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Original poster

My husband lies about money.

22 replies

softhoney · 20/10/2010 22:19

My husband lies about money all the time. He has run up debts in the past and lied to me about them to my face. He only comes clean when he has been found out and promises to change and I forgive him and we continue as before. He is loving and caring in every other way.
Financially things are much better now, but he still cannot manage money and lies about it. The last straw has been today when I asked to see his account on line. He said he couldn't access it and then went into town and closed the account and moved to his old bank account. I am now unable to check his previous account for any discrepancies or bank charges he may have recieved for not managing his account properly.
He deliberately lies to me about this and I do not know why, but is it a reason to end a marriage? He has had many chances and I do not think he will change. I'm tired of the lies.
We have 3dc.

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 20/10/2010 22:22

I would be worried and insisting that I manage all the monies with accounts in my name only.

sharbie · 20/10/2010 22:24

there may be a reason for the lies - i would want to know if i were you
is he just hopeless with his finances or is he using the money to fund something else?

PortoFangO · 20/10/2010 22:25

He moved his account because you asked to look at it!? God, I could not live like that! You are married, you should be a partnership. Fair enough you don't grill him over every last penny, but this behaviour would be a deal breaker for me...

Original poster
softhoney · 20/10/2010 22:26

I have tried to do this, but he just uses excuses or puts it off. He has always been this way, but I am now finding it unbearable. I love him v much, but I simply cannot live how he lives anymore. I feel so sad.

OP posts:
Hassled · 20/10/2010 22:28

I think for a marriage to work you have to be able to trust the other person completely. He isn't exactly giving you reason to trust him.

Do you have your own money? Is he contributing enough to the household to keep everything ticking over? Some people just are shit with money - but if you're managing regardless then it needn't be a deal breaker. The honesty issues are more important than the shit with money bit, I think.

AScaryFuckingLemonadeDrinker · 20/10/2010 22:28

Quite extreme to close an account down - what's he hiding? Hmm

Original poster
softhoney · 20/10/2010 22:28

I am sure he is not funding anything else, He is hopeless with money. He said he moved the account because he wasn't happy with the bank yet he knew that I wanted to see the account.

OP posts:
SuePurblybilt · 20/10/2010 22:29

This would be a dealbreaker for me, having lived with an Ex and a father who were similar. Hiding loans, second mortgages, every problem is the banks's fault etc etc. I can't live like that either and sympathise. But I don't know what you can do, other than give him an ultimatum to hand the reins over to you or think about ending things.

Original poster
softhoney · 20/10/2010 22:33

We are ok with money, he has a good job, but we still have to watch what we spend. He has lied about money many many times and even now financially we are much better, he doesn't seem to understand that he needs to build my trust with this. He has previously sent bank mail to other addresses so I wouldn't find out. He has issues doesn't he? But do me and the dc hang around even though he has had cahnce after chance. I am sick of mopping up his mess and getting angry with him. It stresses me out.
It is good to get other perspectives as sometimes it all becomes 'normal' behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
softhoney · 20/10/2010 22:35

SuePurblybit he has had ultimatums and promises to change. At what point do you say no more it's over?

OP posts:
Mssoul · 20/10/2010 22:42

I can totally sympathise. My DP is awful with money too. It is the one aspect of our relationship that bothers me. Sometimes we have £100 of bank charges in a month. Our household can't really absorb that as we have young kids. Infuriating. Angry

PumpkinsandPotPourri · 20/10/2010 22:47

I think if he has had an ultimatum already, then he has made his choice.

However, if you did not lay it down, just kind of mooted the idea that there would be problems if he didn;t sort out his money (i.e. a bit non specific) then maybe you need to lay down the line - AND MEAN IT!

If the second is the case, then I think you should tell him that you must manage the money from now on, with a carefully calculated budget/'pocket money' for him, on an account that has no overdraft facility. And if he does not agree to this, then you will leave him. If you wish, you could agree to do this for a year, and then review the situation.

Original poster
softhoney · 20/10/2010 22:54

He is down stairs crying now. I am so angry with him I just want a life where I am responsible for myself and the dc.
He has mad many clear ultimatum and I really thought things were getting better. He had made a monthly budget etc, but today when I asked to see his account and he then closed it so I couldn't, it feels like the final straw.

OP posts:
maktaitai · 20/10/2010 23:00

I think pumpkins is right.

Does he trust you with money?

I think he needs to know taht you cannot live like this any more, and that either he gives over all responsibility for money as pumpkins described, or you will have to separate. And he needs to think seriously about what that will mean for his financial future - when did he last manage his own finances, and what were the consequences?

Having relatives who are beyond disastrous with money (and having a bit of the infection myself) leads me to feel that some humans would take impossible amounts of time to be able to deal with it, and many many people just never do. If you need to live with him, you don't have decades for him to learn how to manage money. things have to change now.

Original poster
softhoney · 20/10/2010 23:57

He has just left. Said he is sorry that he has let me down and that he has ruined our marriage with the way he is. He has never left before :(

OP posts:
maktaitai · 21/10/2010 00:03

God, the bizarre thing is, he would be so much happier if he didn't have to stress about money any more. I honestly think that money is like an addiction for some people, i they can't handle it at all. You could try persuading him that life really doesn't have to be this awful, that marriage is about sharing the jobs and the troubles, he doesn't have to do it all himself.

ninedragons · 21/10/2010 00:29

Maybe when he comes back it will be a chance to start afresh.

You have total control of the accounts and he gets pocket money (I think this is abusive if not mutually agreed, but a perfectly acceptable modus operandi if both partners agree).

Can you get a copy of his Experion report to see if he's been applying for loans?

You can't go on like this.

spidookly · 21/10/2010 01:38

This is definitely a reason to divorce.

You and your children are at significant risk financially because his debts are your debts.

He had totally ruined you marriage but please disentangle yourself financially before he also ruins your and your children's security.

NBCProducer · 03/11/2014 15:28

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firesidechat · 03/11/2014 16:36

Reported

Drumdrum60 · 03/11/2014 17:12

He's hiding something he doesn't want to face himself. That's why he's left.

firesidechat · 03/11/2014 17:14

Old, old thread.

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