Oh shit - have kicked DH out/he walked out this morning.

[openerofjars]

He made one crack too many about me having an easy ride, working 3 days a week & spending 2 days home with DS, and I lost it. I heard him say to DS "Oh, poor Mummy has such a hard life, mucking about with you in parks all day, and lucky Daddy has to go to work".

I was up 3 times in the night with DS - he hasn't yet learned that it isn't morning just because you've woken up. It is always me who gets up in the night, whether I'm "working" or "not". 3 times is not that unusual at the moment. DH also got me up twice, duvet hoarding and putting his pillow over my head (accidentally).

I admit I get nap time off, if DS naps, but the rest of the time I am fucking far from idle. I turned on DH and made a nasty comment along the lines of "Don't judge me by your standards: I do a sight more than just dumping him in front of a DVD first chance I get (harsh but accurate)". I think I also said things along the lines of "This is it! I'm not going to stand for this any more!"

Anyway, DH said something like "if you want a separation you can have one", so I called his bluff and put a change of clothes in his briefcase. And now I don't know if he's coming home tonight.

Shit shit shit. Why am I so fucking stupid?

Poor DS.

Opener,your marriage is in trouble, but I don't think it's irretrievable. Perhaps your next conversation with him should be "Our marriage isn't working. If we want it to, we need to change and we will probably need help with that".

You guys are adjusting to a new baby with all the sleep deprivation and role confusion that it brings. You have gotten into the habit of saying nothing and bottling things up until you explode. He is in the habit of constant low level undermining of you. This is not good and I do think that you would benefit from good relationship counselling.

I want him to stop prioritising his own needs & leisure time, especially when I'm clearly running round like a blue-arsed fly, to think of fun stuff to do with DS & me (not involving a screen) and to remember to ask how my day was.

I expect he wants me to stop nagging so he can finish the really exciting bit in his book. And to stop rolling my eyes when he says he is tired.

I do not behave well either, but I can't be doing with being given a ten minute time slot to speak on a specific issue. It'll be the naughty step next. Maybe he will take my Haribo away for swearing.

I know what I want but find it really hard to verbalise. I can't do conflict and the only thing I am proud of about tonight is that I stayed really calm and explained why I didn't want to talk about it on those terms, rather than crying.

DS is 2, not new baby! Was his birthday yesterday.

He is ace, and we are united in our overwhelming, daffy and soppy adoration of him. If the marriage goes tits up, at least this wonderful person resulted from it. Bless him.

I wouldn't call his undermining of you "low level", tbh

Just gone to settle DS back down again, so feeling better as there isn't much nicer than a happy, sleepy toddler saying "wuv you, mummy".

I think what I want is for DH and me to be able to have a conversation about relationship stuff without getting emotional about it. I think we both want to see some changes but are terrified to talk about it properly in case the whole thing comes crashing down. But the result is erosion rather than a landslide, IYSWIM.

Thanks for input, it is helping so much because it makes me feel like I'm not going mad on my own over here.

I'm going to go and read crappy Patricia Cornwell for a bit & get some sleep so I can deal with work tomorrow.

Thanks again.

night x

has anyone mentioned that word "counselling"

it enables a safe space where you can talk without crashing

hmm. watching with interest. seems we have similar dhs. they can be so rude and disrespectful with that tone of voice but try to explain it to someone and well it just doesn't sound the same.

hope you get some sleep and can think clearly in the morning.

you need counselling to talk to each other.

what kind of a relationship is this where you are afraid to talk to each other in honesty?

its clear to me that neither of you know how to communicate - its pretty essential.

there are lots and lots of issues here.

There is no way on gods earth I would be putting up with that attitude from him - 'You have 10 minutes....' as AF said, bags on the lawn at that point.

I think it's beyond counselling and far too ingrained in him... but if you still love him, it's worth a go isn't it?

However, what you must not do - is keep putting up with it the way it is. It's not good for you and it's not good for DS.

:(

Home from work, all on best behaviour but with added eggshells again.

DS is playing with his farm animals. DH is upstairs. I am MNing & peace reigns. I think I just want to get to the end of the week & see if we get there. I'm supposed to be going out on Saturday night with a friend, so that's something to look forward to.

Please wish me luck. I have two long car journeys with DH when DS will sleep on Saturday daytime so I might try talking to him then.

Meanwhile, the elephant in the room can be used to dry laundry on, as I am going to be a gutless wimp for the next couple of days.

are you going to suggest counselling, OOJ ?

Yes. I am scared of it, though. I am mentally curling up into a ball so that all my protective spikes are on the outside and I can't hear or see anything that might worry me.

DH is being very, very nice. He has even done a load of washing, which is not normal. I just want to go to sleep.

Why don't you consider writing a letter though? It's a really good way of getting across exactly what you want to say.
You said "I know what I want but find it really hard to verbalise." So take a few hours, sit down, write as many drafts as you like, get everything down, then give him it and take DS out for a walk while he reads it. He can't shout at a letter or belittle it, he can't cold- shoulder it.
I wrote one to my DH, then fiance, when I was pregnant and found out he was secretly smoking again on the sly and lying to my face about it. He read it, we chatted, it worked. I know yours is a bigger situation than mine but it's really worth a try if you find face to face discussion so confrontational. Chin up though.

Thanks all for great advice. Things are a lot better: it came to a head last week, we had a very difficult and painful conversation and yelled and cried etc but we managed to come out the other side together having had an actual discussion.

DH is doing more around the house and I have been able to see that we can have an argument and not split up.

We had a 2nd birthday party for DS and even though we all had horrible colds and some family members played up, we worked really well together as a team and didn't fall out.

Things are still a bit post-fight calm, but we're not walking on eggshells at the moment. Even Christmas looks possible from here.

well done, keep on top of it and keep positively reinforcing the way it needs to be.

Good luck!!