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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I a complete moron?

19 replies

CatPower · 30/10/2010 23:55

Backstory - DP and I have been together for just over six years, and have a four year old son. We've been living together since before son was born, have just moved to a nice house in a better area etc, and things between us have been great for a long time, after some ups and downs early on.

I've been a bit girly, because I've been hinting for a while that I'd like to get married, with little reaction from him. Tonight we found out one of his best friends has gotten engaged to his gf, and this got us talking about our relationship, to the point where I pretty much bared my heart to him and asked him to marry me.

He replied with an embarrassed shrug and "uh... I dunno".

Now I'm sat here feeling like a complete idiot, like I've "pressured" him or asked too much or whatever. :(

OP posts:

thelunar66 · 30/10/2010 23:59

No, you are not even a little bit of a moron. You just took him by suprise I should think.

At least you didn't do it in public.

A mate of mine asked her DP to marry her in a club, lights on, microphone in her hand. He turned her down. I could not have stood the shame. Amazingly she is still with the twat him.

Alfreda · 31/10/2010 00:01

Well, big up to you for being so brave. If he doesn't go for it now then it will probably be his loss, in the end.

I fail to see, when you have been together so long, and have a house and a child together, why marriage has to be such a big deal for him. You are already committed very deeply. Can't he see this?

FWIW I have a couple of friends who have had this situation a long time. One couple finally married after 14 years together and 2 children, and I know that she was always very keen, and he was very resistant. His Dad had married 3 times, and he was badly affected by that as a child. Also another couple who have just got engaged after a similar time, and also with 2 children. So it may well happen for you, and be just fine.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you being honest about how you feel.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 31/10/2010 00:03

FGs you have a child together and he's avoiding discussions about getting married and YOU feel like you're in the wrong???? call me old fashioned but is keeping his options open just in case someone better comes along?

NothereisnobodylurkingbehindU · 31/10/2010 00:04

You haven't asked too much - but I would want to know why he doesn't want to get married.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 31/10/2010 00:05

No, you're not a complete moron but men tend to pootle along with things :sweeping statement: and you may have surprirsed him.

Time for a bit of a chat if it's something you want to do?

DinahRod · 31/10/2010 00:06

Would just say you 'always thought he was more decisive than that', so he knows you found him a bit wanting, and then just leave it for now, as you're right, you don't want to think you twisted his arm. Give him time to live with the idea, he knows now how you feel but perhaps he's never given it any thought, just enjoyed the status quo - but seeing his bf getting married might get him thinking, especially when he sees what it's like for himself.

blinks · 31/10/2010 00:09

how would you feel if he just doesn't want to ever get married? could you live with it?

Original poster

CatPower · 31/10/2010 00:09

I'm just sat feeling like a total idiot. He doesn't like any kind of pressure or surprise or confrontation etc, when faced with that he does the whole stare at the floor/stay silent/change the subject thing which drives me bananas... and yet I love him, always have and I want to be with him. I hate having to correct people when they say I'm his wife, I hate not having the same surname as my son, and I hate feeling like I'm just not good enough to be marriage material. Surely six years is a long enough "trial run"?

(I promise I'll stop being whiny and crap by the morning, just having a bit of a wallow on here just now).

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFangs · 31/10/2010 00:12

"DP and I have been together for just over six years, and have a four year old son."

There is your answer right there.

WHY does he need to marry you? he has it all on his plate without having to stump up for a thing.

I know some that are on DC3 and still not been asked. I know one with 2Dc and now if she's asked she'll turn HIM down.

Old biddies'd say something like why would they go to the effort of marrying you when you've given it all away for free?

Sorry to be so harsh on him/you, honestly feel for you. You can't expect these kind of people to 'do the right thing' they just won't.

LittleMissHissyFangs · 31/10/2010 00:13

Oh and NO, you are not a complete idiot (Moron not a nice word on MN)

HE IS THE FOOL!

KristinaM · 31/10/2010 00:15

can i just ask - do you want to be married to him or have a wedding? some people dont fancy a big fancy wedding but woudlnt mind actually being married ( which is essentially a legal contract)

Original poster

CatPower · 31/10/2010 00:19

I really don't want "the wedding" in the white dress/party/bridezilla sense, god no. I do want to "be married" - the sense of security, commitment, safety etc. I know that's not very 21st century, and my inner feminist is kicking me for saying it, but it's what I want. I think I bloody deserve it, just some kind of sign from him that he wants me as much as I want him. But no, he's asleep on the sofa (or pretending to be) whilst I'm being grumpy in the other room.

OP posts:

Alfreda · 31/10/2010 00:20

"he doesn't like any pressure or surprise or confrontation"

There you have the problem.

Write him a note. Explain what you have said here: that you hate having to explain you are not his wife, you hate that your child has a different name, you feel maybe that being married would make you a proper family: and you love him. And if the thought of the public exposure of having a wedding is painful to him, you can have a quiet one....And then tell him you may ask him again sometime soon, so please think about it because you'd like an answer.

Give him a month or so, and then ask him again.

domesticslattern · 31/10/2010 00:41

I asked my DP to marry me and he went all sheepish and said no. I feel your pain OP.
I told him that I wouldn't mention it again for 12 months but he needed to understand that it was an absolute deal-breaker for me and that I really needed the commitment from him, and that I thought it would get more and more of a problem for me in the future.
Lo and behold, six months later he proposed.
Funny thing blokes, they need a bit of pressure but they also don't want to feel coralled into something, they want to feel in control.
Married now for five years. So don't worry too much OP.

KristinaM · 31/10/2010 00:43

maybe its not that he has you on a trial run.

maybe its just that you care about the official / legal side of things and he doesnt. neither position is right or wrong, its just a different perspective.

although women who cohabit and have a child are often financially disadanatged by not being married, espcially if they earn less

but if he know how much it matters to you, maybe he will change his mind?

Alfreda · 31/10/2010 00:49

It's interesting that most respondents here feel that having a child might disempower you if you are not married. In fact if you are not married he has no legal parental rights over your child. My bro and his second wife didn't originally want to marry, both having been stung first time around. When they had kids my bro had to effectively legally adopt his own biological children, or at least have legal documents drawn up.

booooooooooyhoo · 31/10/2010 00:55

my uncle also had to adopt his four children after he married their mother.

tb · 31/10/2010 11:35

Point out to him that his child might be homeless if either of you died suddenly because of the need to sell the house because of death duties. Not romantic, but practical.

WriterofDreams · 31/10/2010 17:56

Men can be weird about this sort of thing. My DH and I got engaged at a very young age and it all went tits up. We got back together but agreed to hold off on the engagement. Eventually it became clear that marriage was on the cards again, everything seemed to be right so I asked him to marry
me and he said no :(

I was really annoyed and felt very rejected and when I tried to talk to him about it he just wouldn't which really pissed me off, especially as he's normally quite good for talking about things. Eventually he just pleaded with me to drop it, and it was clear there was something going on. Romantic eejit had it all planned out to propose "properly" to me and I was ruining the whole thing! Anyway it all worked out in the end and we're married two years now.

I've heard similar things from other friends, where they've asked their DP to marry them and been knocked back. It seems very old fashioned but a lot men see it as their job to propose and don't like the woman to take over - could your DP be like this?

If this isn't what's going on could there be something else that's worrying him? Are his parents divorced? Perhaps he is afraid of marriage, or even of the wedding? Either way sulking about this is not going to do either of you any good. It might be worth just shadily asking him if he might be going to propose - if he seems to say yes then drop the whole thing and hang in there. Otherwise it's a big issue that needs to be resolved.

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