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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you think this was nice, or stalkery?

24 replies

justoutofreach · 30/10/2010 09:15

If you sort of had this ' thing' with someone, that always never quite happened because you always ran a mile in the opposite direction when they got too close.
But you knew you were very much in love with them and you knew they were bery much in love with you.

Then they confessed they have have kept every single text you have ever sent and frequently read them. ( and have proved they have them by showing them) and have every single email. ANd have recorded every single msn conversation. Not gone as far as recoring actual phone conversations though!!

So, every message over a 15 month period.

Would you think that was weird? Or shows actually how much you must mean to them?

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 30/10/2010 09:17

um, that would actually border on the very weird!!!

Unprune · 30/10/2010 09:23

It's quite weird. Though I have got emails from friends, lovely ones, funny ones, that I don't want to delete. But definitely not online conversations.

Telling you about it is a separate thing from doing it. I'd find it too intense and would worry about the pressure being put on me later on to SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

mistressploppy · 30/10/2010 09:25

Agree with Prune. A bit weird, but the sort of thing we sometimes do, but crucially NEVER TELL ANYONE!

But it depends on the individual. Is there anything else ringing stalkery alarm bells?

Original poster

justoutofreach · 30/10/2010 09:28

I think he told me as i struggle to believe that i mean anything to him. Its easier to believe he is lying, or bullshiting that accept anything else and actually go for it.

Occassionally i soften and tell him how i feel, etc... and he says those are the ones he likes to re read. Because it makes him feel less crazy because i feel the same way too.

He wants me to open up to him, but you see, already im looking for reasons not too.

OP posts:

Original poster

justoutofreach · 30/10/2010 09:29

Nothing ringing alarm bells.
im just terrified of getting hurt again.

OP posts:

mistressploppy · 30/10/2010 09:31

Ahh. It sounds like you are beating yourself up rather than him. Maybe it's scary for you because you are confronted with proof of your opening-up.

Do you trust him?

Frrrrightattendant · 30/10/2010 09:32

Not weird no in itself, but the fact the relationship has always been teetering on the brink but never made it suggests you might both be using each other as a lovely fantasy, rather than it actually having any potential iyswim.

I wouldn't let it worry me but it sounds like you don't want to date him anyway, so maybe cool it off and hope he finds someone else to obsess about?

dignified · 30/10/2010 12:32

Keeping text messages and texts is one thing , but recording your conversations on msn without you knowing screams to me of someone with a lack of boundarys and a childish outlook.

Hes a bit old for " keepsakes " and i wouldnt like this re reading of things , nor the invasion of privacy by recording conversations . Saying that , i could be biased as ive had personal experience of this , and he recorded everyone and kept notes on everyone . Initially i thought it was sweet but it was actually ammo for later.

He says he wants you to open up to him ? Well dont do it on msn , as youll be recorded. Does he have a dictaphone by any chance ? There was a thread a while ago about abusive men , and recording people came up quite often.

Your probably running a mile for good reason , the recording , and the " wanting you to open up " would have me running a mile.

duvetcover · 30/10/2010 12:54

Hang on. Lets get a bit more of the picture before calling a verdict on whether this is a good and overly smitten guy or something else.

JOOR, first you say you think he is in love with you. Then you say you are not sure you mean anything to him. Why the uncertainty? Has he expressed how he feels?

More importantly, how do you feel about him? Are you interested? Attracted? How would you describe him? How does it feel when you're with him?

Have your friends said anything about him?

EvilAntsAndMiasmas · 30/10/2010 13:20

I don't think it's weird. I love saving messages from people. Many people do I think.

Twiceshy · 30/10/2010 14:56

Are either or both of you married?

templemaiden · 30/10/2010 15:24

Well, I still have all the texts my dh sent me since we met.

I also have all our msn convos, but that is mainly because the software automatically saves them.

It is kind of nice to go back and re-read them, especially the early ones when we were still unsure.

It's like in the olden days, lovers would keep all their billet doux in a box tied with a ribbon - I think it's sweet.

TheProvincialLady · 30/10/2010 15:30

That would have me running for the hills.

ItsGhoulAgain · 30/10/2010 15:51

I also think it's a bit sweet. What jars, though, is the fact that you haven't actually got the kind of relationship where saving 'love letters' would be expected. So I don't think it's stalkerish per se, I just find it inappropriate in your circumstances.

I'm also curious to know whether you're marreid.

starsareshining · 30/10/2010 16:54

I'd also like to point out, as templemaiden already has, that a lot of instant messaging software automatically saves conversations. You have to go and uncheck a box to ensure that it doesn't save them.

None of it strikes me as weird anyway, but then I've had very similar things myself. It's like living in a romantic film. A kind of fantasy.

Original poster

justoutofreach · 30/10/2010 16:57

Neither of us are married. Both very much single.
Hes told me he loves me, and he thinks im great.
I happen to think he is amazing. I have told him this.

But there is where lies the problem, i think he is so amzazing that he cant possibly really like me, he must be stringing me along or something.

I know this is my problem and he is very patient with me but said if i didnt hold back so much it would be a lot easier. And that because i dont really say how i feel it makes him really caucious about saying how he feels.

Hence why it doesnt go anywhere. WE have just had a big talk and ive been on a high from it for the last few days, but i know already im trying to think that he doesnt mean it, or other ways i can not let it happen.

OP posts:

Unprune · 30/10/2010 16:59

It's a good point about love letters vs online conversations. I have all dh's love letters; I found them in a folder recently and we had a happy half hour looking through them and not remembering having written them.

But I suppose he didn't wave them under my nose and say 'see? see? I LOVE YOU!' but then, our circumstances are different.

MegBusset · 30/10/2010 17:01

Jeez just shag the guy already

ItsGhoulAgain · 30/10/2010 17:08

Oh, I see, he's frantically trying to prove he loves you, in the face of your irrational doubts? Poor guy. You must stop doing this to him!

Second vote for shag him.

CheerfulV · 30/10/2010 18:05

Shag hiiiiiim.

I'm seeing someone who sounds like you. And so yeah, he's probably just trying to make you realize that he does care, and is trying to break through your low self esteem with actual physical proof that you can't fob off as 'Oh but he's probably just saying that'.
Communication is key. Keep talking, don't listen to your thoughts if they are pervasively negative - or you could talk yourself out of a good thing, when he really actually likes you.
That said, I understand that it can be hard to open up again if you've been hurt, and I suppose the right person would be patient and wait for you. Doesn't mean you can't do a bit of work on yourself emotionally, or even have some counselling if you're really in danger of sabotaging something good because of excessive amounts of negative self talk. That would be sad.
Good luck :)

templemaiden · 30/10/2010 18:57

I remember the "Wow - HE actually likes ME" moment!! Hard to believe sometimes, but fantastically amazing when it finally happens.

GO with it.

dignified · 30/10/2010 19:58

Im staying against the grain and saying if your unsure do nothing . I find all this talk of feelings and him wanting you to open up a bit odd , dont these conversations just occur naturally once your actually in a relationship ?

Im afraid i would feel pressurised in these circumstances .

Antalya1 · 31/10/2010 17:20

He likes you and is trying to prove that he's not just a hit and run...he's hung on in there, you may well get hurt again, who knows, but the alternative is to never form a relaionship with anyone again. By the sounds of things he's trying to prove that he cares...

sparklyblack · 31/10/2010 17:28

WRT to the recording MSN conversations...if you have the settings on to automatically save them, it would do it without him really saving them himself, IYSWIM. DD1 found this a few years ago when searching for something on the computer, she came across hundreds of conversations which she hadn't intended to save, just that was the default setting.

It is a little odd to actually tell you about it though, as that makes it sound deliberate, though if it is that's he trying to convince you he loves you, that's quite sweet IMO.

Go for it! :o

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