Oh shit - have kicked DH out/he walked out this morning.

[openerofjars]

He made one crack too many about me having an easy ride, working 3 days a week & spending 2 days home with DS, and I lost it. I heard him say to DS "Oh, poor Mummy has such a hard life, mucking about with you in parks all day, and lucky Daddy has to go to work".

I was up 3 times in the night with DS - he hasn't yet learned that it isn't morning just because you've woken up. It is always me who gets up in the night, whether I'm "working" or "not". 3 times is not that unusual at the moment. DH also got me up twice, duvet hoarding and putting his pillow over my head (accidentally).

I admit I get nap time off, if DS naps, but the rest of the time I am fucking far from idle. I turned on DH and made a nasty comment along the lines of "Don't judge me by your standards: I do a sight more than just dumping him in front of a DVD first chance I get (harsh but accurate)". I think I also said things along the lines of "This is it! I'm not going to stand for this any more!"

Anyway, DH said something like "if you want a separation you can have one", so I called his bluff and put a change of clothes in his briefcase. And now I don't know if he's coming home tonight.

Shit shit shit. Why am I so fucking stupid?

Poor DS.

Why isn't he doing his share of the nights? Are you breastfeeding? How old is your son? You need sleep (both of you) to avoid this kind of argument.

When he comes home, whether that be today or tomorrow, you need to sit and talk properly about your options. He needs to understand what you do when he's out, and what you do at night. Every relationship should ideally be 50-50, and it doesn't sound like yours is.

Good luck. :)

And aside from this, how do you feel about him? He you had a chance to spend time together since DS came along?

OK, look, if he calls your bluff by staying away, don't let that visibly phase you. At the moment he has all the power. You will never negotiate anything reasonable unless you start from an equal powerbase.

if he stays away just to spite you, then I think you've won this argument.

staying out is pathetic and childish.

and it means that he knows you're right.

make the tea as normal, and ignore it.
if he comes home, give him his tea and wait for him to apologise.

He's coming home in a bit. Phew.

I don't want to get divorced. I just want a bit less bloody lip about what I do.

I can't go full-time: I'm on a part-time contract and there's no way work can make it longer in the current economic climate.

I think some of it is DH being like his dad, who is a great grandfather and FIL but was by all accounts a dreadful dad. One of his little gems was the idea that it's not proper work if you enjoy it, and you should get paid more if you hate your job.

I do love DH but he is starting to turn into his old man. And it's not pretty.

Don't back down.

AT some stage you need to talk properly about this and so tell him that neither of you will resort to shouting, point scoring or threats. He needs to understand how he is making you feel. Don't let him play the victim.

have to say, I understand that bit about getting paid less if you enjoy your job - that'll be why I earn nothing!

glad he's coming home.

Good to hear he is coming home. Just tell him what you told us. Don't buckle, this is an issue that needs nipping in the bud.

Tell him that you don't want to hear his comments about how easy your life is, that it's unfair and is going to cause a fight every time.

Tell him he sounds more and more like his dad, and that he needs to check it, that you know he's better than that.

Tell him it's not a crime to enjoy life, and that he owes it to himself and everyone to live the best that he can.

He's back and of course I have buckled like an s&m corset, haven't I? We are in different rooms and all I can say so far is that we both appear to not want to split up. We have eaten tea and backed each other up to the hilt in the face of DS 2yo hissy fits over food. It has been civil.

We both have not particularly good relationship role models and are shite at talking about the important stuff. Plus, we scare each other when things get dark.

I am so glad he came home & is not at his brother's or similar. But right now I just want to go to bed and avoid ever mentioning it again. And DH is on the bloody computer, killing orcs or somesuch because it's too cold to go and hide in the shed and anyway we don't have one. But metaphorically, he has gone to hide in the shed.

I am sorry I am such a wuss but I am also v tired now

Note. Write one. Tomorrow, when you have the energy. This kind of day is emotionally and therefore physically exhausting. But you have to keep it with you, and not let things slide when things are a teeny bit better, as a teeny bit is not enough, and won't last.

Agree with Alfreda, as hard as this is to confront for both of you, you have to discuss it.

Say exactly that to him. Tell him you don't really want to confront these issues any more than he does, but that it's simply not acceptable for him to make comments like that about your life.

It makes you feel less valued, and erodes your position.

You are the future matriarch of your family. You are the glue that will hold it all together. The most important job you have ever done is to raise your DS. You can get another job, but you can't replace this time with DS.

Leave it for today, but you have to talk to him about this, really. This Mummy does nothing all day is not on.

Remind yourself of this by re-reading your OP!

I agree, write a note. I understand you're tired and relieved he's back but really you can't let him get away with that attitude of telling DS you're lazy.

Maybe you need to see Relate (or if your religious try a Church relationship course - they often come with a meal and you just talk to your partner).

At your stage, I used to have meetings with my DH complete with an Agenda. We've also found long car journeys a good place to sort out life.

OP I feel for you, I really do... it's like the elephant in the room isn't it? He's turning into his Dad, you feel you have to justify yourself.

I do hope you eventually both have the courage to sit down and discuss it properly.

Yes, def write a letter. DH and I had a major blow out a while ago, and couldn't resolve it by talking as I just ended up either shouting or crying.

I spent a couple of hours on and off composing a long letter, which really helped me get it in perspective and helped DH understand what I was upset about. He then wrote one in return which did the same for me.

It was so helpful and I'd do it again if necessary.

Do try and get it down in writing, if you're like me I go over and over things in my head until it's about to explode and get in a real state - putting your thoughts on to paper is very therapeutic.

Hi all,

I can't. It's like hitting a wall in my mind. I just clam up thinking about it. I just can't.

I told him last night that I am too tired to think about it and don't want to talk it through and that I just want to draw a line under it and never talk about it ever again.

I know that was the wrong thing to do. Sorry. I know that I have just set myself up for a lifetime of this and have no-one to blame but myself. I know that my son will learn to disregard me and may form peculiar views about women. Sorry. I am just so tired. I am going to bath DS in a bit & then go to bed.

No, you have not set yourself up for a lifetime of this, you have allowed the situation to continue for one day longer.

But you will have to say something one day, because he is bound to say some snippy remark.

Seriously, if you confront this, gently, you can help him grow, help HIM find happiness.

Get yourself together, take a deep breath and start the conversation. open a bottle and get on with it.

The battle is not lost, don't allow yourself to feel so defeated.

We'll help you find the voice if that is what you need.

By the power of mumsnet!

Okay, I'm sitting on the sofa on my own. DH went to bed at 8 (he had a very tiring day).

We had another fight, because he says I am cold and rude and look at him like he is a piece of shit. And I am, and I do, because I can't do simpering and sweet talking with a person who has no respect for me, who won't pull his weight around the house, who sees household jobs as not his problem, who puts his leisure time above joining in with family activities, who is either glued to the computer or blocking the world out with a book, who talks to my friend about books because I don't have time to read, who can't be arsed to think of anything to do with DS other than train set or tv, both of which can be combined with book/computer, who decides to have a shower just as we are about to go out and who gets the face on because for some reason I'm not that bothered about sex any more.

Tonight he told me I could have ten minutes to tell him exactly why I was being so unpleasant to him, so I declined to talk on those terms as I need a conversation, not a telling off where he decides the terms.

So I am on the sofa.

and will the merry-go-round start up all over again tomorrow ?

Probably.

I am sorry.

Can you see any way out of your unhappiness ?

BTW..."ten minutes to speak to me.."

his bags or my bags would be on the lawn for that gem alone.. how fucking dare he ?

sounds like you've really grown apart now...sadly. time to move on??

It makes me feel like I am such a worthless cow that it isn't even worth talking to me like I'm a person.

Thanks, AF.

I don't know how to have a conversation with someone who just comes back with "Yeah, but you said this two weeks ago last Wednesday, so you started it and also, you swear too much, and you complain a lot and don't smile at me much".

I said, "You don't like me, do you?" so he said "Oh, here comes the self pity and the sad face".

Yes, actually, I do feel quite sad. I think my marriage is on the rocks. I'm supposed to be doing cartwheels?

Stop talking to him. It is clearly a complete waste of time (for you...for him ? who fucking cares...)

What do you want to do ?

'Tonight he told me I could have ten minutes to tell him exactly why I was being so unpleasant to him, so I declined to talk on those terms as I need a conversation, not a telling off where he decides the terms.'

It would taken me about 30 seconds to say, 'Because you act like a twat who thinks I'm unworthy of respect.'