Manchild tantrum.

[manchildmum]

Ok so a bit of background. From my POV things have been very strained for a long time in our marriage.

I have relocated due to DH career leaving friends/family behind, I also have not had a chance to have any time to do anything for myself, nothing, no evening courses, no social events, nothing I am losing myself and my only trips out of the house are school runs, I joke not.

I'm so resentful of him, he has this career, the qualifications, the trips away, I have nothing. My kids are not nothing but I don't know who I am anymore.

As a couple sex is mainly for his benefit, I enjoy it but he does not really do it for me, in that it's all very aimed at his pleasure and that's all.

We have never spent a night by ourselves since our wedding night, I kid not. Last time we went out as a couple was 13 months ago for a few hours, I joke not.

Ok childcare is hard for us but it's not impossible, he always makes excuses, he'd sit at home all night on the net, every day if he could.

Big birthday for me coming up, his job will get in the way and that's his doing, he has made no effort to arrange anything, he thinks if he takes me out for an hour that will suffice. I have arranged back up plans to do things instead so now he thinks he does not have to do anything.

I am the one being selfish here apparently, maybe I am, but he won't listen, I feel dead inside I don't have any social life outside the house and the one adult I have daily contact with, we don't do anything.

It's reached a point where I can't continue in this relationship as it stands, I have reached my breaking point.

Today I tried to talk to him and he trashed loads of his stuff, threw things around the bedroom, saying I'd be happy if he had nothing, he'd trash all his stuff as I have taken everything, his money etc, we also have a new baby which he pushed for, (I know).

I just don't know where to turn, my HV is a good start I think. I just can't live like it anymore, it's so draining emotionally and I am running on empty. Either the relationship changes drastically or I have to leave for my own sanity.

Where abouts down south?
Find every toddler group going and be brave and chat to people you can make new friends that way. Do you have class reps at school? If not suggest it, they do the communication between PTA and the rest of the class and much more importantly arrange Mum's nights outs.........or coffee and cake sales in your house.

Just another way of networking to start building up some friendships....

I lived abroad with all of this for 3 years. I literally had no-body for months and never left the house.

DS is 5 in December, I went out in the evening without him for the first time this summer. I have not been out with H yet. I arranged a night, but he felt I wasn't worth a market, a meal AND a film...

Oh he is SOOO going to be history, he doesn't matter to me at all.

He is abusive, as is your OH. What he is doing is not right, and you have every right to be upset. Every right.

I am slowly making friends, totally unsupported by you-know-who of course, and I've given up and in fact don't WANT to go out with him now.

I'm in North Hampshire if that is of any use to you.

Why do these clowns never get it that if they treat us like shit, we are not going to want to shag them...

That's not rocket science is it?

LMHS, it all happened to me in a different country too. Isolation is horrible, but when you start getting your head above water, so to speak, you feel stronger.

Hi Manchildmum,
Sorry you are going through this.

It is a rude reality to realize that our happiness doesn't matter to our dhs and we have to shift our expectations from what we thought was a basic given.

One of the previous posters suggested that knowing the vocabulary of abuse helps identify and deal with what is going on is right.

"Second-guessing"-I think his comment of you being "too thin" (or even "too fat" for that matter) is said to make you doubt yourself more that the actual content of the statement.

His buying a load of food to sabatoge your diet is mean and I hope you didn't touch one single crumb of it. That is a manipulation for you to prove that you are weak willed; a puppet.

"Nice-nice" is what I call the being nice as you wrote about. It is being nice with an agenda. This is tricky and hard to believe until/unless the complete context is known-(thus friends (if any ) and extended family sometimes act incredulous at its suggestion). For example, in my experience with my npd sister, her ott generosity was actually her buying a license to keep me subordinate. Basically, she created the circumstance that I owed her, therefore she had the moral high ground.

Nice-nice from your dh, OP, may be due to the fact that he may indeed start to see that he is on thin ice here and wants to gloss things over. These can only be temporary, imho. It is amazing that he still slipped in a couple of degradations about your weight and inadequate sex life.

I suggest not telling him your plans. His pattern is to not support you, but to second-guess you to manipulate you to not do what you want (whatever it is, doesn't matter)-that is him having power over you. You do not need his permission to do what you need or want to do. Inform him as a courtesy if he is to be childminder (find a backup in case he says no), but you are not asking permission.

"If only you will move again..." if it isn't to a tropical paradise, I'd tell him the only place you'd move to again is back home.

I second TooManyStuffedBear's advice about keeping him in the dark about your plans and activities, or he will sabotage them. It is giving him an open invitation to throw a spanner in the works.

Yes, the idea of moving is in his mind because he knows this keeps you of balance. Is he hinting that there will be another move somewhere in the future? Try to ignore the possibility and put down your roots as deeply as you can where you are.

OP I am south as well if you fancy a meet up. I lived for seven years with an H like yours. I never even realised I was being abused until summer this year. We split up ten years ago. I have started having flashbacks etc and am currently off work so could also use some company if you are near me. Your H is definitely emotionally abusing you. He is probably being nice because he can sense you are upset. These abusers are certainly good at keeping women feeling crap, I have to give them that they are sad excuses of human beings.

As one of the posters has said once you start regaining control they get nastier, this is what my exh has started doing. Good on you for plucking up the courage to post and to realise that you can reclaim your life back. I just wish ten years ago I had known about my situation and about mumsnet. I am sure you will enjoy the babygroup on Thursday

hey manchildmum - down south? anywhere near plymouth? if you are theres tons of activities you can do with wee babies - sounds like you needs some friends - most mums gas on about their babies interspersed with moaning about their husbands my dh works away all the flipping time i HAD to get myself back out there and make friends

drop me a line if you're near me and don't want to out yourself. its my username at yahoo. com

Don't forget manchild, if you want to contact any of us, click the message poster link next to their name.

Isolation is in itself a torture, for a woman to uproot herself to another town is a huge task, and can really only be successful if the H is utterly supportive and plans for additional support to be in place for his W.

This paragraph is for normal men. Insecure, immature and abusive men go for this different option.

Despite all of the literal cruelties that I have suffered, himself STILL thinks I was unreasonable to be unhappy. That my 'moaning' was unjustified and that I therefore deserved his violent and abusive tirades, his relentless humiliation of me. He either just doesn't get it, or refuses to do so, cos of what it would prove him to be.

manchildmum, you know where I am, you are not alone now.

I am stronger, oh so much stronger, Himself doesn't know what hit him tbh. I take no shit anymore. I don't defend him anymore either. I let him have it, I don't tell others off for saying anything.

Not when I heard what he told my best friend's H about me. I don't need to tell lies to make him look bad. I only need tell the truth.

I'm quite near North Hants.

Well I didn't come back last night as I spent a lot of time on the phone to my family. I have 2 family members that are aware now of my situation. I know they will be bias anyhow but they see my point and are angry for me.

They know things need to change for me, they are worried I think, they said it seems I have no life. My brother thinks he is controlling.

He is getting nastier I think, everytime I say I am not ok with us when he asks, I am a selfish bitch, I should get out of his house, get out of his sight and I am the controlling one by saying I am unhappy and want out if things don't change.

I never got to the HV today as he was off, and wanted to do things as a family and I am not going to rock the boat now. She is coming tomorrow anyway and I will go next weds. I don't want him to know anymore than he has too.

I despise him right now tbh, it's not hurtful anymore, the comments don't hurt me, that's how I think he knows deep down it's all changed.

I am just so sick and tired of it all, I don't have the energy to be tired anymore. He is a bully and a nasty man.

I have no friends, no near by family, all because of his fucking job and his progress.

I am called a bitch, screamed at during my pregnancy, made to feel like a bad mum and cow for wanting me time and some love and attention from my husband.

I am just going to keep pushing and pushing and I will get out of here, soon. It's timing it and building links here first.

Yes he wants to move again for a new job, he thinks somehow this will be for my benefit and if I refuse to go he will divorce me. I don't bloody care tbh anymore.

I'm so glad you opened up to your family. At least now you are not so alone in RL.

Do you own the house you live in? If you are married then you own that house too. Don't let him bully you out of it.

Have you tried women's aid? Why not, after speaking to your HV, make an appointment with the CAB, and see what you would be entitled to in terms of settlement, benefits, help and assistance. Women's Aid can help you too.

You need to find something to get you out of the house. Have you tried NCT meets? I sometimes go to them just for some time with humans above the age of 5.

They do panic when you stop reacting, stop flinching and begging them not to be nasty, it actually robs them of their power.

It's the only way i learned to get though the last couple of years, and I'll ride it out until he has gone.

If he wants to get a job, great, he can go and get one, if you don't want to move, don't. Tell him to divorce you and you'll keep the house....

Good luck with HV tomorrow. Send me a message to my inbox if you would like to.

You know it's nice to read in your posts that you have plans, that you have motivation. You may be down but you are not out. You will continue to get great advice here re: the emotional abuse.

I just wanted to say that Volunteering was a life-saver for me when I was feeling down and bored. It dosn't have to be stereotypical things like charity shops. This website is a good place to start www.do-it.org.uk. Now might not be the right time, but I thought I'd mention it

Emotional abuse my arse, this man is abusive end of. The fact that he starts smashing the house up when you try to tell him you are unhappy is an intimidation tactic - next time, he will smash your belongings, too. I bet the other signs are there too - does he bump into you, quite hard, quite often? Tread on your feet 'accidentally'? If not, that will start soon. Then the beating.
Sorry but men like this don't change, don;t waste a second on wondering if couple-counselling will help: it won't. He thinks you're a possession, there to do the housework and childcare, oh and for him to have sex on top of when he feels like it. Talk to your HV, talk to WA, start planning to get rid. You can do it. Best of luck.

manchildmum did you tell him you were due to see the HV today? Just wondered if he planned to be around and have "family time" to stop you going to see her?

That crossed my mind too Malinkey.

It's important to play your cards very close to your chest. This man is not your friend by any definition of the term.

Well I didnt say, so don't know if he over heard. Anyway will see her twice next week the home visit she deliberately did not say what day.

I know the score now and it's definately warped views. As he his doing his " nice" thing right now, but it's not.

He said to me, it's all for me, the lifestyle, the job and because he cares. He said that sometimes I should just be the submissive wife and let him make the decisions and take care of it all as he knows best and its his job. He used the word submissive btw I haven't added it for effect.

He said I should treat myself to the salon over the weekend and go back to being the sexy housewife I used to be

Last week I would have thought he was being nice, now I'm just annoyed. But am playing the slow game.

manchild

He really is a throwback isn't he. What's the plan now then? He sounds so creepy "submissive wife" ugh - how did you respond?

Congratulations on not whalloping him for the "submissive wife" comment.

Do you rent your home? If you do let him accept the job etc etc and let him move ahead of you to choose the best house etc etc and then never follow!!

Or if you own suggest that you rent in the new area and wait out the drop in housing prices. Much easier financially if you don't actually own a house and are renting.

Speak to womans aid and find out about their services in your area incase you start to crack and need a quick exit.

Wishing you strength and a fantastic HV!

He is a classic abuser type see here

The being nice tactic is called "hoovering" and it is described right here

Leave this dreadful man, my friend's husband was just like this, always saying she had "taken all his money" while driving round in a £100k car. He also went violent if she tried to talk to him as well. She divorced him, luckily he was such a loon he made a complete twit of himself in court saying what a bad mother she was as sometimes her lipstick wasn't put on properly...!
He was obsessed with his career and being the big man all the time. He had no friends and didn't want his wife to have any either.

Yes, keep planning your exit but don't let him in on your plans. If possible, awful though it is, be sweetly co-operative while you put your plans in place. Because men like this are dangerous and get more so when they realise that actually you don't worship the mighty penis and are planning to leave.
There's no fixing this relationship BTW: this man's conviction that women are less than human - and therefore he is entitled to control and punish you and do anything he likes - is too deep-rooted to change.

He is on a massive ego trip, with his suggestion that you go and get yourself dolled up (all for his benefit).

SEBG is right about the danger. They can go ballistic and in a very cool and well thought out manner. And about the depths of the ugliness that's there and the impossibility of changing it.

The getting dolled up comment is absolutely mad, you get dolled up when you want to and feel like it - not because of him. These narcs are seriously unbelievable, throws me back about 13 years ago when exh flew into a rage because he had come home from work and I hadn't had a bath yet. He went ballistic telling me that I should make an effort to look pretty for my man when I know he is coming back from work. I was strong enough to tell him that I would never do that and would bath when I wanted to and if I wanted to......................but subconsciously you take it on board

So 5 days on, I am doing the nicey approach and god it's hard.

Had sex with him and it was the usual shit turn over whilst I pound away and not even look at you until I come crap he usually gives out.

I need to avoid this with him now as it's soul destroying, luckily I have a good excuse now.

A lot has gone on this week so haven't had time to come back. I am more restricted to the house than ever at the moment, I am not well and my car is in the garage so i can't get out to meets . Just as I'd got the courage to get out.

Anyway, I have just spent the evening by myself, whilst he sleeps upstairs. So now I don't even get the grace of his presence at night.

He has been having half days at work too, so it's not like he is working a full day and up with the baby...

I am exhausted and have taken ill with a post natal infection and I feel shit, but I have been up whilst he rests.......and I just told him I'm pretty angry and it's MY, yes MY fault he has slept in, I am really horrible, I have fucked his clock up, it's all MY fault and my stupid fucking games What that he couldn't get his lazy ass out of bed .

He can't understand why I let him sleep in, I must be up to something.

He never asked me to get him up, I am expected to know he wanted waking and what time. So I'm his mum as well now.

The more time I spend with him, the more angry and detatched I get, but I will keep focus and all the nicey crap for now, it's hard though!

On the bright side my HV is coming tomorrow, I am looking forward to that, must keep going and remembering what an absolute cock he is

Oh the icing on the cake. "I did a really good job of the housework today, but then I fuck him off like that and now he is really angry" he just said that to me. I am a spiteful bitch, for not waking him up as I am supposed to know he hadn't gone to bed.

He was pleased with my housework (which I have crippled myself doing btw) he is pleased and now I have made him very angry and fucked him off, wtf.

Words cannot decribe how much I really hate him tbh, I am so glad I'll be out of it this time next year.

I have some ideas I'll swing pass you later, I'm going before he asks what I'm doing on here.

OMG.

Very sad to see all of that. Please take the best care of yourself that you possibly can and forget about killing yourself doing housework -- you need to recover from the infection.