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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can anyone offer helpful advice to get over my affair?

73 replies

bigbadsecret · 01/11/2010 14:31

Help, I have been having an affair for the past 3 months. I stupidly thought it would be a fling which I could easily put a stop to whenever I wanted and that it would be a bit of "harmless fun". I didn't count on falling in love with the OM.

I have been married to my DH for 13 years and together for 19 years. I love him but am not "in love" and wish I fancied him more. I have never been tempted or been unfaithful before.

This weekend everything has come to a head and my DH accused me of cheating, saying I have been acting strangely for weeks. I denied everything, but am terrified he will find out if he does enough detective work. It made me realize how stupid I have been to jeopardize our marriage and the happiness of our 2 DCs. I really do want to get our marriage back on track but said some very hurtful things to my DH yesterday.

This morning I spoke to the OM and we agreed it has to stop as he admitted he wouldn't leave his wife and DS for me. I wouldn't want him to do that anyway as I'm sure our relationship wouldn't work in the real world.
The only trouble is, I know I'm not going to be able to stop thinking him when I should be thinking about my DH.

How do I get the OM out of my thoughts and move on?? Please help. I'm so sad.

OP posts:
jasper · 02/11/2010 00:11

The best piece I have ever read on affairs, and I have read
more than I care to remember

Bast · 02/11/2010 00:22

Have you taken it on board Jasper? Because that article states that most affairs are found out. Like this one has been.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/11/2010 00:30

I read that ages ago and the bit I agree with is that it is best to tell if there is imminent danger of it being found out by other means - rather like this situation.

bigbadsecret · 02/11/2010 12:15

Thanks for all posts. I'm so grateful for advice, but it seems to be a 50/50 split between those who would tell and those who wouldn't. I am definitely the latter. Thanks Jasper for pointing out that article, my God, everything in it rang true to me and I will re read it again as it made everything seem clearer. (The reasons I had the affair in the first place.)

DH and I had a massive talk last night. I know he suspects an affair, but even though I still denied it ( yes I know, lied again ) he said to me, "I know you so well, I can tell somethings not been right with you for weeks now, but as long as we both want this marriage to work and for us to be together, I want to forget what may or may not have happened and move forward and be honest from now on." This gives me the impression that it is definitely the best idea NOT to tell.

I am convinced that he had an affair years ago as there were so many signs as well, and although I confronted him he has consistently denied it too. So I'll never know either way, which TBH I think is better. I trust him impicitly now and hopefully he can begin to trust me again in time.

I have vowed not to make contact with OM, but it is hard not to think about him. When I do I am thinking of all the things that he said that annoyed me, for instance having the nerve to make judgements on the state of my marriage! (Like his is obviously so perfect, he said him and his DW had rowed all weekend and she has been accusing him of having an affair too.) I am annoyed with him also for doing all the chasing in the beginning, making me feel so attractive and vibrant, but now I just feel a bit cheap and sordid. Was he worth it? No. He even had the cheek to end our phone call yesterday with "It was great while it lasted, we had fun and by the way, you have an amazing body" ! Am I meant to be flattered?!

Phew, that feels a bit better to get that off my chest.

From now on I am going to focus on DH, we both know the marriage had become a bit monotonous and stale, but this has been a wake up call to me, that I could've thrown it all down the drain for nothing. Surely the main thing is that we do love each other and can move on from this? Hopefully a positive thing can happen, our marriage can get through this blip, and get stronger in the process.That is my plan anyway..

OP posts:
ilovemyteddy · 02/11/2010 12:45

Hi. I've seen you on Mabel's thread so I guess if you've read that thread then you'll know my story.

My affair ended two years ago and I took the coward's way out by not telling my DH. I think in your/our situation it's easy to justify why you shouldn't tell DH - you don't want to hurt him; you don't want him to throw you out; you find it hard to justify/explain why you had the affair (particularly if it started as 'just a bit of fun'); the affair is over now, let's just sweep it all under the carpet and get back to normal.

But by not telling him you take away his choice to discuss on an equal footing how things should move forward between you. And WWIFN is right, as she so often is, about how the balance of power shifts in a relationship where one partner is unaware of the other one's infidelity.

For my part I feel shame and guilt about deceiving my DH, who did not deserve it, and I have done a lot of work on myself and my marriage to put right what was wrong. But there is also that part of me that did not tell him, and will not tell him, because of my own selfishness. I didn't, and don't, want him to leave me, so I remain silent; and there is this bigbadsecret between us.

And it does make a difference to my marriage - I feel a strong sense of sadness that I let someone else into my marriage; gave him something that wasn't mine to give, and took something from him that he wasn't free to give me.

Would I tell DH if I were you? Probably not, given what you have just posted about your convo last night. The most important thing you can do now is stop thinking about OM, and the secret to doing that is JUST DO IT. Delete all contact details, realise that it's going to take time and effort to put this episode behind you, and move on.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/11/2010 13:33

A few questions here.

Teddy if you had been in the OP's shoes 2 years ago and you had heard that your affair partner's wife was now suspicious and your H had also confronted you about it, would you have kept lying?

BigBadSecret I think perhaps you and your H are both missing an opportunity here. It seems as though your marriage has existed with secrets, given that there is an unspoken acknowledgement that your H had an affair himself. Have you considered that if you gave your H the gift of honesty now, his own conscience might produce a similar disclosure? Or do you still not want to confront that yourself?

You might both be able to reach new levels of intimacy for discussing why the affairs happened and something as important as fidelity in your future life together.

This is something to reflect on in slower time perhaps, but a marriage with secrets on both sides can never reach its potential in terms of intimacy. That said, not everyone wants a truly intimate marriage, but I wonder when you last had a relationship like that with your H?

Your H seems to be implying that he doesn't want to know, as long as you are honest with eachother now - but in practice that doesn't work, because it is impossible to be honest in the future against a backdrop of so many elephants in the room. It is a veneer honesty and to an extent, a veneer marriage.

What strikes me as more urgent and pressing however is that now that you know that the OM's wife also has suspicions, you are totally reliant on the OM's continued deceit and ability to destroy evidence. Since he doesn't sound like the sharpest knife in the drawer, I would have no confidence at all in that. If this woman finds out, she may well want to cause you as much hurt as you and her H have caused her. Only you can decide how much worse your H will feel if someone other than you forces him to confront what he would rather not....

He seems to be putting his head in the sand here and perhaps because he doesn't want to reveal his own secrets, is bargaining that if he doesn't get proof, he can pretend it didn't happen. Perhaps you've been the same about his affair? Try to put yourself in his shoes then and think back - how would you have felt if you had been met with denials and then the OW's H had forced you out of your denial. How would you have reacted to your H then, compared with how you might have felt if he had given you the truth when you asked for it?

Have a look at this article

which has pros and cons for revealing secrets.

I would also advise you to listen to Teddy who is self-aware enough to know why she is harbouring her secret and the effect it is having. Teddy is also refreshingly honest about why she had her affair and takes complete responsibility for it, never once deflecting blame on to her marriage or her spouse. Once you have been through the crisis stage of grief and shoring up your marriage, I hope you will be as introspective as her about what it was about you that led you to make the choices you exercised, then and now.

littleearthquakes · 02/11/2010 13:52

Have been reading this thread with sad interest, I'm not sure what you should do to be honest, everything WWIFN says makes a lot of sense but I also agree with that article that was posted about the reasons people have affairs which says ultimately the goal is to inflict as little hurt as possible on other people.

I had an affair earlier this year with an ex, which was the consequence of me falling back into a depressional state that I haven't had since meeting DH 6 years ago. I used to Self-Harm but now I have DH and DD I don't use that coping mechanism anymore and to my utter shame instead responded to the advances of this ex who has treated me very badly in the past. I lied to him too, making him think I was falling for all his ridiculous language, all the while indulging in the affair because the guilt would at least meant I felt SOMETHING and the eventual mess I found myself in because that man manages to turn me into a pathetic wreck with no self-esteem made me hit rock bottom.

I have now cut all communication with OM and have bucked my ideas up. All through this DH has been supportive seeing that I was headed down a black hole but because he didn't know I was SH (because this is what I was doing by having an affair with this particular man) he didn't know how far I'd gone. The trouble with using this way of hurting myself I realised the hurt would extend way beyond that, and I can't do that to my supportive DH and baby DD. But for this reason I will not tell DH either. I am hoping I can continue to work on my marriage, which ultimately means working on myself and getting out of the selfish and self-indulgent holes I dig myself into, and find another coping mechanism that preferably doesn't involve hurting myself in a physical or mental fashion but absolutely does not hurt anybody else.

Good luck, glad you've cut contact and I hope whatever you decide to do, you manage to come out of it with a renewed sense of who you are and treat your DH with the respect and kindness you know he deserves

bigbadsecret · 02/11/2010 14:22

Thanks, I've read the article, but it still is only an opinion and also states that some people believe it is better for it to remain a secret - so both sides can't be right, can they? The article that Jasper recommended gave the complete opposite advice, which I prefer to go along with for now. Appreciate your advice though WWIFN - you definitely sound like you know what you're talking about! And ILMT you said you wouldn't tell in my position either.

I'm sure OM has destroyed all evidence as have I, as far as I possibly can, so unless he is lying about that I can be pretty sure his W won't be able to find out any details and his policy is "if confronted, deny,deny,deny". The more I write about him it makes me realize what a complete and utter idiot (to put it mildly) he is/was.

DH seems so much happier today after being so shell-shocked yesterday after my out-pourings on Sunday. He has been chatty and loving on the phone, which I take to mean that we can get things back on track now, without going over and over the reasons for my odd behaviour of the last couple of months. Now that we have both aired our opinions and cleared the air, I think the worst thing I could possibly do would be admit the affair, it would break his heart and I don't want to do that. Some things are better off left unsaid, because you can never un-say it once it's out in the open.

OP posts:
MabelMay · 02/11/2010 14:33

Bigbadsecret - There is a little bit of good news for you at the moment: at least you can already see the OM's bad faults, and that - by the sounds of it - you are not heartbroken about ending this affair. This, at least, will hopefully make mending things with your DH easier - as you should be looking forwards to the future, not backwards to your fling with the OM. It will also hopefully make the "no contact" a lot easier for you to stick to.

We've 'spoken' before on my own "affair" thread. Listen to ilmt - she has so much good advice.

As for tell/don't tell. That's entirely up to you. I think it sounds like it may be better for your marriage at the moment if you don't.

Good luck. You must get to the root of why you think you had the affair.

I'm only just starting along this road myself...

MMx

londonartemis · 02/11/2010 14:57

Big Bad Secret..
I think you are right not to tell. Plus I think your DH has offered you the chance of a clean slate after the talk last night. You must not blow your chace - that means all contact with OM has ceased and all thoughts about him are a complete No Go. You have rightly had a big shock about how this has turned out. Keep talking to your DH and spending time with him.

bigbadsecret · 02/11/2010 17:54

littleearthquakes Thanks for your post, it was so sad to hear your story, but glad you seem to be making good progress on the road to recovery. Big hug :)

MM Yes you are right, it is a good sign that I am seeing faults with OM, it is making me feel stronger and less like love sick teenager. My heart still misses a beat when i think of him but it has only been one day since we put a stop to it, so hopefully it will get easier as time goes on, as long as I keep my promise not to contact. I caught up with your thread and so glad you sound much better than last week, keep strong too. x :)

OP posts:
matthew2002smum · 02/11/2010 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieLeeCurtis · 02/11/2010 19:28

I agree with WWIFN. He knows, and if you don't talk about it it's a massive elephant in the room

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/11/2010 19:38

why tell your dh and make him feel like complete shit - normally people confess to appease their guilt

sometimes it is better to tell a white lie to save hurting someone you love

the affair has ended (hopefully)and you can both move on

erase all contact/email/texts/numbers etc

"I know you so well, I can tell somethings not been right with you for weeks now, but as long as we both want this marriage to work and for us to be together, I want to forget what may or may not have happened and move forward and be honest from now on."

sounds like he may know,but is willing to forgive/forget if it is over so say to hubby that you have been distant and that you just feel a bit down and out of sorts but that you love dh and there is no one else and sure you will be fine

onandup · 02/11/2010 20:09

Am going through aftermath of coming clean myself.

It has not been easy. It is still not easy. Be prepared for MASSIVE repercussions.

I'm looking at a house move, a business closing and having to spend far less time in a city I adore and wanted to live in all my life.

These are the things my dh feels he needs in order to move on from my affair.

BUT

I don't view these things as a result of confessing.

I view them as a result of having an affair.

And I know, if I hadn't confessed, I would not have been able to have anything like the marriage I want and need.

Things weren't right in my marriage. I know WWIFN believes that affairs happen in happy marriages, and I think this is right in some cases. Mine wasn't a happy one, and one thing I know above all else that it wouldn't stand a cat in hell's chance of improving with a bloody great elephant in the room.

I think it depends on personality. I was the last person in the world who should ever have had an affair, due to the fact that I form deep emotional attachments to people and am almost pathologically honest. I could never in a million years have carried the guilt for the rest of my life. Never. While I was having my affair (it still feels weird typing that) I don't think I slept a full night once. And it lasted a year. I honestly think if I hadn't disclosed, I would have become seriously ill.

Sometimes, when I observe the wreckage of our lives, I wish to God I had been able to keep my mouth shut. It would have protected DH from so much pain, and I worry that all I have done in telling him is transferred my pain, assuaged my guilt and messed everything up. I once asked him if he wished I hadn't told him. He just said he wished I hadn't had the affair Sad

I do think, though, for proper intimacy to happen, big stuff like this needs to be disclosed. Not the tiny details, don't give him painful images to cope with. But I do think he might need to know.

I was like a fish on a line with my counsellor for months, thinking of various reasons, many of them valid, for keeping my trap shut. But when it came down to it, I couldn't lie about something as big as this forever.

Not if I was going to get the marriage I wanted, anyway.

As far as getting over OM, it'll happen. I adored my OM. Loved him so, so much. Knew he was a twat, and loved him anyway. Thought I would never, ever get over him.

Then I kinda did.

Just break the contact, and wait it out. It'll hurt like fuck. Never known pain like it. Horrible, strangulating, ridiculous pain.

It passes. Promise.

jasper · 04/11/2010 01:12

By definition those of you who have discovered your partner's affair , or had your own affair discovered,and have painfully thrashed it out and arrived at your current situation (whether good bad, improved, damaged, whatever ) have a somewhat polarised view.

it is perfectly possibly to have an affair, regret it, nip it in the bud, get over it , and for it not to be an elephant in the room as someone put it. ANd to never be found out.

bast, this affair has NOT been found out.

OP you have decided yourself the affair was a mistake . Move on. You do not need to live a tortured secretive life from now on as some here think.

Believe it or not in a few years you will quite possibly never ever have it cross your mind.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/11/2010 14:03

ditto jasper - i have known friends have affiars (i dont beleive it is/was right but it happened)

he finished it and wife (my friend) never knew

should i have told her, as i found out after it had literally finished - what would have been the point?

the hubby was sorry, shouldnt have happened and why hurt my friend who for the last 6 yr has been blissfully married and unaware - the hubby for last 4 years has been 100% faithful/great father to their kids so why rock the boat

course if he ever did it again, i would cut his balls off Grin

op - you have a chnace to make your marriage work DONT confess - it is over

ilovemyteddy · 04/11/2010 15:13

I agree that it is perfectly possible to have an affair, regret it, nip it in the bud, and not get found out. That is what happened to me.

However, if you think that it's easy to breathe a sigh of relief that you weren't caught; beat yourself up a bit about 'how much you risked' for your quick shag, and sweep it all under the carpet, then I'm afraid you are sadly mistaken IME.

For many (not all) women it's not just a case of 'getting away with it'. Many OW go through hell after their affairs finish, with hugely conflicting feelings of guilt at cheating on their DP coupled with the grief at losing their OM; feelings of being rejected by OM coupled with pain and confusion that a 'quick shag' turned into 'star-crossed lovers'. The thing that was supposed to give you an ego-boost (the flattery and attention of a man who is not your partner) is the very thing that kicks you in the arse and sends your self-esteem crashing through the floor. Months/years of lying and deceiving DH, family and friends take its toll on your sense of self until you can't see the truth for the lies.

Not a lot of people talk about this, as why should anyone feel any sympathy for someone who would cheat on her own DH by shagging someone else's? But I just wanted to say that if you think that 'getting away with it' is the end of it - then I think you're wrong.

I think it is vitally important, whether you get found out or not, that the betraying partner looks honestly at what drove them to having an affair and, IF they don't want their relationship with their DH/P to end, then they do some work on themselves and their relationship to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

I don't walk around in sackcloth and ashes. I don't wear a scarlet 'A' on my clothing. I don't lead a 'tortured secretive life'. But I do recognise that I have changed, that my relationship with DH has changed, because I am keeping this secret from him for purely selfish reasons.

OP in answer to WWIFNs question upthread about whether in your shoes I would have told your DH...I think possibly you missed an opportunity to tell him when he gave you a 'way in'. However I don't blame you for not telling him - as long as you realise that not telling him may have an effect on you and your relationship with him. And if you can't be truthful and honest with him, then you need to be truthful and honest with yourself about why you had an affair, and if your relationship with DH can be worked on and saved.

bigbadsecret · 04/11/2010 16:11

Thanks for all comments above, I'm so, so grateful to read all advice. Hope anyone who reads this while contemplating whether or not to embark on a affair realizes it is NOT worth it.

The past 2 days have been agony (sorry to sound melodramatic and wallowing in self-pity). My heart feels like it has been wrenched in two, can't stop thinking about OM, even after what he said. It was like a kick in the teeth to hear he would never leave his W for me. I can't honestly say I would have left DH, but it's just the feeling of rejection. I know he would've been happy to carry on meeting up for "shags" to put it bluntly, but what would that make me? A worthless unpaid prostitute?

I wish I could get the fing wer out of my head! I guess from the above comments, it does get easier, hopefully in days and weeks, not months and months.

The guilt I am feeling is immense. DH is so happy that we have decided to work at getting our marriage back on track. I really do want it to work and am trying with all my might to put those other thoughts to the back of my mind. I will never admit to the affair, because why should I put him through more suffering and pain than necessary just to clear my conscience? It might make my burden less to bear, but at the same time make him feel totally humiliated and ripped apart. I made the mistake and I should be the one to pay for it.

Sorry for droning on and sounding sorry for myself, I know most will think I'm a selfish cow who deserves all she gets. I really appreciate all those positive comments though, thanks all. x

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/11/2010 16:50

You know, from a humanitarian point of view, I have huge sympathy for you, OP. And I can see that in your hurt and confusion, you are a mass of contradictions, but in the long term, it's not going to help you much, if some of your denial persists.

As you know from my first post to you on this thread, I suspected that you were deluding yourself when you said you wouldn't have wanted the OM to say he would leave his family. At least you've come clean that when he said he wouldn't, it was like a kick in the teeth. I'd ponder on that some more, in your shoes. What would you have really done, if he had been as committed as you?

You seem to be blaming the OM for his behaviour, but it was no better or worse than yours. The fact that you were in love with him and he wasn't with you, does not make your actions any more honourable than his. In fact, there's an argument for his actions being perhaps more honourable, in that he wasn't prepared to put his affair, before his wife and family. I expect it will help you to detach from him more easily if you can learn to hate him, but in the long term I don't think that's necessarily helpful.

I also fear you've got locked into a tragic script that you are keeping this secret for entirely noble intentions and that it is a "burden you'll have to bear". But I don't think that's entirely true either. I accept that you don't want to hurt your H and I accept (but don't endorse) your decision not to tell, but I think you need to acknowledge that this is also because of self-interest and is not entirely motivated by an altruistic desire not to hurt. If you told him and he couldn't forgive, you would lose a lot, after all.

I am always struck by ILMT's refreshing honesty and I would urge you to listen to her. You might well be the sort of person who can withhold a secret and feel no huge angst, you know yourself better than anyone, presumably. However IME, people commonly delude themselves that it's no big deal and it's had no negative effect on their relationship whatsoever and yet they can't explain why their relationship still isn't happy and fulfilling. Why they cannot feel the same attraction to a man they now see as a victim. Why their sexual relationship particularly, is not what they'd hoped for when they first entered their relationship.

That's a big price to pay and a waste, IMO, but all I would suggest you do is think about that and don't put too much store by people who are in denial themselves.

I saw this happening with a very dear friend of mine and she kept the secret for years. Her marriage hit the buffers for other reasons later on and they ended up in Relate. In truth, she thought the marriage was over anyway and had gone to Relate because there were DCs involved and she felt that she had to try everything.

Perhaps because she felt she had nothing to lose at this point, she disclosed her brief affair in this controlled environment and the Relate counsellor unravelled how much this had blighted the marriage thereafter. You might even want to think about how much your H's undisclosed affair has blighted your marriage - and then perhaps you will see the truth of this.

The good news for my friend is that her and her H have a truly intimate, fulfilling marriage now. They both regard that "secret era" as wasted years. Going to Relate and disclosing all the secrets and lies throughout the years, on both their parts, saved the marriage.

I reiterate my suggestion that you get some solo therapy for yourself. I'm assuming that this will mean further lies to your H about why you are doing this, but I think ILMT did that and it helped her enormously.

You are not a bad person, neither is ILMT or my friend. But at the moment, you are in turmoil and need to see the wood for the trees.

londonartemis · 04/11/2010 17:24

WWIFN - I appreciate what you are saying, but I think there are a lot of marriages where there are secrets from one partner to another. Not necessarily to do with affairs, but silly mistakes that one partner makes but keeps from the other; embarrassing incidents; problems at work; mistakes with money; ex-boyfriends; the truth about relatives; binging at the chocolate cake; a couple of drinks too many. I think people can compartmentalise - up to a point- in marriage and not divulge certain things. I tend to think some people can nip the affair in the bud and get over and move on and forget about it and stop it having an impact on day to day life. People get over crushes all the time and don't tell their partners how much they were fantasising about someone else for a while. They have many white lies about how much money they spent; what they really told their mother in law etc.
I appreciate the intimacy that you and others clearly have with your DHs, but I think lots of other people have perfectly happy arrangements with a bit of 'not the whole truth' thrown in!
I am not trying to endorse infidelity, but merely point out that many people do not have the open/confess all marriages where truth is everything.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/11/2010 17:41

bigbadsecret - glad you have decided not to tell dh about your affair, as i said before, it serves no purpose/you would end up hurting him/and although you are upset/heartbroken over the om, this has made you reliese that you do still love your dh and want to make your marriage work

yes it must have been a kick in the teeth to hear om say that he loves his wife and wont leave her - but hopefully it will make you see that he just wanted his kicks and meaningless sex

really hope you and dh work this out x

i do also agree that you should NEVER mention to rl friends, even after a few drinks and you want to spill - it will come back and bite you on the bum one day :(

at the moment only you and om know about the affair

if you want a secret kept , dont tell ANYONE!!! - obv on here you are nameless

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/11/2010 17:51

london yes I agree with that, and did say upthread that not everyone wants a marriage without secrets.

ilovemyteddy · 04/11/2010 17:58

Bigbadsecret I do understand how you feel right now and, having been where you are, I sympathise with what you are going through.

The post-affair scenario is like a big jigsaw with all the pieces mixed up, and you need to spend time sorting them out and putting the pieces in order so that you can
come out of this with your self of self restored and in good shape so that you can give everything to making your marriage work for both you and DH.

Getting over OM is going to take time and work, and the first thing to do is to give yourself a reality check about your 'relationship' with him. Getting that into perspective is the first step to putting it behind you and moving forward. Your OP said that you 'stupidly' thought that you could have a quick fling and put it behind you as a bit of harmless fun. Well, that went well, didn't it? My affair started off in the same way - both of us said from the outset that we wouldn't leave our respective families. But when I ended it, and OM didn't respond to my subsequent attempts to restart it, I was left with the same feelings of hurt and rejection that you are feeling, even though OM was acting, as WWIFN says, more honourably than me by being honest about not leaving his family.

I have called OM all the names under the sun. But it was me who made the conscious decision to have sex with him, to lie about where I was and who I was talking to, to involve other people in my deception of my DH and DC. You have to own your decision, admit that the person that has caused you the most hurt in this is you. Take responsibility for what you did, but don't beat yourself up. You made a bad choice - learn from it. Solo counselling really helped me (particularly since, like you, I was in turmoil after my affair ended, and almost had another affair before I had counselling.)

It has taken, and continues to take, a lot of hard work to become self-aware so that you know what your triggers are and you can head them off at the pass. It's easy to blame external reasons for feeling unhappy in your life/relationship. But often the reasons are inside you, and you have to learn to recognise them and give them a swift kick up the arse.

Lots more I want to say but DH is due home so I have to go. Will try and post more when I can. I would urge you to think about the questions WWIFN has posted to you, particularly her observations about intimacy, which have been a problem for me (intimacy, I think, is the huge elephant in the room when you don't tell your partner about your infidelity.) Those questions are a good starting point for you to start moving on from this.

ilovemyteddy · 04/11/2010 18:01

That was sense of self - not self of self! :)

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