it.

he has nothing this man, not even a descent car, rents a room out of his mate?s and has no savings he has a history of domestic violence, drug abuse, been to psychiatric unit twice over the last 10 years, drink driving and has two other children whom he?s not seen for the past 6 years, he said that she is quite rich and can pay for that.

A] you are better off without this pathetic excuse of a "man"

B] he wants her for her money

and she is Not better than you-

What you have now is a golden opportunaity to work on sorting out your self esteem and your boundaries and turning yourself into a strong happy person who will wonder what the *fuck( she ever saw in this tosspot in the first place. A scrounging, violent cocklodger? You are so better off without him.

It sounds to me that you are mourning the loss of the dream of a happy lasting marriage to him. Lets face it, based on his past history and the way he is behaving now he is not really worth the grief and anger. However, the fact that he has shit on your hopes and dreams is really sad and I feel for you. I know it is hard but this is a chance to build your future based on solid ground rather than pinning your hopes on an unreliable self centered whining git.

Imagine your DD is a young woman, and comes to you telling you all this.

What would you say to her?

He's an awful awful man. Bin him.

Morning guys. Thank you again for all your kind words. I agree with every single comment. I know he is a selfish bastard, I know that I am better off without him, I just cant see myself moving on...It is so hard to accept that he doesn't love me any more and doesn't want to be with us. I was doing quite welll untill yesterday when he dropped this news on me. I guess deep down I was hopin for him to come back to me and say that he does love me and wants to work on our relationship. He never did it before and we had split for over a year when our DS was two. He was constantly on drugs then and was drunk more than he was sober. So i kicked him out and said get yourself sorted and come back to us. He ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a while and then found himself a gfnd who he used for a year and then we got back together. And we were doing so well, he proposed in Feb and we were planning the wedding. And then in May this year , he got in touch with this woman and left us in August. Surely it must be me!!!He seems so happy and in love atm, dont think he takes drugs or drink. So if he can be nice to her, why couldnt he stay with us and be father to our children and a husband to me??? He really was fine ( no drugs and occassional drink) over the past year. I MUST HAVE PUSHED HIM AWAY. I wish he wanted to be honest with me. How to forget the guilt that is just in my head and wont go away. I think about him, us every day, have problems sleeping and am very low most of the time. Will i ever be able too look at him and feel nothing absolutely nothing???Please ladies tell me how you coped and got through it????

I think you may find this book very helpful.

Your relationship doesn't sound healthy and you deserve better tbh.

How is this OW possibly better than you? She was party to a man decieving and then leaving his partner and 2 children. They are both idiots if they think this relationship will work out. As for closure, I think you have to accept that sometimes you never get it. It's harsh and from reading your posts there's lots you want answers to but you may never get them.

I reckon these two will get their just desserts and I wouldn't be surprised if he came back with his tail between his legs. At that point you'll be able to tell him to sling it - and that feeling will be priceless x

Look, honestly, something else went wrong in your life before you met this dickhead, something happened that conditioned you to believe that such a complete fucking loser was actually worth 'loving'. He's an addict, dishonest, scrounging and violent. WTF is there to love about such a person? Were you taught that it's woman's duty to 'rescue' and care for fucked up people? Or that you don't deserve any better than a knob like this and therefore should be prepared to do anything to keep a man, however horrible, in your life?

Gold brass, has a point, you sound like you have lost the partner, best mate, father of your children, been rejected, lied to, cheated on and on top of it lost the person you rescue.... what was the past like for you?

I had the same thing happen to me, ex left for ow, he later married her, guess what, she had a messed up childhood just as I had... he was functioning not to badly when he was with me and he went totally down hill when he got with her... they are still together years later, he still rejects the kids and we still live with that rejection and worthlessness, as I did not have a good grounding in the first place to deal with the rejection again.

counselling is a good way to go!

I wish you well x x x

You will just keep torturing yourself everytime you ask him for answers to why, why, why. You will probably never get a straight answer, a truthful answer.

The brutal truth is - he moved on. And you have not been able to emotionally.

The thing is - you have to keep thinking about the reality of what he has done to you.

Is there anyone who could hand over dc to him so you don't have to see him for a while? Maybe you need to go 'cold turkey' on seeing him - to look after yourself.

I have done the why, why, why thing myself. It ends up becoming almost like a self-destructive drug you can't let go of.

Have you been in previous long-term relationships? I am in an unhealthy marriage myself. I have kept trying and not letting it go for years. Before that, I had another bad relationship - so I went from one bad one to the other.

You need to work on your self-esteem, read books other poster recommend, and when your self-esteem, self-belief, self-worth are higher, you will want better for yourself than your ex-partner was.

So what you're saying is that you were in a relationship with a man who abused drugs and drink, was violent, has no contact with the children he sired before he met you, wasted no time "using" a different woman when you kicked him out last time, but the thing you're having most difficulty with is that he was unfaithful to you, put the blame onto you for his infidelity and has now persuaded a woman with more money than sense, that she should make her assets vulnerable by marrying this complete tosser?

If you were emotionally healthy, as Mummie and SBG have suggested, you would have never accepted a relationship like this. It wouldn't have taken him leaving you, to exit this relationship. Your boundaries about acceptable treatment would have kicked in long ago.

However, there is hope here. You were once sufficiently healthy to enforce those boundaries and end the relationship. Try and tap into what kept you strong then and remember what motivated you to do that difficult thing.

Get some therapy to unravel why you have let this man have so much power in your life and what shaped you in the past to allow it to happen.

Your goal (and I've no doubt you'll get there with the right help) is to laugh like a drain that you escaped marrying this man and signing away your freedom. That particular delight awaits an OW, who will be right now bargaining away the same sort of damning evidence that you once did, until she picks up the bill.

You are the lucky one, not her.

A BAD/IRRESPONSIBLE person will always find an reason; but it always reflects on someone else; never themselves.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's all about HIM.

You've heard the 'phrase "marry in haste, repent at leisure". Well he's done that with his new woman.

They're both fools.
Her more than him, because he will leave her when she is also vulnerable.
She's more to be pitied; because she doesn't have the sense to understand that she is stupid.

He's got history/form.

She's not better than you; she's just stupid enough to believe his crap.

Our relationship was always turbulent, it was never stable or healthy. I always blamed drugs and alcohol, but never HIM. He always blamed me and could never understand why i kicked him out and never helped. But the facts are that I did try to help went to GP with him asked for help. But it was all me trying to get him straight, he never really wanted that so I had to protect my son and myself and got rid of him. Had no physical contact with him whatsoever for over a year but he was ALWAYS IN MY HEAD, hoping he will come back to us. And then I got in touch, sent him a message....I just want to move on, I really do but just dont know how do it!!
He is the first man I have been so attached to. My first LOVE however was also a big disappointment and could never commit to me. He finished with me by moving away to a different town. That was it, never got any answers from him either. Perhaps this is the reason why I am finding it so difficult to let go.