I need to confront my mum

[opolle]

I've just got back from my mums house after being called there by my sister and brother. My dad has run off with another woman and they are in the middle of what is becoming a messy divorce. I've noticed that her drinking out has increased but tonight I found her passed out on the floor with a bottle of vodka. My sister had rung me telling me that something was wrong with mum so I rushed over. Both her and my brother were very distressed when I got there as they couldn't rouse her and thought there was something seriously wrong. Eventually I managed to wake her but you couldn't get a straight sentence out of her. I got her to go to bed and brought db and dsis back with me until she sobers up.

My sister is only 10 and my brother 8 and apparantly she calls it her special water which they aren't allowed to drink and apparently she drinks it everynight. I'm extremely concerned for her,dsis and db as they were both understandibly very upset when I got there. She was very hurt my my dad actions and the divorce is turning nasty and will end up in court but I'm worried she has turned to drink. I going to see her tomorrow to return db and dsis home and I'm going to have to talk to her about it.

Any advice on what to say would be greatly appreciated

You knowingly and willingly put your 10 year sister and 8 year old brother back into the care of a woman who you suspect has a drink problem and who you found passed out on the floor after being called over.

You seem unwilling to involve your dad in this who does not have a drink problem but lives 20 miles away with his new girlfriend. I know who I think will look after your siblings better and it ain't the person you've left them with.

You took them back?
I hope you do tell your dad before social services beat you to it.

Apologies if I've missed this and the answer has already been posted, but can I ask why you think your Mum is best to look after your DS and DB rather than your Dad?

However unwilling you are to involve your dad, I'm glad you recognise that it is the right thing to do.

He is an adult, and will find a way to get them to school. That really isn't your problem. You do need to tell him though, and as soon as possible.

i dont think its very helpful to try and give the op a guilt trip!, she is doing her very best under very difficult circumstances - only she knows her family dynamics, we can only advise!, imo she is doing a fantastic job so far - it may be that her dm has had a very awful wake-up call and from now on will be sober - the op has to make that call and i for one wish her the best of luck, it seems to me she is between a rock and a hard place and is doing her best!

I agree with zombie, the OP is trying her best in very difficult circumstances and I don't think its useful to rip into her. She says she's just graduated so she's probably 21 or 22 so I would back off her. She knows her family far better than we do and she did say she was going to tell her dad today anyway.

It not a guilt trip, it's a reality check.

I hope you are right about her mum but, having alcoholic parents and other relatives, I know that families need to come out of denial just as much as the person with the drink problem does, which is why I said what I did.

As it stands, those children are in danger, and I refuse to dress that up.

Hope nothing happened to them last night, and that it goes well today.

Opolle, just to say you sound like a fabulous big sister and I think you're doing a great job.

I really do think you should tell your dad - it's not fair that you should shoulder this by yourself.

Opelle - well done for having that difficult conversation.

I am an alcoholic and fwiw I would have answered exactly as your Mum did: say it was a one off; minimise how much I drank at other times; compared whatever I was doing favourably with other situation - I agree with snorbs - typical alcoholic bullshit. However, I would have also reacted in a similar way if my dd questioned me on how much chocolate I had had (and I do not have a chocolate addiction) - part of it's a natural reaction to having one's behaviours questioned. What I am trying to say is that none of us can guess, from your Mum's behaviour whether she has a long term alcohol problem.

What she has done is behave in a way which was not acceptable for someone responsible for 2 children. And what you did (taking them home with you until the crisis was over) was the right thing to do.

If your Mum does not have a long term alcohol problem then your conversation with her may well have been the sharp shock that she needed to help her stop on a potentially destructive course. And if this is the case, then you (and others) can help her by providing some adult company when she is feeling lonely in the evenings, arranging a sitter so she can go to (non-drinking) group or club, meet up with her for a cup of tea, or a burger and coke. It will take a bit of effort but it will be realtively short term and will help her to adopt some better habits.

However if your Mum has a more ingrained alcohol problem, then it is likely that after a short spell of 'good behaviour' she will revert to drinking, and may be more secretive about it than before. (I do not think I would have given my dc a hard time for spilling the beans, but I would have worked out ways to drink without them being aware of it).

The key question is - how will you ever know the difference? Keep close, trust your instincts, encourage you dsis and dbro to trust their instincts and to be safe, reassure them that they are not grassing her up, spend as much time with her as you can, help her to get counselling support to deal with her emotions about the break-up.

Opelle what did your dad say when you told him?

Opelle I hope you told your dad and I really think that you need to seriously consider whether your brother and sisters best interests are being served by staying with a woman who appears to drink everynight and got so wasted she was passed out on the floor.
It may also be in your mothers interests to have them taken off her hands so she can focus on overcoming her difficulties. Alcoholism is terrible and requires a lot of courage,support and energy to overcome.

I would keep a very close eye on her if I were you