Husband Crisis- Help

[noniks]

Hi all
Husband and I been married 10 years - always a great, solid, effortlessly easy relationship.
About a year ago he started to drift away, but it seemed to improve, then recently he became very distant, seemed unhappy - Now he drops the bomb that he doesn't know if he wants me, us, our home - says we want different things, that he's changed.
Now stupid things like my weight (nothing unusually massive!), the fact that I love nothing more than staying in with a bottle of wine and a takeaway on a Sat night (I work Saturday)- rather than going out, he says I'm a hermit....
Basically all the things that are "me" and always have been are suddenly not what he wants
But when asked, he doesn't know what he wants....and has no idea whether he wants to stay with me or not.

The uncertainty is one thing, but I feel so rejected....and all he can see is how miserable he is, he's breaking my heart and barely notices.

Tried shouting, crying, reasoning, being kind and sympathetic but feel I'm being dangled on a piece of string until he makes his bloody mind up.

Am 40, solvent, own business, not unattractive and smart.....we have no kids thankfully, --what the hell else does he want!!!
Fairly sure noone else involved, though you never know do you?

Do I sit tight and let him decide in his own sweet time whilst running a business, a home, feeding and cleaning for him.....or do I force the issue?

Asked him last night if he wanted to split - said "No, I dont want to end up living in some grotty flat"
Not a mention of not wanting to lose me.

Angry, and devastated, please help .

Can you afford to live apart for a while? It might be a relief for you not to be with him and he would have plenty of time to explore his navel think.

To be truthful, I have never met a man who wanted to leave a relationship without thinking there's a pretty good chance they can be with someone else. I'm not saying he's having an affair (though that's reasonably easy to find out if you're determined) but he may well feel he could meet someone if you did separate.

That's awful. Could he be depressed? Something must have triggered this. Is there anything else that has happened in his life like work problems, friends etc

So sorry to hear this. How old is your DH?

I think you need to sit down with him and get to the bottom of why he's feeling like this.

What DOES he want?

How does the life he currently has with you differ from the life he sees himself having?
Has he changed or does he think that you have?

Forgive me but are you childless by choice? If so, could it be that he's starting to change his mind? Men have a biological clock too.

hi i would say dont sit and wait for him to make a decision he will play you along for months beleive me i know and now that he has done thi things can never go back to the way they were. my advice is to talk to him but get him to amke a decision and if he wont you make it for him.

He's 42 - and we're childless by choice, probably more his than mine if anything.

Packed him off to Dr, who gave him something for anxiety.....which hasn't made a lot of diference. -

I've tried so, so many times to find out what's missing for him, he keeps just saying he doesn't know...He seems to want to go out lots more, do "exciting" stuff as he puts it.
What makes it worse is that he picked up the bits of me left on the floor when my first husband left me for his secretary (how cliched is that!!) - saying she was "such a larff and loads a fun) - Arse#so he knows I've been through all his before and how it hurt me then,

He just seems so warpped up in himself and how he's feeling, and seems to give no thought to what it's doing to me .

I think you need to take some control back here. Don't wait for him to decide.
He is wallowing. And bringing you down while he indulges.
Start getting a good social life for yourself, without reference to him. I think you need to be in charge of your life, not waiting for the nod from him.

"Basically all the things that are "me" and always have been are suddenly not what he wants
But when asked, he doesn't know what he wants....and has no idea whether he wants to stay with me or not."

Sorry but that is a classic symptom of someone else being involved
He is suddenly comparing you to someone else and you don't measure up

I am not saying he is necessarily having an affair but I would bet quite a lot of money on there being something emotional going on at the least

I would do some digging if I were you. There is usually someone else involved.

But what does he mean by 'exciting' stuff? Holidays, a new hobby, new places to go out to?

He's not being fair to you if he can't articulate what the problem is. You BOTH have to meet the other half way but he sounds like he can't or won't say what the issue is.

Can you set aside an evening on neutral territory - maybe a quiet country pub - where you can have an honest conversation?

I'm pretty much going through the same thing just now. 2dc's and baby involved here tho. Dp wanting to be out all the time, bored at home, saying it's my own fault I have no friends I could go on and on but my own thread speaks for itself. no words of wisdom for you only to say i know it hurts. I have been sitting tight hoping it would all come right, hoping he'd cut contact with a girl he'd met... Pretty much at the end of my rope though now. And yes he picked up what was left of me, I'd had terrible time with x and he convinced me to love and trust again only to trash it. I've had lots of virtual hugs so I'm sending one to you ((hug)) x x

Even if its not an affair, he is definately having some kind of crisis, whereby the grass is greener on the other side. People can grow apart but I don't think he has from what you've said. I mean, he hasn't suddenly taken up base jumping or anything dangerous and adrenal fuelling. He is vague about what he wants, and is blaming you for not being it, whatever 'it' is.

I agree, get him to decide now, and if he wont, ask him to leave. If the only thing stopping him is moving to a grotty flat, that says all you need to hear really.

Really?
Oh God....
What should I do....confront him?

sorry, adrenalin

Sorry but my experience was exactly as Countess describes - I would try and find out if this is happening in your case.

Oh Jinx, thanks - I read your post and send a hug right back, you're having a really rough time aren't you hun?
It sounds like somethings going on doesn't it?
Want to not believe that...but it's happened before and I was a fool then.
Can't believe this man that I love so much and share everything with just looks at me and feels dissatisfied with what he sees:(

WEll I doubt he would own up if confronted
You could dig a bit
Depends what you feel comfortable with really

What swimtwolengths said. If you don't have kids, and can afford it, I'd consider - as lovingly as possible - de-merging your household for a bit.

I moved in with my DP a year and a half ago, and after some lovely times but also some gnarly times (we were both at low ebb for different reasons when I arrived, and it set a not very good tone) I recently moved out again into my own place.

It cost us some heartache to come to that decision, but it's the best one we could have made. All of a sudden we don't take each other for granted as we had been, the love and affection is back in spades, we're going out on dates again and our sex life is back with a vengeance after something of a drought. The longer-term plan is to be living together again, but right now it's much healthier for us to have our own space and as it were plan consciously when we want to spend time together.

I don't know whether it'd be an appropriate move for you and your DH, but for me it helped me feel I'd taken some power back and wasn't (as before) running the house, feeding and caring for him etc etc while begging for scraps of affection.

Also is he recently 40?
That would explain some of it
Men do go loopy and look for something they feel is missing in their lives

Oh, that sounds so hard. I'm really sorry you're going through that.

My first thought is that he's going through a mid-life crisis where he's reevaluating everything and is coming up dissatisfied for any number of reasons. He is focusing that dissatisfaction on you because you are a nearby and easy to hit target.

Is couple's counseling an option for you two? It is not a magic bullet by any means, but it might help...

I hope that things get better for you and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Agree with Countess, my H said all these sorts of things and lo and behold he was having an affair. I'll leave you in her hands as I need to cook dinner and pop back later. She's giving you good advice x

OP, of course infidelity is always a possibility but don't panic. It sounds to me like he's in the danger zone but it hasn't necessarily happened yet - and may never.

You MUST talk to him and I don't think either of you should be thinking of moving out. You're married, you promised to go through thick and thin together and this - as horrible as it is - is one of the thin times.

Plus if he moves out then he has more opportunity to be unfaithful.

Stay calm, have a cup of tea and email him saying you're taking him out to Pub X tonight and you want to talk about how he's feeling because he's obviously unhappy and you are too. Tell him if he's prepared to talk honestly then you're prepared to listen calmly.

Really hope I'm not being hopelessly naive here.

Thanks noniks, really hope you're not in the same boat as me its awful to feel you're being taken for granted and made a fool of while OH pratts about trying to decide if grass is greener elsewhere... Please keep writing, I have found it helps to share even if you don't like what you hear in reply it somehow makes you re-evaluate what's acceptable in your relationship. I really don't have much good advice but I can say I know exactly how you feel x x x

A very good friend on another support thread I am on, has found this site a huge help to her. You'll need to create a log in. If you think it is mlc related, then I would recommend you also register there on there and have a browse and read. She's spoken about it so much and how it has helped her.

there

Ex-h was like this, suddenly complained I wasn't attractive or 'exciting' enough.

What that really meant was "I thought that six months ago, you haven't changed so I started screwing someone else".

Hopefully it's just a mid-life crisis - I of course am interested in how this problem is yours - how exactly are you the problem. This cock is just projecting his own dissatisfaction onto you.

The problem is his - naturally he's an emotionally stunted fuckwit so he says its you as that's FAR EASIER than actually looking at himself.

It's not you, he's a cock.