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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can anyone offer helpful advice to get over my affair?

73 replies

bigbadsecret · 01/11/2010 14:31

Help, I have been having an affair for the past 3 months. I stupidly thought it would be a fling which I could easily put a stop to whenever I wanted and that it would be a bit of "harmless fun". I didn't count on falling in love with the OM.

I have been married to my DH for 13 years and together for 19 years. I love him but am not "in love" and wish I fancied him more. I have never been tempted or been unfaithful before.

This weekend everything has come to a head and my DH accused me of cheating, saying I have been acting strangely for weeks. I denied everything, but am terrified he will find out if he does enough detective work. It made me realize how stupid I have been to jeopardize our marriage and the happiness of our 2 DCs. I really do want to get our marriage back on track but said some very hurtful things to my DH yesterday.

This morning I spoke to the OM and we agreed it has to stop as he admitted he wouldn't leave his wife and DS for me. I wouldn't want him to do that anyway as I'm sure our relationship wouldn't work in the real world.
The only trouble is, I know I'm not going to be able to stop thinking him when I should be thinking about my DH.

How do I get the OM out of my thoughts and move on?? Please help. I'm so sad.

OP posts:
jasper · 04/11/2010 19:28

OP as to your original question, it may be easier than you think.Smile

sophiebbb · 04/11/2010 21:32

What a helpful thread. In the same position of trying to get over OM. It has now been 6 months and it has been the most painful thing I have been through - not helped by OM coming knocking on my door at regular intervals. Now finally feel that is over and I can look forwards without getting awful withdrawal feelings and stomach pangs whenever I think of him. It is not easy OP. However, you simply must take you mind off OM, concentrate on something else and get on with your life.

Personally my relationship with DH has suffered immensely. I have confessed some things but not all - and to be honest DH is not remotely interested in knowing anymore and I don't want to give him any more graphic details. We are currently hanging on in there as I don't feel I can give 100% to DH until I get the pain of OM out of my system. But I will get him out of my system. Everyday it gets better. And then I can fully turn all attention back to DH.

You have made a good start by knowing at least what it is that you want. You also sound like you have a wonderfully understanding and openminded DH. Mine is the same. Good luck and thinking of you.

ilovemyteddy · 05/11/2010 10:22

Jasper said:
"OP as to your original question, it may be easier than you think."

Do tell us how, Jasper. Those of us who have struggled with this, or are struggling now, would be delighted to know.

bigbadsecret · 05/11/2010 13:20

Thank you ILMT -your posts are a great comfort to me, you sound like such a lovely person! Everything you are saying makes a lot of sense and I do take heed of what you say. Yes, I know I am the one who has brought all this turmoil upon myself BUT WWIFN I am not trying to sound pious when I say "I have to bear this burden" etc etc but to put it more bluntly I am feeling like shit, so why should I put my DH through feeling a million times worse when it is all my fault. I've realized my mistake and want to have a go at rectifying it first.

Also WWIFN I am struggling to understand what you mean about "true intimacy" with your DH... do you mean sexually, or emotionally? The thing is, I have been with DH for 20 years, we know each other inside out but I think where my problem lies is that I feel that he has complete control over my life and that is maybe why I had the affair in the first place, in order to have a little secret part of me that he wasn't in control of and never would be. The affair will (hopefully) be something that only I know about and that is how it will stay. But that sounds like I'm being very selfish, I know.

Anyway, I feel a little bit better today than I did yesterday having nearly got through the whole week with no contact with OM. I have been secretly hoping that he would make contact, but thank God he hasn't. I will give him credit for that. I am feeling mostly anger towards him and hate having all these negative feelings rushing around inside of me, while outwardly trying to behave normally. It's very hard. And I am seriouly thinking about the counselling, but will give it another week and see how I feel then.

I'm hoping the weekend will be a good chance for DH and me to try to get back to some sort of normality and just have a nice family weekend. (Yes I know I am deluded.)

OP posts:
whenallelsefailsmaketea · 05/11/2010 13:55

bigbadsecret you are doing well but why leave OM the opportunity to contact you and set you back? Can you block his number/email or change yours? Then you will know you won't hear from him which helps you (and him) move on.

You are right about ILMT she is a lovely person and she has helped me immensely in the last year.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 05/11/2010 14:13

In answer to your question, I meant intimacy in both senses. It's often hard to feel sexual attraction for someone whom you perceive as a victim and after the power dynamic in your relationship has changed. There is an imbalance in the relationship.

Not having full emotional intimacy is more obvious, isn't it? You clearly don't know eachother inside out. You think he's been unfaithful in the past, but don't know it for a fact and I don't suppose he ever thought you could be unfaithful yourself. You don't have full insight into eachother's character, motivations and personality at all.

There is some insight in what you say about wanting to have a secret that was all yours and as a means to exert some control over your life - and your H. I think that's worth exploring, because affairs like yours are often punitive in motive.

tadpoles · 05/11/2010 14:36

Hope I am not going to be hijacking a thread here but I just wanted to make an observation from having read a lot of the affair threads on here. Hopefully it will help in that it will shed some light on how to deal with this type of situation and the hurt that seems to come in its wake.

It seems to me that men respond completely differently when their partner has an emotional/physical relationship with someone else. When it is a woman posting on here with suspicions about her partner being unfaithful, there seems to be an attitude, not just from her but from other posters, of "sling him out, who needs that lying scum-bag?" Lots of detective work leads to a discovery and, unless the errant husband is prepared to cut all contact and become a completely reformed character, he is slung out with the black bin bags!

However, I can't help noticing that when women post about affairs, their husbands/partners do not seem to respond in the same way. On the contrary, the cuckolded husband seems to go out of his way to try to make the relationship work with counselling; being prepared to overlook the OM (as seems to be the case here) and work on the relationship etc etc.

Probably a gross generalisation, but there does seem to be some pattern here. My view is that 1. women in general have affairs when there is something missing from the primary relationship, rather than just for the thrill of it, whereas men are prepared to have an affair for the thrill of it and for variety. 2. Men are very competitive and when another man starts being predatory around their woman they up their game.

Sorry, realise this is a hijack and probably will not help the OP especially. For what it is worth OP, I can relate to your reasoning behind the affair as having a part of your life that your partner can not control. I think women, especially, can become completely submerged by marriage + kids to the extent that they lose their identity.

It sounds as thought the OM has been quite selfish though and I think that in time your anger feelings will subside and following that will come indifference. When you have got to the indifference stage, which might take a few months, you might be able to be a bit more honest with your partner (if you wish) as feelings will not be running so high and there will not be so much at stake. Sorry for over-long post!

fizzfiend · 05/11/2010 15:06

I have to admit I have not read this entire thread...but had to add that I think my affair was the best thing to happen to me. It made me realise that I was sleepwalking my way through a dead marriage. My DH no longer wanted to sleep with me and I felt like little more than a housekeeper.

My affair was not that important (in terms of relationships) but it woke me up. Now we're getting divorced...something we should have done a long time ago. No regrets here.

Also, if I wanted to keep my marriage together, I would not confess to an affair. It usually destroys a marriage....in the end. I'm a big believer that everyone has a few secrets...married couples that tell each other EVERY thing, including who made a flirty comment to them that day, the guy who whistled on the street, etc, are weird...Just me tho..

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 05/11/2010 15:26

I notice that too Tadpoles! In my experience of real-life too, men are far more forgiving, but sadly sometimes, at too high a cost to themselves. So they will often "turn a blind eye" rather than confront (as here) and in many cases, subsume their own feelings of rejection and hurt, so that the relationship can continue.

However, this often causes their unfaithful partners to lose respect for them - and in some cases, inflict repeated infidelity.

Forgiving from a position of genuine sorrow and a willingness to examine why the affair happened, is however a much worthier cause - and I have huge respect for anyone prepared to do that, as should their partners.

I don't agree that women's affairs are always motivated by something being wrong in the relationship. I think plenty of women go into affairs believing that this will be "just a bit of fun", as our OP admitted.

However, whenever human beings do something that they fundamentally believe to be wrong, they have to find a justification for it, even if it is after the fact. It is widely believed that women will only reach outside the relationship if there is unhappiness within it and unfaithful women therefore have this belief to fall back on, even if it's not true at all.

The dominant discourse in our society is that women don't engage in sex-only affairs and so it is therefore no surprise when they fall in love with their paramours - or think they have and have just confused it with lust and excitement. Maybe there is also some societal pressure for them to do so too - connected with a distaste for women having sex without love, perhaps?

I have noticed that women have huge double-standards about this. That just because they loved their affair partner deeply, their affair is somehow more "honourable". Hence all the hypocrisy of hating the man when it emerges that he was far more clear-sighted about the affair and what it meant. He has behaved no worse than her at all, in reality. Yet women feel he should be punished for not falling in love, wanting an escapist bit of fun after all and not wanting to destroy two families in the process Confused

The only people he deserves any negative feelings from is his wife and his family, actually.

spidookly · 05/11/2010 15:30

"I feel that he has complete control over my life"

Shock

Care to elaborate?

tadpoles · 05/11/2010 17:50

OP having looked at this thread again, it seems to me that you were getting something from this other relationship that you weren't getting from the marriage. By your own admission you have also seen it as a way to reclaim some of your own identity and maybe assert your own independence as well? Probably putting words into your mouth here. Sounds like counselling would be really helpful for you and it might move you into a better place with your husband as well. For instance you never know you might (both) even be able to get to the stage where you can admit what has happened and feel relieved about having been able to get it out in the open. Good luck with which ever way you go. I have had a few fairly mad crushes so I know how painful these sorts of feelings can be. Trust me, I now look back on them all and laugh about them as I realise that what I have now is perfectly fine and works for us both.

bigbadsecret · 05/11/2010 18:15

Thanks, Tadpoles.

Can't elaborate on the "control" issue at the moment as it is too long winded to get into at the moment. But Tadpoles is definitely barking up the right tree when she talked about wives losing their identity. I think that has happened to me. I don't really know who I am anymore... :(

WWIFN I certainly don't think I have behaved more "honourably" in this affair than OM. Why is it so wrong for me to feel let down by him aswell? What I find so painful is that men seem to be able to walk away scot free without the suffering and heart ache that women seem to go through! I so wish that he has been feeling half of the pain I've felt this week, but I'll never know, will I?

OP posts:
jasper · 05/11/2010 20:48

ILMT because a broken heart seems so overwhelming and tragic at the time but that feeling goes away, for some a lot quicker than you could possibly believe to be true.
Yes, some people take a long time to recover, but by no means all.

I have spent many nights conforting sobbing friends at the end of relationships that now mean precisely nothing to them

spidookly · 05/11/2010 21:26

OP, there is a massive, massive difference between losing sight of your own identity when you have children and feeling like every aspect of your life is controlled by your spouse.

Please can you elaborate when you have time? It really matters.

ilovemyteddy · 06/11/2010 12:34

WWIFN wrote: "I have noticed that women have huge double-standards about this. That just because they loved their affair partner deeply, their affair is somehow more "honourable". Hence all the hypocrisy of hating the man when it emerges that he was far more clear-sighted about the affair and what it meant. He has behaved no worse than her at all, in reality. Yet women feel he should be punished for not falling in love, wanting an escapist bit of fun after all and not wanting to destroy two families in the process."

From my own experience, and from other experiences that I have read about I think the problem is that a lot of men are only looking for no-strings sex, but they talk about love/soul-mates/why didn't I meet you before I met my wife etc etc, as a way of keeping OW onside and up for it, rather than just being honest about wanting some extra-curricular activity. So OW might also have just been up for a bit of fun, but she keeps being told that he loves her etc and finds herself responding to the flattery and ego-boost that these 'words of love' give her rather than seeing the affair for what it is.

WRT whether OM walks away scot-free without suffering the pain and heartache that many OW go through - well, we'll never know, will we? They could well be at home picking up the pieces of their relationships too. I know it doesn't feel like that though.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 06/11/2010 15:53

Yes, I agree with that ILMT and I think that happens a lot, if not always. And I can also see how, when someone is in the midst of all this, it can be harder to see when the words are not mirrored by the man's actions, because love is seen and felt, as well as heard. I think a lot of people lose their ability to see and feel the truth, when they are in the insanity of an affair.

You see, unless the man in this case ever said he intended to leave his wife and family, I can't see for the life of me how he has "let down" our OP, as she thinks he has. If BBS didn't want him to leave for her (and that's a moot point, it seems) then what could he have done in this situation, when BBS phoned him to say that her H was suspicious and that she wanted it to end? What behaviour would have been acceptable?

Bluff that he would leave, so that BBS could feel that it was her making the decision to stay with her family? Histrionics and sobbing?

If mutual love was expressed between the affair partners in this case - and it was genuine - then the OM is just as entitled to feel "let down" by BBS ending the relationship. I expect the sudden realisation that this was regarded by him as a no-strings relationship hit hardest of all, but the clues would have been there all along and really, the person the OP should be most angry with is herself for missing them, understandable though that might be when in the grip of an addictive relationship.

I do think the gender politics of relationships/affairs are hugely relevant and worth questioning. This is simplifying it here, but if there is no societal stigma attached to a man having a sex-only affair, then he has less expectation or compulsion to fall in love.

Whereas there still appears to be a huge stigma to a woman having sex with someone she doesn't love, or have feelings for. So I wonder whether it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy that women do fall in love, or think they have - and that in itself eases the guilt somewhat, of betraying her H and colluding in the hurt of another woman and child?

When you consider this alongside Tadpoles's observation, which I agree represents another societal belief - that men's affairs aren't necessarily borne out of marital dissatisfaction, but women's are, then I wonder whether there is a degree of post-affair rationalisation going on here too - and a woman's choices to live her life vicariously through her family are belatedly re-written as being married to a man who controls every aspect of her life?

A good acid test of the latter would be some painful honesty about whether the OP's H would have been described by her as this controlling, before the affair started.

There also appears to be an absolute blind-spot on here especially, that women don't start affairs and take the more active role in the affair starting, when the evidence all around us suggests that this is nonsense. In an emancipated society, it is exactly as we should expect and women are perfectly capable of asking for what they want in relationships and don't have to be passive and wait to be wooed and courted.

Women are just as capable of men of wanting a no-strings affair and their marriages don't have to be unhappy for them to do so.

I just wish female posters in this situation were as honest and self-aware as you, ILMT about those issues particularly.

However, I do understand it can take some time to get there and realise all this, which is why I said downthread that I am not unsympathetic to our OP, but far more sympathetic to the deceived partners, especially as both have gone through the agony of suspicions being denied.

The behaviour they were seeing at home must have been really bad, for them to confront like that. Sad

ilovemyteddy · 06/11/2010 16:35

I totally agree with all that you have posted, WWIFN, and would have gone on to say as much had some fuckwit person not interrupted me in mid-post (I'm at work!)

I think your point about the person who BBS and many others of us who have had affairs and 'missed the signs' should be most angry with is her/ourselves is spot-on.

However we often justify it by blaming our marriages and/or the OM for 'making us' do something that we know is fundamentally wrong and goes against the principles that we had lived by up until lover-boy started turning our heads.

Which is why I think it is vitally important that an OW is honest with herself about the reasons she had an affair and spends a lot of time looking at herself as well as at her marriage. I went round and round in circles for ages trying to find something to blame in my marriage (apart from the usual petty irritants) before I realised that it was me that needed to be sorted out.

BBS I would be interested to know what your DHs control issues are, as I felt for quite a while that my DH was very controlling. Turned out that was me as well!

Stickymess · 19/02/2013 11:30

Hi bigbadsecret I know this is an old thread but would love an update as to how you got through it (if you did) and some advice please??

BesameBesame · 19/02/2013 19:15

I am SO PLEASED that WWIFN has posted.

I was in your H's position once. All I wanted was to know wtf was going on because I thought i was going mad - and discovery made the whole process so much more painful than if he'd 'fessed-up' when he had the opportunity.

I can't believe that posters are advising you to keep quiet. If the boot was on the other foot you'd be hearing how to access his emails/internet history/phone bills.

BesameBesame · 19/02/2013 19:18

Oh Blush.

It's probably all over by now. And I make no apology for believing that WWIFN was back here and for feeling so bloody pleased about it.

undercoverhousewife · 19/02/2013 19:25

Don't tell. It will just cause hurt. Instead, look to the future.

Can you pinpoint why you felt the urge to have an affair? You need to address that to ensure it doesn't happen again.

You mention "losing your identity". Have you given up work and become a domestic drudge (in your own eyes, I mean - personally I think being a SAHM is an incredible job but you need to try to keep your self esteem and interests if you are not to feel subsumed long term). If this is to do with your affair, then you need to start finding yourself other outlets - take up a hobby, join a bookclub, start training for a marathon - SOMETHING that will give you an identity back and make you less vulnerable to an affair in the future.

FWIW I think your DH has told you he knows and also that he understands (having had an affair himself) and doesn't want to probe as long as going forward you are both on the same hymn sheet. Sleeping dogs etc

cliffordrichards666 · 23/06/2017 09:48

I have been having an affair with the most fantastic person for amlost 4 years and weould dearly love ot be with her as I desire no one else. However, my life is complex and I can't and she wants to end it as she quite rightly wants and deserves more. My partner suspects, but still doesnt' want me to go and I almost feel emotionally blackmailed by it.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2017 09:57

cliff for God's sake stop bumping every zombie thread you see about affairs

If you want to bore the arses off us with your self pitying bullshit talk about yours, start your own thread

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