Manchild tantrum.

[manchildmum]

Ok so a bit of background. From my POV things have been very strained for a long time in our marriage.

I have relocated due to DH career leaving friends/family behind, I also have not had a chance to have any time to do anything for myself, nothing, no evening courses, no social events, nothing I am losing myself and my only trips out of the house are school runs, I joke not.

I'm so resentful of him, he has this career, the qualifications, the trips away, I have nothing. My kids are not nothing but I don't know who I am anymore.

As a couple sex is mainly for his benefit, I enjoy it but he does not really do it for me, in that it's all very aimed at his pleasure and that's all.

We have never spent a night by ourselves since our wedding night, I kid not. Last time we went out as a couple was 13 months ago for a few hours, I joke not.

Ok childcare is hard for us but it's not impossible, he always makes excuses, he'd sit at home all night on the net, every day if he could.

Big birthday for me coming up, his job will get in the way and that's his doing, he has made no effort to arrange anything, he thinks if he takes me out for an hour that will suffice. I have arranged back up plans to do things instead so now he thinks he does not have to do anything.

I am the one being selfish here apparently, maybe I am, but he won't listen, I feel dead inside I don't have any social life outside the house and the one adult I have daily contact with, we don't do anything.

It's reached a point where I can't continue in this relationship as it stands, I have reached my breaking point.

Today I tried to talk to him and he trashed loads of his stuff, threw things around the bedroom, saying I'd be happy if he had nothing, he'd trash all his stuff as I have taken everything, his money etc, we also have a new baby which he pushed for, (I know).

I just don't know where to turn, my HV is a good start I think. I just can't live like it anymore, it's so draining emotionally and I am running on empty. Either the relationship changes drastically or I have to leave for my own sanity.

I'm not very good with relationship advice, I'm afraid, but if you are frustrated and fed up could you get to some gym classes a couple of times a week?

My DH is often knackered in the evenings and not much company, which used to frustrate me as sometimes, like you, I hadn't spoken to another adult all day, and don't have any really good friends nearby. I go to classes Tues, wed and thurs, as he is usually in to watch the children- means he can chil out and watch his crap on the TV and I get 1 glorious hour of being myself- no kids, no DH. I do attack, combat and spin, and I feel so much better for it. I've gotten friendly with a lot of the other regulars too, so get a wee chat before and after classes too. I feel stronger and more "me"- it's something I've found really important to my general happiness (which I know sounds a bit odd, but all that punching and kicking releases a lot of tension- try it!)

Jooly - it doesn't sound like this H would cooperate with the OP doing this. Look after the DCs three nights a week while she has fun and gets fit? I'd be very surprised if he didn't sabotage it.

OP - Just wondering if there's any chance that he has monitoring software on your computer? Strange that the day you decide to go out he is suddenly off work and there.

Wish you strength to get well - the car will be fixed and you will feel better and be able to get out and to those baby groups that you planned.

The sex sounds soul destroying. Was it always this way?

I know people say that we shout narcissist too often on this forums but this blaming you for everything is certainly a narcissistic trait - so do read the NPD threads that Maths linked to.

I'm also wondering about the computer.

How are you feeling today?

I am ok. I don't know about the PC, I think he just thinks something is up and is wanting to be a round more to "help".

Went to bed last night after baby went to sleep 1ish and he kept on and on and on trying to intiate sex. Ok for him he'd just had stacks of sleep! I gave in just to get some sleep not the best idea considering I really shouldn't be having sex the state my scar is in.

Had adult conversations today though in RL, so I am happy it's nice to talk to other people even if it is the HV, or the neighbour when popping the bin out

I'm sat here on the laptop, he is on the pc we are ignoring each other as usual.

I do wonder how it got to this you know. Whether all this drifting apart actually caused us to resent each other in some form.

Very about all the 'non-consensual sex' you seem to be having. Please talk to your HV when you get a chance about this. And really too that he thinks it's ok to badger you for sex at 1 am, and you with an infection: this is really assault, a power play on his part.

Can you talk with Women's Aid about this?

Some people (your H for example) are not capable of having a relationship with another adult where there is mutuality and give and take. This is what drove you apart. It's very possible he just has a hunch something is up. People like this seem to have extra strong radar for hints of revolution among the serfs.

How old is your new baby? You said your scar was in a bit of a state? Angry for you that he still thinks he should have sex when you are not recovered post-op? (caesarian)?

4 weeks and yes a c-section.

Been pondering this today, I can pin it back to when it all started. My pregnancy before last.

He was screwing around on the net, making a fake facebook account to stalk women and I do believe he got to close to a colleague. I can't prove anything though. I lost all respect for him at that time but I couldn't go I was too ill and very vunerable.

I think at that moment in time he also lost respect for me as had I been well and not pregnant he would have been gone.

He changed from then on in, treating me like dirt, being abusive, and just very nasty, something in him changed as well as me. Maybe it was because I pulled him up on it and pointed out his errors.

Either way it is what it is now. I suspect he maybe messing around again though. Always going to the toilet to use the phone, more hateful than usual, more distant than usual, more time on the net on forums...

I don't care anyway anymore the plan is to just get on with it, tell him to go for the job he wants to apply for but he moves first.

He finds a house, schools etc, lovely nice fresh start and I don't follow him. Cowards way out but it's what is going to work easiest for me and the children.

Will look at the NPD thread tonight.

something in him changed as well as me. Maybe it was because I pulled him up on it and pointed out his errors.

Maybe. Or it could have been your first pregnancy that triggered it. They often seem to be set off by the increased vulnerability that comes with pregnancy & baby. Glad you're going to visit the NPD threads.

Well done on starting to make plans. Keep putting yourself (and DCs) first!

There is no way he should be trying to have sex with you until at least six weeks post partum. I'm horrified. Are you still bleeding? Please talk to your HV about this.

It sounds as if he has demonised you in order to justify whatever trawling for women he is doing.

"Whatever", as you rightly say -- he's a jerk and you are right to focus on you and focus on your next move. It doesn't really matter what led up to all of this. What matters is that you build up your determination to break free.

Don't let him pressurise you into sex if that is what is happening. Treating someone like a functional object there for his needs being met, rather than a human being recovering from a major operation. That's why they say six weeks before driving etc.. when you have had a caesarian. Your recovery is paramount both for yourself and to be able to look after children. Think what is best for 'your' well-being. You are the one that had the operation, not him.

Still bleeding on and off, I think it's stopped but then it hasn't.

People and the dr's are so much more casual now than even 2 years ago. There is no ban on driving for 6 weeks anymore, just when you feel comfortable and off pain relief.

But I know I am doing to much as one minute I feel physically fit, the next minute floored totally and yeah it is a big op, it was for me it took a lot longer than usual due to issues. But my scar looked ok, felt ok it's now not so I have said no sex, if he pressurises me I'll just walk off until he gets the message/goes to sleep.

Seeing my HV mon getting a couple of home visits a week at the moment. As even if I had my car, I couldn't go anywhere as I am back on pain relief etc.

Anyway I have gone upstairs out the way as I am exhausted and don't feel well so have told him I'm going to bed with the baby to rest he didn't have much choice but to agree really. So I am going to get some much needed sleep will read the rest of NPD tonight.

Take care of yourself, get as much rest as possible. I know how hard it is, from my experience, to deal with what you are dealing with after recovering from caesarian etc. Your health comes before his.

There's no way he should get to agree or disagree with you going upstairs to sleep . You don't need permission to have a rest four weeks after having a caesarian.

He is a brute. A prize caveman.

I absolutely FUCKING HATE HIM, I need to write it all here so I remember what a prize tosser he is come the divorce.

It all came spilling out again, he is furious I dare share my worries with other people and "slag" him off to my family. I have ruined the relationship as nothing is secret anymore, I have shared everything.

Well he tried to make it up this morning you guessed it with crap sex.

Damn right I need support from my family when he gets me in tears again. He knows insulting me won't work so he is using the kids as a weapon now.

Refusing to drive me to the kids school thing, refusing this week to drive one of them to the dr's (he did that right before the appt), he did in the end as he new the HV would ask questions, refusing now to drive to the babies Christening. Like to see him explain that one to his family, I fucking will.

I fucking hate him, what an arsehole making the kids suffer now because he is a shithead.

I said why would you do that, as a dad why would you use the children as weapons, why would you make them suffer when it's me you have the issue with.

His reply was, because of you, it's your fault they are missing out, I won't take them and spend hours out of my day ferrying around the kids to help you when you are treating me like shit.

So that seals it then as if it wasn't before, he is a prize arsehole with no redeeming features. Not only is he a twat, a shit husband, he is also a shit dad. What kind of man punishes his children and sees them miss out as he is unhappy with his wife and feels justified in doing so.

Do you know what, I am thinking do I want to put up with months of this until I can go, or shall I just do it, scrape some money from the joint funds and just find a rental and go?

Sorry for the swearing I am so cross and really need to vent, not usually my style

OP I am seething at your brute of a husband. How dare he force himself on you like that? You need to get out NOW OP, do not wait around and be destroyed any further by him. The fact he is now punishing the children shows even more what a lowlife he is. Keep posting and start planning your exit. You can't and shouldn't live like that

I don't have anything to add really as I am in a similar situation, except I have one DC and am pregnant with DC2 (I know!). (i've namechanged as I'm so ashamed).

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and will be watching this thread to see how you get on.
I am hoping to leave my situation in the new year too.

Best of luck x

Manchildmum, please call Women's Aid

0808 2000 247

Or Refuge -- actually the phone number is the national domestic abuse hot line number but you will need a local number for your area, referral to any support that's available.

Call your HV whenever you can and tell her everything ans ask for her help too.

If he is furious about telling your worries to other people does this mean your RL friends or MN? Despite this, round up all the RL help you can find.

I would be very inclined to leave sooner rather than later. However, please speak to Women's Aid/ Refuge and your CAB about how to go about this and get help making it happen.

If he raises a hand to you or threatens you or the children do not hesitate to call the police.

(And I think this is is where all this is heading because he has the idea that he can punish you, he seems completely cold towards the children, and he also sees sex as something that happens for his benefit and in a complete vacuum, not part of a healthy relationship).

I am leaving, before Christmas as I want to get out asap and I admit stick the knife in with him.

I have spoke to womans aid and they advised to go down the private rental route as I can afford it, I will be taking my joint savings with me.

Latest examples, he walks in the door, moaning at me trying to pin blame on me for eveything, yeah, yeah.

I was just told today as I phoned up the DR in agony, I'd have to be refererd back to gyne for possible surgery as it feels like my tummy is getting worse not better and scar tissue maybe healing where it's not supposed to . He doesn't know this as when he walked in the door, he tried to pin all his days woes on me and have ago.

Not at all comfortable I was sat on the toilet in tears last night as I also get aftershocks when I wee. No doubt not helped by the shitty sex he has made me endure since I got out of hospital.

Guess who is upstairs resting as he has a cold, last night I was told to stop snivelling and get over my tummy pain as I had a cold.

So one day he will be coming home from work to find this house empty. I have been offered support to get out and find the right rental.

I hope he chokes on his Christmas dinner this year and good luck to the poor cow who ends up with this abusive prick next.

I am going to make sure he pays through the courts for what he is doing to me and no other woman will ever be under the illusion of what he is like.

Wish I'd have known about the red flags thing when I met him, grand gestures of love, flowers, attention etc all bollocks as when the time came he was nothing but a cheat and a liar and when I pulled him on it, then started the abuse because I dare question him, utter prick.

I agree with Dignified.. . .your dp is an emotional abuser.
Me Ex was the same. Tantrums etc and temper.
Its all to put you on the back foot and intimidate you.
Stay strong, stick up for yourself and your feelings.
He doesnt deserve you , you are too dam nice.

Good for you MCM , do it.

U are very brave and strong and kind.
You have dignity and self respect . You are empowered and should stand tall with your head held high. . .
This man deserves what he is going to get. and you deserve so so so so much better.
The GIT ! Zap him in the Doobies !!!

Well done :) Good luck! YOU ARE RIGHT, YOU KNOW. Keep moving - you'll be so glad you did, for yourself and your children.

Huge hugs, I really wish I lived close enough to help you out. I'm glad WA are helping you. If you need to just empty the accounts and go with a couple of suitcases they will come and collect you.