I need to confront my mum

[opolle]

I've just got back from my mums house after being called there by my sister and brother. My dad has run off with another woman and they are in the middle of what is becoming a messy divorce. I've noticed that her drinking out has increased but tonight I found her passed out on the floor with a bottle of vodka. My sister had rung me telling me that something was wrong with mum so I rushed over. Both her and my brother were very distressed when I got there as they couldn't rouse her and thought there was something seriously wrong. Eventually I managed to wake her but you couldn't get a straight sentence out of her. I got her to go to bed and brought db and dsis back with me until she sobers up.

My sister is only 10 and my brother 8 and apparantly she calls it her special water which they aren't allowed to drink and apparently she drinks it everynight. I'm extremely concerned for her,dsis and db as they were both understandibly very upset when I got there. She was very hurt my my dad actions and the divorce is turning nasty and will end up in court but I'm worried she has turned to drink. I going to see her tomorrow to return db and dsis home and I'm going to have to talk to her about it.

Any advice on what to say would be greatly appreciated

Oh how sad, bumping for you as have no practical advice. Hope you all are ok.

God how awful for you.

I don't have any advice but I couldn't see you go unanswered. Hopefully some toher posters will be along soon - there are many who will be able to give you good advice.

In the meantime, well done for what you've done this evening- your brother and sister are lucky to have a sister like you looking out for them.

oh jesus, you poor things. I have no advice but if she wakes up and finds them gone it might give her enough of a shock to make her think about what she is doing.

She is going to have to get help. Tell her how you found her and that she needs to get control of her drinking quick before something happens to your brother and sister. Could you have them to stay until she has got herself sorted?

I'm going to ask if anyone from the brave babes thread can come over and help.

My advice would be to tell your mother her young children are already losing their father on a day to day basis, does she want them to lose her too?

I could have them to stay for a short period provided her or my dad paid for their keep.

Sat here feeling helpless as I don't have any advice - sorry

All I can offer is stay strong it will be a tough conversation but you can do it.

It is not safe for them to stay in the house with her.

Maybe if you tell her that SS will soon be involved if she continues to drink until she passes out?.
Tough love and all that.Your siblings need a stable and sober mother.What would of happened if they had knocked on a neighbour's door?

Your mother needs to contact her gp or local Turning Point centre to get counselling and help for her out of control drinking.

I think you are going to have to confront your mother as you say. It isn't really much use asking people who are abusing alcohol how much etc., because they will almost always either deny there is a problem or minimise it. I think you need to tell her that she is abusing alcohol and whilst you understand that she is self medicating to get rid of the pain, this is NOT the way.

Has the drink problem only emerged since the divorce etc. I think you need to tell your mom also that she is putting your young brother and sister at risk and this is not on.

Could your mother get some support for herself (counselling or therapy) could she afford to pay £50 an hour) GPs will refer but there is a long waiting list and then only offered 6 sessions.

BUT you can't make anyone stop drinking and if she does continue, maybe you are going to have to tell her that she risks losing her children (would your father be concerned about the children and put in an application for a Residence Order for the children to live with him) sounds unlikely but you could tell your mother that this could happen and if he gets to hear about it, he will bring it up in court and social services could be involved and the children placed on the "at risk" register and who knows what else. You are going to have to give it to her straight, but offering whatever support you can as she is clearly going through a very distressing time.

Opolle for you. I post on the Brave Babes thread that was mentioned, and I am an alcoholic.

You have done the right thing in getting your sister and brother away to a safe place, and if you can make arrangements for them to stay for a short time, then that would be good.

Most people slip into having an alcohol problem because they're using something that initially feels like it helps to relieve the pain and hurt, but then find it takes more and more to get that same feeling. I am sorry to say this but there is probably little that you can do to change your Mum's behaviour. That is HER choice and responsibility, not yours.

However, many of us on the BB thread have got there because we've reached our own personal 'rock-bottom' point where we've accepted the extent of the mess, and and have decided to do something about it. This may turn out to be just that point for your Mum.

(will post more in a minute)

you poor little love!!

im on the brave babes thread and im an alcholic btw - i feel for your mum, she is in huge pain - BUT - you cannot make her stop drinking, you are not responsible for her and you need to think of your own self-preservation right now!

it would proberbly be a good idea to really spell out to her what you WILL do if she dosnet get help/quit, you WILL have to put the safety and well being of your siblings first, tell her you WILL contact social services, her GP, her husband, the school etc., i would give her a few days to think about it and if she has done nothing then you MUST carry out your threats, as much as i feel for your mum, i feel for you and your siblings more! btw, do post on the 'brave babes' thread if you think we can help!, we may be alkies but we are still mums!

I would suggest that you approach her with a written list of facts, e.g.

I know that you are drinking more than is good for you.

The little children are aware that you are drinking.

The children were distressed by her drunkeness.

Keep the facts straightforward, and try not to get into opinion that she could argue with - she is likely to try to minimise the amount she drinks, partly to fool you and also possibly because she is not yet admitting to herself what the situation is.

If it is possible, can you find out about alcohol counselling serives in your area? Sometimes a google search is all that you need, or maybe someone on Mumsnet could help you to find out. Then give her the tepehone numbers of the GP, any alcohol counselling services, the number for AA (you can go online and find out about times and locations of local meetings). Show here that here is support available.

Then tell her what you intend to do, for example: I will keep the younger children with me until the weekend (to give you a break), and I want you to decide how / where you are going to get professional support. (or whatever else you feel is appropriate)

It is very likely that she will make all the promises in the world that she will stop on her own, and that she is apalled by her behaviour and that she will never have a drink again. She will probably be feeling remoresful, (and hungover) and she will probably mean every word of it. But please, do not let her off the hook until she has a concrete plan for how she will get help. It is so, so difficult to deal with an alcohol problem on your own, particualrly if you have been drinking for a long time.

hmm, i think i put that all wrong, but i hope you understand my drift!

venus puts it better!

Nothing helpful to add, but that you are being very brave, and sensible.

Good luck.

NanaNina she has always been a fairly heavy drinker but it was always socially. I don't think she could afford the therapy sessions if they are that much.
I know my dad is going to find out but and I think that he may try and get custody of them. He will certainly bring it up in their divorce hearing that is for sure. I will definately mention this to her as it may shock her into quitting. I'll also mention about the distress that she caused db and dsis and that they know what her "special water" is.

opolle you should also think about contacting al-anon link here. It is for friends and family of people who have an alcohol problem, and they could give you a lot of advice and some other people to talk to who are in the same position as you. Zombieinhighheel's dh goes.

opolle you could call her on the cost of therapy sessions. If she drinks heavily, she could pay for counselling sessions out of the amount she saves. It is frightening how much money can be literally pissed away.

Turning Point link

opolle i echo what venus and zombie say above and I am above all SO sorry about what you are going through.

I know it's hard but try not to judge, and could you point your mum towards our brave babes thread?

thank you so much venus, your plan of attack sounds a good one. To be honest I'm quite shocked, I knew that she wasn't in the happiest period of her life but I didn't think it was this bad.

On therapy, you would be very surprised how much therapy is available free or on a sliding scale, so it may be you can find something that suits.

Opolle, I'm very sorry you're in this situation.

Therapy etc sound like the way forward. Venus's post is spot on.

It's really hard for me to tell you how important it is for your little siblings not to see the effects of the drinking - you are more than aware by the sounds of it. I know I was. You are being a very brave person and amazing sister by trying to seek help for your mum.

I would sound a note of caution about taking your brother and sister away. Please don't take this as read, but not having ANY responsibility may mean she could drink more. Just a thought, and sorry if that's out of line

Good luck to you - wishing you all the best