Oh shit - have kicked DH out/he walked out this morning.

[openerofjars]

He made one crack too many about me having an easy ride, working 3 days a week & spending 2 days home with DS, and I lost it. I heard him say to DS "Oh, poor Mummy has such a hard life, mucking about with you in parks all day, and lucky Daddy has to go to work".

I was up 3 times in the night with DS - he hasn't yet learned that it isn't morning just because you've woken up. It is always me who gets up in the night, whether I'm "working" or "not". 3 times is not that unusual at the moment. DH also got me up twice, duvet hoarding and putting his pillow over my head (accidentally).

I admit I get nap time off, if DS naps, but the rest of the time I am fucking far from idle. I turned on DH and made a nasty comment along the lines of "Don't judge me by your standards: I do a sight more than just dumping him in front of a DVD first chance I get (harsh but accurate)". I think I also said things along the lines of "This is it! I'm not going to stand for this any more!"

Anyway, DH said something like "if you want a separation you can have one", so I called his bluff and put a change of clothes in his briefcase. And now I don't know if he's coming home tonight.

Shit shit shit. Why am I so fucking stupid?

Poor DS.

he'll come home - and this migth be the kick up the arse he needs to realise that you don't do nothing all day.

I think that you are both feeling overtired and underappreciated. These sorts of rows are fairly frequent IME when you have a little one.

Let him cool off for a bit. If it leads to a bit of readjustment in your relationship it can only be a good thing.

you're not stupid, you're tired and sleep deprived :(

suggest you call / text him and arrange for the two of you to have a calm conversation about what you've both said and how you're feeling

I don't think bringing 'separation' into arguments is a good sign though. Is that not a tad over reacting?

Staying at home with a small child is a lot harder than working in my opinion. What a nice way for your husband to speak to his child.

Thanks. I am trying not to be a wuss but I can't stop crying. DS is asleep at the mo and I am supposed to be making tea for later. We're having Hallowe'en tonight for various reasons and I don't know if that's off or on or what. But I need to make pastry for pumpkin pie.

Shit.

I'd do absolutely nothing. I certainly wouldn't be rushing to call/text and make it easy for him. He brought up leaving, let him approach you. If you rush to fix this you are basically setting yourself up to always be the one who apologises. Feck it. He was rude and disrespectful. Apologise for your part when he apologises for his.

Jumping straight to the worst-case scenario (ie if you want a separation you can have one) is a very effective way of making sure that no proper discussion about things is ever had.

Bide your time and FGS don't start crawling. He has to realise he has overstepped the mark and that you have Had Enough of it. If he stays away to "teach you a lesson" then maybe you need to consider what type of man he actually is.

It is always me who apologies, usually because I say horrible things in the heat of the moment, and he always forgives me. I feel stupid for not giving him the benefit of the doubt and doing the same for him.

How would I feel if he shoved a change of pants in my work bag and basically told me to put my money where my mouth is?

Fuck fuckity fuck.

And carry on with your Halloween stuff. Carry on as normal.

No opener - he has to learn to respect you and not slag you off to DS. And not to avoid proper adult discussion by leaping to apocalyptic scenarios. It is not right. Stand up for yourself FGS.

Sorry, x-posted as slow typer on a phone.

'usually because I say horrible things in the heat of the moment, and he always forgives me'

• what, cos you've been provoked?

I do think it sounds like a typical small-child-readjustment's-difficult argument, with a bit of over-reaction thrown in.

Have you ever actually talked about this stuff? You know, not passive-aggressive conversations with the child within each others' earshot but a real face to face talk?

He needs to stop the nasty digs. What joy does he get from making this sort of remark to DS, exactly? How does this bode for the future? where is his respect for you?

No, not because I have been "provoked" - that would be a cop out. I am rubbish at arguing and tend to either flare up or give in. I am working on it but the "you're got it easy, part-timer" remarks push all my buttons.

My job is also at least as demanding as his, if not more, and brings in nearly as much for 3 days as his does for 5, plus I like my job more than he does his.

Okay, he's jealous, isn't he? Now can someone please tell me why a) that is my fault and b) what I'm supposed to do about it?

It's your fault becuase you are the easist target for him to vent his frustrations on.

And what you are supposed to do about it? Get him to TALK to you properly, as an adult, and quit the sniping.

Don't you DARE apologise!

You are in the right here and you need to have the strength to hold your ground.

Two can play at his game, refuse to discuss it, save to say that you are on 24 hour 7 day a week stand by and that if he thinks this is an easy life, then by all means you'll go to work full time and leave HIM to do the SAH stuff.

How DARE he talk to your DS like that. It is so passive aggressive and resentful.

He simply has no right to make comments like that to you. This stance of yours has to be utterly non-negotiable.

Honey, none of this is YOUR fault. If he is unhappy in his job, then HE needs to deal with that.

If you soften on this at all, then make sure it's to sit down with him and help him work out how he can make changes to his life to feel less resentful of your happiness.

Ultimately there is nothing you can do, because there is nothing that you are doing that is wrong!

Okay, nap time's over but I have read your advice and I have made pie.

So whatever else happens, at least there is pie.

Thank you for your help this afternoon. I am going to try and talk with DH when he comes home because 8 years & 1 son is a lot to chuck aside in a snit.

Back later.

To really put him in his place, why dont you suggest to him that HE works two days per week rather than you, and that he can be home with ds to see what life is like with a small child, AND do housework and have dinner ready for you, or stop complaining until he knows the shoes you are walking in. Also, point out to him it would make financial sense as your combined household income would be a lot healthier if you up your hours and he cuts his.....

Good luck.

Sorry this happened but really you have nothing to apologise for. I am sick to death of "womens' work" being given no value.

Had the same trouble with my DP to begin with but in the end he did have the grace/sense to tell me he had come to realise ( after I left him to it for a while) that looking after children is hard work.

I've even had a woman say 'oh cleaning, you don't expect any thanks for that do you?'.

(she's the same woman I was going on about last night in AIBU; namely my delightful SIL).

Its bad enough saying it to you but saying it to DS is seriously disrespectful.

He's not coming home, is he? I have texted to ask if he will be in for tea but no reply.

I should just get on & give DS his tea.

Oh fuck.

Actually, if you earn more per hour than he does, why don't you work full time and let him work part time?

I have always been the breadwinner and absolutely don't underestimate the hard work involved in being at home. Nonetheless I would love/have loved to have that chance.

There is a half way house involving you both working 4 days a week and splitting your domestic responsibilities right down the middle. Can you negotiate that?

He is acting like a prat. Don't text him again. How you get from moaning about who has the easier life to you can have a separation (big of him ) is just ridiculous unless he has plans.

Yes get on and give DS his tea.

Let him get over himself.

Sounds like you shouldn't apologise, I am shocked at what he said to your DS, that's unacceptable IMO.

A separation sounds extreme unless there's other stuff happening. But at some point you need to leave him alone with DS (and hide all DVDs, tv cables etc if he just uses it as a babysitter) for at least a full day, maybe he'll start appreciating you more. Though tbh I wouldn't put up with that attitude from someone who was meant to love and respect me. Hope you're feeling ok.