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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to confront my mum

62 replies

opolle · 26/10/2010 21:53

I've just got back from my mums house after being called there by my sister and brother. My dad has run off with another woman and they are in the middle of what is becoming a messy divorce. I've noticed that her drinking out has increased but tonight I found her passed out on the floor with a bottle of vodka. My sister had rung me telling me that something was wrong with mum so I rushed over. Both her and my brother were very distressed when I got there as they couldn't rouse her and thought there was something seriously wrong. Eventually I managed to wake her but you couldn't get a straight sentence out of her. I got her to go to bed and brought db and dsis back with me until she sobers up.

My sister is only 10 and my brother 8 and apparantly she calls it her special water which they aren't allowed to drink and apparently she drinks it everynight. I'm extremely concerned for her,dsis and db as they were both understandibly very upset when I got there. She was very hurt my my dad actions and the divorce is turning nasty and will end up in court but I'm worried she has turned to drink. I going to see her tomorrow to return db and dsis home and I'm going to have to talk to her about it.

Any advice on what to say would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:

Original poster

opolle · 26/10/2010 23:09

I only took them away tonight because she was in a terrible state and they were both visibly distressed. I don't know what I'm going to do with them tomorrow as I've got to go to work. I can't take the day off as I've only just graduated and joined the firm in September and one of the conditions is no time off until after Christmas. I'm trying to get hold of my cousin who works from home and she might be able to have them otherwise I do know someone who is a childminder and she was telling me that she is short of work a few weeks ago so I could see if she could do it. Sorry for the ramble

OP posts:

TheAntiChristi · 26/10/2010 23:11

opolle you are being amazing
I really hope your cousin or friend can help, do you think you can get them to school ok? Or is it half term where you are?

Original poster

opolle · 26/10/2010 23:13

Its half term this week.

OP posts:

venusinthehauntedhouse · 26/10/2010 23:13

opolle if your Mum has an alcohol problem, then it doesn't take much of an excuse to have a drink.

It is possible that it is a very short term thing for her, and that she is using alcohol to medicate for her unhappiness. Alcohol counselling will help her to uncover this.

Valpollicella · 26/10/2010 23:16

Gosh, Im so sorry, I should have said long (long) term - my apologies. I completely understand why you have them tonight (and maybe for a few more)

Ramble away hon - this is a very difficult time for you

venusinthehauntedhouse · 26/10/2010 23:17

And my final contribution of the night...

On the BB thread we have lots of tried and tested suggestions for ways of keepiong distracted to avoid opening the bottle and having the first drink. And lots of suggestions of alternative non-alcohol drinks that are actually lovely and tasty and nice. These are actually areas where you could provide some practical help and support for your Mum (if that is what you want to do). Please just post here, or on the BB thread if you want any help with any of that.

Original poster

opolle · 26/10/2010 23:18

I know it sounds bad but I haven't been around much in the last 2-3 years as I've been at university, travelling etc so I couldn't tell you if its been building gradually over time or not

OP posts:

Valpollicella · 26/10/2010 23:22

Venus has more fab advice

Opolle. Of course you wouldn't know. But to be honest, had you been libing down the road for all that time there would be no way to know either.

Be kind to yourself. You are being very strong here. But you need to remember that your mum needs to accept her illness

TheAntiChristi · 26/10/2010 23:23

DO NOT blame yourself opolle, you will find out in time how your mother is, but know now tht it does NOT sound bad that you have been off travelling and at university - you are young that is what you are supposed to have been doing and don't you dare think that you should be taking on all this on your own

Original poster

opolle · 26/10/2010 23:31

I know I know, my cousin will look after them tomorrow until I finish work then I'll have to take them home and have the dreaded conversation.

OP posts:

Snorbs · 26/10/2010 23:43

opolle, I'm really sorry that you're having to deal with this. You absolutely did the right thing in taking your brother and sister away.

I have been in a very similar position to you except it was my ex with the drink problem and my children that had to be rescued. Make no mistake - Social Services would be very concerned about any parent in sole charge of children who drinks themselves unconscious. It was my ex doing exactly that that led to my children being within hours of going into care.

I would caution against making decisions about your sister and brother on the basis of what effect those decisions may have on your mother's drink problem. Make those decisions based on what is in your sister and brother's best interests. Your mother's drink problem is her responsibility to deal with.

Don't expect your mother to have much memory about what happened this evening. If she's drinking herself to the point of unconsciousness then her memory of events will be hazy at best. She may very well not remember you being there at all.

I'd suggest that you give serious thought to letting your father know what's going on. These are his children too. I know that if I were in his position I'd be horrified if this was going on but no-one told me.

tetrea · 27/10/2010 00:07

OP you need to be honest with her and tell her what will happen if she doesn't get help.

Littlefish · 27/10/2010 10:12

Well done for sorting out today.

Is it possible for you to go and have the conversation with your mum without your siblings around? That way, if you feel you need to keep them overnight again, they may be less distressed than if you take them home, and then take them away again.

I agree with Snorbs. Your first priority needs to be the safety and emotional welfare of your siblings. What sort of relationship do you have with your father?

perfumedlife · 27/10/2010 11:23

Oh your poor brother and sister. Sad though it is what your mother is doing, she is putting the importance of a man in her life over and above the importance and safety of her children.

My mother in law did this when dh's dad left. Dh and his brother were 21 and 19 and not living at home but regularly had to go and pick her off the floor, bath her and clean the place up. 18 years later and she still mourns the loss of her husband who left her.

I find it tragic that any mother could let a mere man destroy their lives and cause them to neglect their kids. It makes me livid. If I were you I would do the talk first, if that made no difference I would tell her gp and social services. She is putting the kids in danger. I know your dad has hurt her and an ugly divorce battle is very painful, but it is still allowing the loss of her marriage to take precedence over her kids.

perfumedlife · 27/10/2010 11:27

Surely your father is entitled to go for residency if your mother has a drink problem? Can he not take the kids right now op?

huddspur · 27/10/2010 11:58

for you OP, I don't envy your situation. I think you need to be honest with her and tell her that she will lose your brother and sister if she doesn't seek help and deal with this problem. Go armed with possible help routes and present them to her.
Good luck

huddspur · 27/10/2010 21:41

OP how did it go?

Original poster

opolle · 27/10/2010 22:16

Well it was the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had.

My mum accepts that getting so drunk that she is passed on the floor in the living room isn't acceptable but she also insisted that it was a one off and that she'd had a stressful day. I then went on to ask her if how much she drank a week, she said that she had wine on weekend nights and the occaisionally vodka and lemonade during the week. I could tell she was lying at this point. I told her I'm worried and that db and dsis say that you drink everynight she very angrily refuted this suggestion which makes me believe that it is true.

I then went on to discuss the possible impact of last night on db and dsis and she admitted that it was a shocking thing to have happened but compared to their father walking out it is insignificant (I was waiting for the mandatory swipe at dad to come up). I suggested many of the help avenues that you guys suggested (thank venus et al) but she refused she had a problem and said it was stupid but just a blowout.

I've left db and dsis with her as I've no-one to look after them tomorrow and she is their mother and she was in a state to be able to take care of them. Add to that she is their guardian and I'm not so I can't keep them without her permission iyswim. I'm going to tell my dad tomorrow, although that could throw up a whole range of other problems as relations between them are already sour but I think its better that I tell him than if db or dsis do.

I'm not really that happy with the whole situation but I can't see what else I can do other than keep an eye on her and db and dsis. I've told Dsis to tell me if mum drinks any of her "special water" or any other alcholoic drink and to try and remember how much.

OP posts:

zombieinhighheelswhatnext · 27/10/2010 22:26

ahh love!, nothing i can say will be of much help to you, perhaps though, tonight your mum will have a good hard think about it!, this may well have been a good wake-up call - i think you should still tell your dad what the situation is though, dont be surprised if your mum is very angry about you telling him, but, in her sober moments she will recognise why you had no choice and maybe it will help her to understand that she cant carry on this way.

good luck sweetheart!!

scaleymcnamechange · 27/10/2010 22:32

You must tell your father opolle. Sorry.

Snorbs · 27/10/2010 23:11

Well done for having the conversation and I'm sorry that it turned out the way it did. It sounds typical of conversations that people have with those with serious drink problems. Eg, saying that she'd had a stressful day as an excuse for drinking herself unconscious, the lies about how much she's drinking, the comparisons to other completely irrelevant situations etc. It's all typical problem-drinker (dare I say alcoholic?) bullshit.

I can't help but wonder if your mother's drink problems have been going on for a lot, lot longer than you may have hitherto been aware. My ex had a significant drink problem for many years before it developed to the point where Social Services had to get involved.

I can understand why you asked Dsis to tell you about her mum's drinking. But I feel that you have - entirely unwittingly and for the best of reasons - put your sister in a potentially very difficult position.

It is quite likely that your mother is already seeing your sister as being intensely disloyal to her by calling you yesterday when she was unconscious. Your Dsis let the cat out of the bag about her mum's drinking. That's a secret that, up until now, your mother has gone to considerable lengths to keep hidden. I don't think your mum is going to be best pleased with your Dsis anyway and by asking Dsis to now act as the booze detective is unlikely to help that relationship. My ex was particularly cruel to our DCs after they called me to rescue them in very similar circumstances. It's also a big responsibility to place on the shoulders of a 10yo child.

If worst came to worst and your Dsis and Dbro needed to be looked after elsewhere for a while until your mum sorted herself out, would your dad be able to offer a suitable home for them? Or is there a particular reason why you have, so far, been reticent about getting him involved?

Original poster

opolle · 27/10/2010 23:26

Snorbs thanks for your advice. I really hadn't thought of that with dsis. I see your point and realise I shouldn't of told dsis to be a detective.

I'm unwilling to involve my dad because he has just moved 20 miles away so he couldn't take them to schooletc. Add to that he lives with his new woman so I don't think it would be suitable for him to look after them.

OP posts:

SarahStratton · 27/10/2010 23:33

Sorry but if they were my children I would rather they were with your Dad and his new woman than someone passed out drunk on the floor :(

magna · 27/10/2010 23:42

Opolle - sorry I don't have any advice or suggestions just wanted to say hope your ok - it can't have been easy to have the conversation with your mum (understatement of the year I know).

Have you got any other close family who could help you.

Stay strong

huddspur · 27/10/2010 23:49

I certainly don't envy you that is for sure. I agree with Snorbs regarding your sister, I think its fair to say she will not be your mothers favourite person at the moment and by asking her to watch your mothers drinking it may inadvertedly have put in an extremely difficult position.
You have to tell your dad (I think I sense some anger with him from your POV) about what happened.
Not sure what to suggest other keep an eye out and maybe have your bro and sis over to stay at the weekend and see how its been.

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