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Original poster

What's the difference between "planning to get married" and being engaged ?

61 replies

birdietimestwo · 30/10/2010 14:50

Apart from an old-style proposal and a ring ?

A couple of weeks ago my DP and I went on holiday to celebrate trying to start a family. We've known eachother nearly three years and have lived together since February. He knows that I want to get married. I was hoping that he would propose on holiday but he didn't. On the last day I told him I'd be much happier starting a family with him if we were married, and he said that he did want to get married but the thought of being the "centre of attention" for a day gave him the horrors.

We basically left it that we will get married in the near(ish) future, next year or the year after next, but also (confusingly for me) that he will propose to me "properly" with a ring etc.

I'm 36 years old. Every man and his dog keeps asking me whether I'm engaged. A "friend" of mine asked me outright this morning, in a group of people neither of us knew very well Angry. People keep asking me at work. I can hear my parents' held breath, but at least they have the decency not to ask.

So - what the hell am I supposed to say (apart from mind your own f*ing business, which I did recently say to someone very senior at work how now avoids me Grin.)
I can't exactly say "well, we're TTC and plan to get married but he hasn't yet gone down on one knee or coughed up for a ring"

AIBU to be getting a bit annoyed ? Incidentally I don't doubt his committment, if anything I'm the one with the wobbles. I just wish he'd blooming well get on with it so that people will shut up and leave us alone !

Grrr. Sorry for vent and long post.

OP posts:
spidookly · 30/10/2010 17:38

Nice suggestion there, this is how I would approach it:

"I'm not quite sure where we stand after our last conversation about marriage. Have we agreed to get married? If so, I want to tell people and start making plans for our wedding. You propose if and when suits you, but as far as I am concerned the decision is made."

if he makes it clear that he wants to be able to decide when and if you get married, I would have to rethink my commitment to him.

spidookly · 30/10/2010 17:45

Totally agree with Any about vulnerability

pippoltergeist · 30/10/2010 18:00

I'm not sure I agree with the comments that if a man doesn't propose within 3 years then you are not the one for him.

I was with (dating and then co-habiting) with my DH for 11 years before he proposed. I was getting a little Hmm at the delay, but once we were ready for children he pulled his finger out and proposed.

Sometimes they just faff about a lot.

(BTW we were engaged for 18 months - from when we agreed to get married till the wedding).

spidookly · 30/10/2010 18:23

I disagree with any hard and fast rules like the 3 year rule, but there is often some truth to them.

Eg if I was 33 when I started seeing someone I would expect it to happen after around a year, if it was going to. If I thought he was a keeper we would have discussed it before that in a general way.

I started seeing DH when I was 25, so totally different expectations. He proposed (the first time) about 2 years later. I said no, I wasn't ready.

In the end we had been together 6 years when I finally said yes (not that he pestered me constantly).

AnyFuleKno · 30/10/2010 18:24

pippo - there's the difference, your DH pulled his finger out when you were ready for children

Ordinarily in a three year relationship you wouldn't be concerned that you're not engaged yet, but for a man to decide he's ready for the commitment of having a child BUT he's not sure he can commit to marrying, well you see my point

FakePlasticTrees · 30/10/2010 18:44

I also disagree with the 3 year rule - but only if you are in your 20's. In your mid to late 30's, you don't get to have 10+ years to float around ebfore thinking about becoming a family.

OP - I like spidookly's suggestion of conversation. I'd add that you want to be married before 2012 (so you've got just over a year).

I agree that some men feel the pressure of the 'right moment' to ask - DH had apparently made the decision to ask me to marry him months ebfore he did, but then we had a 'big' holiday coming up and he wanted to do it then. However, for every "he asked me at the top of a mountain/in a rainforest/as we watch the dawn break over the Kalahari" there's a story like the Blairs - Tony asked Cherie while she was cleaning the toilet, and whatever else you say about them, you couldn't say they don't seem to have a strong marriage.

wouldliketoknow · 30/10/2010 18:55

i had the same problem as your dh, i wanted to get married but dreadded the being the bride thing.
solution:

got married in the register office with two witnesses and no dress, when for dinner with friends afterwards...

everybody happy

sayithowitis · 30/10/2010 19:05

Why do you have to get 'engaged' ? Why does the proposal have to come from him? I ask because it seems to me that you are doing the things he wants, putting him in sole control over what, IMO, should be joint decisions about your life together. We never got engaged. DH never proposed. We just talked about what we both wanted in our future and decided that as we loved each other, knew each other well ( had been together 6 years, since we were teenagers) and wanted the same things in life, to get married. I suppose one of us must have uttered the immortal words; ' shall we book a church' or something similar, but it really was a joint decision. We then saved up and got married. I got an 'engagement' ring to celebrate our silver wedding. An engagement ring is not a legal requirement to getting married! I cannot imagine being together as long as you have, getting to the stage of TTC and still waiting around for him to decide when he wants to propose! If you want to be married ( as opposed to have a wedding) then tell him. Clearly. Make it clear there will be no TTC until you are married if that is what you want. Otherwise, if you are not worried one way or the other, just tell people who ask that you are not engaged because you don't believe in it. But I suspect that the reason you get cross with them is because you are actually cross with your DP and if that is the case, you really can do something about it.

nooka · 30/10/2010 19:34

I agree. If you want to get married then why don't you make the proposal? It's not that it matters very much how you decide to get married, just whether or not the two of you are committed to each other. If you are not then really you shouldn't be starting a family. What you say to other people may just be grating because you feel unsure and insecure, but is essentially irrelevant.

So if the conversation you had with your DP has left you unhappy then you need to talk about it some more. Not about whether he is going to propose or not (I really think if you have started discussing marriage then that "down on one knee" boat has gone) but about your joint future. I'd not have children without being 100% sure that the other person was committed because they bring all sorts of pressures into your life. I don't think that having the legalities done on it's own means the other person is committed - I know plenty of committed couples who are not married (and vice versa), but you need to have a clear shared view of the future. then you can share that with whoever you wish with confidence.

Personally I think that getting engaged is the same thing as planning to get married. You decide to get married, you are engaged.

spidookly · 30/10/2010 19:43

wouldlike

can I gently tease you for suggesting that birdie's DP is a reluctant bride? :o

and even better that you got married in the nip? :o :o

I felt similarly to you but had a big wedding with all family and friends and you know what? Being a focus of attention of people who love you and wish you well is a lovely. So there are many solutions to the shyness problem - yours (small, intimate, low key wedding), mine (feel the fear and do it anyway). Avoiding marriage for this reason is ridiculous. The wedding is one day.

wouldliketoknow · 30/10/2010 19:50

spid, absolutely Grin
i also thought all the money would be of better use in a honey moon, for the record i don't like weddings in general, mine even less, so we skip that bit, no rings either...

great that you manage to have a lovely day...

and... every man has the right to be a bride if he wants... gay or straight...

married in the nip Grin if you need to know....

i wore black trousers and a top, and my coffin handbag, which horrorise the register....

the interview for the wedding was funny too

register: what music would you like?
me: no music
reg: what are your favourite flowers?
me: don't like flowers, much prefer them alive in a garden...
reg: about the rings...?
me: no rings, i never wear them, don't want one...
reg: are you the bride?

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