Am I being silly to end my relationship because of this?

[goingcrazybones]

I've already ventured as far as suggesting I am calling time on our relationship but talks didn't continue yesterday as DP probably felt it best to let me cool down. I will have to discuss the issue sooner rather than later today and have no idea whatto say or do.

The thing that prompted my 'decision' was this.

About 3 weeks ago DP went away on a mini break with friends. All fine but we haven't spent a lot on us since the start of the Summer - one night out in London - and so we said we'd go out for a nice meal on his return and also that we'd plan a weekend away without any children before mid-November.

The weeks are rolling by and still we've not socialised together any evenings and we both agree (so I thought) this is a priority.

We've agreed to go out this Friday and are almost there with booking our weekend away, just last childcare bits to sort out.

We don't live together and during the day yesterday we arranged for me to stay at his last night. As soon as this was agreed DP said that he'd then go out with friends on Friday instead of me. I started out by saying something along the lines of "er, hello??? I'm not swapping our Friday night out just because I'm staying at yours tonight". This escalated to a discussion about the agreement to go out for dinner once he was back and that that hasn't happened and that he has regular mid-week 'me time' so it is hardly that he is lacking in that respect. He responded by saying he hasn't had a big night out with 'the lads' for a while (a few weeks) and that he assumed that as our weekend away is going to be very soon that I wouldn't be too bothered about this Friday.

He doesn't go out on benders with his male friends a lot and he has a lot of work commitments and has a great sense of entitlement to 'down time' alone. I have accepted this as part of him so I am not complaining about this though in an ideal world I'd expect more sacrifice from a partner. I am a divorcee and have had a very long term relationship end in the past so am beyond the notion of perfection.

We had a short but big row (me fuming and yelling how insensitive and selfish he was being, him saying he didn't want to listen to me) but he responded later by saying via text "you win, we'll go out Friday" I haven't replied to this yet. In fact, the last thing I'd said was that he was a rubbish boyfriend and that I'd had enough.

We had had a lovely weekend with stepchildren with us and so on but still I feel that his attitude stinks.

I know the score in our relationship in that he doesn't see the relationship as fundamental to his life (that's any relationship) and I chose not so long ago after some counselling to accept that. We have our friendship. He is selfish and that character trait pervades through his work and life in general not just with us and I have recognised that elements of that fact are part of what makes me happy in a relationship. I would certainly be unhappy in a relationship where I called the shots (my marriage was like this and a failure) so I have to live with the downsides of what attracts me to my partner. He loves me, I love him (but right at this moment cannot say that with conviction) but we both struggle with reconciling our past to the detriment of our relationship now.

I just don't know whether I do still want to tolerate the inadequacies even though the end of our relationship would be a great loss. I'm quite sick of being bottom of the pile after his work, the children, step children, his ex wife and now, it seems, his friends.

Is it good enough for him to say "you win?" or should the fact that he was keen to shelve our couple time be an alarm bell and a signal that time with me isn't as good as time with himself/his male friends?

We have a great time when together - something he acknowledges outwardly more than I do.

Sounds like you've already given it a lot of thought but for me, I would want to know that I was more important to my partner than you seem to be to yours.

It sounds like you just fit in around him and what he wants to do. If you ever 'get your own way' then he makes you feel like he's going along with it under sufference. I would find it horrible and exhausting to be honest.

It's just as unhealthy for couples to be joined at the hip but you should want to spend time with the person you're in a relationship with, not have to barain for their time.

Sounds like you're unhappy and he's unlikely to change. If you stay with him you know what you're going to be signing up for. Is that enough?

*bargain

This man is Just Not That Into You. You can either accept that or find someone who is more interested in having a couple-relationship.
Mind you, do you have much of a life or is couplehood the most important thing to you? Because, if your P is a nice bloke who you enjoy your time with - your post implies that you are not someone whose biological clock is ticking like mad - why the desperate need to prioritize a couple-relationship over all the other interesting things in life?

I would give up. He doesn't seem that bothered about having a relationship with you. fair enough he has other priorities in life, but it does seem that you are pretty low down the list.

I would call it a day to be honest.

Ew ew ewww! You had to argue with him to make him agree to spend time with you .... he should WANT to spend time with you! he should be looking forward to it! Ditch him and find someone who cares about you, because this prick doesn'[t.

Me too - I would be gutted if my partner was so keen to "escape" me. Agreed with solid gold - he isnt that into you. Sorry as I know that probably hurts but I think you may be chasing your tail with this one.

I have been reading (the now unanimous) replies and wondering whether to post my repsonse....which is; that we have previously discussed his attitude to our relationship. He made it abundantly clear that whilst he loves me and would not want us to separate, he also felt that our relationship was not that important in his life compared to his children and his work. He explained that this was not personal, he just feels that relationships are not something he feels successful in, he is aware of his shortcomings, unable and unwilling to change them and that if I do not wish to live with them then though deeply sad he would respect that but would rather live without the relationship than face picking apart his personality in order to make improvements. He is aware that his Father was a bastard to his mother and his own brother is dreadful with women and that he shares similarities though doesn't consider himself as bad.

In a nutshell, he knows he is selfish and has the attitude that he is unwilling to address this and that it has affected relationships in the past and will continue to do so. He has been upfront about this but also made concessions and minor changes. I didn't really know the depth of all this until after we had children and that's why I chose to live with it. However, now I'm not sure I can.

I think I can live with selfishness but not dislike. Does that make sense? From what you all say, it seems that I may be staring at a lack of fondness for me though he is adamant not.

you have dc with him?

does he live far from you? how long have you been together?

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh but if he was genuinely crazy about you he wouldn't be behaving this way. You sound...convenient for him.

His ackowledgement of his shortcomings doesn't exonerate him from them. He sounds incredibly selfish actually.

If it were me, I'd need more from a partner than scraps of attention once a week when he could fit me in.

Only you can make this decision, no matter what other people think. But you sound like you are saying you can't live with this situation.
so you've answered your own question.

Sad but probably time to move on

Tell him to fuck right off.

What an arse.

Christ, I didn't realise you had children with him. Thoigh they were your kids from a previous relationship.

He is a selfish arse who refuses to change in order to provide a better relationship for you, and a more beneficial home environment for his kids.

He is a waster. i wouldn't waste a second more on him. Leave him to his mates and his work. You would be better off alone to be frank.

I think you have over analysed this, in order to support your conclusion that you should take the path of least resistance and stay with him.

What do you actually get from this relationship?

you have children together and are in a relationship but you live apart?

I think your posts have confirmed what I feel instinctively. I have tried to argue against my instinct in his favour here and not been successful so I must face what I know.

I anticipate great difficulty in making this separation. I have only once in my life ended a relationship as opposed to having my partner leave me.

Could any of you wise people help me now with dealing with this?

I know that he will try very hard to keep me. Last week I said I was unhappy and at the merest hint he offered very symapthetic reasoning and so I put the whole thing to bed once again. He was very loving and kind but did not dupe me in any way. He has been honest about the set up. He will never marry again and has grave dounts about cohabitation (me too). He won't want to let me go, and I am so uncertain about leaving that it wouldn't take much to sway me.

He is not giving any impression of holding out for something better - spending his time working, with his children or in his very male dominated local when he has the option of socialising more widely on a regular basis.

I hope not to sound too justifying of his bleak outlook on relationships or as though I am utterly naive as to his motivations for this lack of commitment. Perhaps I am.

You have one life. You don't get another go.

Tell him to fuck off.

he really has got his cake and is eating it.

Do you have no self respect? YOu have children with him? - you were good enough to impregnate but not good enough for him to spend any of his valuable time with!

If you have children with him but he doesn't want to live with you then that is a total dealbreaker imo.

Telling him that is not the same as issuing an ultimatum, it's just you saying that you will no longer accept the status quo and if he's already been very clear about it never changing, then there's nowhere else to go with this.

Just to answer some cross-posted questions:

We have both been married and have children from those marriages and children together. He has a marriage too from which there are no children and I a similar long term relationship.

I am a very busy parent and 'step parent' and have a good relationship with his children apart from him (I take them to things, go on outings, etc. when he is at work and so on) so I am very busy. I also work. I have plenty of friends but wouldn't say my social life is very friend centred. Essentially my day to day life is about the children and work and I also find it difficult to fit our relationship into this. In many ways our living apart makes this even more difficult but in others it alleviates some pressures and I am neither happy nor unhappy with living separately. I am not confident that I would enjoy living with someone again but I do wonder if it would be happier and feel more loving to do so.

I wish that if I leave him (as I am 90 percent sure I will) I had time to fill my life with making new acquaintances but I just wouldn't have the time or childcare to do so and thus I know it is going to feel quite lonely. Our children will not have the happy set up they do now either, and I know separation can be BEST for children as I've done that before.

Christ this is hard.

Honestly, he'd settle for things like they are until he was dead. We did have a fantastic sex life but recently my libido is just gone because I feel so under-prioritised.

Just curious, because you haven't said - has he had any counselling? Would he consider it? He does seem to have some issues (hate that word) over his father's and brother's attitudes to women.

However, patterns of behaviour aren't necessarily copied by subsequent generations. Perhaps some counselling would help him see that he doesn't have to behave, in any way, the same as they have done/do.

Oh my God you poor love.

No wonder you haven't got any libido.

Lovey sorry to add to this but this man just isn't taking you seriously and you sound like a lovely caring, thoughtful person.

Sounds like he should be employing you as a Nanny rather than calling you his girlfriend.

He's not respecting your relationship, or you.

Good luck

He is treating you like an optional 'nice to have' as and when he feels like it, and once he has had his priority time with the lads.

Tell him that you have very different ideas of what a relationship / partnership is, that you want a life that he doesn't wish to provide, so rather than hang around waiting f him to get to you on his list, you will be finishing the relationship and looking fr the life you really want.

Then do NOT be sweet talked back. He really is treating you badly.

Okay. Your top 10 tips for remaining stalwart in the weeks to come?

As I am not angry, just disillusioned, I only have to spend an hour with him, me, the DC all together cooking tea and watching X factor and being a normal happy family to feel incredibly guilty and unsure.

It is highly likely that once I say no to these 'crumbs' as someone else put it, he will massively up his game for fear of losing me. What do I do to stop myself falling for that when the period between old life and new life is never very happy or enjoyable?

Am not one for kidding myself with a Spa day.

:(

We did talk about counselling for him alone but he is terrified. And yes, more terrified of counselling than me leaving ultimately but scared enough to say to me he'd think about having some. As I say, he really hasn't lied and it is a case of take it or leave it from him amidst honest ackowledgement from him that he is crap. You are right that ackowledgement does not exonerate though.

I sm DREADING our conversation later.

Don't settle for this just because you don't know what else you could get!

Apart from anything else, this relationship musy be undermining your confidence (because you are under prioritised and he makes you beg for time together), and sapping your energy (ditto). You would feel differntly about yourself and what is possible if you were not with him! It's a self-perpetuating cycle of compromise and not-happiness.

I say this with feeling: I wasted years trying to make things work with people who were ultimately time-wasters. It's one of the regrets I have in my life.

Write it down and use it as a script in the conversation. Ignore him if he attempts to criticise this.

In fact, tell him he must listen to you for 10 minutes while you explain what you are feeling, then he is allowed to talk, because you find it hard to express yourself in words about something so difficult.

Write down the 3 reasons you need to end the relationship as short as poss - 3 words - and keep these as reference whenever you feel swayed by his arguments. Has what he's said actually changed these issues, or is it just that he's made you feel unsure about your feelings/rights/needs?

I feel like you almost need a flowchart - not making light of a horrible situation! But he sounds really capable of arguing you out of your decision. I bet he's got it down to a tee.

Put a schedule to everything. if he wants to consider counselling, he has until x; then you rediscuss and if the answer is no, you go back to the original plan... that kind of thing. If he wants to prove things can 'change' for you, don't choose 'external' things that change, base it on your feelings. eg, if you FEEL more loved/wanted in a month, then perhaps you can talk again, not 'i will be spend x hours with you for the next month/we will have sex' - it has to be about your feelings because he can control everything else.