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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

does anyone elses partner have the need to stay at his mates every weekend to get drunk??

53 replies

Lozza83 · 22/10/2010 16:26

Hi,

Reason i'm asking this is because on one hand i think i am over reacting and on the other i feel like he should want to be with me. He stays out almost every weekend and hardly even bothers to call to let me know he is thinking about me. He usually turns off his phone claiming to have run out of battery or not have reception. We have been together roughly 4 months and he stays here most of the time during the week but he doesn't live with me. He says that he does love me but i can't help be worried - he could quite easily be seeing someone else at at the same time even though he says that he isn't. He just says that he likes his lads time to play computer and get drunk. He is 28 by the way....

thanks in advance xx

OP posts:

Hullygully · 22/10/2010 16:27

That's not a partner, that's a child.

saythatagain · 22/10/2010 16:28

In short, no.

lollipopshoes · 22/10/2010 16:29

he's not your partner. He's playing.

If he were your partner, he would be there at weekends to spend family time with you, he would share housework, he would want to take you and the kids with him when he went out. Sure he would have the occasional lads night out but not every weekend, all weekend.

Do you do his washing by any chance?

overmydeadbody · 22/10/2010 16:30

He sounds like an immature idiot, but equally, 4 months is very soon in a relationship.

I would think most guys would want to see their girlfriends at the weekends. You're right not to trust him.

Get rid. Fast. He's not going to enhance your life is he?

18 yr olds get drunk every weekend, not 28 yr olds.

MalificenceBloodandSand · 22/10/2010 16:30

So he treats your house like a dosshouse in the week ( does he contribute to the bills?) and then pisses of with his mates on a weekend? Sounds like a real catch.
He's a 28 year old child.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

frikonastick · 22/10/2010 16:30

seriously, read your post back to yourself and imagine it was a mate telling you this.

do you think you would

a) tell her, oh dont be silly, boys will be boys etc etc

b) dump him. oh and no he DOESNT love you

overmydeadbody · 22/10/2010 16:30

lollipop he doesn't live with her. PResumably he has no kids with her. So won't want family time anyway.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 22/10/2010 16:30

I wouldn't be booking the reception if I were you Lozza...

I think you can do better than this.

overmydeadbody · 22/10/2010 16:31

Does he live with his parents?

pagwatch · 22/10/2010 16:32

No. Because he isn't 15.

lollipopshoes · 22/10/2010 16:32

OMDB - I read that, but if he was her partner then surely he would want to spend time with her and her kids. Boyfriends don't always want "baggage" but partners embrace baggage as part of their partner's whole self.

alarkaspree · 22/10/2010 16:32

He's not looking for the same kind of relationship you're looking for I don't think. That doesn't make him a bad person but he's probably not right for you.

overmydeadbody · 22/10/2010 16:33

yeah lollipop, but this man is no partner is he!

Let's hope Lozza sees the light.

Original poster

Lozza83 · 22/10/2010 16:39

wow such quick responses, thanks everyone. He says he needs space from me too. I know i can be alot sometimes because i am untrusting but last time he just used that as an excuse as we were ok before he left. We normally are ok before he goes but he seems to use me not trusting him as an excuse to need space. He says that i should trust him but never goes out of his way to make me feel better like will go 4 days or something without calling. I'm at a really bad stage in my life right now (i'm on stupid anti d's) so i'm finding it hard to deal with this but i can't let him go.. i have lost my self confidence and the person that i am :(

OP posts:

Frrrrightattendant · 22/10/2010 16:40

So sorry,. but he sounds like he is taking massive advantage of you, staying at your house all week then doing whatever at the weekend. You're absolutely right that he could be seeing other people.

I would dicth him and look for someone more reliable, more responsible and more compatible with your idea of how a family should be.

He's not good enough for you. x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2010 16:41

Lozza

How did you meet him btw?.

You do NOT, repeat NOT, need such an immature manchild in your life because this is all he really is and will take you for whatever he can get.

What are you getting out of this so called relationship because this really is no relationship at all is it?.

overmydeadbody · 22/10/2010 16:41

All good relationships involve both parties having their own time and space. There is nothing wrong with that.

It does sound as though you have got very attached very soon, 4 months is a very short time, and IMHO too short to kno whether or not you love someone.

I don't know how to help. Please don't cling on to him just because you are scared of being alone.

caramelwaffle · 22/10/2010 16:42

Leave him. Move on.

That's an order.

overmydeadbody · 22/10/2010 16:43

What are his good points?

He stays at your house all week. Does he contribute? buy and cook food? help tidy up?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2010 16:49

Lozza,

Re your comment:-
"so i'm finding it hard to deal with this but i can't let him go.. i have lost my self confidence and the person that i am"

You need to regain that confidence and self belief (how and why did that go?). That will come back but he's not the one to help you here and you need to give yourself time. The ADs need time also to work.

Maybe this is also why you can;t let him go because you'll be on your own if you do and you are afraid. But let him go all the same, he is taking advantage of you and he is making you feel worse. He is not some svengali and you are not his muse; you have a choice here re him.

I would also argue that you are in no position currently to have a relationship (you ought to have counselling to deal with your underlying trust issues) and would now say love your own self for a change. You do not need added relationship complications, you need to deal with your own stuff first and foremost.

proudnscary · 22/10/2010 16:58

I'm afraid he simply doesn't consider himself to be in a serious relationship.

You deserve more. I'd cut it off now (not his dick the relationship!) before he makes you feel even worse about yourself.

Original poster

Lozza83 · 22/10/2010 17:23

hi again,

thanks for your advice i really thought that i was over reacting lol maybe not then.... I do really like him, he is brilliant with my daughter and does help tidy and things around the house but his little disapearing acts are just annoying and selfish and starting to make me lose the plot a little. He knows how i feel about it but he can't put aside 5 minutes to simply text or call. I say that i can't leave but i think the reason i really can't is because i don't want to.....

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2010 17:52

Your daughter certainly does not need such a person in her life either!. When was he introduced to her btw, how did you describe this man to her?.

What are you teaching this child about relationships?.

Why don't you want to leave, is this all you think you deserve?. What happened to you to be in the position you are in now?.

You can do better, please work on your own self first via counselling. Other people cannot fix you. BACP have a list of counsellors and do not cost the earth.

Your own trust issues can play havoc in any relationship you undertake and currently you run the risk of repeatring the same old over and over again. You need to break that cycle. You need to sort you and that issue out first and foremost.

Love yourself for a change and give yourself a break from relationships. You cannot even begin to have a relationship if you are broken yourself and if you do you pick poorly (as you have done this time around). You need to heal.

perfumedlife · 22/10/2010 18:15

He is not your partner Lozza, he is a shagger who crashes at yours. He goes out for whole weekends with his mates, and possibly picks up women. You would never know about this, because he keeps that separate.

For god sake, get rid. Your owe it to your daughter to get your health back, emotionally. And this guy is going to delay that or make it impossible.

So, you choose, your daughter or this tosser?

ScaryFucker · 22/10/2010 18:16

oh fgs, dump the cocklodger

you have been together 4 months ?

why would you be so devastaed were you to split ?

he is a selfish arse who is treating you (and your daughter) like shit

dump him, he ain't worth licking your boots

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