Can anyone offer helpful advice to get over my affair?

[bigbadsecret]

Help, I have been having an affair for the past 3 months. I stupidly thought it would be a fling which I could easily put a stop to whenever I wanted and that it would be a bit of "harmless fun". I didn't count on falling in love with the OM.

I have been married to my DH for 13 years and together for 19 years. I love him but am not "in love" and wish I fancied him more. I have never been tempted or been unfaithful before.

This weekend everything has come to a head and my DH accused me of cheating, saying I have been acting strangely for weeks. I denied everything, but am terrified he will find out if he does enough detective work. It made me realize how stupid I have been to jeopardize our marriage and the happiness of our 2 DCs. I really do want to get our marriage back on track but said some very hurtful things to my DH yesterday.

This morning I spoke to the OM and we agreed it has to stop as he admitted he wouldn't leave his wife and DS for me. I wouldn't want him to do that anyway as I'm sure our relationship wouldn't work in the real world.
The only trouble is, I know I'm not going to be able to stop thinking him when I should be thinking about my DH.

How do I get the OM out of my thoughts and move on?? Please help. I'm so sad.

Well the very first thing you're going to have to do is to be honest with your DH and tell him you've been having an affair. And apologise for lying to him at the weekend, too.

Don't let your H find out by detective work, because his discovery will be ten times worse if it's not from you.

If your H is willing to get past this and start a path to forgiveness - and that's what you want too, then relationship counselling might help, but not while you are holding secrets.

Have a think too about what you would have really done this morning if OM had said "Okay, I'll leave my wife and want to be with you". Be really honest about that.

You need to focus on whether you want to stay in your marriage. If you're not in love with your H and you don't feel that can return, then the best gift you can give him is to set him free, but only after he knows everything so that he gets his choices back in life.

Listen to WWIFN because she is wise. I was in your position and tried to deal with it without telling DH for a year. He just didnt hear me saying I was unhappy, didn't love him, felt resentful and unappreciated. In the end although he hadn't suspected the affair I told him everything and we started counselling. He was generous and forgave me but things were very wrong between us.

Another year later and I have moved out to try to sort myself out.

It is crucial to stop all contact with OM and let him sort his own marriage out while you deal with yours. You may not yet be feeling shame or regret at your crappy behaviour but you will!

This is why affairs are such a bad idea. They lead to pain and misery and are never worth it!

I do feel ashamed and really regretful - I wish i could turn back time to the beginning of the summer and I definitely would not make the same decision I made back then.

I don't see how admitting to the affair can help. I just want to draw a line under the whole mess and move on. If I tell my DH, he will be devastated and never forgive me, I can assure you. But now it has reached crisis point, I realize how selfish and unfair on everyone I've been, and how close I was to wrecking everything we've got together. It's made me realize that I don't want to lose him.

But I can't,and won't tell him that I've been unfaithful. I don't see how it can help, surely it is possible to move forward without going down that route?

Thanks for both your advice, by the way. I have taken it on board, just don't think it is the best way forward for me.

You need to stop all contact with the OM and avoid places where you might see him. Delete all contact numbers, messages, emails, and anything else you may have kept as a souvenir - you need to erase him from your life totally. Then focus all your energies and time on DH and DC. Good luck.

Thanks MeganMog. I will try. Are you speaking form your own experiences? If so, did you confess to your DH/DP?

I think not all men can forgive so if you think this will ruin your marriage then do not tell him. But you need to stop all the contact with OM and be strong in keeping away from him.

There is a thread here by MabelMay you might find helpful "Is it possible to have affair/stay happliy married? Be honest"

Lots of good advice there. The answer is almost certainly NO but the questions raised about the state of your marriage if you resort to having an affair to meet the unmet needs in your life are challenging.

That is what you have to address if you are not going to tell your DH

I can't see what you will gain from telling your husband!

If you are going to cut contact totally with the other man then he hopefully shouldn't find out. Surely it's best if you just move on and admit to yourself that you've made a mistake.

I come at this from the perspective that you have already damaged your marriage by having an affair - and I think it will get worse if you continue to harbour this secret. Even if your H hadn't been suspicious (but of course, he is) and you were trying to rebuild your marriage, there would always be this secret between you. From your point of view OP, your H will be forever subjugated to the role of "victim" which will do nothing for his sexual appeal. Deceiving someone and getting away with it is an imbalance (and abuse of) power.

You know your H best in terms of what you think he can or cannot forgive, but IME, in real-life as well as numerous testimonies on this board alone, many men forgive, or try to, at least.

What people however find much harder to forgive is a denial - and then finding out that as well as all the affair-related behaviour and the attendant deceit, they were lied to thereafter and had their choices in life denied. It is unspeakably cruel and self-serving to collude in someone believing that they are in fact imagining things and have got it all wrong.

When people keep secrets like this, it is almost always to preserve their own interests and a much smaller fraction is about not hurting the betrayed spouse even more. Your H has already been hurt and you are making it profoundly worse by continuing to lie about this, OP.

I suspect you will be found out and that will be doubly hurtful to your H, so I would really urge you to think about why you are really keeping this secret. One thing I can safely predict is that your marriage will not recover without some belated honesty.

Finally, it would be well worth your while trying to book some emergency counselling by yourself to talk about these issues with a trained therapist. This will allow you to grieve for the OM in a safe space and discuss disclosure.

I didn't tell exH, but I knew by then that my marriage was over. He'd been abusive, the (very brief) affair was a catalyst to change things. OM was a distraction and didn't know if he wanted to be with me or not, so I decided a clean break was the only way forward. I've never regretted it. He stayed with his DW, and as far as I know never told her.

I absolutely agree with WWIFN.

Particularly this:

"...What people however find much harder to forgive is a denial - and then finding out that as well as all the affair-related behaviour and the attendant deceit, they were lied to thereafter and had their choices in life denied. It is unspeakably cruel and self-serving to collude in someone believing that they are in fact imagining things and have got it all wrong."

I have to disagree with WWIFN.
To tell is to transfer the guilt away from yourself & to ensure that your partner feels bad.
If you stop seeing the other man and focus on your DP, you stand a good chance of repairing the marriage. If you tell him, there is a strong chance it will kill your marriage. Yes, you are lying to him but in this case it's the lesser of two evils. But make sure you don't tell anyone in RL, even your best friend.

And if you're worried that your DP will go in for detective work, start deleting everything you can.

Your only hope is to right here, right now buck your ideas up and end the thing with the OM.

You have lied to your DH, a man who has been with you for nearly 20 years. This 3m fling has made you lie to that person.

IF you tell him, you stand a chance of losing it all. If you don't and he finds out that you lied to him and carried on, you stand a huge chance of losing him.

If you end this thing with the OM now and put all that energy into making your relationship work, there is a chance you could scrape through.

This is not you. This is not what you do.

Either end it with DH or sort it out. Deceit is never worth it, for anyone.

You asked: How do I get the OM out of my thoughts and move on??

By recalling the fact that he told you he'd never leave his wife and child for you, that you are only a fling to him... that ought to do it?!

I agree totally with WWIFN. If my partner had cheated on me, I would want to choice to decide if, for example, I want to sleep with someone that has been sleeping around with someone else. I want to know he has cheated, and that at least there was a thread of respect left in him for me to be honest and tell me about it. I want to know I wasn't going crazy and imagining things. I have the right to know and decide what to do.

Taghain, you say "If you tell him, there is a strong chance it will kill your marriage". Yes, and it is the OP's husband right to choose. Lying to him will only deepen the total disrespect she has shown towards him. There are two different evils here: the cheating and the lying. The OP may have stopped the first one, but she is definitely being disrespectful and unfair to her DH with the second. She is taking him for a fool. If she really loves him, she has to tell him and let him decide.

OP says her husband (and partner of 19 years) 'accused' her of cheating.

Unless he makes a habit of throwing random accusations, my guess is that he already is as sure as he can be (proof irrelevant) - he knows.

He gave her the opportunity to come clean (and to possibly redeem at least a little respect for being honest when asked) - and she blew it.

So tell him, now, off your own back, if you've any spine left in it!

I hope what I say will not sound judgemental, because it is not meant to be, just a genuine comment/query. You say that you are not in love with your DH, but love him. Is that not enough? Being 'in love' is natures way of ensuring there is enough lust for procreation to occur. Modern scientists call it 'temporary insanity' for this reason. It is just that - temporary. Love is the end result of a marriage and if you have achieved this, then I think you should savour and cherish it.

You had an affair (for whatever reason) and now that it is over, I personally would not recommend telling your DH. It serves no meaningful purpose.

Give yourself some time, and you will soon get over the other man. I did it by focusing on the good things about my relationship.

Big hug from me, and I wish you all the best

If my husband had a brief fling, realized that he had made a mistake and wanted a future with me I rather hope he could keep it to himself rather than burden me with his guilt.

What the "don't tell" posters seem to be overlooking here is that as Bast says, this man knows. He has already felt hurt by the OP's behaviour. People are always arrogant enough to think they will get away with different behaviour at home, but long-term partners' instincts are pretty sound.

It would have taken this man a lot to confront. Now, he has probably been made to feel as though he is going mad. The OP even admits that she "said some very hurtful things" to her DH in response to his perfectly reasonable suspicions. So, to add to the lying, she hurt him further with her words.

I wonder what is going on in OM's household right now? I expect he will have panicked and couldn't get off the phone quick enough this morning. Meanwhile, it is just as likely that his wife suspects and is doing her own "detective work". Maybe her H will have the decency to confess before his cover is blown by the OP's H, or maybe his wife will snoop before confronting, which is what I would recommend she did, if she came on here. She might do as many posters on here have done - and decide that the OW's husband has a right to know too.

This secret is only as good as the OM's ability to go on deceiving and the two betrayed spouses' investigative skills. The OP might follow some posters' advice and delete everything, but that similarly relies on the OM doing the same. This bomb has got huge potential to detonate at any moment.

Would any of you really rather not know that your health might have been risked, or that your spouse wasn't in love with you and didn't fancy you any more? Do you not think you'd know this? The OP's husband clearly knew, hence he asked for some honesty.

well done on ending it.
I disagree with those who say you should tell.
Forget OM, move on and don't tell your husband

the OPs husband did NOT know.
He suspected.
People get accused of having affairs when they are doing no such thing

Don't tell your husband. All you will do is make him feel bad as well. Okay you can get it off your chest but it will make him feel worse and probably wreck your marriage. Avoid seeing the OM - sooner or later you will get over him. Can't you spend some time with your husband without the kids? Maybe a weekend away? and try to feel a bit more like a couple again?

bigbadsecret Mon 01-Nov-10 17:10:33
Thanks for both your advice, by the way. I have taken it on board, just don't think it is the best way forward for me.

What about what is best for your poor husband? he already suspects that something is going on and you have lied to him. However sad you feel right now, it is of your own making. What are you going to do when your husband finds out the truth? Not only will he know that you have lied and cheated on him for 3 months, but that when he gave you an opportunity to be honest, you still chose to continue to lie to him. He has the right to decide whether or not he wishes to stay in your marriage and work on improving it. It is not your right to make the decision for him.

I cannot help but think about the advice that would be offered to a woman posting that she had confronted her H about a suspected affair. 'He will only admit to what he thinks he can get away with', ' keep digging and find more evidence', 'bide your time until you have all the evidence', 'it is not his choice whether to work on the marriage, it is yours', are all lines that are often written to a woman in your husband's situation.

If you have any respect for him at all, you will be honest with him and give him the chance to make his own decision.

Yes say - there are some awful double standards on here when it comes to this issue, although I think at least Jasper is consistent in appeals to keep secrets, regardless of the poster's gender. However, if a male OP dared to write that he had been nasty to his wife at the same time as his denial, he would have been roasted on a spit on here.