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Original poster

What's the difference between "planning to get married" and being engaged ?

61 replies

birdietimestwo · 30/10/2010 14:50

Apart from an old-style proposal and a ring ?

A couple of weeks ago my DP and I went on holiday to celebrate trying to start a family. We've known eachother nearly three years and have lived together since February. He knows that I want to get married. I was hoping that he would propose on holiday but he didn't. On the last day I told him I'd be much happier starting a family with him if we were married, and he said that he did want to get married but the thought of being the "centre of attention" for a day gave him the horrors.

We basically left it that we will get married in the near(ish) future, next year or the year after next, but also (confusingly for me) that he will propose to me "properly" with a ring etc.

I'm 36 years old. Every man and his dog keeps asking me whether I'm engaged. A "friend" of mine asked me outright this morning, in a group of people neither of us knew very well Angry. People keep asking me at work. I can hear my parents' held breath, but at least they have the decency not to ask.

So - what the hell am I supposed to say (apart from mind your own f*ing business, which I did recently say to someone very senior at work how now avoids me Grin.)
I can't exactly say "well, we're TTC and plan to get married but he hasn't yet gone down on one knee or coughed up for a ring"

AIBU to be getting a bit annoyed ? Incidentally I don't doubt his committment, if anything I'm the one with the wobbles. I just wish he'd blooming well get on with it so that people will shut up and leave us alone !

Grrr. Sorry for vent and long post.

OP posts:
Fecker · 30/10/2010 15:13

I had this problem! Have been with DP for 8 years now (although kids are already on the scene!) I'm not a traditional girl and I never really gave a toss whether or not we got married but the amount of friends and family that went on and on and on about it, you'd think it was a life or death situation!!! He eventually proposed in the new year on our 7 year anniversary (in NYC) and I was gobsmacked - never saw it coming at all!

Apparently, he had been planning to propose for about three years, had four aborted attempts (which I knew NOTHING about, despite apparently nearly busting him every time (?!) and he had also told absolutely EVERYONE we knew!!!!!! THAT was why people were asking and asking - I think they were maybe trying to gauge MY reaction for his benefit IYSWIM (ie. will she say yes or won't she)?! All that time, I had been under the impression that people were judging me and thought I was some sort of mug waiting on a proposal that I was never gonna get! I started to get well paranoid - I never doubted my other half's love and commitment to me but I was starting to think that other people had a dodgy perception of us both living in sin, lol!!! I couldn't have been more wrong!!! They were all as excited as he was!!!!!!!!

I think your DP, at this point, is planning to "get engaged" to you. Don't worry about what your friends and family say - he might also have been letting the cat out of the bag to them too and if not, he's mentioned his intentions now, so you'll be quite within you rights to question him if he doesn't deliver!!! ;-)

templemaiden · 30/10/2010 15:21

I think it has to be the official proposal. My dh and I were talking about marriage 3 months after we met. We started looking for a ring about four months after that and placed an order for one to be made to my specs 9 months after we met, so I guess already for several months we had been planning to get married. But I did not consider us engaged until he got down on one knee, asked me the question and put that ring on my finger.

The knee part wasn't essential, but it was a nice touch. As were the two dozen roses and the champagne. :o)

AnyFuleKno · 30/10/2010 15:23

I'd say planning to get married means actively planning a wedding. Engaged means you've promised to get married at some point in the future (though you might not be actively planning it). It sounds like neither is the case in this instance.

Perhaps your dp thinks he's bought himself some time saying you'll probably get married in a year or two, without properly comitting himself, how cunning!

Have you asked him what will happen if you get pregnant next month?

AnyFuleKno · 30/10/2010 15:25

and of course it's noone's business whether you're engaged or not, but if someone asked me in your situation I'd answer "do you see a ring?" rather than getting into explanations etc

quiddity · 30/10/2010 15:25

Sounds like you're right not to doubt his commitment, and it's not beingmarried he has a problem with, it's getting married. I can sympathise with that.
It's only an issue if you want a "proper" wedding with fancy dress, cake, hundreds of people etc. I bet if you dropped hints that half an hour in the registrar's office would be fine with you, he'd be down on one knee in an instant.
I hope you can find an answer that makes you both happy.

Original poster
birdietimestwo · 30/10/2010 15:27

Thanks fecker, I'm not very traditional either and to start off with I wasn't that bothered about getting married. Like it was for you it's the constant questioning from other people that is doing my head in ! I also feel like they think I'm a mug and, on top of that, are somehow getting a kick out of my increasingly obvious embarrassment / discomfort. Actually that may just be my paranoia, but you know what I mean. I'm pretty sure he hasn't mentioned any intentions to anyone - it's usually the people I/we don't know so well who keep asking.

I will try not to get too het up about it. The pressure of TTC is getting to me a bit too. When (here's hoping) I do get preg then the whole issue will seem a lot less important.

Love the NYC anniversary proposal - very romantic !

OP posts:
templemaiden · 30/10/2010 15:29

It depends whether you are getting engaged with the specific intention of then getting married.

I know people who have been engaged for years (like ten or more), but are not married.

But to me getting engaged is a specific intention of getting married at some point in the fairly near future, finances, and individual circumstances allowing.

For example, if a couple got engaged while they were both at university, it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect to wait a few years till they had both finished your degrees and saved up enough cash to do the deed.

But in my situation, we were both fully mature adults with careers and we started planning the wedding pretty much straightaway - we were married less than a year after we got engaged.

The actual length of time is highly individual, but I would expect there to actually be a marriage - I would not have put up with being engaged forever.

templemaiden · 30/10/2010 15:30

their degrees, not your degrees

Original poster
birdietimestwo · 30/10/2010 15:33

Sorry, reply and new posts crossed - templemaiden I agree, I think it does have to be an 'official' proposal, a conversation about vague plans doesn't cut it.

Anyfulekno tbh I don't think he's being cunning as such, it's not really in his nature if I know him at all. I do think wanting to have a child with me is a pretty big sign that he's committed to the relationship. That's certainly what he says, anyway, and as yet I don't have any reason to doubt him.

quiddity - I don't want a big do but I would like our friends and family there so it would be around fifty people minimum. Even that I think is a bit much for him. Oh well, I'm sure we'll work something out !

OP posts:
throckenholt · 30/10/2010 15:35

Well if he isn't keen on being the centre of attention for the day - why don't you just get married quietly at a registry office ? It doesn't have to be a big extravagant thing - it is just the legal confirmation of your relationship and security for your future family.

And why wait for him to precipitate it - why not suggest to him that there are lots of ways of getting married - not all involve a big event.

Original poster
birdietimestwo · 30/10/2010 15:36

templemaiden I'm in a similar situation as you were - we are both fully established adults and I wouldn't put up with being engaged forever either. It strikes me as kind of pointless at our relatively advanced ages..

OP posts:
throckenholt · 30/10/2010 15:38

cross posts - another option - quiet wedding, then a party to celebrate with your friends and family.

Original poster
birdietimestwo · 30/10/2010 15:38

Hi throckenholt I'd be happy with a registry office and a quiet do but I'd find it hard not to have our friends & family there.

I do want to wait for him to precipitate it because I feel like I've done as much precipitating as I can without feeling like I'm hassling him into it - which is the last thing I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
birdietimestwo · 30/10/2010 15:39

cross posts again - throckenholt that's a very appealing idea, hadn't though of that...

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 30/10/2010 15:39

Agree with AFK - planning to get married sounds like you're booking venues.

It sounds like he's stalling as although the idea of being married isn't all that bad, it's the idea of the day.

Now, you need to make it clear, there's nothing wrong with the registary office wedding (or even the hotel wedding if you want fancier) with just a couple of witnesses.

And if you want to be engaged, you know it's perfectly legal for a woman to ask a man.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be TTC with a man I wasn't married too, but not everyone needs that security.

spidookly · 30/10/2010 15:42

I think the difference is whether you enjoy using the word "fiancé".

You are neither engaged, nor planning to get married.

You are in the ridiculous situation of having taken the initiative as regards getting married (yay), been fobbed off, and are now waiting uncertainly for a "proposal" like some girly gobshite.

If you would prefer to be married when you have your children then have another conversation about it. There are loads of ways around being the centre of attention (a dislike of which I have some sympathy with).

Please don't sit around waiting for a proposal from a man you're trying to have a baby with. It's a silly, embarrassing position to be in and it's not other people's fault you feel that way.

FakePlasticTrees · 30/10/2010 15:44

oh x posts - I actually went to a wedding where there were only 10 of us there, then a few weeks later (after their honeymoon), they threw a party. (and got to show off their honeymoon tans).

Original poster
birdietimestwo · 30/10/2010 15:47

Hi fakeplastictrees I am not 100% happy TTC without being married to my DP, if I'm absolutely honest with myself. Which is why I would much rather be "properly" engaged asablinkingp. Call me old-fashioned (I never thought I was until now !) I don't want to pre-empt his proposal because I would love him to ask me. Which apparently he is going to do... the annoying question is when ?

In darker moments it has occurred to me that he's waiting for me to get pg before proposing, which is putting even more pressure on the TTC situation (in my own head).

OP posts:
Original poster
birdietimestwo · 30/10/2010 15:49

Spidookly, I appreciate your frankness but you don't know me so please don't insult me. I am very far from being a "girly gobshite", thanks very much.

OP posts:
Faaamily · 30/10/2010 15:50

Engagement, to me, means a separate celebration (maybe a party) and calling each other fiance/fiancee. I never wanted that.

Doesn't sound like you're planning to get married, either, though. All a bit vague.

spidookly · 30/10/2010 15:51

If you were that sure of his commitment you would insist on marriage if that's what you want.

Having children makes women financially vulnerable, so you would be right to do so IMO. There's no way I'd be ttc with someone who wouldn't marry me, or waiting around obediently for a "proper" proposal.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 30/10/2010 15:51

T0 me being engaged means the date is set , the church booked, dress and cake ordered. ie it is definitely going ahead (and is only a state you are in for a year at most). I have never understood people "planning to get engaged", but I have very old fashioned views about all this. Planning to get married to me means nothing - a vague promise from someone not really ready to commit.

TrillianSlasher · 30/10/2010 15:53

He told you he will propose with a ring? I find that weird. Why don't you propose to him and get it sorted properly, then you can answer 'yes we are engaged and we are planning to get married in a year or two'

TrillianSlasher · 30/10/2010 15:54

If it s the wedding rather than the marriage that bother him then why not show him the countless threads about people's small weddings to demonstrate that it doesn't have to be e big show.

spidookly · 30/10/2010 15:56

I can tell you're not a girly gobshite, that was my point: you're somehow in that position despite clearly not intending to be.

Sorry, no intention to insult. On way to park, not giving full attention.