Husband Crisis- Help

[noniks]

Hi all
Husband and I been married 10 years - always a great, solid, effortlessly easy relationship.
About a year ago he started to drift away, but it seemed to improve, then recently he became very distant, seemed unhappy - Now he drops the bomb that he doesn't know if he wants me, us, our home - says we want different things, that he's changed.
Now stupid things like my weight (nothing unusually massive!), the fact that I love nothing more than staying in with a bottle of wine and a takeaway on a Sat night (I work Saturday)- rather than going out, he says I'm a hermit....
Basically all the things that are "me" and always have been are suddenly not what he wants
But when asked, he doesn't know what he wants....and has no idea whether he wants to stay with me or not.

The uncertainty is one thing, but I feel so rejected....and all he can see is how miserable he is, he's breaking my heart and barely notices.

Tried shouting, crying, reasoning, being kind and sympathetic but feel I'm being dangled on a piece of string until he makes his bloody mind up.

Am 40, solvent, own business, not unattractive and smart.....we have no kids thankfully, --what the hell else does he want!!!
Fairly sure noone else involved, though you never know do you?

Do I sit tight and let him decide in his own sweet time whilst running a business, a home, feeding and cleaning for him.....or do I force the issue?

Asked him last night if he wanted to split - said "No, I dont want to end up living in some grotty flat"
Not a mention of not wanting to lose me.

Angry, and devastated, please help .

Did he suggest Relate? If it wasn't his idea, I wouldn't bother. Spend the £50 on dinner with a funny girlfriend. Seriously, what good is it going to do? Lock him in a room with you (who he's not sure about) and make him talk about his feelings (no man's favourite activity) with a total stranger?

Yes, Relate can do wonders but only if the man wants to do it, if he asks you to come with him, if he's leading it. Otherwise it's a duty-thing.

There's a great relationship book you NEED to read, "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov. Get it on Amazon, have it delivered to your spa room this weekend. It's funny and light but brilliant.

She says, "Men don't respond to words, they respond to no contact."

Let him worry that he might have lost you by his navel-gazing whining and his talk of "grotty flats". You are woth BETTER than that. Don't give him meals and the benefit of your presence and the comfort of knowing that good-old Noniks is there as usual, glued to the sofa, safe as Mum.

Be glamorous, mysterious, elusive noniks who might just be fucked off with her hurtful DH and might be consulting a solicitor, or having lunch with another man, one who appreciates her.

Is this good enough for you? No. Should you finish it? Not necessarily, if he's what you want. Should you force him to talk about his feelings? NO. Should you give him space to realise his feelings by himself? YES.

Here endeth my rant. Be strong! Vanish! Retreat and regroup! Talk net week if you HAVE to (if he asks you to), but not now. Let him feel how boring his weekends are without you. Let him miss you.

Great advice, Beautiful. Takes some guts and might feel as though it's taking you in the wrong direction but with the benefit of hindsight, turning into some Stepford wife really really won't work. Plus it's exhausting.

What a fantastic Rant Beautiful- bet you feel better now.

Seriously noniks you would do well to head her advice.

And if for a minute you're thinking, "He might have another woman and he might just bang her all weeend if I've disappeared" then your head isn't thinking clearly.

He might have another woman, but he married you so somewhere inside him is a SHEDLOAD of love for you because men don't marry women they're just not that into. At some point he thought you were the bee's knees, the best a man could get, and it's all still in there now if you give him room to access it.

Even if he did bang another woman all weekend, you'll still be on his mind more than she is because he won't know where you are, he won't knowwhat you're doing, he won't know who you're with and he won't know if you're coming back. Those questions will throw you right into the forefront of his mind all weekend.

Have you ever sent him a text and he hasn't replied for a couple of hours? Noticed how that makes you think about him a million times more than when he replies immediately? Makes you wonder what he's doing, thinking, etc? That's why they say "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". Mystery is your greatest power and you've lost it in the boring daily-life of marriage (some of it is inescapable).

He might be angy if you disappear, but anger is GOO, it's a sign he CARES. nger is far better than his "I don't know how I feel about you" bollocks.

Ugh, sorry - I'm totally carried away now and really on my soapbox. I'll stop!

I'm never too keen on the advice of "keep him at home because if you chuck him out he will have more chance to shag her"

If he wants to shag her he will. yOu shouldn't have to keep him around to stop him fucking someone else.

But BEAUTIFUL, they are married. They made vows. Her DH just might not be having an affair - he might actually be depressed / worried / sad about something. I agree he needs to open up and discuss it - which is presumably what the OP is trying to initiate tonight.

If the OP was a man posting about his DW acting like this and saying these things then I'd bet my mortgage that you wouldn't be suggesting that he buggers off and leaves her for the weekend.

Rhinestone, men and women are DIFFERENT.

Yes, they made vows. How is his telling her "I dunno what I want but it might not be you" respecting those vows? Is HE offering to fix the problem, is HE taking himself to the Dr's for anxiety pills, is HE booking Relate sessions, is HE booking dinners? Noooo. He's doing nuthin except dangling her on a rope.

He needs a kick up the arse in the ONLY way that men truly understand -- the disappearance of the woman, the sinking feeling of, "Shit, I blew it".

I don't like nonik's plan of running, Relate and dinner. It feels like a no-plan. It feels safe.

I know how you feel. When my DP was gearing up to leave me and I asked if he was seeing someone else he said 'Who would want me with 2 young kids?' But then as soon as another woman showed him some attention and gave his ego a boost he was gone like a shot.
Not to her but it gave him incentive and hope. What amazes me is the lack of commitment men seem to have these days. Its just too easy to think things are getting a bit dull around here I think I'll just leave her, she'll get over it. They work it all out in their heads without telling you and then when you find out its too late, there's no changing their mind.
Well its been 5 months now for me, and if there's one thing I know I will never let a man use me like that again. I am slowly returning to my old self (pre kids) and I have learnt so much, it has been SO hard but made me stronger and brought back my independence.
I really believe you have very little chance of changing his mind now, the best thing for your own sanity is to end it and try to move on with dignity. Best of luck

OMG! BEAUTFUL's rant is absolutely spot on. I can't actually believe I wouldn't have thought of it all myself - but it's so so true.

Running, Relate and dinner? Fuck that. Let him wonder where you are and what you're doing - it'll focus his mind a bit, that's for sure. And then, take control. What do you want? Never mind sitting on the sofa waiting to hear what he wants - all in his own time.

BEAUTIFUL, hang around for a bit on the Relationships board - you're a breath of fresh air round these parts.

Shucks.

I really like Beautiful's plan of action.

I think in the long run it is fighting for the relationship far more than being a doormat would be (with feeding him dinner and setting up the Relate appointment).

This way he gets to really see and appreciate what he has and get to the bottom of his own feelings and maybe reorder his priorities far faster than in countless Relate sessions, and with the added advantage of far less pain for Noniks too.

A man who is shrinking from the thought of revealing the name of the OW, or getting some sort of thrill from playing two women at the same time needs the short sharp kick in the pants that Beautiful's approach is.

And as for the grotty flat remark. He has thought about moving out and maybe looked at some flats. He is maybe wrapping his mind around the thought of how he could manage his own laundry and cooking etc. 'Safe as mum' is soooo right.

So, noniks - any news? How did dinner go?

It went ok - I didn't disappear, mainly cause I had to work all weekend. I made a decision to not force him to talk but just see if I could recapture some of what's been missing.

Sort of felt I had a plan, even if a safe one.....but Beautiful and her prolific postings have made me wonder.

But - maybe he is ill, depressed, sad, maybe I actually want to save my marriage and maybe he isn't seeing another woman.
Positive or naiive?......rhetorical question

Just numb, don't want to wreck my life unecessarily, I love him, that's why I married him.

Thanks for the advice - but none of it the definitive answer, as we all know, so I'll just cherry pick the bits that make sense and be damned. Safe or otherwise. Maybe it's just proactive.
Relate tonight.
If this does go wrong I want to be sure I did everything possible to save it - I like the moral highground.

How hurtful for you. I agree with Kat take back the control of your life and then tell him you are open to an honest discussion where you will both decide where the relationship is going..
You will be ok ain't nothing wrong with being content with your life you don't need to prove anything.

Have re read Beautiful's posts.
Much of it to make more sense now and sounds appealing....and I will order the bitch book right now.

Clever lady.

Noniks, so how are you? Did you order the book? What's happeing? How was Relate?

I'm hugely emotionally invested in your thead so really hope you come back and update it regularly!

Can I help?

any news?

FWIW, I think it is very important to have your own life and not be always available.

I know you want to sit on sofa with wine, but don`t you think that once you are out with friends, it is always worth the effort?

It`s not good to just be around all the time.

Try to take a bit of emotional distance from DH, let him simmer a bit.

Make some changes, please.

Have just caught this thread as I was away last week.

BEAUTIFUL's advice is brilliant. I thought I was the only one who could not stomach the doormat approach to "saving" a relationship.

B, there is another thread you need to find on here. The lady in question is looking to buy books "How to keep your man", taking up golf and pool with him (which she hates) and just generally doing the one-handed clapping thing.

3, 2, 1... go

OP, please, dig out your self-respect and invite this tosser to sample the single life he is clearly hankering after. I can almost guarantee he will be back with his tail between his legs. If it sends him to the arms of an OW, then you get your answer, don't you ?

Oh yes, get over there, Beautiful. It's getting critical on that other thread!!

OP, hope you are ok and Relate went well.

I can't find that other thread... Where is it?

would love to see that other thread if you can help me find it!

Feeling better this week - took a couple of days out to think and invest time in myself....and actually find myself feeling much more positive, secure and confident.
Done practical stuff like working out that I can afford to stay in the house without him and that makes me feel better.

And without trying I'm not crying and geting upset.....I feel angry at him and not half as interested in what he thinks - and he's been so much nicer. THough obviously is still a git,

Relate went ok, he acted like a real arrogant sod, and made a fool of himself.
Another appointment \thursday night.

thanks again all - specially Beautiful
Off on work jolly to London till Thursday, will be in touch