Thanks Christian. And waves to Oliver whoever you may be - glad you are okay.
What I was saying about "power" was that I wondered whether you focused on the baby issue and not some of the insults directed at you personally, because you thought that your H would have been more moved and horrified by things that related directly to him. Thanks for explaining that it is part humour and part memory-loss, but I still think it's interesting that when you're talking to him, you don't recall the slurs she made about you and you alone. The words that have haunted you, such as "saddo" and "smug". I noted what you said about your reluctance to show vulnerability, even to him. I think that's a momentous admission; more about that later.
I'm enormously pleased that he has been able to set your mind to rest about some other things, she alleged he said about you. What a wasted opportunity it has been, that you have been carrying this around with you for 2 years.
I'm glad that your H has told you that he cannot believe he was the sort of person to have found this "rather funny", but it concerns me that you had to put him on the spot about that, by text, long after the conversation had finished. However, he has at least been able to endorse just how little his empathy was for you, at that point.
It's fascinating that you learned so much more about the affair itself at the weekend. Really basic, factual details seem to have only come out, since you started this thread. You now know when this actually started, that it was him "testing the water" with her that took this from the mirroring stage to the next level and that your H was far more ambivalent about the affair, than you had thought.
FWIW, it doesn't surprise me at all that this relationship was focused on her home, that their assignations were so infrequent and that they didn't have penetrative sex. Or that they didn't pursue other activities, such as meals out and cinema trips. And this is not about the risk of being discovered, either, or not entirely.
In relationships like this, there is a huge fantasy element to them, that wouldn't survive in the "real world" or outside the bubble of the affair. I doubt they had many conversations about current affairs, or politics, their core beliefs and values, or indeed, any of the conversations real couples have with eachother when they are first dating.
It is also hugely significant, amidst all the gloom of what you have believed, that your H still had some conflicted loyalties to you and tried to end the relationship on a few occasions. Also, that he wouldn't engage in penetrative sex, because if he did something that as a couple, you no longer practised, it would feel like the ultimate disloyalty and a sign that your marriage was really over. That means that he didn't really want it to be over, however much he had tried to destroy it in the preceding years.
You have been critical of his apparent inability to "find his own" affair partner and find it strange that she wasn't someone he'd lusted after from afar for years. His attraction requirements as described were quite basic, weren't they? Your conclusion that this was an internal dialogue of "she'll do" is possibly right, but I think there are other reasons for that, which you might not have considered.
I suspect this was a classic "test the water" affair, with someone who was fundamentally unsuitable and with whom he was unlikely to form a lasting relationship. Choosing a kinder woman, with whom he had a proper friendship and a meeting of minds, would have been a far riskier enterprise for your H.
I expect he didn't actually want to fall in love with your friend at the outset, at all. For many people who have detached from their primary relationship, and/or are suffering from depression, going from such a low to the high of an intoxicating affair, has the effect of a bomb detonating. Anyone they choose to have an affair with, will have this effect and it is terribly easy and understandable, to mistake that chemical high for real love and real feelings.
Onlookers to this are amazed that the affair partner is so unsuitable, but sometimes this is a subconscious choice right at the beginning. A more suitable person would have been more threatening and at some level, he wouldn't have wanted that. Other MNetters might nod at this point, because we have evidence on these boards about women and men having affairs with absolutely ghastly human beings and it makes no sense, but whenever we do something that seems aberrant as human beings, there is always a reason.
This is why after the affair is over, and the chemical reaction has evaporated, people scratch their heads in bewilderment that they were ever "that person", or that they ever thought the OW/OM was a realistic alternative. This is why "exit affairs" rarely last the course, because even if they were the passport out of a bad relationship, the affair served its purpose but had no deeper meaning. It was what it was; the real alternative relationship comes later.
Had your H had some solo counselling with a really good practitioner, this might have come out much sooner, as well as his detachment from you; when that really happened and why. The latter question is, for me, unresolved.
Why does he think he did start to detach?
Don't speculate about this yourself, Christian - I expect we could both have a good guess given the events that preceded it, please ask him. And give him some time to ruminate on that, perhaps in one of your catch-up phone calls while he is away. Then talk about it properly when he is next home.
Do please read that book straight away. Don't wait to read it together. I can virtually guarantee that you will find it a page-turner and will finish it quickly once you've started it. Combined with this thread, various light bulbs will come on and you will be in much better shape for your next face-to-face discussions with your H. If he can afford it though, I would hope that he would buy his own copy while he is away - and read it before he returns home again. Have you suggested this?
I think at this juncture on your thread, it would be helpful to recap about how far you have come.
You started off this thread thinking that you had detached from your H first and that this had caused his detachment from you. That you had some responsibility for the affair. You lacked basic facts about the affair, such as when this really started and when it moved from the mirroring stage to the pre-affair permission-giving phase. You didn't know how many times they had met and where all the assignations were. You believed your friend was "just mad" - and not abusive. You believed her story of the affair and that your H had told her some things that were so hurtful that you can't write them down here (and I wouldn't want you to).
Whereas now, you have timelined events with greater accuracy and realised that your H detached from you first and that your behaviour was in response to that. Your H confirms that this was indeed the case. You realise that your H was solely responsible for his infidelity - and he confirms that.
You realise that the affair process started long, long before that May, at the mirroring stage on the walks. You now know that your H still had some loyalty to you and was conflicted at times, but that his empathy for your feelings was very low at other points. However, he was still not capable of saying those horrible personal things, that have haunted you all this time.
You recognise that your friend was emotionally abusive and this view of her appears to be echoed by another friend, whose antennae about her malevolence seems to be sharper, than yours once was.
I said I'd come back to some stuff about you because I'd be interested in what you think you have learned about yourself in this process.
Some questions that come to mind are:
Why do you think you have been struggling with a lack of information and insights about this, for 2 years?
Why do you think you took responsibility for things that were not your fault and in fairness to your H, were not even attributed to you?
Why do you think your antennae about your friend and her values was as it was?
What are your boundaries now, in terms of what treatment you will accept from others?
How can your marriage support your aspirations in life now? What can you do that will bring you personal pleasure and fulfilment?
I am hoping that you will have other realisations - and other thoughts.
What I'd suggest you do now, is to print off this thread and especially this very long post - and highlight what you need to explore more, about the affair, your marriage and you personally. Get a highlighter pen and emphasise the questions posed. Jot down your thoughts in the margins. It's a lot to digest and I think in your shoes, I would find that helpful as an exercise in itself.