Husband Crisis- Help

[noniks]

Hi all
Husband and I been married 10 years - always a great, solid, effortlessly easy relationship.
About a year ago he started to drift away, but it seemed to improve, then recently he became very distant, seemed unhappy - Now he drops the bomb that he doesn't know if he wants me, us, our home - says we want different things, that he's changed.
Now stupid things like my weight (nothing unusually massive!), the fact that I love nothing more than staying in with a bottle of wine and a takeaway on a Sat night (I work Saturday)- rather than going out, he says I'm a hermit....
Basically all the things that are "me" and always have been are suddenly not what he wants
But when asked, he doesn't know what he wants....and has no idea whether he wants to stay with me or not.

The uncertainty is one thing, but I feel so rejected....and all he can see is how miserable he is, he's breaking my heart and barely notices.

Tried shouting, crying, reasoning, being kind and sympathetic but feel I'm being dangled on a piece of string until he makes his bloody mind up.

Am 40, solvent, own business, not unattractive and smart.....we have no kids thankfully, --what the hell else does he want!!!
Fairly sure noone else involved, though you never know do you?

Do I sit tight and let him decide in his own sweet time whilst running a business, a home, feeding and cleaning for him.....or do I force the issue?

Asked him last night if he wanted to split - said "No, I dont want to end up living in some grotty flat"
Not a mention of not wanting to lose me.

Angry, and devastated, please help .

Oh this all sounds so familiar...the signs are all there.

Thanks for your support - please keep it coming, so reassuring to know it's not just me and you can get through this crap. Whay are men so stupid?

Why are men so stupid? Oooh there's a question! He may just be having a mid life crisis noniks. I think counselling would be a good way to go. Also the suggestion of taking him out to have a rational talk is a good one. Basically you need to find out exactly why he has suddenly come to the conclusion that you are no longer what he wants.

Sorry, another one here who heard all this, presumed it was a midlife crisis or work stress and then later discovered an OW had been on the scene all along. They must get issued with the same script.

My advice - confront it now. Don't let this drag on hoping it will get better. Get straight into couples counselling if you can, we left it far too late and too much damage was done. Sorry you're going through this, it's emotionally draining, but you are doing the right thing by getting on to it now.

Noniks No great advice I'm afraid, just wanted to let you know you are not alone (can't believe there are so many of us).

After 13 years (2DC's) and DH being 'different/in bad form' for 2 years (I thought due to massive work stress & two small babies), he started with the "I don't know what I want anymore" line. "I love you, but not the way a husband should" (original!). I think it would sound like OW to anyone else but he is denying it with a passion and I haven't found any firm proof (although my trust in him is gone now). I don't know what the right thing to do is. I believe in marriage and supporting your husband, but I had been patient and his emotional punchbag for nearly two years. I had provided him with a lot of support and not received too much back.

I felt I had to either put my foot down or be a doormat. So I asked him to leave (2.5 weeks ago). He just went yesterday. He started trying to 'take it all back' around 48hrs after he knew I was serious. He has at least started talking and has taken responsibility for his behaviour. He says he thinks it was brought on by massive stress (which he never really detailed before). He says since this stress he has made some terrible decisions and behaved like a person he doesn't want to be and that he wants to change. He keeps coming out with pathetic lines, "I can't believe this is happening, I don't know how we've ended up here, I want to be with my family. I think I just needed a shock."

I would like to think its a mid life crisis brought on by work stress but don't know at this point. I've told him exactly what I need from him for him to consider him coming home and I definately haven't had that. I've also explained that he has crushed my total belief in our marriage/trust for him. To say my perfect/total love for him has been cracked, is an understatement.

I may not have picked the right course if he is truly going through a crisis but I couldn't see another way. I wish you best of luck with your choices and am sorry you are going through this.

Another one who was told all those things and there was an OW.

Sorry OP :(

Sleepless, just wanted to wish you well - what a brave thing to do, I really admire your courage and wish I'd done the same much earlier in my case. I hope that you can find a way through this.

Fruitshoot Thank you for your kind words. I hope you are doing ok (not sure how long ago it is for you). Wishing you much happiness for the future.

Exactly the same situation here as well - sorry it is all so familiar ........... we did (eventually) get back together after going to Relate, lots of heart searching etc etc but in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if we had separated ............... it is very, very hard to have a succesful marriage after such a breakdown in trust.

This all sounds so familiar. My dh started saying he was bored and wanted to do more exciting things a year ago. This then progressed onto 'I'm not sure if I love you anymore' and now we have been separated for 5 weeks.
He could never give me a reason and no OW has appeared yet. But he refused to go and see a someone either as a couple or on his own, in fact he didn't seem
To do anything to stop our marriage from ending and I think this is what hurts the most especially after 18 years and 2 dc's.
If he will go and see someone with you then you may begin to understand what is going on in his head. If not then you may never know.
Good luck and hugs.

Noniks the reason this behaviour is so cruel and cowardly is because it has left you wondering what it is about you that is suddenly so awful, when you know you haven't changed. But listen to him. He said he has changed.

What that usually means is that he is finding fault with you all of a sudden, simply because you are not the OW and he needs to justify what he is doing. Much easier to demonise you. I've no doubt he will deny till he is blue in the face that there is no-one else involved, but for your own mental health and sanity, be hugely sceptical. I have lost count of the times I have heard this script and there is always an OW involved.

I think I agree with Laurie that they begin a MLC process and feel unhappy but this is quickly projected onto us as being the cause of all their woes so they can a) not have to look at their own failings and mistakes and b) leave without feeling too badly because we're so awful.

My xh made me and our 17 year relationship a scapegoat for the mess he made of his life and I have no idea if he will ever come out of his reverie and see that or not.

Sleepless I spent 2 years doing exactly what you described and I dont regret it because I know I did all I could to allow him to sort himself out and for our marriage to work for the sake of our dc.

This thread is by turns sad and inspiring in that there are so many of us but we are ok ?

Sorry Noniks, but it sounds like he has fallen out of love with you. If he is having an affair then it's because he doesn't love you any more - the distance between you came first, the ow didn't cause the breakdown of your relationship. Don't get distracted.

You also sound more angry than distraught. How much do you really want or need to save this relationship? If you want to hold on at all costs then you will have to listen to and consider what he really needs from a relationship, and maybe make some compromises.

Hi,

It could be another woman but it could also be he's depressed/stress/breakdown related. Has something happend to him lately? Lost his job or anything like that? It could be he is taking the way he feels about himself out on you.

It could be another woman so it might be worth looking into but don't ask him about this try snooping . Does he work late or tell you he will be home late? You noticed different patterns in him lately? Will he say he's goimg to gum or hobby after work? Try seeing if he. Is at those places he says he's at. Follow him u need to find. Out wether there is someone else or wether its stress etc related. Seems strange after all these years to say he's fed up of u.
Goodluck - let us know how u get on xx

I think the best solution short-term would be for you and your DH to have LOTS of time apart, ideally he needs to move out.

Have you ever gone off someone? It's so easy when you spend all your time together. From his point of view, you are far too available, sit around on the sofa, aren't thin, are always there... Etc.

An easy thing for you to do now to take control back is for you to start going out more. Not stroppily, but fill up three or four evenings next week going out doing stuff without him. See friends, go to see a film, take yourself out for dinner - anything. DO NOT STAY IN ON THE SOFA. Look very good when you go out.

Next, don't beg him to talk about this. he less you dig, the more open he'll become (eventually). if you say anything, make it something along the lines of, "I love you and so I'm sorry you're unhappy. I'd rather we stayed together but I understand that you might not want to. I will help you find somewhere new to live."

Do the cleaning in one power-hour every day and be a bit breezy about his stuff, treat him like a flatmate.

Join a gym. it gives you a bolt-hole, a place that's yours, things to do in the evening, more energy, other options, you'll completely change how you look and feel.

DON'T sit around on the sofa trying to get him to talk, or trying to drag him to Relate, or the Doctor's, or anything like that. He has slapped you in the face. Time for you to get busy now. Fill your life with things that make YOU feel AWESOME and then see if you have any room left over for him.

Basically, turn your focus totally back onto you and your stuff and your life and your future and your appearance and your health and you, you, you.

DO NOT let him see this has hurt you - it'll be a weird ego boost for him and make him feel you're just in his pocet and there for him to pick up or put down at will.

DO NOT try to change the way he feels. It's beneath you. You want someone who's mad about you.

DO NOT be available, an open book. It's a cliche but desire is boosted by mystery and unavailability.

DO NOT let this get you down more than it has to. It will of course, but do that in private. He REALLY needs to feel terrified that he's blown it and that he's lost you. Only then will he remember how amazing you are.

Agree with Beautiful. Take control back. And entirely agree that sitting on the sofa every evening is not a Good Thing. Get out there.

Beautiful's advice is wonderful. tbh I did try this with my p but it really didn't seem to make a difference just gave him more of an excuse to please himself. I'd give it a try tho nothing ventured nothing gained. At least it might make you feel a bit better. My relationship ended last night. Can't imagine anything making me feel better right now but I can still send you a (hug). Will catch up with your thread later x x

You should also make more of an effort to go out with your DH in the evenings and weekends. You've got no kids, you're only 40, how tired can you be after working one day??

Look at that from his point of view: you're his partner, you're the only one, if you don't want to go out then he is stuffed, basically. Be his companion! Look like you want to go out and do fun stuff with him, even if secretly you are bored stiff!

Yes don't just fade into the sofa, ragradless of DH.
My friend's husband only wants to stay in all the time and watch TV. She should apparently fill her days with housework. She feels very trapped.
I'm not saying you are at fault at all, but maybe you might want to get a more active lifestyle before you get too stuck in your ways?

There's so much of this out there isn't there?
Good advice all.I've obviously made myself sound a bit dull ! Thing is I am happy with the way I am, and don't want to change to suit his whims when he may just sod off anyway. Having said that, should make more effort to go out and do what he wants - even if it all goes tits up then I want to know I've done all I possibly could.
Going to start running again - great excuse to get out and feel better, cause I hate gyms with a passion.
Taking him out for a meal tonight.
Have booked an appointment for us both at relate on Monday,

Here goes Girls.....thanks and love to all.
Jinx - so sorry,
Lots of hugs to you though I'm sure it won't even scratch the surface of how you feel...
Feel so much more in control today thanks to you all. Will take bits of advice from many of you and do my worst and will keeo you posted (hconfused)

why cant I make my smileys work?

[hsmile]
thants better

You're taking him out for dinner?? He tells you he doesn't know what he wants anymore or even whether or not he wants to stay with you and he gets rewarded with a lovely restaurant dinner??

I'm by no means a relationship expert, but that doesn't feel right to me. I know he said he wanted you to go out with him a bit more, but it feels beneath you to take him out for dinner when he has told you he feels unsure about you. I'd want to make myself scarce, let him feel the loss of me, let him worry he's blown it.

I'd go way for the weekend and not answer my phone. He needs to feel your absence. He needs to feel longing for you again, not watch you trying to please him over a menu. Doesn't he? Am I wrong? Am I getting this all wrong?

Call him up now, say, "So sorry! Something's come up, I can't make it for dinner tonight." then pack a weekend bag and vanish. Don't come back till Monday. Go to a spa, Champneys do amazing weekend deals, it's like £180 and loads of treatments and all meals thrown in. Relax, exercise, cycle through woods...

Let him pace around the whole weekend, at first grumpily, then eventually miserably, then panic-stricken. You don't have kids, you can do this, you are free as a bird if your DH says he doesn't know if he wants you.

Monday morning, waltz back in, cheerful. He's all, "Where the Hell have you been?" and you're all, "Well, you seemed unsure so I thought I'd give you some time to think."

Look great, seem happy (it's a sign of strength), keep your sense of humour (it's a sign of you emotional independence) and let him panic.